by Naomi Niles
“Here,” I said, extending the box towards her.
She smiled as much as her pain would allow. “Thank you, Mr. Zimmer. I just… I can’t stop crying, and I don’t know if that is a good thing or a bad thing.”
I scooted closer to her. “It’s alright, Caroline. And please, just call me Harrison. ‘Mr. Zimmer’ makes me feel like I am much older than I care to be.”
“Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Zim–, um, I mean, Harrison. I just wanted to be respectful.”
“It’s fine. I understand.”
She wiped her eyes, then took a deep breath to calm herself down. “I don’t know how you do it. Like, I’m sitting here bawling like a baby, and I haven’t seen you drop one tear since the funeral started. I wish I could be as strong as you, but I can’t.” She dipped her face into her hands like they were a washbowl. “That was my sister. The only sister I had, and now, she is gone. She is gone.”
I put my arm around her and patted her on her shoulder. “Yeah, I understand. I am breaking apart inside, and I know that one of these days, I will cry and I will cry a lot. Right now, though, it doesn’t seem real to me. Things seem incomplete, and I don’t know. I guess my brain just hasn’t processed the truth yet.”
“Yeah,” she wiped her eyes again as we drew closer to the graveyard. “I had that same issue this morning. I thought if I didn’t show up that everything would just go away. Like, I would wake up from this horrible nightmare with Sarah standing over me, ready to douse me with water like she always did.” She smiled as if recalling the times that my daughter woke her up with a prank.
“Yup, that was my Sarah. Always joking around and whatnot. I’ll miss that. I will miss that a lot.”
We rode in silence for the rest of the journey with my arm around her shoulders. I didn’t feel as though she was my daughter. I felt as though that she was a friend helping me through a tough time. We arrived at the gravesite as the clouds above remained thick, but the rain stopped just as we did. “Well,” I said, “this is the last part of the mountain to climb. The rest is downhill from here. Are you ready?”
She wiped her eyes again and stifled her cries long enough to answer me with a clear voice. “Yes.”
I opened the door for her, and we walked to the burial site. The minister said the last words as we waited, and before long, they lowered her casket into the grave. Caroline tucked her head into my chest and cried out loud as she went further into the ground. I put my hand on the back of her head. “Shhh, it’s going to be alright. It’s going to be alright.”
I hoped it would, but I didn’t want to imagine how I was going to react once the reality sunk into my mind. After the service, I could see her friend waiting for her near the back of the crowd. When I looked back at her, she apologized. “I’m sorry for crying on your shoulder so much, but, I just want to thank you for being there for me. I’m not sure how I would’ve made it if I didn’t have a shoulder to cry on.”
“We all need that from time to time. I’m just sorry that we both had to go through this. I didn’t expect to bury her. I expected her to bury me.” She exhaled. Her breath fluttered into the air like a spirit before it disappeared before my eyes. “I just have to figure out how I am going to clean out her room. I mean, I know how to do it, but…” I looked away from her. “I don’t know.”
“I can help you. I mean, if you need help. Not saying that you do, but… you know… just in case you need that shoulder there. I can be that for you. I feel like I owe you.”
“No, you don’t owe me. You don’t owe me a thing, but I wouldn’t mind the help if you have the time. I don’t know when I am going to do it, but I guess when I build up the courage, I will go ahead and get it done.”
She quickly grabbed her phone out of her purse, “Anytime. Anytime you are ready, just call me. What is your number? I’ll call you now just so you have it.” I gave her my number as her friend waited by himself just beyond where we stood. “Alright. Now, we have each other’s number. Whenever you are ready, just call me. Or, even if you need to talk or something. I don’t know, you don’t seem like the type who would call someone just to talk, but I just wanted you to know that I am here for you, Harrison. Anytime you need me.”
