by K. M. Ellis
“You shouldn’t have left,” I told him, “You should have comforted her, that’s what I would have done.”
“I’m not you. Plus I don’t even want to be around her anymore. She’s played with me long enough.”
“Played with you?” I asked, “How?”
“Since we were young,” he blurted out. “Ever since she wanted to fuck me the first time, it’s been continuous. We have done it a handful of times since then and I can’t help myself when she’s near sometimes.”
I stood, half shocked by what he had said. I always felt that there was something with them, even though Kat had denied it thousands of time.
“I thought you two had stopped sleeping together after Kat told me she was pregnant…Did it… did it happen again when her and I were together?” I asked, wanting him to admit it.
He nodded finally
“I think you need to leave,” I told him.
His eyes widened. “I’m sorry, Shane,” he said apologetic shaking his head.
“Just get out” I said, opening the door for him.
He left, apologizing once more. I found myself wanting to see her, drive over to her and tear her apart. She had hurt me for the last time.
Thomas
June 1990
Everything was falling down around me, God help me, and I loved her.
Kat
July 1990
It had been two months since my separation with Shane. In those two months I had served him with divorce papers and moved completely in with Brian.
Thomas and I had reached a happy medium where we had completely ignored the fact that he hated Brian and had been so defensive about the whole matter and the fact that although we tried to hide it, we were still head over heels for each other.
I hadn’t seen Shane face to face since that night and was nervous to. I was due in court to sign the official papers and would see him. Thomas said he would take me while Brian watched Darla. I carefully dressed; making sure no hair was out of place. I wanted to look perfect… perfect for Shane… He needed to see what he was missing out on.
Thomas picked me up around seven in the morning.
“You ready?” he asked casually as if we were just going to lunch.
“I’m… I’m okay.”
“You’re nervous?”
“Well yeah…”
“You’ll be fine,” he said, “Believe me, it’s just your lawyer and his lawyer and, of course you and him.”
“Seeing him is what I’m worried about.”
“Kat, this was your choice…”
“Fueled by his actions” I screamed defensively.
“Whoa, calm down there Kitty Kat. You’re gonna be alright.”
I forced a smile as we approached the courthouse. We both got out of the car and went inside.
“Case number 6478” the judge called.
I walked in and stood with my lawyer, a balding man in his forties who was supposedly the “best in the city”.
I heard the door open behind us; I turned to see Shane and his lawyer walk in.
His long, curly dark hair was down and kept, he was wearing a burgundy shirt, tucked in without a tie. He looked wonderful and I felt myself watching him. He was doing the same, taking me in.
I can’t do this I thought to myself. I still loved him, God I still loved him so much.
“Sign on the line please, Miss” the judge told me, while my lawyer pointed and handed me a pen. I twisted the pen in my hand; I glanced at Shane who watched me intently. I couldn’t read him; it was like he was wearing a mask.
Slowly I pressed the pen onto the paper; I closed my eyes as I signed my name, “Kathryn Crowne”.
Shane walked up beside me and put his signature on the line next to mine. I looked at his hand; he was still wearing his wedding ring! Why hadn’t I noticed? Both lawyers signed and it was done. I was official divorced. I felt empty and lost.
“Terms also included parental switch offs every other week….” I heard the judge say, but it was all a blur.
I walked out of the courtroom and back into the hallway where Thomas awaited me.
“Done?” he asked
I nodded. “I gotta use the bathroom”
“I’ll wait here for you,” he responded.
I walked briskly down the hall where I found the restroom. Don’t cry I whispered to myself.
Composing myself I walked out. There stood Shane.
My eyes opened wide.
“Kat,” he said slowly
“Not here,” I said, knowing the media would be everywhere and could be watching us now.
I pulled him into an empty office by the hand and shut the door. The blinds were shut and we were completely alone.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“About what...”
“Anything, the baby, Thomas, everything” he snapped cutting me off
“Shane…”
“Jesus, Kat, I…” he didn’t finish, my lips had cut him off. He didn’t even pause. His kiss was as fierce as mine.
Before I knew it, he was pulling up my dress and I was taking off his belt. He pushed me back into the desk and entered me. He threw his head back, shaking his hair out of his face. His mouth came back down onto mine as we moved together there. His body tensed up and so did mine, I felt myself explode as he gritted his teeth together and let out a breath. We stayed in the position, my head buried in his chest as he trembled like a virgin.
“Kat,” he whispered into my hair.
I looked up.
“I’m sorry,” he said
“You have nothing to be sorry for,” I responded softly.
He pulled up his pants and replaced his belt as I cleaned up, grabbing a tissue from the desk and throwing it in the trash beneath.
“Can we fix this, somehow just make it work?” he asked finally.
I sighed, “I want to, Shane. We need to give it time.” I didn’t know how else to say it and I felt bad because, in truth, I was half lying to him. I knew what I wanted now, and I wanted Tom.
“While you’re with Brian?”
“Yeah…”
He shook his head and tightened his belt. “Okay Kat. I’ll… I guess I’ll call you next week. I mean I gotta pick up Darla anyways.”
