by C. M. King
Chapter 5 - Confession
My eyes dropped down to the hot chocolate I was mindlessly stirring. I watched as the dark liquid swirled around the inside of the mug, slowly becoming hypnotised by the vortex it made.
“Are you looking for lost treasure?” Joel asked. I sensed the joking tone but the panic inside overshadowed the humour.
“What?” My eyes snapped up to meet his concerned blue.
My whole body flinched and I quickly licked my lips. I knew my twitchy behaviour hadn’t gone unnoticed. I’d caught lots of prying eyes watching me warily. I was no doubt giving off the strange vibe. The fact I’d practically leapt out of my seat every time the door banged shut, was a slight giveaway.
“Hey, are you okay?”
I quickly placed the spoon down and swallowed slowly, trying to regain some composure. I had to try and act more natural, well as natural as I possibly could manage in this moment in time.
“I’m fine,” I managed to croak out, though it was pretty obvious I was far from it.
“Penny for your thoughts?” he asked smiling, as he casually leaned over the bar, staring deep into my eyes. His close proximity only resulted in sending my anxiety levels through the roof.
My throat grew even tighter, I could barely choke out the words. “They’re not worth that much,” I whispered. My teeth took my anxiety out on my lip and I immediately tasted blood. I sucked it in to try and conceal it. I didn’t wish to arouse his suspicions any further.
He frowned at my reply, as his eyes held a look of concern. “I’d love to know what you’re thinking right now.”
“Trust me you don’t.” I feigned a smile, to convince him to drop it. I knew I’d already failed when his eyes continued to watch me closely. I dropped mine down, purposely locking them on to the beer mat in front of me. I twirled it around in my fingers as a distraction, avoiding staring into the eyes I knew would break me.
He hesitated, drumming his fingers against the bar. I knew he wanted to ask more questions, ones I just wasn’t ready to answer.
A large crowd of students bustled in catching Joel’s attention. The room filled with a general buzz, helping to drown out the voices in my head. I was grateful for the reprieve, they’d be a big enough distraction in keeping him busy.
My stomach clenched once again at the thought of rejection. What if I’d just built this entirely up in my own head?
I was all set to confess my feelings to him today, but sitting here at the bar the execution part seemed far less appealing. I was quickly becoming lost in a cyclone of negative thoughts, the fear taking hold once more.
My insecurities won out in the end and I turned ready to leave. Then felt a pair of eyes watching me from across the room.
I glanced over to a bunch of cute guys in suits. One smiled directly at me, while the others continued talking. I snapped my head round so fast my neck cracked, making me yelp.
Shit!
Major whiplash.
The pub began to fill up, rendering my conversation with Joel a non-starter. I sighed, annoyed at my cowardly self.
Maybe ignorance was bliss?
Yeah right.
Stepping down from the stool, I reached over to grab my belongings, only to find the cute guy heading in my direction. I contemplated grabbing my things and hightailing it out the door. But he was barely meters away. So I went with my only option, quickly sitting back down and pretended to sip my drink.
I smelt him before he reached the bar. My head filled with a rich intoxicating aroma, of what I had no doubt was an overly expensive aftershave.
“Can I buy you something stronger?” he asked, his voice confident and husky. He’d obviously practiced his routine several times on the ladies.
I sat clutching the hot chocolate like my life depended on it. My eyes slowly turned towards him. “No thanks, I’m happy with this for now.” I gave him a weak smile before turning back.
Just take the hint and leave.
The uncomfortable silence grew by the second and the air became so stifling I could barely breathe.
He shifted slightly, his hand rested on the bar bringing the attention back to him, to force our eyes to connect once again.
This time I noticed his gorgeous green eyes, they twinkled as he spoke. He really was a handsome guy. His short blonde hair totally complimented his naturally chiselled, tanned face. His green eyes only accentuated his look further, but I just wasn’t interested.
“So I’m Scott, I didn’t catch your name?” He smiled, flashing a set of perfect white teeth.
