by Marc Leavitt
Journal Entry: August 23, 2002
I think that with you being a Christian, one thing that we both agree with from the very start is that, by definition, God is the supreme source of everything. As a result of that belief, I surrendered my life to God wholeheartedly. I loved and trusted God so much that I wanted to be closer to God than I was to myself. I gave my life to God one day, I mean really, truly, handed it over … and gladly.
This wasn't because someone told me about God, or I fell on hard times so I had to do it. This was a spontaneous longing that could not be denied. I knew that by definition, God is Infinite so therefore was everywhere at all times. So I just looked for God in the same spot every day which was the Here and Now. I figured that it would be that much easier for God to find me if I stayed Still in the same spot every day, which is Stillness itself.
I enjoyed the practice of staying Still, waiting for God to find me, because Stillness was silent, boundless, borderless, dimensionless, timeless and crystal clear. I waited so many years in that sweet beautiful Stillness, waiting for God to show up. But nothing else ever showed. One day, out of the clear blue sky, something told me to look behind me and when I did, I saw that God was behind me the whole time looking through my eyes. I did not exist as such anymore, because what I thought to be ‘me’ was just God hiding from itself by moving around and thus folding itself up in itself in order to create pockets of God interacting with other pockets of God.
No wonder we can never find God. We were all taught to look for an 'other' or something 'else' … something ‘out, or up, there.’ It never occurs to us that God IS that Stillness, even though the clues have been here all along, if only we are willing to look. After all, the Stillness is silent, boundless, borderless, dimensionless, timeless and crystal clear. It is our Primordial nature and as such, it was so obvious that we looked right past our Selves. Since God is everywhere, everything and at every time, it is impossible to find That while looking for particulars … for pieces of God.
I hope you see that when I say that you are the pen or that Hitler is worthy of my love. I say this because I know that there is only God. Therefore God is the pen and God is Hitler. There are NO enemies. Everything is to be loved as everything is God.
Journal Entry: August 26, 2002
Neither I (nor the mystics) am saying that I am a little cell and you are a little cell in a great big body that we call God, and since, as a part of God, I am inseparable from God. No, not in the least bit, this is not the case at all. It is much more profound than that. What I am saying is that YOU ARE THE WHOLE ENCHILADA. You are not a part of God as if God could be spliced into an infinite number of little ‘you’s.’ You are LITERALLY and ACTUALLY the ONLY One.
Picture this and you will feel nauseous if you get it. Remember the scene in 'Being John Malkovich' where John M. went into his own head through the tunnel and he was at a restaurant with nothing but John M.'s. All the John M.’s were all unconvincingly dressed up with different wigs and makeup and acting as if they were all different entities, but in actuality they were all John M. Well, guess what!!!! That is exactly what is going on and I am not kidding one bit. WE ARE ALL THE SAME FRICKIN' ONE!!!
You are walking around in a house of mirrors and there has never ever been anything that was not YOU! I cannot stress enough that I am talking, LITERALLY and ACTUALLY. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF US IN THIS HERE. THERE IS ONLY ONE OF US IN ALL OF EXISTENCE!!!
The reason that I was placing such an emphasis on their only being One of us was because of the recognition that there is only Awareness. The same Awareness that is aware of these words is the very same Awareness that has ever been aware of anything, ever. The sense of being an individual is just an identification process that takes place IN Awareness. The same Awareness in which all identification happens is the same Awareness that is taking in these words right now.
The next journal entry refers to the Final Vision that I experienced. I allude to the Vision, but I wasn’t able to or just didn’t desire to put the actual experience into words yet.
Journal Entry: August 27, 2002
I realized that I did not 'lose' my identity, it turns out that there never was an identity to begin with. Instead, I saw that there was just the process of ‘identifying.’
Up until last week, I was just used to the process of 'identifying' and the consistency of this act of 'identification' led me to assume that there was an identity named marc, but after last week, I have not been anything at all in particular. I never thought about it in terms of identity. I just thought I stopped caring about everything. But last night, I saw that my story was outside of me in the world, and that made me recognize the lack identity that has been going on for a week now. I will write more about this if I can get myself to write tonight. After last night, I couldn't even write.
A couple days later I continued …
Journal Entry: August 30, 2002
I could see my personality outside of me and while I was the 'I' watching my story (my body, scenery, feelings, mind) 'I' was aware that the option was always there. That is why the mystics say bondage is a joke … there never was any in the first place. Identity is a joke because there never was one. Liberation is a joke because it always is. It’s all a joke.
So I’m sitting here feeling both I/i and I was loving this world and my little ‘i’ or my story/personality/world so much that I wondered why I was sitting so waaaaay back Here watching it impersonally. Then it occurred to me that it is not really a decision. Well, that’s tricky, but what I’m saying is that I naturally and spontaneously enjoy living from back here. It is like Home.
The Final Vision, which up to this point I was unable to write about, happened less than a week after the experience of Enlightenment. I didn’t try to put into words exactly what it is that I saw in that Final Vision until a full month later in the following Journal Entry. I was responding to ‘D’ who was using a blank piece of paper as a symbol for undifferentiated Awareness.
