The Judas Scar

by Amanda Jennings

  Harmony stepped back so their arms fell away from each other.

  ‘Really?’ she said.

  He nodded. ‘Yes. I want to give you a baby and want to raise that baby with you. I want a father-child relationship I can be proud of. I want to get it right, where my own father got it so wrong.’

  ‘But what about the vasectomy?’

  ‘I spoke to the hospital this afternoon. They said a reversal is straightforward enough and because it’s such a short time since it was done it’s almost certain sperm production will come back. Something to do with a low chance of epidermis blockage.’

  Harmony smiled. ‘You mean epididymal.’

  ‘Do I?’ He furrowed his brow. ‘What did I say?’

  ‘It doesn’t matter.’ She shook her head and took hold of his hand. ‘I’ll just get my bag from the car.’

  ‘I’ll do it,’ he said. ‘Did it really take four hours to get here?’ She walked to the car with him, opened the boot and let him take her bag for her.

  ‘Yes, it was a dreadful journey,’ she said. ‘There was an accident. And it was hot too.’

  ‘Shall I run you a bath? I could jump in with you.’

  They walked up the stairs quietly so as not to wake his mother, and then Will went into the bathroom. He poured some bubble bath in and pushed his sleeves up to swish the water. Harmony came in and Will slid the lock closed on the door. Then he turned the light off, leaving the room gently lit by the glow of the street lamps. They got undressed and climbed into the bath. Will sat behind Harmony, who lay back against his chest. They kept the water running until it was only a few inches below the lip of the bath and then turned off the taps. It was quiet and dark and the warm water enveloped them.

  ‘This is lovely,’ she murmured.

  He moved his hands back and forth through the water so it made a gentle lapping sound. The feel of her skin against his was magical. He rubbed his hands down her arms from shoulder to fingertip, then pushed his fingers through hers and clasped her hands. He leant forward and reached for the flannel that hung on a hook on the wall and submerged it in the water. He took the soap and rubbed it against the flannel and then began to rub her skin, carefully and softly, the light from outside the window glinting on her wet, smooth shoulders and chest. She turned her head and kissed him, touched the tip of her tongue lightly to his. Then she climbed wordlessly out of the bath and laid a towel on the floor. She took his hand and pulled him gently out and they kissed. He stepped back from her and took in her body, wondering, as he often did, at how beautiful she was. He smiled at her and she returned it, then held his hand and they dropped to the floor.

  Afterwards, they lay with their limbs entwined like pieces in a jigsaw, her head resting lightly on his chest.

  ‘I was shopping this afternoon,’ he said softly, ‘so I could cook Mum some supper, and there was an elderly man in the queue in front of me. He was dressed in a suit with a green waistcoat and a tie, but it was pretty grubby and crumpled. In his basket was a single portion of reduced shepherds’ pie, a Battenberg and a can of cider.’ He stroked her shoulder lightly. ‘It was sad. Really sad.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘I don’t know, I suppose the thought of this old man dressing himself smartly in a suit he doesn’t clean, buying out of date food for just himself each day. It was one of the loneliest things I’d ever seen. I convinced myself I was going to end up like that.’

  ‘You won’t end up like that.’

  ‘I was terrified you weren’t coming back to me.’

  She kissed his chest and stroked his hand. ‘Well, I did come back. And I’m here, right where I want to be and I’m not going anywhere, so you’ll have to share your Battenberg.’

  C H A P T E R T W E N T Y - F I V E

  Harmony was in the kitchen with Gill having a cup of tea while Will nipped out for some twine to tie back the rambling rose outside the back door. The car was packed and ready for them to head back to London as soon as he reappeared.

  ‘It’s lovely to see you both,’ Gill said. ‘Will seems much happier this morning. I’m so glad.’

  ‘We’re both happier,’ Harmony said. ‘It’s been a tough few months.’

  She glanced again at her phone which lay face up on the table, but there had been no phone calls or texts from Luke since she left his apartment. The relief was immense, and waking up beside her husband that morning had felt like waking up to a new life.

  ‘You will make sure you eat properly, though, won’t you? You’re looking a little thin.’