Errr yeah, I never gave you it.
I loathed being put on the spot, situations like this left me cold. I didn’t want to be here a moment longer but I was sat frozen on the stool. My body felt disconnected from my head, it wouldn’t move no matter how much I willed it.
“Izzy, well Isabelle really but all my friends call me Izzy.” Oh hell, why was I acting flustered and rambling on like an idiot? I wasn’t even interested, but after that little display he probably thought I was.
I inwardly berated myself for not acting more composed. I couldn’t be cool if I tried. I really needed Elijah to give me lessons. I was certain he’d be only too willing, after all he had now became my personal shopper.
“Isabelle, what a lovely name, well Izzy, can I ask if you’re single?”
Shit.
The guy was no holds barred, straight to the point. How the hell do I get out of this one? I needed an excuse but my brain was no longer cooperating. It wasn’t the best time for it to malfunction.
“Wow, you’re very direct.” I laughed, in a slightly annoyed way. Irritated he had the balls to be that forward. My head was screaming for me to leave but my legs still weren’t co-operating.
“Well I see a beautiful girl sitting alone at the bar and I want to know if I haven’t got my hopes up for nothing. I’d love to take you to dinner.” His smile grew wider and I blushed at his compliment. His body inched closer and I frowned at his proximity. I hated the direction the conversation was heading, taking more of an uncomfortable turn by the second.
I needed to go right now.
I glanced over at Joel, who was still busy serving the students, chatting away. He was thoroughly engrossed in the conversation, no doubt football related. I wanted to scream, to catch his attention, but no words left my lips.
I turned back to Scott, who was waiting almost expectantly for an answer. “Yes, I’m single,” I murmured begrudgingly, shuffling my feet in agitation. I was not that good of a liar to pull it off, my face was always a dead giveaway.
“Really?” he asked, raising an eyebrow. “I thought a gorgeous girl like you would be snapped up.” His voice was laced with a level of excitement that sent a mixture of unease right through me. He smiled like I was a certainty to say yes. Yeah he was definitely a smooth talking charmer, but his words just left me cold.
My eyes flicked away from Scott’s, instantly feeling Joel’s stare burning right into me. The intensity sent shivers throughout my body.
Hallelujah.
It had taken him long enough.
I wanted him to charge over, to rescue me like a white knight. Judging by the intense looks he was shooting my way, he’d only be happy to help. Just one signal from me and all my prayers would be answered. But I had to know how deep his feelings went.
A smile crossed my lips. This would be the perfect opportunity to gauge his response. Flirting with another guy could give me what I wanted, but I was going to have to be cruel in my quest to find the answer.
“So where would we go for this meal?” I asked smiling, my fingers twirling the ends of my hair. I was now in full on flirt mode, hoping I was putting on quite a show with my little performance.
“Well I would take you to this lovely Italian bistro, that’s near here…”
I stopped my eyes mid roll, I had to remember to appear interested, but my curiosity got the better of me. I quickly glanced over to check Joel was still watching, and he was and this time ou
r eyes connected.
From his tight clenched jaw and the way his blue eyes pierced into mine, he definitely wasn’t happy.
My plan was actually working.
Turning back to Scott, I nodded and smiled in all the right places. Feeling happy Joel’s eyes were fixed on me. He remained glaring behind the bar, but I knew I would have to take it to the next level, to achieve the reaction I wanted.
Preferably before I fell into a coma.
God this guy was boring.
Scott, I was certain wouldn’t take much convincing. He was more than enthusiastic for the both of us. I needed to see the full extent of Joel’s jealousy, to know if he harboured any feelings for me.
“Ow,” I said overdramatically, batting my lashes.
“What’s up?” Scott asked, immediately frowning, as he came even closer.
I pretend pouted for dramatic effect. “I have something in my eye.” I fluttered my eyelashes, carrying on the charade. I knew Joel’s eyes were still locked on me and I was glad. I wanted his full attention.