I knew that she was just being friendly because of the situation we found ourselves in together, but I couldn’t help but feel drawn to her. Yes, she was attractive, but there was something else to it, and right then, I couldn’t tell if it was my vulnerability. The fact that she was so close to my daughter that it made me feel like a part of her was still here. Maybe it was none of that at all. Either way, there was a flicker between us, and right now, I couldn’t explain it.
“Alright. I will give you a call once I get ready. You take care of yourself, Caroline.”
“You too, Harrison.”
She scooted in closer for a hug, and as we embraced, I kissed the top of her head. Her embrace tightened as we stood alone near the burial site. A brisk wind blew against our bodies and sent her hair fluttering in the breeze as if it were waving goodbye. As it fluttered, I caught eye contact with her friend. He stood in the back with his arms folded across his chest, and at that moment, I realized we held each other much longer than I anticipated.
I released her, and she had the same dazed look on her face that I imagined mirrored mine. “Um,” she sputtered out, “call me. If you need to.”
“I will.”
I watched her walk away, holding her elbows in each hand, as her friend waited for her to approach him. He put his arm around her, and the both of them walked to his car. I watched them get inside and drive away down the winding path until the exited the graveyard. A few more people spoke their condolences to me as I stood near the grave plot. I was the last one to leave, and even then, I still did not shed a tear.
One Month Later
I told Brian that I was going to come in late today because I needed to run a few errands this morning. After I poured my cup and got dressed, I heard my doorbell ring. I wasn’t expecting company, but it wasn’t unusual for the UPS guy to drop off a package here and there. I opened the door, and immediately, I felt the blood rush to my face. My eyes lowered as bridled rage began to rise in my chest. She stood on the other side of the door with dark shades covering her eyes. Her hair was curled and hung freely down the sides of her head. A designer purse was clenched in her arm as she removed her shades. “Can I come in?”
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
She sighed. “Harrison, really? I’ve been trying to contact you ever since I heard of Sarah’s death, but your phone was always disconnected.”
“Disconnected? Bullshit. My phone was never disconnected.”
“Well, I may have had the wrong number. Anyways, can I come in?”
I blocked her entry into my home, “No! Are you kidding me? You waltz out of me and Sarah’s life after 20 some-odd years and then show up like everything is alright? Really?”
“I told you why I left, Harrison. I just… I had to. Everything was bringing me down, you know? I couldn’t balance motherhood and womanhood at the same time. I couldn’t.”
“So, you just fucking leave, right? You just dump all of your issues and start over like… like life is some fucking video game that you can press reset on? Huh?”
“Look, Harrison,” she adjusted the purse on her arm. “I know that I have done some messed up things in the past, but my counselor told me that it was best if I came to you and tried to clear some things up. She said it would help me cope with everything, so that is what I am doing.”
“How the hell did you even find my home?”
She chuckled. “Um, the internet makes things very easy to find. All you have to know how to do is hit a search on Google and then, presto,” she snapped her fingers, “it’ll show up just like that. You’ll be amazed at what you can find when you know how to search for it.”
I couldn’t believe she had the audacity to show up at my home after everything Sarah and I had been through since she lef
t. To make things worse, she went on as if I was going to accept her back with no qualms. I didn’t know what she came here for, but I was milliseconds away from hurting her. “You need to leave. Now.”
“Harrison, come on. We all make mistakes, but–”
“You don’t make a 20-year mistake. That is unheard of! I don’t know what you want or why you came here, but honestly, you’ve just wasted your time. Don’t come back here, and if it even crosses your mind, I want you to smack yourself back to reality. I want nothing to do with you. Get the fuck off my porch.”
I closed the door in her face and watched her through the window. She stood still for a few seconds, then wiped her eyes as if she was brushing tears. She made as if she was going to ring the doorbell again, but thought twice about it before she turned to walk away. All the feelings I had when she left had rushed back into my heart. The abandonment. The loneliness. The way I felt that all of my walls had crashed in on me. It was one of the reasons that I was afraid to commit, and if I was honest with myself, I would understand that it was the primary reason. I didn’t want to settle down because I always felt like the woman would up and leave at the drop of a dime and leave me hopeless again.
