by K. M. Ellis
“He stopped breathing,” she sobbed almost falling to the ground.
I caught her in my arms, holding her tight as she heaved heavy breaths and moaned into my chest.
I had found out through Ian who had asked around that they were taking him back into surgery. There was a clot and it wasn’t looking good. I was afraid to tell Kat.
Around four pm the doctor came out to talk to Kat.
“I’m sorry, dear there wasn’t anything we could do,” he said sadly.
Kat screamed, she wailed as she tore at her hair at her skin.
“We need to call someone,” I said to Ian, “Like now”
Ian reached Gary who said he could be there within an hour. He would take Kat with him.
I called Shane.
“He’s gone,” I explained.
“And Kat?” he asked
“She’s… she’s not herself.”
“Do you need me there?” he asked
“No, we’ve got it under control, just tend to Darla.”
“But…” he started
I hung up the phone and went back to Kat where she was sitting in a hospital bed.
“I want to see him,” she told Ian and me.
“Should we wait till Gary gets here?” Ian asked me
“Kat didn’t like that, “To hell with Gary,” she shouted, “I want to see him!” she screamed again
I looked her straight in the eye, holding her arms down, “Are you sure?” I whispered.
She shook her head yes.
“I’ll see what I can do,” Ian said softly, leaving the room
I paced back and forth as Kat curled her legs up on the bed, sobbing heavily still.
Ian came back with one of the nurses, “She can take us to him now.”
Kat got up and followed the nurse with Ian and me in tow. She fell back when we approached the door, looking nervously at me. I came over to her and took her hand.
When I opened the door, her hands flew to her mouth. He was lying on a hospital bed with a sheet covering him from the chest down. They had removed all the tubes which had been connected to his body. He looked as if he was sleeping.
Kat circled around him, glancing up at Ian and me a couple times. Slowly she reached out her hand and touched his bare arm; she took in a sharp breath and withdrew it quickly. She sat beside him, just staring at him, her hand reaching down again to cup his face. She began to run a finger around his face, tracing the lines and creases. Slowly she bent over his face, and paused for a moment before kissing his lips. She then lay her head on his chest and shut her eyes tight as she gripped onto him.
“I need the room,” the nurse told Ian and me.
“You want me to move her?” I asked
She nodded
I felt a pit form in my stomach; I was going to have to pry her away from him.
“Kat,” I said softly as I went over to her and placed my hand on her back.
No response
“Kat?” I said again, shaking her a little. She lifted her head slightly and looked up at me, her long hair spilling all over Tom’s chest.
“We need to go.”
She shook her head wildly and put her head back down on him, her arms coming around him tighter.
“Come on, Kat,” I said.
She shook her head again, burying herself closer to him.
I looked over at Ian who had tears in his eyes, “Help me,” I managed.
He came over to her over side and knelt down, “Kat, we have to go,” he said to her.
When she didn’t respond, he grabbed one of her arms. He easily overpowered her. I did the same with the other as we tried to lift her off of him.
“No!” she screamed.
She fought and kicked us until we dropped her on the floor outside of the room. She sat on the floor heaving and screaming. I picked her up, her arms went around me as she held me tightly, hyperventilating.
We got her into another room where when Gary arrived, managed to get her into his car.
Kat didn’t speak a word while leaving the hospital, I was afraid she wouldn’t again.
Gary
December 2000
Kat hardly ate, she hardly moved and she most certainly hardly spoke. She just sat in her room, in the dark for hours. I was staying with her, to make sure she was alright, but she was far from it. I had never seen the girl so melancholy. She would just look at me with those sad eyes which so reminded me of that day when she was thirteen and she had found out her mother had died.
“Kathryn, you need to eat something” I’d say.
She would just stare at me with those big eyes and turn away.
One day I came up to see her, the door was locked and she wouldn’t answer.
It stayed that way for almost two weeks.
2001
Kat
January 2001
Who was I without Thomas? I had never felt so empty in my life. Every thought, ever notion I had of life up into this point since I was young had revolved around him and Neptune. I wanted to die. I wanted so badly to just fall into darkness and never return. Was that selfish?
“Kathryn, you need to let me in.”
Gary had been at the door for days it seemed. I couldn’t let him in. I couldn’t let anyone in.
Sometimes it would be James or Ian.
Shane, I thought. No not even Shane. I winced at his name on my lips, flashing to Thomas’ last word. Shane.
Why? Why did it have to be Shane? I couldn’t even imagine being with anyone else but Thomas now. I’d die, his widow, reserved for all eternity never to be touched by another man but him. I could do it. I didn’t need love, passion, and sex in my life. I just needed him, Thomas, and now he was gone, and I was empty.
“Kathryn Crowne!” Gary banged again.
I wouldn’t let him in yet, no, not yet. I knew I would have to eventually, but not today.
