by Naomi Niles
He stood in front of me like a child being scolded by his parents. He wanted to respond, but I could tell he was biting his tongue. “Get the fuck out, Brian! Just go!” He knocked twice on my desk, then left the room without saying a word to me. I slammed the door behind him, then sat at my desk and buried my head in my hands. I still hadn’t cried at all since Sarah had passed away, and I knew that wasn’t a good thing.
I sat in the office for awhile, quietly, as the rain clouds moved in closer and blanketed the sky like an umbrella. I knew I was going to have to apologize to Brian for how I reacted. He was a good friend and he’d always been there for me through the thick and thin times of our business. Out of everyone I knew, he was the closest person to me, and for a guy who barely had any family out here in Arizona, he was like a brother.
I knocked on his door a few minutes later. He opened it in silence and stood tall on the other side, waiting for me to speak. “I’m sorry, Brian. You didn’t deserve any of that nonsense I spewed out earlier. You are a better man than that, and I just…” I took a deep breath as the reality of what I said to him earlier sunk into my heart. “I’m just dealing with a lot right now. Holding in things and forcing them to come out in different ways. I know–”
“Boss,” he said, interrupting me, “I understand. I know that you are dealing with something right now. Something that I can’t even comprehend myself. I’m sure I’d be snapping out at everyone if I was in your situation, so I get it. It’s alright, man. I’m not holding anything against you.”
He extended his hand towards me. It was a sign to bury the hatchet between us and forget about my little outburst I had just a while ago. I sighed, and then connected my hand with his. “Thank you, brother. That means a lot to me. You are like a brother, and I don’t ever want you to feel like you are less than that. I was just being dumb, man, that’s all.”
“I told you, boss, I understand. No need to apologize anymore. Besides that, my wife has said much worse stuff to me than what came out of your mouth, so if ‘writing my check’ is all you’ve got, then you’ve got a lot of work to do to catch up with her. I’ve been everything from a deadbeat dad to a no-good husband to a pussy, all in the same breath.” He laughed to himself. “So, I’ll be alright. I’ll be alright.”
“Thank you. But, I think I’m gonna take your advice and head on out. The funeral is in a couple of hours, and I just need to take some time to myself before I blow up on another innocent person. Are you sure you’ve got everything under control?”
“I’m positive, boss,” he said proudly. “I’ve got everything under control. You go on home and get some rest or do whatever you need to do before the funeral. I’ll see you there.”
“Thanks, brother. Thanks again.”
“My pleasure.”
He wrapped his arms around me, and for that moment, I felt the loving embrace of a family member that I needed to help me get through this time. After we had released, I headed to the church and sat outside in the parking lot. I didn’t feel the desire to go home because I probably would’ve convinced myself not to come to the funeral. The thought of trying to be consoled by people I hardly knew was enough to drive me crazy. I wasn’t much of a people person, and over time, my introverted personality kept me alienated from many who would’ve otherwise been my friend.
As I sat in the car, drops of rain splashed onto my windshield. I felt that I could walk outside and cry as much as I wanted to, knowing that the rain would make my tears invisible, but I didn’t want to bring myself to that point. I was raised not to shed a tear, and from my childhood, that idea stuck with me. I could count on one hand the number of times I cried out loud, and I couldn’t remember any since I became a teenager.
I thought about reaching out to her mother. Tracking her down somewhere in the world, wherever she was, but that was no use. She probably wouldn’t care one way or the other, and the thought of seeing her would be enough to make me explode. Sarah wouldn’t want that, and she would probably turn over in her grave if I were to do anything crazy that could put myself in jail. So, I felt it was best to keep her away.
The minister greeted me as soon as I stepped inside. His hands were warm; his eyes were soft blue, the color of the sky behind the dark clouds. His beard was thick and full of gray hairs, and his deep voice billowed from like smoke from a chimney. “Mr. Zimmer. How are you doing this morning?”
“About as good as I could be, given the situation.”