“Okay,” I said. “I know.”
He turned to me, I stood there speechless as he walked right up to me and kissed me hard on the mouth. I blinked away unwanted tears, “I love you, Kat. Remember that.” He said.
I nodded wordlessly. He opened the door and left. I wiped the tears out of my eyes and walked out the door also. Thomas stood there.
“Long bathroom trip, huh?
“Shut up,” I said.
“I don’t know why you even got divorced, Kat of you’re just going to be sleeping with him.”
“Stop” I hushed him.
We got into the car and he brought me home. “Kat,” he said, stopping me from getting out of the car, “you don’t have to be with Brian, you really, really don’t.”
“I do, “I said. “I broke up Shane’s band and our marriage, the best I can do is make it for something and not anything.”
“Leave him,” he said. “Be with me, like we planned. I know you still want to.”
“I do,” I whispered as if someone would hear us. “I just, I feel like I need to be with him right now. My plan didn’t exactly work out. And now look at me, I just slept with my ex husband!”
“You mean planting that tape there?”
I shot a sharp glance at him. “Don’t speak of that ever again.” I said getting out of the car.
I shut the door of the car and walked inside where I found Brian.
“Well?”
“It’s done” I said.
He beamed and kissed me. I flinched not meaning to.
“You okay, Kat?”
I just need to lie down… do you mind?”
“No, go get some rest. I’ll see you in a bit.”
I shut myself in the
bedroom and stripped off my clothes. I got in the shower and let the water wash over my skin. I thought of Shane and how much I missed him. I did miss him… I missed him so much. But I craved something else, something more forbidden that only I knew. Tom As I got into bed, I wrapped the sheets around me. I drifted off before I knew it.
Thomas
August 1990
Kat began planning Darla’s fourth birthday.
“Should I invite Shane,” she murmured, “Of course I need to invite him, it’s his daughter… fuckin…”
“Who else?” I asked
“Gary?” she sounded so unsure.
“Okay, Kathryn,” I said mocking Gary.
She lit up and her lips finally curled in a smile.
“Anyone else from Arctic Circle?”
“Should I? I don’t think I should…” she said uncertain.
“No, probably not. I don’t think Brian wants to see Shane, but he will deal with it.” I answered.
I put my hand on her leg, “It’s going to be fine, I promise”
Her eyes met mine as she set down her pen and paper, then scooted over closer to me on the couch.
I cupped her face with my hand and leaned in to kiss her, she turned her face away.
“Brian is in the kitchen, remember,” she said hushed.
I took a deep breath, trying not to think about her and the way she had just slid over wantonly at me.
“Okay,” she said loudly, “Where were we?”
She winked at me as Brian came into the room and sat down next to Kat.
She began including him in the discussion, I had zoned out, and all I could think about was her.
Kat
August 1990
The day of Darla’s fourth birthday arrived as I dressed her up and made sure everything was perfect in the backyard. Shane arrived and picked her up, swinging her about.
“Hey,” he said to me
“Hi” I said smiling as he pulled me into an awkward one armed hug.
Thomas and Shane just nodded heads at one another.
Gary brought Darla a toy guitar which she started playing and annoying everyone, but the day was about her so everyone put up with it.
As the party continued, I spent most of the time with Thomas, I could feel eyes watching us as he put his arm around me or his hand casually slid down towards my bottom. Brian didn’t seem to notice.
Every time Thomas looked at me, my heart skipped beat. I felt like we were fifteen again.
I started picking up some of Darla’s toys to bring upstairs while Thomas helped me. She had gotten so many new ones that it had become almost too crowded outside. As I brought them upstairs and shut her bedroom door, I faced Tom in the hall. We were alone, his breath close to my face. Suddenly, he grabbed my face and kissed me hard. A rush of feeling came over me as I grabbed onto him. He pushed me backwards into the hallway bathroom where he shut the door and lifted me up onto the counter where he pushed my thighs apart, pushed up my dress and brushed my underwear to the side. He quickly fumbled with himself and swiftly entered me. As he began moving in me, his lips swept over my skin. My head lolled back and he moved faster, his breath coming quicker, his eyes never leaving mine. He grabbed a handful of my hair, “Fuck” he said through gritted teeth. My legs came around him tightly, pulling him into me as he came hard.
He started to regain his breath as his panting subsided, both of us shocked by the passion that had over taken us.
When we recomposed ourselves, I opened the door to the bathroom.
“What are you doing?” Brian stood across from me, his eyes blazing.
“I… we just needed to talk”
“In the bathroom?!” he said in a hushed voice.
“I… yes…” I said, as I saw Gary come up behind him.
“Do you mind?” he said, pushing us out of the way so he could use the bathroom.
“Just come back down and if you need to really discuss something that bad do it in the bedroom next time.”
Brian turned and left, Thomas following him.
I stood with my back against the wall and let out a sigh. Before I could follow them down, Gary came out.
I…” I started, but he pushed me back against the wall with one arm, with the other, he lifted my dress and stuck his finger in me.