  Gill went upstairs and Harmony looked out of the window at the driving rain, the wind blowing the drops against the window, collecting in rivulets that ran down the glass. She went through to the living room and cast her eye over the book shelves. She pulled out a copy of To Kill a Mockingbird, a favourite book she’d read countless times, sat on the sofa and opened it at the beginning. There was a chill in the room so she reached for the blanket that lay folded over the arm of the sofa and pulled it over her.

  Her phone ringing made her jump. Panic rose in her immediately. She grabbed for it, ready to turn Luke’s call off, but saw her sister’s name instead. She smiled and shook her head. Silly to be so jumpy, she thought.

  ‘Hey Soph,’ she said. ‘How are—’

  ‘I don’t know what on earth is going on but I’ve just had some man on the doorstep saying he’s having an affair with you.’

  Harmony’s heart skipped a beat.

  ‘Hello? Did you hear me?’

  Harmony cursed Luke silently. How dare he go to her sister’s house?

  ‘What did he say?’ she asked, tapping her finger rapidly on the arm of the sofa.

  ‘Oh my God, it’s true?’ Harmony could hear her sister’s disapproval beneath the shock. ‘He told me Will is so angry about it he’s worried for your safety. He asked if I knew where you were.’

  ‘Did you tell him?’

  ‘No, I didn’t tell him. I said I had no bloody idea where you were, which, as a matter of fact, I don’t. But even if I did, I wouldn’t have told him; I didn’t like the way he was talking to me.’

  ‘I’m sorry,’ Harmony whispered. A cold sweat crept over the back of her neck. She stood up and her head swam as if she were drunk.

  Sophie sighed down the phone. ‘The man seems unstable, Harmony.’ The irritation in her voice had abated. ‘How does he even know where I live?’

  Harmony was bombarded by flashes of the photos he had of her and Will in his apartment. She wondered how long he’d been following them. Just the thought of it gave her the shivers. ‘I have no idea.’

  ‘And who is he?’ She paused. ‘Do you love him?’

  ‘God, no! It’s over. It was nothing. Just an afternoon.’ Harmony dropped her head into her hand. Her stomach turned over and over as she realised she’d been naive to think this would just go away. ‘Are you cross with me?’

  ‘I’m not cross with you. I’m surprised, that’s all. I didn’t think you’d ever do something like that.’

  Harmony didn’t reply. There was nothing she could say.

  ‘If it’s over, why did he tell me you’re leaving Will?’ Sophie asked. ‘Is he right? Are you?’

  ‘No, of course not,’ Harmony said. ‘But I’ve got myself into a real mess and I’m not sure what to do.’

  ‘Do you want to tell me what’s going on?’

  Harmony told Sophie what had happened, everything from meeting him at the party through to the afternoon they spent at Will’s studio and the attempt she’d made to end it at the restaurant. She told her about the barrage of phone calls and texts, but not about going to his apartment and the rage he’d got into; it would only worry her more.

  ‘You’re going to have to tell Will, you know.’

  ‘No,’ Harmony said, shaking her head. ‘No, I can’t. He’ll be so upset. I can’t do that to him. It’s not fair. And what would it achieve? If this situation has shown me one thing it’s that I want to make my marriage work.’
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  ‘Well, he’s going to find out. That man has no intention of letting this lie. He’s delusional. He thinks the two of you belong together.’

  When Harmony finally put the phone down a wave of nausea swept over her. Gill called through with an offer of a sandwich.

  ‘No, thanks,’ she called back, trying to stop her voice from shaking. ‘I’m fine.’

  She sat on the edge of the sofa. She couldn’t risk Luke or anyone else telling Will. It had to come from her. As she tried to think of the best way to tell him, tears began to pour down her cheeks. It wasn’t long until she heard the front door open and close. Will was home. She wrapped her arms around herself and waited for him.

  ‘What’s happened?’ Will said as soon as he saw her face. ‘What’s wrong?’

  She looked up at him, her eyes red from crying, tears soaking the tissue she was clutching. ‘Everything. I need … to tell you … something,’ she said through sobs. ‘Can you … close the door? I don’t want … your … mum to hear.’