“I truly understand that sir, I truly understand. Well, we are here to make this transition for you as easy as possible. Come,” he said, encouraging me to follow him, “let us go to my chamber upstairs. I have breakfast up there. It is not much but a cup of coffee and a few doughnuts.”
“No,” I said, rejecting his offer. “I think I will just stay in the sanctuary for the time being. Just wait for, um,” I hesitated, “just wait for things to get started. I believe the mortuary will be delivering,” I searched for the words again.
“Yes,” he said, picking up on my hesitation, “I understand. Well, go ahead and take your seat in the sanctuary. For the time being, consider this your second home. Relax and let any of us know if you need anything.”
“Thank you.”
He smiled, then went upstairs as I walked into the sanctuary. The large, empty room was intimidating. My footsteps echoed off the walls as I walked to the front of the room and took a seat in one of the pews. It had been a while since I stepped foot in a church, and I never thought that my next time would be for my daughter’s funeral. When I exhaled, the sound bounced off the stained glass windows and the rain outside increased in velocity as it crashed into the top of the building. Lightning pierced the sky above as I sat in silence and dropped my head with a crescent smile on my face. Sarah loved the rain.
Chapter Six
Caroline
Johnathan came with me to Sarah’s funeral. I changed my clothing four times before I left the dorm. I stopped when I was about to change for the fifth time. I realized that I wasn’t doing anything more than stalling. It seemed like if I never showed up to the funeral, it wouldn’t start, and maybe eventually I would wake up from this nightmare before it was too late. As much as I tried to convince myself that reality was fiction, it didn’t work.
“Babe,” Johnathan said as he stood by the door, “are you almost ready? The funeral will be starting in a bit.”
“Don’t call me babe,” I snapped as tears blurred my vision. He stood silently, resting against the door frame, his eyes popped open wide to what I just said. I exhaled. “I’m sorry.” I walked closer to him. “I am sorry. I am just stressed out. I’m an emotional wreck, and I am just snapping at everyone. I snapped at my cousin yesterday, and all she did was call when I was asleep. You can call me babe.”
I wrapped my arms around him, but I could tell he was uneasy. We hadn’t taken it any further than a few dates, and he wanted more, but I just wasn’t ready for anything set in stone yet. I was set to move away to California after graduation, and even though I knew Sarah’s passing could change my plans a bit, I didn’t want to lock myself in a long-distance relationship. “You don’t have to apologize; you are right. You’re not my baby. Right now, we are just friends, and I am doing what a friend should do for another.”
I kissed him on the cheek. “Yeah, but even so, I shouldn’t have said that to you. You are a friend, and you have been the perfect friend to me ever since we met. You didn’t deserve that, and I am sorry.”
“It’s alright.” He smiled. “I’ll be fine, and I’ll be around as long as you need me to be. You are worth waiting for, Caroline. Seriously.”
He was a complete gentleman towards me at all times. We had been friends for the past six months, and we’d never crossed any lines sexually. Sarah would always ask me when I was going to spring him out of the friend zone and let him “pop my cherry,” as she would say, but I wasn’t sure about that idea. My last relationship ended in a shitstorm of hurt and anger almost a yea
r ago, and I wasn’t ready to go down the path again. Not with Johnathan, at least. Maybe things would change down the line, but for right now, I was comfortable keeping him at arm's length from me.
We climbed into his vehicle and headed to the church. I packed my purse with Kleenex before I left, knowing that there was a good chance that I would use every piece inside throughout the course of the service. The rain fell in droves on our way there. I smiled, thinking about how much Sarah enjoyed the rain. She used to go outside in the middle of thunderstorms just to run around and splash in the puddles like she was a little kid. She would try to drag me out there with her, and I only went a few times for the sake of saying I did it.
Her laugh and the way she was so carefree about life are the things I will miss about her the most. I could always go to her when I needed a quick pick-me-up, and she never failed to provide it. She was a party girl, and when we were in high school, she got me into a bit of trouble because I always followed her to late night parties and broke my curfew. My dad would be so upset with me that he’d put me on punishment and forbid me to remain friends with Caroline.
