by Marc Leavitt
But this whole time, I was still making the simplest error. This tiny mistake resulted in a huge gulf between what I understood to be true and what IS actually the TRUTH. The Ultimate Truth is what I wrote before, which is that all there is … is Awareness and the path of Truth is simply deepening that understanding. I have had this understanding for about a year now. But I was still always working towards deepening my experience of it. The reason I was still working on deepening my understanding was the result of that one slight error. No matter how small it was, it spelled the difference between my understanding and that of Realized mystics such as Ramana Maharshi.
The Realized mystics recognize that "I AM THAT". I thought that I knew this to be true, but I also thought that I didn't realize it fully yet because I didn't think that I was like them. I thought that something wonderful would happen and I would actually change to something else as a result of the final Realization. That is why I had been obsessing over death for the last year. I thought that I was about to die and something else was going to be born in my place, and this scared the living shit out of me as I did not want to die … yet.
I was waiting for a 'when.' I had been anticipating something else. I am not exactly sure of what I was expecting but you can be sure that it was centered around a death or something else exotic like fireworks, mystical explosions, ecstatic union with the Infinite or something else like the "mystical experiences" that I had in my past.
I had been contemplating the understanding that ‘All there is is Awareness” for over a year. Before I could truly penetrate the Ultimate Truth that ‘all there is is Awareness,’ I felt that I had to solve the paradox of just how ‘the One’ could manifest itself as ‘the many.’ It was right after I finally solved the paradox for myself that I wrote a huge flurry of posts to a group on the net because I thought that I was about to die (not physically) and I had to get it all out. It’s ironic because I got everything out of my system except for that very Truth of how the One manifests itself as the many. Even last night, I thought to myself, "All I have to do is write that one last thing and I will be free."
I was planning to write this today, but before I could even get it out, this morning at 7:00am, I fully recognized that ‘I am That.’ The following is the best I can do using words. Although I will have to rely on words, I am hoping I can express it in a way that will point you to the realization that you are already Enlightened whether you recognize it or not.
I had just got home from work and sat out on my back deck when my daughter came out and sat in my lap. I looked at her while she was talking to me and started to contemplate how she is also me. She is the same divinity that I am. I already understood that there is only one Subject and that I am that Subject, but in retrospect, I did not accept/believe this, as I was still waiting for the final blow so I would REALLY know it like the Sages I held in higher esteem than myself. But this time when I pulled on the lion’s tail, the whole lion showed itself.
I had looked at people countless times and been mystified that they were actually me. I thought I knew this to be true, but this time I saw that I was LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY BEHIND HER EYES … RIGHT NOW!!! Not figuratively, not poetically, not understood to be true, but LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY SEEING THAT … BEHIND HER EYES WAS ME. I Saw that I AM MY DAUGHTER RIGHT NOW. I could actually feel ME behind the appearance of Sabrina.
The experience behind that phenomenon that I call Sabrina is happening to ME. My wife's experience is happening to ME. I saw that I AM THE ONLY ONE THAT EXISTS. EVERYTHING HAPPENS TO ME. Not some divinity that I will realize one day in the future but this very Presence that I have taken to be marc is LITERALLY AND ACTUALLY "THAT I AM."
I immediately got an image of looking at a diamond and seeing through all of its many facets at the same time. Marc was one facet, Sabrina was another, my wife another, so on and so on. But behind all these phenomena is only ‘I’. It is all happening simultaneously to the same Subject which is ‘I’. I am the diamond.
The feeling that I got when I recognized that I Am That was one of intense and existential Loneliness. I truly am the only One that exists. But this feeling quickly turned to profound joy when I looked at my daughter and realized that she did not know that I (marc) was actually her. I was not privy to the thoughts and feelings behind her appearance and so I could play with myself as two.
I was not lonely anymore because I had myself as the infinite expression of the phenomena. Not only am I behind everybody that appears, but I am also behind everything that arises in what I am, the Infinite. It is ironic that apparent separation is the cure for loneliness as the One.
I later thought of an image of a gingerbread neighborhood with me being the gingerbread. I saw the gingerbread as representing Awareness and I am all of the gingerbread at the same time, whether it is formed as gingerbread people or gingerbread houses. It is the ultimate game of hide and seek, as the seeker can never find the sought after, as the sought after is everywhere and therefore nowhere in particular. Because the seeker looks in specific places, no matter how great, he shall never find the sought after, as its 'everywhereness' eludes him at every turn.
I cannot emphasize enough to you, the reader, that who you are RIGHT NOW is all there is. You truly are the only Subject. All experiences are happening to the same Subject which is you, figuratively and literally. That, who you "REALLY" are, is the Infinite, and that brings me back to my tiny, but fatal, error.
Referring to who I 'really' am is what created that one degree of separation. From that perspective, one is lead to say things like, "Right now, what I am is an idiot who thinks he is marc, but who I really am is Undifferentiated Awareness." That was my error. Right NOW, I AM actually and literally That Undifferentiated Awareness. I am All.