  He closed the door and sat beside her on the sofa and took her hand. She looked down at his hand on hers. Large, soft hands, with a light dusting of blonde hairs across the top of them, short nails, the edge of one thumbnail bitten into an irregular shape. She stroked his skin with her other hand and shook her head. Two tears fell onto his jeans. The ache in her chest was unbearable.

  ‘Hey,’ he soothed. ‘It’s okay. Everything’s okay. I’m here.’

  She felt as if she was part of a firing squad, rifle aimed at a blindfolded innocent, her finger hovering on the trigger.

  ‘I had … ’ She sniffed and pushed the kitchen roll against her eyes. ‘I got involved with someone.’ She took a deep breath and watched as his face fell. ‘It lasted one afternoon.’ She lifted her hand to the side of his face and rested the flat of her palm against him.

  ‘I don’t understand.’ His brow furrowed in confusion.

  ‘I shouldn’t have let it happen, but it did. I finished it, but … ’ She hesitated and tears began to fall again. ‘But he won’t stop calling me.’ This was even harder than she imagined it would be. ‘He even went to Sophie’s—’

  ‘Who is it?’ Will demanded. He stood up and walked over to the fireplace and gripped the mantelpiece with one hand.

  She didn’t answer.

  ‘Do I know him?’

  She closed her eyes, dropped her head and nodded.

  ‘Who is it?’

  ‘Luke,’ she whispered.

  ‘What?’

  ‘It’s Luke.’

  She looked up at him and saw the horror on his face and her heart lurched.

  ‘How? Why?’ he whispered. ‘Luke?’ She could see him concentrating, as if he was trying to translate a foreign language. ‘Luke Crawford? Who I was at school with? But you don’t know him. I mean, you’ve only just met.’

  ‘It should never have happened. I was … ’ she hesitated, ‘I was all over the place. It was a mistake. I felt alone, and … confused. I … was … I was so angry with you, Will. About the vasectomy, the miscarriage, about feeling pushed away by you. And … and … I was flattered by his attention and I wasn’t thinking straight. It meant nothing. Do you understand that? It meant absolutely nothing.’

  ‘Of course it meant something. Everything means something.’

  He moved back to the sofa and sat down, pushed himself into the corner, keeping distance between them.

  ‘This didn’t.’ She rubbed her eyes dry and took a few deep breaths.

  Will rubbed his face. ‘Where?’ he said then, turning his head to fix his eyes on her.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Where did you fuck?’

  Her stomach turned over. She looked at him in shock, surprised at the tone in his voice, the harshness of his words.

  ‘Tell me where you fucked.’

  ‘Please don’t do this.’

  ‘Tell me.’

  ‘How will it help?’

  ‘It won’t help. But I want to know. Did you fuck him in our bed?’

  ‘No,’ she said. ‘Of course not.’ She felt wounded by his question, shocked he would think she’d do that. But as she sat there, looking at his emotionally battered face, shoulders hunched, dazed and confused, she realised how ridiculous this was. Why was sleeping with Luke in their bed any more awful than sleeping with him at the studio or in the back of a car or some bed and breakfast off the M25? She was sickened by her own hypocrisy. Her eyes prickled. ‘It was at the studio. I’m so sorry,’ she said.

  Will swore under his breath.

  ‘There’s more, though,’ she said. ‘You were right, he blames you for something. I didn’t quite understand, but he said something about you having his life. He says he loves me and … and he won’t leave me alone. I told him I don’t want to see him. I told him I love you but he won’t listen.’ She gave way to more tears.

  ‘He wants me to leave you. He’s got it into his head that he and I should be together.’

  Will stared straight ahead.

  ‘Will?’ she said, his face blurring through her tears.

  He stood up, and without a word he walked out of the room. Harmony heard him pick up his keys then walk out of the house, slamming the front door behind him. A moment later she heard the car engine start up and the car pull away with a screech of acceleration.