That only lasted for a few days, because after he had gotten over it, he’d always ask about her and wonder why she hadn’t been around for so long. It was hard for me when he passed two and a half years ago, but Caroline was right there every day to make sure I was alright. She spent the night with me and never left my side during the hardest time in my life. It was things like that that separated her from any other friend I’d had before. She was my sister, and I wouldn’t see it any other way.
We finally arrived at the church. The lot was full of cars as Johnathan drove around looking for a place to park. “Caroline, how about I let you out in the front of the church, so you don’t have to walk in the rain.” He stopped in front of the building as I looked towards the door. I squinted my eyes to get a better look, and that is when I noticed him. Her father looked exactly the same way he did when I saw him years ago. My heart sank when I thought about the pain he was feeling right now.
“Alright, Johnathan,” I said as I put my hand on the door. “I’ll wait for you in the lobby.”
“OK.”
I popped the umbrella open and got out of the car as he sputtered around the parking lot. My heartbeat sped up inside of my chest with each step I took through the pouring rain. I avoided a puddle on the way to the steps as Mr. Zimmer stood with his hand out, waiting to help me up. “Thank you, Mr. Zimmer,” I said as we stood beneath the overhang.
“It is my job,” he said with a smile. “It is good to see you, Caroline. I thought that was you coming up the steps, but I wasn’t sure until you got closer. It’s been a little while since I saw you.”
“Yeah, I know. I was in the car and I said the same thing. You… you look exactly the same, though. That helped me identify who you were.”
He placed his hands into his pockets. “Well, I hope that is a good thing.”
“Yes, it is. Trust me, it is. You don’t look your age at all.” I caught myself from saying anything else that would make our conversation awkward. “Um, so, I think it is just sad that we have to see each other again under these circumstances. Sarah. Sarah was my best friend for life. I’ve had a hard week coming to terms with her death, but I can’t imagine what you are feeling.”
He sighed as he looked beyond me towards the parking lot. I could tell he was battling with the wide range of emotions that were bubbling inside of him. It was the same way I felt when my father passed away, but the only difference is that I cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. I was a big baby for at least the first two weeks. “Yeah, it is rough, I cannot lie about that. But, I am handling it the best way I can.” He fixed his attention on me as the rain crashed onto the top of the porch. “And I know that you lost your father not too long ago, right?”
I sighed. “Yeah. It’s been almost three years, and I still have my moments, but overall, I’m doing much better.”
“That is good, Caroline. I know that time heals all wounds. Some things take a little longer than others, but time does heal all.”
Just then, Johnathan rushed through the rain and climbed the steps. He popped his coat free from raindrops like a wet dog as he stood next to me. “Sheesh, it is pouring. I thought it would let up by now, but here we are.” He looked towards Mr. Zimmer. “Hello, sir; my name is Johnathan.”
He smiled at Mr. Zimmer with an extended hand. “I am Harrison Zimmer. Sarah’s father.”
“Oh, Mr. Zimmer. I am completely sorry for your loss. Sarah was a good girl, and she will be missed a lot.”
“Thank you, Johnathan.”
The rain crashed into the roof in the middle of our silence. Finally, I spoke up, “Well, I guess we should go in and find a seat.”
“Caroline, how about you come up front with me? You and your boyfriend.”
“Um,” I said, interrupting him, “Johnathan is just my friend… and no, we couldn’t sit up front. I mean, that area is reserved for family.”
“Nonsense, Caroline. I won’t hear any of that. You’ve been like family to her ever since you two were young tikes in kindergarten. You belong up there just as much as I do. Come on,” he said, ushering me to follow him.
I looked at Johnathan as he put his hands up. “No, no, you go ahead. You have a reason to go sit up front with the family. I would feel like a fraud if I accompanied you. Go ahead. Just meet me out back once the service is over.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. Go ahead.”
