by Naomi Niles
I forced a smile onto my face and opened the door. “Hey, Johnathan. Those are for me?”
“Of course, but as always, they pale in comparison to someone as beautiful as you.”
I grabbed hold of them and inhaled the rosy fragrance. I concealed tears as I thought about the last time I had smelled a rose, moments before I dropped it on Sarah’s casket. I immediately placed the flowers down on a table near the front door as Johnathan stood on the other side, waiting for me to invite him in. I didn’t want to, but common courtesy got the best of me. “Do you want to come in?”
He smiled. “Sure.” As he walked by me, I shook my head, praying that he wouldn’t stay long.
“So, what brings you by?”
“Well,” he said, taking a seat on the couch. “I just wanted to check on you, you know? See how things were. I know that I call, but sometimes, you just need to see someone face-to-face to get a better idea of how they really feel. A lot can be concealed through a phone call.”
I remained standing, hoping that he would get the idea that I wasn’t expecting him to stay long. “Yeah, that is true. But, Johnathan, I would have preferred if you called me first, you know? I mean, it is kind of early, and I was still asleep,” I pointed to the covers on the couch, “as you can see.”
He looked at the covers. “Oh, I am sorry. I didn’t think you would be sleeping this late.”
“Yeah. I think I may be starting a new job pretty soon, so I wanted to sleep in as much as I could before the real world set in.”
“A new job? Nice! Where at?”
I folded my arms over my chest and leaned against the wall. “With Sarah’s dad. Harrison Construction, I believe. Don’t quote me though, because I don’t remember offhand.”
He laughed. “You don’t remember the name of your employer?”
“Not really. I just know it as Sarah’s dad’s company.”
“I see.” He twiddled his thumbs. “I thought you were moving to California.”
“I am. But, you know… after everything had happened with Sarah, I had to adjust some things. She was going to be my roommate, and California is expensive, so I can’t go out there on my own. Not just yet, anyway. So, I figured I’d stay here and save up a little money, then head out there.”
“Good plan.” I smiled and tapped my fingers on my arm. I didn’t want to say anything else, because he may get the idea that I wanted to prolong the conversation. Just then, my phone rang again. He looked at it. “Do you want to answer?” he said. “I can toss it to you.”
“Who is it?”
“Harrison.”
“Oh, no. I’ll call him back later. He probably just wants to discuss something else about the business.” I knew that Johnathan didn’t know about my attraction to Harrison and I wanted to keep it that way. The last thing I needed was for him to find out, because from there, I’m sure my business would be all over ASU and everywhere else. He wasn’t one who could keep a secret. After the phone had stopped ringing, a text message came through. Johnathan looked at the face of my phone, and from there, his countenance fell. “What is it?” I asked, nervously.
He stood up. “Um, none of my business. I’m going to head out, though.”
I stood upright from the wall as he approached the door. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” he said with a broken smile. “Nothing. You just have a nice day, and I hope you feel better.”
He walked out of my apartment and closed the door behind him. I scratched my head and walked to the couch to grab my phone. Harrison left a text message stating how excited he was about our dinner date tomorrow. I tossed the phone onto the couch. Great, I said as I looked towards the door. Just great. I crawled under the covers and thought about the backlash of what could happen if Johnathan opened his mouth. Before I knew it, I was fast asleep.
I woke up to an obnoxious ring on my cell phone. I swiped at it a few times before I was finally able to pick it up in my hands. “Hello?” My voice was thick and groggy like morning fog.
“Caroline? Oh my God, girl, are you still asleep? It is almost 2 pm!”
“Two pm? I woke up early this morning and went back to sleep.”
“Well, get up and hop in the shower because I know you need it, and then get dressed so we can go to dinner.”
“Dinner? Meghan, I don’t have money for dinner.”
“I didn’t ask you if you had money, I said get up and get ready. I am moving to Seattle in a week, and I came to Cottonwood to see my family before I left and I include you in that group, so get your shit together so we can go!”
“Fiiiine,” I said, kicking the covers onto the floor. “What time are you going to be here?”
“I’ll be there around 8 pm. I have to run some errands with my auntie, but I’ll be free after that.”
“OK.”
I hung up the phone and got in the shower. I was surprised that I didn’t hear anything from Johnathan, or that some random person from ASU didn’t call me to ask about my relationship with Harrison. I wasn’t prepared to answer those questions, let alone explain why I was going on a dinner date with him tomorrow. Even though it was strictly business in my mind, it wasn’t going to stop anyone from jumping to conclusions. As the water cascaded down my body, I thought about Harrison. The warmth of the shower was replaced with the warmth of his touch, and before long, I was fantasizing about things that I knew would never happen between us.
I laughed when I heard Sarah’s voice in my head telling me how nasty and inappropriate I was. “Oh, shut up, Sarah. A girl can dream, can’t she?” I spoke to her out loud as if she was in the room with me. It was one of the ways I coped with her death. I felt like she was always around, and because of that, I spoke to her like I would any other time. I didn’t have a hard time hearing her voice respond in a way that I knew she would have. We were best friends for our whole lives, so I knew her inside and out. As I thought about her, tears mingled with the water inside the shower. No matter how strong my imagination was, Sarah was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. Harrison felt like the only tangible connection I had to her, and in him, I found comfort. Even though I knew he wasn’t interested in me, or even looked at me in the same light that I viewed him, just the fact that we were around each other made things easier for me.