Journal Entry: September 27, 2002
About a month ago I was responding to a question that was asked of me. I was asked if Enlightenment is final. So I stopped to look for what I thought was meant by the word 'Enlightenment' and, probably seconds later, I seemed to drop out of existence and there was nothing but pure Awareness or that 'blank paper' ... the original no-thing where nothing ever happened and nothing ever existed.
In the next moment I was aware of being this blank paper (Awareness). Following that, I was aware of something 'else’ overlaying this paper like a shadow. Next, I was aware of colors in shapes. Eventually, these colors and shapes began to form a 'Barbie dream house' and 'little girl clothes' in a closet. Next, I became aware of what the 'Barbie dream house' and 'little girl clothes' were, or rather ‘meant,’ as objects. In the next moment I was aware that I was a 'person' looking at these objects. In the next moment I was aware that I was a 'person' who was NOT, a moment ago.
I'm still sitting there looking at my daughter’s room and I am just amazed that it is there. This world is a fuckin' miracle. Nothing exists yet I am staring at myself as a little girl’s bedroom. If you take yourself to be an individual among other individuals, then the world is 'apart' from you. But in reality, the world is nothing but you. After sitting there for sometime simply blown away that a world appears although nothing exists, I became grateful that I have this world. Because I saw just how alooooone I really am. There is nothing 'else,' period! This is what inspired my expression, 'Being while knowing that I am not.'
After standing there for some time in complete awe, the vision continued. I then got this image of Reality being represented by something best described as an Infinitely Aware String. I saw this string forming a loop (with the simplest twist), which creates a closed circuit of Awareness, whereby Awareness is now aware of itself. This creates the image of 'marc' and a world that, at least in this particular loop, looks like a little girls room.'
I saw 'marc' outside in the little girls room and
the recognition of 'marc' made me (?) aware of the fact that there is no such thing as 'marc,' any more than there is such thing as a 'little girls room'. Both of them arise 'from' and 'in' what I actually am which is Awareness. There never was such a thing as 'marc' in the first place. There was only a process of Awareness i-dentifying with the images that appear in itself.
As the vision continued, I saw that all of Reality was simply this string with countless little dimples or 'invaginations' pulling harder to make a deeper dimple and then releasing to be 'flat' again. The 'invagination' or bending process is the creation of the 'I' and the world that follows. The releasing of this tension is what we call the 'spiritual path.' The reason that the 'spiritual path' is a suicide mission is that, if done properly, you are setting your compass to 'flat.'
Flat is when there is nothing but nothing. A flat piece of paper would be the Brahman of night where there is only awareness. A folded piece of paper would be the Brahman of day which is Awareness ‘of’ Awareness. Ultimately, there is only Awareness, but because of the very nature of Awareness being aware, Awareness expresses itself as 'Awareness of Awareness.' The duet of One ... Beautiful, Absolutely beautiful.
In my experience, it is the intense 'aloneness' or recognition that you are the only one that is the first movement that sets creation into play. I have heard others suggest that it is God’s boredom that set all of this into motion. But in either situation, the 'I' would have to at least subtly exist to even experience this 'aloneness' or 'boredom.' So it comes back down to the 'I' arising spontaneously from nothing to feel 'alone' or 'bored' in the first place. It is that first differentiation or movement that has always fascinated me.
OK, so now I don't think I have a point. Just a stream of thoughts, but I will journal this anyway because I wonder what others think of the 'aloneness.' Now that I think of it, I say it is 'aloneness.' Others say that is it 'boredom.' Mystics often say something about the one differentiation or first cause being the cosmic impulse to 'play with itself.'
It seems that all of us may be correct if you consider the Hindu concept of ‘Lila.’ Not sure of the literal translation but my understanding is that Lila refers to the world as being a play place for God. So, just imagine if you were bored and alone or ‘all-One.’ If you were the only One to exist, then the only thing that you would be able to do is play with yourself. Yes, it seems that existence is indeed this great cosmic masturbation.
After this Final Vision, I have never again experienced anything that I would describe as out of the ordinary. Just as the visions began suddenly, they ended suddenly. The nature of this particular vision seemed to be a summary of everything that I had been shown over the last couple of years.
The first part of the vision felt like I was a witness to the process of creation itself. From the blackness of the Void, I saw in slow motion, just how Reality manifests as the world of form that we all know. Originally, there was only the blackness. But in time, the tension of the blackness offered a very subtle contrast with what would best be described as shadows in varying shades of blackness. That one differentiation is all that was necessary for even a simple contrast to evolve into the complex series of contrasts that we have come to call our world.
The second part of the vision provided me with the analogy that I have found most useful in trying to explain our relationship to God and to each other. If all there is is God and God is represented by this endless string that creates an endless succession of loops, then each loop would be left with the illusion of individuality. Until that loop comes undone, it will see itself as limited and finite.