  Will didn’t come back. Harmony sat at the kitchen table and watched the clock march slowly around. She held her breath when the phone in the house rang, terrified it was going to be the police saying he’d been in an accident. By six o’clock she began to think about people he might have gone to. She phoned Sophie and Frank, and sent deliberately vague texts to a couple of Will’s other friends, asking them to get him to call if he happened to show up. Then she telephoned Emma.

  ‘If he turns up at yours, you’ll call me? Even if he tells you not to?’

  ‘Yes, of course. We’re in tonight. Ian came back with some dreadful war film he bought for a couple of pounds from Tesco. Anything but talk to me.’

  Harmony could tell that Emma wanted to talk about Ian again, but she didn’t have the energy. ‘I’ve got a few more calls to make,’ she said. ‘I’ll call you for a chat tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m sure he’ll be back soon.’

  Harmony closed her eyes. ‘I hope so,’ she said.

  She hesitated before calling Luke. Cold dread filled her at the thought of Will confronting him. Might he have gone to find him? She dialled Luke’s number.

  ‘Luke?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Is Will with you?

  ‘No.’

  ‘I told him what we did and then he left the house in the car. That was hours ago and he’s not come back. I thought he might have come to talk to you.’ The churning in her stomach was unbearable. ‘He was angry. Really angry. I … I don’t want you to fight.’

  ‘He’s not here. Where are you?’

  ‘Jesus, Luke, I thought I made all this clear yesterday. I’m not telling you where I am and if you go to my sister’s house again she’ll have you arrested,’ she said with a flare of anger. ‘How did you even find out where she lived? Did you stalk her too?’

  ‘You told the taxi driver her address the evening we had a drink after work.’

  ‘Just get in touch with me if he turns up.’ There was silence from Luke.

  ‘Please,’ Harmony said, trying hard to keep her voice calm. Still silence.

  ‘Luke, please will you call me if you see him.’

  ‘Yes. And will you call me if he shows up?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I’m not a monster, Harmony. If something happens to him behind the wheel of a car because he’s upset about what happened between us I’d never forgive myself. It’s happened before, remember? Not to mention I’d quite like to know he’s not about to show up to kick the shit out of me.’

  ‘Sure, I’ll let you know.’

  Harmony had lied to Gill and told her Will had rushed back to London to check on the wine
shop. She said the burglar alarm had gone off and he’d been called in by the systems alert service that the shop employed. That’s why he’d left in such a hurry. When he didn’t return by suppertime she told her it had been more complicated than it should have been, but that Will assured her he’d be back as soon as possible to pick her up.

  ‘Do you need to get back for work?’ Gill asked her. ‘I could call a cab to take you to the station.’

  Harmony hesitated. She was pretty sure he’d come back to his mother’s house and she wanted to be there when he did. ‘Do you mind if I stay? I’m a bit tired and I don’t have to be at the office tomorrow. I’ve got things I can be getting on with – if I can use your computer?’

  ‘Of course. It will be nice to have your company.’ Gill stood to leave the kitchen but paused at the doorway. ‘Are you all right, Harmony? You seem very distracted.’

  ‘I’m actually a bit worried about Will. I’d have thought he’d be back or called at least.’ She wondered if she should tell Gill she’d lied about the burglar alarm.

  ‘Good gracious, I’ve been worrying about that boy for the whole of his life.’ Gill smiled. ‘He’ll be fine. He always is.’

  Harmony made them bowls of soup and buttered toast for supper, which they ate while watching a costume drama that Harmony found hard to concentrate on. When they finished she carried the empty bowls back to the kitchen and washed them up, staring out of the window as the night settled over Gill’s small, neat garden. It lacked the flare and excitement of the garden at her last house. It was as if the passion had gone, as if she didn’t have the time or energy to create anything special. It was easy to think their garden had been the place Gill escaped to on those occasions when her husband’s behaviour was too much to bear. On the other hand, perhaps gardening was a hobby they both enjoyed and it was this shared pleasure that revealed itself in the haven they created. There were always several sides to a story. Perhaps that’s why she felt safe with science. Options were minimised. There were rules and theories. You worked on a theory until you had a rule. Grey areas unsettled her. She dried the bowls and put them away. Then she called the flat and Will’s mobile again. But there was still no answer from either.