“Let me have a look? It’s probably just an eyelash.” Scott closed the small distance between us and gently cupped my face, lifting it up towards the light.
I opened my eyes wide and his thumb grazed my cheek. His face was barely inches away, I felt his warm, soft breath tickle softly against my skin, as his sparkling green eyes stared deep into mine.
Oh god.
Abort the plan. Abort the plan.
“Something wrong Iz?” Joel snapped loudly. The cold, hard edge to his voice made me jump with fright.
I spun around fast, to find him standing in front of me. His jaw was tight and I watched the muscle twitch, when he glared at Scott. He looked like he wanted to kill him.
I got my reaction then.
I bit back the smile, threatening to take over my face. Quickly slipping back into my little actress role. “Well Scott here was helping me with an eyelash, which thankfully he’s managed to get out,” I replied, hoping my innocent little act was doing the trick.
Scott grinned acting like the big hero, lapping up the praise. Despite the fact he’d never even touched my eye. Joel stood seething, with his fists curled up in rage, his eyes now dark and dangerous.
My plan had definitely worked. I had got the response I wanted. Now I needed for Scott to leave, but it looked like he wasn’t going anywhere.
Shit.
Major flaw in the plan.
I guess I was the one leaving then? Before the toxic triangle got anymore awkward.
“Well I’d better be going, that essay won’t write itself,” I said breezily, trying to act natural. I quickly gathered up my coat and bag, ready to make a sharp exit.
“Hey, can I have your number or give you mine?” Scott asked, looking hopeful, as he flashed me another blinding smile.
Seriously?
The guy never missed a beat.
Plus a girl would need sunglasses to date him. I think he really should tone down on the whitener.
I watched Joel’s hands grip the bar tight. I was afraid to look up into his face, I knew it already would be dark and thunderous.
Scott reached into his tailored jacket, which had to be expensive, the cut on his body was amazing. I could tell he worked out by the definition of his chest through his expensive shirt. He really was a catch, any girl would be lucky to have him. But I just wasn’t interested. The only guy I wanted was standing burning a hole into me with his eyes, at this precise moment.
He pulled out a flashy business card, handing it over. His finger deliberately grazed against mine. He grinned with obvious delight when my eyes grew wider, clearly enjoying my reaction.
I really had to get out of here now.
“Well it was really lovely to meet you Scott,” I muttered through gritted teeth. I felt like my face was about to crack, if I kept up this expression for a moment longer.
He smiled giving me a cheeky wink, bringing a hot blush to my face. Which made him smile even more.
I glanced over at Joel. A look of pain flashed across his face and his eyebrows scrunched together. His eyes remained sad, questioning my actions. I knew I’d hurt him. It was obvious from his reaction he was jealous. I felt like a complete and total bitch. My only consolation was I finally had the reassurance I needed. I knew things were about to change, and for the first time in a while I couldn’t wait for that to happen.
* * *
The next day I tried and failed to speak to Joel. I wondered if the gods were sending me some sort of sign to just leave it and move on already. Was it seriously worth having a nervous breakdown over? But then I was gifted the perfect opportunity. My Mother was leaving to stay at my Aunts for the next five days, and Mike was given the unenviable task of running her to the train station.
She lectured us all on our behaviour before she departed, but I knew Mike would get the brunt of her nagging during the car journey, which made me smile even harder.
Waving the final goodbye, I watched with a smile on my face, as the car drove off into the distance.
Perfect.
Could not have planned it better.
I closed the door ready to begin the conversation I knew would ultimately change things forever. But the grave look Joel gave me, sent my heart plummeting.
“Joel, we need to talk–”
“Iz please…” He cut me off, letting out a loud exhale of frustration.
Fuck.