Darla
January 2001
I hadn’t seen mom in almost a month. Dad said she was okay but I could tell by the tone of his voice when he spoke with Gary on the phone that she clearly was not. Dad treats me like a child, like I’m so unaware of my surroundings that I can’t be told the truth, but I’m fourteen and I’m aware of everything. I know of the stories of my mother at fourteen. How she had been promiscuous. How she loved Thomas, but was infatuated by Drew. She had always loved Thomas, at least that’s what she told me, but I had seen the way she looked at my father still and knew she loved him to. Was it really possible for her to love two so different men at the same time? I believe she did truly. Before Thomas…..died, I had seen her and my father together. Sometimes I feel like it was my fault Thomas had gotten angry and had left. Had he never known what my mother and father had been doing, he would have never gotten angry at her. God, my father loved her so much. I believe he loved Thomas to. I had never seen him shed a tear until he heard the news of his death. He always seemed so strong.
The phone was ringing.
“Dar, can you get that?” Dad asked me.
“Hello?” I said
“Hey girl, its Gary, can I talk to Shane, er, your Dad please?”
This was like the fifth call today.
“Sure”
“Dad,” I yelled, “Its Gary!”
I heard a clatter, realizing how important it was for my father to literally stop anything he was doing to talk to Gary who he knew full well was with my mother.
He shooed me away once he grabbed the phone, but I stayed within ear shot.
“Can’t you just break down the door?” he said
I glanced up at him, sensing his frustration.
“What if, what if I come to her?” pause “I know you’ve said that countless times!”
He hung up the phone. “I need to go to your mother”, he stated clean and simple.
“I understand,” I said
“Sorry, Dar, but you’re gonna have to go to Drew’s.”
I shrugged, what was another day of not seeing her?
Shane
January 2001
I wanted to go to her, but I couldn’t. Somehow I felt as if it was my fault that this had all happened. Why had we wanted each other so bad? We were divorced for Christ’s sake! It should have stopped me, it did for a while, but then he had encouraged it that one night. After that I was doomed, I could control it before then, I think we both could. I couldn’t even say his name. If I hadn’t come in that day, if.
Darla
January 2001
“When can I see my mom,” I asked Tammy.
Tammy looked over to Drew, who let out a sigh.
“I don’t know, honey,” She responded.
Drew met my eyes. My mother had been a year older than myself when he had slept with her. It sickened me to think about it.
“She’s going through something that none of us can understand, Darla. You’re mother, she really loved Tom,” he answered.
I looked down at my food. I didn’t even know why my father had dropped me off here today. Theresa grabbed my hand underneath the table and squeezed it.
Thank God I had someone to count on.
Shane
January 2001
“Is Mom going to be there?” Darla asked
“Why wouldn’t she?” I responded frustrated by such a childish question.
Darla shrugged and gave me a look which was pure Kat.
We walked into the church where I saw Gary, but no Kat. She had to be here. Why wouldn’t she be? After all, she had married him. I glanced back at my daughter who gave me one of her told you so looks.
I sat next to Gary and asked him where she was.
“She still hasn’t come out of that room, Shane,” he explained. “I’m really worried.”
“So she probably won’t be at the reception after?”
“I can’t imagine she would be if she’s not here,” he responded, “but it is at the house so she might just have to make an appearance.”
Kat may have been absent but she was all over the church. Her words, her image, her passion. It was everywhere. She had loved him, maybe more than she had every loved me.
Kat
January 2001
I fixed my hair and put makeup on my face for the first time in what felt like weeks, was it that long?, yet I couldn’t bring myself to go to his funeral. To have his body so close again, it would be a nightmare knowing there was nothing left but an empty shell. Would I go to the reception? I suppose I would have to, after all, Gary had let the planner know I had no problem having it here on our estate. After all, we had “more than enough room” Especially now, I thought to myself. I knew the funeral was going on now, glancing at the clock, I realized people would be arriving here soon. God, if I could do it all over again, I would have married him sooner and Shane, fucking Shane, I would have never touched him.
Knock, knock, knock
I rolled my eyes. “Who is it?” my voice sounding foreign to me after not speaking for so long
“Uh, it’s me, Drew.”
I jumped up, “Drew?” I asked
“Yeah, can I come in, Kat?”
I went over to the door; not even knowing what possessed me to do so, and opened the door. It was Drew, just Drew. He walked in and shut the door. Leaning against the wall he gave me one of his “up and down” looks.
“You look good, Kat.”
My eyes narrowed at him. Good? You think I look good? I felt anger arise in me.
“Thanks,” I responded politely.
A heavy uncomfortable silence fell between us.
“I’m here to escort you downstairs,” he said finally.
“Oh you are?” I said suddenly, “Why are you really here, Drew? Pity? Cause I really don’t want or need it.”
“Kat...”
“No seriously, you think you can just come up here and act all nice to me just cause Thomas is dead, but I fucking remember all the shit you said to me, what? Not even a year ago?”
“I was jealous.”
“I don’t care what you were. It was wrong and hurtful. I really don’t want you here Drew, I’m already hurting and you here really is not helping at all.”