He smiled, and with that, I followed Mr. Zimmer into the sanctuary. Various people sat in the pews, watching us as we walked to the front of the church. I recognized a lot of the faces. Some of them were students and friends at ASU; others were professors and counselors. Sarah didn’t have much family out here, but what she lacked with blood, she made up for with friendships. She was one of the most popular girls in school, and it was that way for as long as I could remember.
She was outgoing and never had a problem meeting new people. I was a bit more apprehensive with new relationships, and that explained why I was dragging my feet with Johnathan. As we walked down the middle aisle of the church, I could feel my legs turning to jelly. As my eyes fell onto the casket, I froze in my steps. It was like I had stepped in wet cement, and it hardened in a matter of moments. My breathing intensified as the reality of Sarah’s death sunk in further. I braced myself on the end of one of the pews as a sharp pain penetrated my chest.
Mr. Zimmer spun around and saw me struggling to take another step, and before anyone else could help, he grabbed my arm and pulled me closer to him. My head rested on his hardened chest as I used him for support to walk down the rest of the aisle. “Everything is going to be alright,” he said confidently as we got to our seats in the front.
I wiped tears from my eyes and nodded my head. I couldn’t speak because I knew that nothing but cries would fall out of my mouth in the place of words. We sat down in the front pew, and he kept his arm draped around me like a blanket as I struggled to look at the casket. I knew her lifeless body was lying in there, and the thought of this moment being the last time I saw her body would be too much to bear. I was thankful that Mr. Zimmer was here for me, though. I wouldn’t have been able to show this much vulnerability if Johnathan was beside me. There was something about Mr. Zimmer that allowed me to relax and not worry about anything else. I hadn’t felt anything like this in years. I glanced towards the back of the sanctuary and made eye contact with Johnathan. His scowl quickly transitioned to a smile once he noticed I was looking his way.
Chapter Seven
Harrison
Caroline sat next to me, barely able to control her emotions as the service went on. I knew that she might have been a tad bit more emotional than I, especially when I saw how she reacted walking down the aisle. That was alright, though. I knew their bond was strong ever since they became friends in kindergarten. Sarah would always come home and tell me about her best frien
d, Caroline. I thought it would be a good idea to culture that friendship, especially since she didn’t have family around, so I kept her in the same school district with Caroline.
Even when we moved further away, Caroline’s parents allowed me to use their address so that she could stay enrolled at the same school. I didn’t build a strong friendship with her parents because I kept to myself, but her relationship with Sarah flourished. As they grew, Sarah had gotten Caroline into trouble a few times because of how outgoing she was. My daughter was a risk-taker. She would take chances and then apologize later if things got out of hand. That’s the way she lived her life, and it was something that I garnered from her as we both grew.
As the minister went forth with the eulogy, I kept a brazen look on my face. I kept telling myself that my daughter was no longer in the casket and now, she lived in my heart. That was the only way I could cope with the amount of emotion that traveled through the building like strong hurricane winds. From the corner of my eyes, I could see Caroline glance at me from time to time. Every now and then, we would make eye contact, and the emptiness that Sarah left in both of our souls would connect.
It was an awkward warmth that flowed through my veins like heroin, pricking my senses in places that have never been felt until now. She reached across my lap and slipped her hand into mine. I looked down, watching her fingers slowly interlock with mine. It took me a few moments to embrace her show of comfort, but I finally allowed my hand to contract around hers. She was there for support, and right now, we were two crutches helping one person walk through life, leaning on each other for assistance when we felt too weak to carry on.
As the minister finished the service for my daughter, we traveled to the gravesite together. Caroline objected to my offer at first, but after a little encouragement, she decided to come along. The car ride was quiet as we both dealt with our loss in different ways. Tears streamed from her eyes like a river. She reached into her purse for Kleenex, and once I saw that she was out, I grabbed the box that sat next to me in the back seat.