I won’t realize it ‘someday,’ but right now, my Being, my Presence, my Awareness is THAT I AM. I am literally and actually right NOW behind every eye. I am the only I. This is still pretty overwhelming to write, but I do not feel lonely anymore.
In retrospect, this has been approaching for a while now. When you hear expressions in Zen etc. such as "it is like riding on the mule looking for the mule," or "the beggar unknowingly sitting on a bag of gold," they are misleading you because the truth is not that you are sitting on the gold or riding the mule, but that you actually are the gold or mule ITSELF looking for you. I am literally and actually That which I was seeking. The sentience which is ‘I’ is the only ‘I.’ It is the ‘I’ behind all eyes.
Tonight when I came in to work, I nearly broke down in tears when the patient walked into the sleep lab and I knew that I was him … to know that his experience was happening to me. I could feel me behind him and it freaked me out as he was the first person I came in contact with since my Realization this morning.
All I want to do now is to make people happy, as I know that they are me. I am literally and actually the only One that experiences everything. How could I not love everyone with all my heart when I know that I am behind their appearance? I keep getting images of everything just smearing into everything else, like all of manifestation is fused together and flattened out as one continuous stream of phenomena.
I actually “got” all this before, but I always added that one degree of separation. But now I know that THIS IS IT. There is nothing to wake up to as YOU ARE ALREADY ENLIGHTENED. You are already “THAT I AM.” There is nothing else to wake up as YOU are already IT, and RIGHT NOW!!!
OK, that is all I can say about that right now and I didn't even get to the part where I discovered exactly how it is that the One is able to manifest as many. To restate it, I was always obsessed about how there is something rather than nothing. Not creation; creation is for dualists. Not first cause; cause is for dualists. Not the big bang; big bang is just a modern day version of the world being propped up by turtles that are also propped up by turtles and so on all the way down.
What I mean to say is that the big bang only avoids the question. What banged in the first place and how did
THAT come to be? It ignores the question of how is there something rather than nothing and it seems to me that by default there should be nothing. So, for me the question is not what created us, but how does the One appear as many as that speaks to the timeless nature of the Universe. No beginning and no end, no plan or purpose. All these things can only be considered in duality.
This is where I came up with an image of a ‘folded mirror.’ This is one of the many images or symbols that came to me as I contemplated the One appearing as many. The mirror representing the 'One and only' would have to reflect and be aware of itself, as the mirror is all there is. But there would have to be a differentiation or at least the appearance of one so that the mirror would have ‘some thing’ to reflect, and this one thing is the fold or crease from the bending of the mirror itself.
Imagine an infinite mirror that is perfectly reflective. Imagine that it is Awareness itself but it has nothing to be aware OF because it is all that is. But if it were to simply fold or invaginate, then it would face itself as a result of this indentation. Now you have Awareness of Awareness. The duet of One. This is exactly the Truth that I came to some weeks ago. This is how the One appears as many.
All there is is Awareness. So, what is…is Infinite Awareness. As the nature of Infinite Awareness is to be Aware, it is Aware of All. Because the nature of Infinite Awareness is to be infinite, total and complete, it can only be aware of itself as it is ‘all there is.’ The result is Awareness of Awareness.
It is the 'OF' that makes duality where there truly is none. Awareness OF Awareness implies a subject/object dichotomy where there is none. It is clearly evident that the Subject actually IS the object. Remove the ‘of.’ I AM THAT. Atman is Brahman. The dreamer is the dreamed. So on and so forth. There is nothing other than Awareness. The fold is what makes Awareness aware of itself, but nevertheless there is still only Awareness.
But, you know what? Who cares? All of this is removing the reader from the fact that he/she is already THAT. What you are RIGHT NOW is the ONE AND ONLY I. Your ‘I’ is my ‘I.’
I don’t think that there is anything else to say. Take what I say for what it's worth. For these words appear IN YOU. ….
If my 360 degree Experience was a slight shift in perspective, then this experience was a complete shift in perspective. With the 360 experience, I found my perspective backing up just enough to notice the screen that the world appears on directly in front of me. But in this present experience, I found my perspective backed up ALL the way to reveal that I was the One Pure Undifferentiated Awareness looking out from ALL eyes simultaneously. I saw for myself that every single experience that can EVER happen in any world, any astral plane, any Heaven for that matter, is always happening to the same One.
The key difference between the two Visions however was not the specifics but rather the sense of remembrance and finality that came only with this latest Vision. The sense of familiarity and finality comes from recognizing the root bottom of your true nature as if you are returning to your Ultimate Home. Enlightenment is not something new as I had always been led to believe. It’s something that’s always been there just under the surface of our incessantly chattering minds.
What drives the spiritual pursuit in the first place is the need to experience and understand our true nature, who we really are and our ultimate place in Reality. When I experienced the 360 degree vision, I still felt like I was an individual who just had a transcendental experience revealing our true design as individuals. But in terms of a final Enlightenment, I was still waiting for something else. As much as I longed to feel complete, I was still experiencing a strong sense of seeking something else.