Everything that you, as a loop, will experience, takes place within your loop. As an individual loop, you can never see beyond the contents of your personal loop. But if you look for your true nature you will discover for yourself that you are not the contents of the loop but the actual aware string itself that is just forming a loop. The more that you identify with the aware string itself rather than the contents that are taking place inside of the aware string, the less you mistakenly take yourself to be an individual.
The reason that I used looping string as a metaphor is because that specific part of the experience felt like I actually existed in the shape of a loop. It was a simultaneous shift in perspective as well as a subtle physical sensation. The best way I can describe it would be to say that I felt as if I suddenly became aware that my physical body was shaped like a loop. It was as if I looked down and saw my torso and legs extending out in the shape of a loop all the way back and up to the top of my head where it completed a perfect circle. However, my torso and legs did not look like my torso and legs, but instead they were just a blank screen in which my world appeared.
I say this not because I thought that I was actually looking at my torso and legs, but just to convey how physical it felt. It felt like a complete shift in orientation, in which I was folded up like a loop looking at myself. But instead of seeing me, I was seeing the world. For the sake of an easy explanation, it would be tempting to say that I felt like I was a piece of string that was folded into a loop, with the string itself being the screen into which we are all staring right now and mistaking it for a fixed and solid world. But the truth is that I didn’t feel as if I was any-thing at all, except for the sensation of being folded into a loop. I only used an Infinite Aware String creating an endless succession of loops as a metaphor, because I needed some-thing to convey the sense of being folded into a loop.
The central realization that came from this experience was that there was never an individual that was actually there in the first place. Instead, there was only the functioning of Awareness. The specific functioning of Awareness that causes the sense of being an individual is the simple process of identification. As the inherent power of attraction causes Awareness to fold into itself, creating a loop, each loop becomes a focal point for Awareness creating the illusion of a separate and alienated piece of Awareness trying to find its way home.
The following is the last I ever wrote about this Final Vision.
Journal Entry: September 5, 2002
It is the focusing of Awareness that creates the appearance of an identity where actually there is none. The appearance of an identity is created and sustained by the habitual identifying or focus on thoughts or memories. The reason it is so frightening for the ego to let go of this thought stream is because the ego IS the thought stream. Stillness or silence is death to the ego. But you are not your ego; the ego exists IN you. It is only identification with ego that leads you to believe that you are ego itself.
So, as Awareness, you only seem to be ego if that is what you are aware of or focusing on. This is why the most direct practice is simply to look for your true Self. Looking for your Self implies Awareness of Awareness only. Practice Awareness of Awareness until the 'of' drops, leaving only Awareness.
Once you realize that, as Awareness, you are All-There-Is, the world is spontaneously recognized to be appearing inside of You. This is where and when the Celebration begins. To BE while knowing that you are NOT is the greatest Joy!
Chapter Seven
After The End
When I shared this book with others, the questions usually fell into three categories. First, what advice would I give to someone interested in pursuing Enlightenment? Second, how do you know when you are actually Enlightened? And last, what is my everyday perspective like now? I’ll conclude the book by answering these questions.
With regards to Enlightenment, the best advice I can give is that you first establish Enlightenment as your primary goal. It is crucial that you establish a clear and conscious agenda in terms of what you really want out of life. Otherwise, you will find yourself at the whim of other’s agendas or your own unconscious agenda, which is generally the tendency to simply recreate the initial trauma of your past, over and over. Also, it doesn’t matter whether you consider your main agenda to be the pursuit of Enlightenment, happiness, peace, love or harmony. Because if any of these things are your m
ain agenda in life, then you are essentially committing yourself to a life without struggle. The fruits of your focus will bring you a life without struggling against Reality.
The most direct practice is to drop every struggle as you become aware of it, no matter how subtle. Whether it be meditating or dealing with a difficult person in our life, the practice is always the same, which is to boldly give up the struggle … just let go. This practice becomes more difficult as you realize how many internal struggles you experience on a daily basis. This is why it is so vital that you first establish Enlightenment (peace, happiness etc.) as your main agenda and worth the challenging journey.
If you examine what is at the root of our struggle with Reality, you will find a deep-seated fear or mistrust of the unknown. So, once you establish that your main agenda is to pursue Enlightenment, then the practice begins with deepening your trust in the unknown or unseen Reality. This is a good time for a gut check and evaluation of just how much faith you actually have in whatever your belief system happens to be. In the privacy of your own mind, look to see if you actually do trust God, Jesus Christ, Allah, Brahman or the Universe etc. with your life. If you find that you do not have a genuine and deeply abiding trust in something specific, then you must be honest with yourself and realize that you will have to summon up the courage to face the unknown.
If you find that you really can trust your life to the hands of your personal view of God, then you need to use this trust to completely surrender your life to that which you trust. By surrendering your life, you are demonstrating a trust in the whole and your place in it, as opposed to relying on your own limited view. As you surrender your life more and more, you will notice that the internal resistance to the act of surrendering is based on your habitual need to build and sustain your sense of self. It seems that if we don’t continually reaffirm our sense of self with our internal dialogue and efforts to control the external world, than we will be left with no foundation to stand on.