My mouth dropped and my eyes widening in shock as he quickly pulled it out and toyed with the liquid between two fingers.
“Be careful Kathryn, I know what you’re doing. He might be blind to it, but this, he wiped the liquid on his jeans, and “this is going to mess up a lot for you.”
“What the fuck?” I said through gritted teeth
He smiled, “I know you better than you think.”
I managed to compose myself as he left, shutting my mouth and combing my fingers through my hair.
When I came down, no one acted as if I had been gone.
The guests had begun to leave. Shane would be taking Dar with him tonight. As Brian was picking up outside and Shane was helping Darla pack some things, I pulled Tom aside in the living room.
“Gary knows, I feel like such an idiot, Tom.” I whispered
“Don’t do this here, Kat” he warned
“I don’t want to stay here tonight,” I cried
“I don’t want you to either, but I’ll see you in the morning, I promise.”
His lips met mine as I clung to him.
He stared at me for a brief second before picking up his keys and walking out of the house.
“Good job, Kat.”
I turned to see Shane.
“Where’s Darla?” I asked
“Saying goodbye to Brian outside.” He said leaning against the door frame.
I tried to walk past him.
“So you and Tom?”
“God Shane stop it, it’s always been him and I and you know it.”
“Then why are you fucking around with Brian? No, better yet, why did you fuck me, what? Not even two weeks ago? You said you still loved me.” He voice in a harsh whisper.
“And I do…” I managed
“No you don’t, Kat. I know you and Thomas have always had your little thing behind my back, behind everyone’s back. He played your best friend, hell, he played my friend! And I trusted him. I should have known you had him wrapped around your finger also.”
“That’s not true.” I said
“You’re a selfish little cunt, you know that?” he said spitting the words in my face before turning to find Darla.
I sat on the couch, tears coming fast as I heard his car start and leave, my daughter not even saying goodbye to me.
Shane
September 1990
My anger and frustration for her affected my music. We were without a singer and Arctic Circle had all been but deemed “broken up.” Did Kat realize this was her fault? Not only had she moved in with Brian and broken up my band, she was fucking Thomas on top of it. How long had it been going on for? Since they were fifteen? I wanted to hate her. I wanted her to feel the pain which she had caused me.
I hated having to see her.
But I believed I hated Tom more.
Kat
October 1990
We had just finished practice at Tom’s house, James and Ian had left, leaving us entirely alone. My eyes met his as he walked over to me.
“Kat,” he breathed softly.
I had expected him to kiss me, but instead, he lifted my shirt slowly and traced my scar with his finger. He knelt down in front of me slowly, placing his lips there while unbuttoning my pants. He unzipped them and ran his hands so that his hands slipped on my bum, as he pulled down my pants. His eyes met mine while he pulled my underwear down.
He smiled as his tongue touched me. My body froze. His hands massaged my thighs, spreading them as I leaned against the wall. He took me deeper in his mouth as I felt myself prick with pleasure. My hands ran through his dark hair, his lips moved faster as his tongue probed.
“Tom” I moaned, feel
ing myself coming. “God, Tom!” I gripped his hair.
I fell backwards against the wall; he came away from me, now grabbing my waist to hold me up. I regained my balance as he stood to face me. My lips met his, taking in the taste of me with it.
I couldn’t get enough of him, I was addicted.
Brian
November 1990
Kat had been with me a little over six months, she was faithful to me, as far as I knew and we were having great, regular sex. Sex seemed to be our only connection however. She didn’t argue with me, in fact, she was a different person with me than I had seen her with anyone. She was meek and agreeable. I even enjoyed having Darla on the weeks that Shane didn’t. I had seen him a couple times since then and he was indifferent towards me. Kat turned twenty four in November and on her birthday I took her for a trip to the Caribbean. She loved it, throwing her arms around me in the hotel and acting like the perfect girlfriend I was glad to have her on my arm, she was beautiful and full of energy.
“I love it here,” she told me
“I know, I wish we didn’t have to leave tomorrow.”
She nuzzled closer to me in the huge bed. We had spent most of the week’s vacation in bed.
She slid her finger tips down my belly and gripped me hard.
“Again? I asked, rolling her onto her back.
I slipped inside of her easily; she smiled, giggling a little.
“What?” I whispered
“It feels so good,” she moaned, wrapping her legs tighter around me.
When we came back, she was back to reality. Her demeanor went back to obedient Kat. I wasn’t sure which one was the real Kat anymore.
Kat
November 1990
I had thought that getting away had helped my mood and had brought me closer to Brian, but as soon as I got back, all I could think about was Tom. I realized I was getting in too deep with Brian, it was becoming impossible, I would be stuck and Tom… I’d probably never have him.
Thomas
December 1990
“Come on Tom, were going out for your birthday!” She said enthusiastically.
Brian had been keeping her busy the past couple months, taking her on trip after trip, trying to make her love him. I still wanted her, craved her, and I could tell she wanted the same, although she didn’t show it at all anymore.