He looked a little hurt, but totally disregarded my rudeness, “Well will you just come down with me? I know Darla would really like to see you?” he asked
Darla
I shut my eyes not to let tears escape.
I then looked over at the mirror to my right, contemplating my complexion. Was I ready?
Walking up to Drew and I pushed back his hair, surveying him, our faces inches from one another.
Slowly I put my lips to his cheek.
“I’ll go,” I managed, moving away from him and glancing in the mirror once more.
He watched me the whole time, as I strolled past him and made my way down stairs to face my new future.
Shane
January 2001
“Dad,” Darla nudged me.
“Wh…” I started, when she pointed at the stairs.
Kat
Darla was smiling and went to walk over to her. “Wait,” I said.
She shrugged me off, running up to her mother, who took her into her arms. Over Darla’s shoulder, I met Kat’s gaze. She quickly looked away. I couldn’t believe how beautiful she looked.
I saw James walk over to her as she fell into his arms and he kissed her forehead.
I watched Drew walk down the stairs a few minutes after her. I chuckled to myself; it had actually been a good idea to have him go get her.
Kat
January 2001
I had to breathe a breath of relief. It hadn’t been as bad as I thought it would be. Sure, everyone stared at me, but I was finally able to face them and for that, nothing else mattered. It seemed to me that Darla had grown, she looked and acted somewhat older in the almost month in which I had not seen her. Had she always been my height? When she put her arms around me I knew I was forgiven. She had understood she told me. My whole body tensed when I saw Shane, however. Mixed emotions flowed through my body. I was disgusted how much I still desired him, even after, even after everything. I felt like it was my fault that Thomas had died, my desire for Shane, it was humiliating. But wasn’t that what Thomas had asked me to do? I looked around at all the familiar faces, Drew, Nick, Alex, Brian, James, Ian, Gary… so much of my life past and present in one room. I couldn’t breathe. I made my way to the back door quietly, commenting to James that I needed to get some air. Once outside, I found myself in the gardens which Thomas and I had designed together. There I found my tears begin to flow freely. I stood by one of the fountains that Thomas had loved, letting my tears drip into the water below. I heard a rustle of bushes behind me.
Shane. He rushed up to me, taking me in his arms, his hand smoothing my hair. I held onto him, letting go all the pain which I had kept inside.
“Kat, Kat,” he whispered.
I shook my head, “We killed him,” I sobbed, “It was us, if I had been with him, if you hadn’t come over, if Darla hadn’t…”
“It’s not one’s fault Kat, I promise it’s no one, it’s not yours, not mine, not Darla’s…”
My lips met his; it felt like the most natural feeling. It didn’t feel wrong, but I had to pull away.
“I’m sorry, Kat,” Shane said, pulling me back into his embrace.
“Please don’t be. God, it’s not fair. I shouldn’t…”I took a deep breath.
“Let’s go back in please?”
He sighed, “Okay, Kat.”
The rest of the reception couldn’t have gone smoother. Shane stayed by my side the most time, both of us hardly guiltless, but this fate had brought us back together, and who else did we have now but each other?
James was most helpful after while Gary and I cleaned up. Shane had offered to stay with Darla, but I could tell that the day had been rough on them both.
As I sat up that night, James and I drank with Gary down stairs. I felt sad, but deep inside of me dug out a hope which had long
been buried that past month.
Gary
March 2001
“Kathryn” I called up the stairs.
She flew down, “Yeah?”
I had been staying with her almost three months and would be heading home this week. She had done a whole 180 and some of the old Kat had returned.
“What are you doing?”
“Going to work in the garden,” she replied
“Okay, I’m just letting you know, I’m going out.”
“Okay,” she smiled. I couldn’t tell if it was sincere or for show.
She had taken a leave of absence from Neptune and because of it the band was on hiatus yet again, but who could really know if they would even continue now?
Kat insisted they would when she felt ready. She had even picked up Thomas’ guitar and strummed away. She could play, I really had never heard her much, but it was nice to hear her.
She would have Darla visit her but she wouldn’t stay with her. She would speak briefly to Shane but that was about it. She let Ian and James come to see her also, but that was always short and sweet.
She tilted her head, “Gary, can you bring me back some chocolate?” she said sweetly as a child. She was almost thirty five and I in my fifties, but she still made me feel the way she had when she was seventeen.
“Of course,” I responded, turning to leave.
“Wait,” she said hesitantly. She then came up to me and put her arms around me.
“Kiss me” she prompted softly
“I…”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to,” she said removing her arms.
I grabbed one of them, spinning her to me, my mouth coming hard on hers.
She was stiff as a board at first, but then loosened up as she kissed me back softly.
She pulled away, her forehead resting against mine.
“I just wanted to see what it was like,” she whispered.
She looked up and me and smiled before turning and heading up the stairs.
I turned to leave.
“Gare?” she shouted down. “Chocolate please remember!”
I wouldn’t forget.
Later when I came back, she asked me if I would do something for her.
“Whatever you need, Kathryn”