I didn’t want to experience that, but with Caroline, I didn’t get those vibes. With her, I felt that I was secure. After I ran my errands, I then headed to work. It was almost 12 pm when I showed up. As soon as I parked, I noticed that the lawn was unkempt. The edges of the bushes were much frizzier than usual, and at that point, I knew the guys that usually tended to our lawn didn’t show up.
I stood in my office, gathering my things on the way out. “Boss,” Brian said, walking in, “we got another big close tomorrow! Are you down to come with me? It is the Berman account. Just when I thought we couldn’t do any better, we do better.” A wide smile was plastered on his face as grabbed a drink out of the fridge.
“Tomorrow? I don’t know if I can make it. I am going to ASU’s graduation tomorrow. You know they are going to say Sarah’s name.”
“Right, right. Wow. Sorry, boss, I completely forgot about that. I can reschedule the meeting if you want me to come with you.”
“No,” I said, grabbing my briefcase. “No, you go ahead and handle that. I’ll be fine.”
“You sure?”
I extended my fist to him for a pound. “I am positive. Close that, man. You don’t need my help. You were born for this stuff.”
He knocked his fist into mine, then I headed home. Sarah’s room was still intact. I wasn’t ready to move anything. Her clothing still hung in the closet. Her bed was made up without a crevice on it anywhere. Her pictures were dusted, and all of her athletic trophies and honor roll papers from high school were still positioned on the dresser and hanging proudly on the walls.
I walked around the room, inhaling deeply before I released the air from my lungs. It had been over a month since we had one of our morning talks. I kept all of her voicemails saved on my phone, and whenever I wanted to hear her voice again, I grabbed my phone and flipped through my inbox until I landed on her name. I put the phone on speaker, then sat it on her desk.
“Hey, Dad! I know you aren’t doing anything but sleeping on the couch because it is 9 pm and that is what old farts do! Anyways, Daddy, I need $400 for a course, and I am short. Can you please send me the money?! Like, yesterday?! Oh, and an extra $200 just for being the most awesomest daughter in the world?! Please?! Oh, and another thing, Caroline has a crush on you. I threaten her every time she mentions it. She thinks you’re hot, but she is clearly delusional.”
I laughed a little bit as she continued. “I mean, if she were older, I think I wouldn’t mind you two hooking up because she seems like an old fart just like you. Ugh, she never likes to do anything anymore except study! Anyways, I love you and I’ll ummm….. I guess I will talk to you tomorrow morning. Um, don’t forget. Send your sweet, nearly magna cum laude daughter $600 and I love you!”
The call ended, and for the first time, I found myself kneeled in her room as tears streamed down my eyes like two broken cisterns full of water. I missed her. I missed her more than ever.
Chapter Eight
Caroline
I grabbed my graduation cap and stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I fought back the tears all day, and lost the battle as my reddened eyes shone brightly like a star in the midst of a dark sky. For years, I imagined this day would be full of excitement as I turned a new chapter in my life, but now, it was full of remorse and broken hearts because my best friend wasn’t crossing the stage with me. It wasn’t supposed to be like this, Sarah. We were supposed to be doing this together!
I balled my hand into a fist and slammed it onto the counter as I stood in the bathroom. The booming sound it made echoed in the small room just as Meghan opened the door. We had been friends since my sophomore year in college, and we were good friends, but she couldn’t take the place of Sarah. As soon as she stepped into the bathroom, she locked the door and wrapped her arms around me.
I embraced her and cried on her shoulder. “Why, Meghan? Why did she have to leave? We were so close to the end. We were so close, and now, she is gone.”
“I know, Caroline, I know. She is still here, though, just not physically. She is looking down on you and me right now, wanting us to cross this stage. She is in a better place, and she just wants us to complete what we came here to do. We are not walking across the stage for ourselves anymore; we are walking for Sarah.”