My eyes flashed to his. “No Joel, I need to say it, I need you know I can’t stop thinking about you. I feel this intensity when we’re together, the way you look at me. I want to be more than friends. I want to be with you. I know Mike won’t be happy but I’ve never felt like this way before, and I know you feel it too, but I need to know for certain. Please tell me what you’re thinking…” The last part came out as a sob, he’d barely given me eye contact throughout. In my heart I knew what that meant, I just had trouble accepting it.
“Iz…” he whispered. His eyes dropped down to the ground, sending my heart plummeting further.
He didn’t want me.
I’d just freed myself of the secret that had tormented me for six years, only to be rejected within a matter of seconds.
He let out a long, deep breath, he slowly looked back up, his eyes now sad and pained. “We can’t be together, yes I do feel it too but I’m no good for you. You deserve far better than me…”
“But I want you–”
“I can’t – I won’t do it to Mike. He warned me off you, he said from day one you were off limits and he’s my best friend. If we get together it will rip your family apart and I love your family, I don’t want to destroy it. We can’t act on our feelings, I think it’s best that we just keep our distance from each other.”
“NO!” I screamed. “I don’t give a shit about what Mike thinks, if we want to be together then it has nothing to do with him. Please if you feel anything for me you would try, we owe it to ourselves to see where this is heading,” I pleaded, my eyes begging for him to change his mind.
His eyes burned into mine for a few moments. “Izzy, I have to respect my best friend wishes, god knows I would be the same if I had a sister. We can’t be together and I think we need to keep away from each other, till whatever this is blows over,” he said, waving his hand dismissively.
What the fuck?
“Blows over, it’s not like a fucking cold, I have feelings for you. I want to be with you and if you felt the same about me, then you would go with what’s in your heart, obviously I don’t mean that much to you then!”
Joel’s eyes widened and he grabbed my arms, pulling me close to his face. “How can you say that, I am in agony here. I don’t enjoy this misery, it’s killing me.”
“Then be with me,” I screamed, my voice was so full of anguish I barely recognised it. Everything was crumbling around me, I was grasping on for dear life, hoping and preying for any sign he’d change his mind.
He immediately dropped his hands, like I was s
uddenly tainted. He walked over to the window and pressed his face into the glass, taking in long, heavy breaths.
I stood up, but my feet remained cemented to the floor. Tears streamed down my face, my eyes never left his for a moment. The air had turned toxic and despair filled my lungs, as I struggled to breathe. I knew what was coming before he even opened his mouth.
He turned around and my eyes locked with his.
“Please Joel.” It came out more as a whisper. I held my breath, waiting for him to shatter the little piece of hope I had left.
“I can’t Iz, and you need to accept that. We will never be together.”
A loud sob broke free. Joel flinched at my response and his jaw tightened. I wanted to collapse in a heap right there but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction.
I had to leave.
I couldn’t bear to be around him a moment longer. I stormed out of the room as the sobs came thick and fast, my body losing the fight to hold them back.
I raced up the stairs, slamming the door hard behind me. I flung myself down onto the bed, giving into the misery and pain, as my heart slowly shattered into a million pieces.
After a few minutes I heard a light knock on my door. “Iz, are you okay?”
Was he actually kidding?
“Just leave me alone Joel,” I managed to croak out. “You asked me to do that for you, so you need to respect my wishes too.”
“I’m sorry Iz, I never meant for it to go this far.” His voice sounded strained. I wondered if he’d been crying too? But I was too angry to care, I’d long run out of sympathy.
“I’m sorry too for ever thinking we could be together, I’m such an idiot.”
Yeah, a right fucking idiot.
“Iz, you’re not. I’m the idiot. You’ll be glad one day when you meet Mr Right that I turned you down, you deserve so much better than me.”
The thought alone made me sick. I only ever wanted him, but he didn’t want me.
Game over.
“Just leave me alone Joel.” My voice cracked and I pushed my face deeper into the pillow, muffling the sobs.
He sighed deeply, before moving away to make his way back downstairs. Once the front door slammed I gave into the grief, welcoming myself to a whole new world of pain.