It was only after the experience of Enlightenment, seeing my true nature as the ground of being, that all seeking spontaneously and instantly dropped. I had just spent my entire adult life being a voracious reader and a hungry practitioner of meditation and contemplation. It all ended at that moment. I have had zero desire to meditate or read since that day. I do still enjoy deep contemplation as I find myself regularly being in complete awe of Reality and everything that it has to offer, but Reality is no longer something for me to solve. This is it! The Ultimate Reality that we have all been promised has been right here all along.
The Ultimate Truth is that YOU, the reader of these words right now are the only one that exists. Everyone that you have ever met and will ever meet in any existence is actually you looking out through different eyes. I want to be very clear that I am not speaking metaphorically. This is an actual fact that can be self-verified by anyone that cares enough to investigate this them-self. There is already a rich and vast history of individuals from varying times and cultures who have discovered this same truth.
I was surprised when I realized how many people deeply resonated with my description of Enlightenment. The only criticism that I received was for sounding like a ‘solipsist.’ I don’t think that I was even familiar with the word ‘solipsism’ until after this experience. When I wrote about my 360 degree experience describing how I saw that I was ‘Nothing’ experiencing a screen of continually changing appearances, I was considered by some to be a ‘nihilist’ or a ‘world denier.’ After sharing this most recent experience, I was considered by some to be a ‘solipsist’ or a ‘megalomaniac.’
So, overnight, I went from being considered a nihilist (someone who thinks that they are ‘nothing’) to a solipsist (someone who thinks that they are ‘the only thing’). I really do understand these criticisms. You can’t expect to go running around ranting and raving about the world being an illusion and not be called a ‘nihilist’ or a ‘world denier.’ Likewise, you can’t go around screaming that you are the Space for everything in existence and not be called a megalomaniac or a solipsist.
But there is actually a tremendous difference between me and the nihilist as well as the solipsist. For example, when I say that the world is an illusion, I am not saying that the world doesn’t exist but instead that the world is actually God or Awareness. I never denied the fact that the world ‘appears.’ My point was that what we consider to be a fixed and solid world is actually God/Awareness manifesting as form.
Going back to my analogy of the rainbow ... I am not denying the appearance of the rainbow. I am only saying that the rainbow is not a fixed and solid actual thing, but instead that the rainbow is actually ungraspable Light. So, when I point out the fact that the world is actually an illusion, it is not meant to denigrate the world but instead to glorify it by recognizing its true and profound nature.
The difference between myself and the solipsist is that in my experience, I had to see that I was nothing before I could see that I was everything. In fact, in my experience, it was the very surrendering of the idea that I was some-thing that led me to the perspective that I was actually everything. I understand that this still sounds awfully close to saying that you are God but it would actually only be correct to say that God is you. After all, it is only in your absence that God appears.
Recently, I read about what neuroscientists call ‘mirror neurons’ and I got the idea that this may be a biological explanation for the experience that we call “Enlightenment.” Mirror neurons are thought to be responsible for our experience of empathy. It is the activation of these mirror neurons that may be responsible for us getting squeamish when we see someone experience something that we consider unpleasant. The activation of these mirror neurons make you feel like you are experiencing whatever it is that you are paying attention to.
Reading about these mirror neurons immediately reminded me of the experience of Enlightenment, beginning with my seeing from behind my daughter’s eyes. It also reminded me of why I kept emphasizing how literal I was being when I said that I was actually experiencing what it was like to be my daughter. I think that it’s possible that in that moment, the mirror neurons in my brain were activated to such an extent that I felt like I was my daughter as she is what I was looking at just prior to this experience. It felt like the bound
aries simply dropped away, leaving only my daughter.
Taking my idea of the mirror neurons into consideration, you can say that what happened next was just an expansion of the boundaries dissolving to the point that I was not just my daughter, but everyone in existence at the same time. This part of the experience was literally like I was looking through an infinite diamond where each facet of the diamond was a different life, a different scene depending on the particular perspective. It looked like an endless succession of infinite movie screens and I was the impersonal Awareness that was the Witness to all of those scenes simultaneously.
In the final part of the experience, my perspective returned to the point that I was no longer seeing through my daughter’s or anyone else’s eyes. At this point, I was seeing my backyard, but I didn’t see the backyard as being outside of myself. From my perspective, I was the yard. I was the sky, I was the earth. Everything that I saw, I was. There was absolutely no sense of separation between the world and myself.
If my idea is correct then, as I was looking out into the yard, my mirror neurons were activated to such an extent that in my experience, I was the yard. It was actually that image that stuck with me the most after the entire experience. For several months, I kept seeing the world that I was looking at as my body. I would be overcome with the strangely familiar sense that the ground was my torso, the houses were my arms and the mountains were my feet.
I didn’t have much time to recover from this experience, because it would be only one week later that I would experience my final Vision.
Chapter Six
The Final Vision
After I wrote about the experience of Enlightenment to an internet forum I was participating in, the first question that was asked of me was, “Where does ‘God’ fit into my spiritual practice?” The questioner, referred to as ‘C,’ took exception to my claim that God is everything and pointed out how blasphemous it sounds to suggest that God is something as trivial as an ink pen or even worse, Adolf Hitler. I copied my communications into my journal and the following is my attempt to make some sense of my strange proclamations …