Just then, there was a knock on the bathroom door. “Open up, I have to piss!”
“Wait a minute!” Meghan snapped, “we will be out in a second!”
“I have to piss now!”
“I don’t give a fuck what you have to do! I said wait, goddamn it!” One sole pound banged against the door, and moments later, sheer silence. “People are so impatient. So what, I locked a public bathroom. Once I knew you were in here, I knew that we would need some time alone without any interruptions.”
I laughed, then brought tissue to my eyes to clear the tears. She stopped me before I could reach. “Hold on. Don’t drag the tissue, dab it. Otherwise, you’ll smear your makeup.”
“I’m sure my tears have already smeared it.”
“No,” she said, analyzing my face. “No, it’s not bad at all. You must have some good makeup.” She took tissue from my hand and dabbed the area beneath my eyes. “There you go. Good as new. Here,” she handed me a fresh handful of tissue, “take that and dab whenever you need it, OK? Listen, I know this is hard for you. It’s hard for me, too, but I know it is especially hard for you. I’ll be with you every step of the way, alright?”
“Thank you, Meghan. That really means a lot to me.”
“No problem, sweetie. Now, whenever you are ready, we can go on out. We still have a few minutes before we have to be in line, so take as much of that time as you need.”
“No,” I said after a deep exhale. “Let’s just go. I’m ready.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.”
As we exited the bathroom, Johnathan sent me a text message. He said how happy he was that I made it to graduation. We had gotten a little closer in the past month, but I still wasn’t ready to commit. I could tell he was growing impatient, but a new relationship was the last thing I was focused on. Meghan said I should just cut him loose because he won’t get the hint any other way, but I wasn’t ready. Not just yet, anyway.
I responded to him, then slid my phone back into my bra and got in line with the rest of the students. The dean organized a special memorial for Sarah before the graduation ceremony began, and I knew that I would be a complete wreck at that moment. A few minutes later, the line started to move, and before long, we walked into an auditorium full of people. I thought about my father and how happy he would have been to see me walk across the stage.
My mother passed away when I was 18, and I didn’t have much family outside of an uncle and auntie who were both without children. Caroline filled the ga
ps in my life in more ways than one, and now, she was gone, and I still had a hard time accepting that fact. After we all marched into the room and took our seats, the master of ceremonies welcomed everyone in the audience, and then he went right into Sarah’s memorial.
They showed a few pictures of her in her younger days. I was in a few of the snapshots, and it sent me down memory lane as the slide show continued on for about 30 seconds. Afterward, they called her father up to accept her diploma on her behalf. Everyone stood to their feet, applauding him as he walked across the stage and shook the dean's hand. I’m sure half of the women in the auditorium were clapping because of how handsome he was.
I told Sarah that I had a crush on him when we were younger, and she would always threaten me by saying she was going to tell him. I didn’t think she was bluffing, and a part of me wanted her to mention it to him just to see what he would say. He was nearly twice my age, though, and the thought of anything developing between us was so far out of my imagination that I couldn’t picture it. He smiled as he shook the dean’s hand, then made his way off the stage.
I was surprised that I made it through the small memorial without shedding a tear, and when it was over, the service moved forward swiftly. As they motioned for our section to stand and line up to walk across the stage, my heart thumped inside of my chest. I saw other student waving to their family members as they stood in line, but all I could do was smile and look ahead. I knew that there were only a few people there for me. I saw Johnathan as he sat next to Bradley towards the middle of the room.
I smiled and waved at him as our line moved forward. The dean called out names as thunderous applause filled the room like the sound of rushing wind. I dreaded hearing my name called because I knew that there would be hardly any claps for me. I invited my aunt and uncle, but they were up in age, and I knew it would be a stretch for them to make it out. Most of my friends were in my graduating class, and the handful of people that were there for me would most likely get drowned out by the other noise in the room.