After I had gotten out of the shower, I got myself ready to go, and before long, the clock dipped past 8 o’clock. Almost 15 minutes later, Meghan called my phone to let me know that she was outside. We went to a seafood restaurant 20 minutes away from my apartment in downtown Cottonwood. I laughed as soon as we got there because of the memory I had with Sarah. “It happened right there,” I said, pointing to a collection of bushes near the front door. “Sarah threw up her soul right there. It was soooo disgusting. The vomit covered the bushes like Christmas decorations, and she had it all over her clothing.”
“Ew,” Meghan said as she turned off the engine. “That is soooo nasty! Why did she throw up so much?”
“Because that girl drank more than she ate that night. I tried to get her to slow down, but you know how Sarah is. Once she starts, she won’t stop until she throws up.”
“Yeah,” Meghan responded as she reminisced. “That was her. She was the definition of ‘girls gone wild.'”
“Absolutely.”
We waited for a few minutes, basking in memories before we went inside the restaurant. The waiter led us to our table and smiled flirtatiously at both of us before he walked off. “Did you see how he looked at you?” Meghan asked while she hung her purse on the back of her seat. “He looked at you like you were his entrée.”
“No, he didn’t. I believe he was looking at you.”
“He can look, but don’t touch. I am headed to Seattle, and I am not doing any long-distance relationships.” She grabbed the menu. “Oh, and that reminds me. How are things with you and Johnathan?”
I moved my purse to the side, “Things between me and Johnathan? There is nothing
going on between us. At all. Nothing. And there never will be.”
“Why not, Caroline? He is a good guy!”
“Yeah, he is good… but just not good for me. Besides, I will be moving soon anyway, so that wouldn’t do anything but put a strain on our relationship, so that is a definite no for me.”
“When are you moving?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe six months? Just long enough for me to save some money, so I won’t go out there and then have to bring my ass right back because I am homeless.”
“Are you working?”
“Yeah.” I grabbed the menu. “I am doing some accounting work for Sarah’s father.”
She dropped the menu and smirked at me. “The sexy-ass DILF?”
“DILF?”
“Dad I would like to fuck.”
I laughed. “Um,” my attention shifted away from her. “If that’s what you think about him.”
“Me? Girl, so do you. You’re not going to act like you weren’t drooling over the man whenever he came around. Hell, Sarah told me that you wanted to jump his bones.”
“What!” I said, with my mouth hanging open. “She told you that!?”
“Yes! But it is OK, though, because I told her I did, too.” We laughed together about our similar taste. The fact is that Harrison was a hunk to every woman, regardless of age. I’d seen women in their 40s and 50s look at Harrison the same way a woman our age would. “But um, word to the wise, I’d be careful if I were you. I mean, I know we joked about it before, but things are different now. Sarah is gone, and I don’t think that line should be crossed. Not saying that the opportunity to cross it will be there, but just in case, you know? Tread softly.”
“I’m not worried about that because Harrison is not into me. I know that for a fact because when he showed me around his office, he was trying to hook me up with one of his construction workers. So, yeah, I know that I am either far too young for him or just not his type… but, the thought DID cross my mind once or twice.”
She laughed. “I know it did, because the thought would have run laps around my mind by now. But, just be careful, alright?”
“Alright.”
I thought about what she said. I knew there wasn’t a chance that we would ever cross that line, but I couldn’t help but imagine what things would be like if we did. Just then, I heard Sarah’s voice in my head. “Stop it, you nasty little skank!” I stifled my laugh just as the waitress came to our table to collect our orders. A girl can dream, can’t she?
Chapter 13
HARRISON
I laid in my bed all night. Every time I tried to drift to sleep, Sarah’s voice shot my eyes wide open as if she was standing in my room. It had become harder to sleep as the days went by, and I thought it would be the opposite. I figured that time would heal all wounds, but right now, it seemed to be making things worse. I laid on my back, facing the ceiling, as minutes dragged by like hours. It was 11 pm when I crawled into the bed, and after five hours of tossing and turning, I still hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep. I flipped the covers off, slid into my house shoes, and made my way down the stairs. The only relief that I could count on was the fact that I was going to see Caroline later today. Being around her seemed to provide the temporary escape that I needed from the pain of Sarah’s death.
The house was bone silent, but I was used to that. Sarah had been away at college for the past five years, so outside of the midnight rendezvous I shared with various women, the quietness put me at home. I flipped on the kitchen light and went to the coffee machine. I knew I wasn’t going to sleep at all for the rest of the night, so I figured I’d get up and get some work done around the house. I strolled down the hallway and stopped at Sarah’s room. The peacefulness met me at the door as I walked inside. The moonlight shone through her window like a luminous glare as I stood near her dresser. I grabbed my phone and flipped to another one of her voicemails, then sat on her bed as I pressed Play.
“Dad, I just want to tell you that I love you… and I just got another A on my business paper. Yeah, I am something of a genius, so I want to thank you for your genes. Not jeans, Dad, genes. I know you are kind of slow sometimes, so I wanted to make sure you understood.” I chuckled. “Anyways, just calling to tell you that… and also, that I appreciate everything you have done for me. I don’t know how you do it, and sometimes, I think that you are like a magician or something. Even at times when I felt like we weren’t going to make it, we always did. We always did. I learned a lot from you, Dad, and I appreciate you. I love you. Talk to you later.”
I wiped a tear from my eye as the voicemail came to an end. There was nothing I could do to bring her back, and as much as she appreciated me as her father, I felt like I failed her. If I was as good of a man as she said I was, then she would still be alive today. I would have done more to make sure she didn’t die in a careless accident the way she did. I would have buckled down a little more and told her how important it was not to drink and drive or be around people that participated in that kind of reckless behavior. I spoiled her, though, and because of that, she got away with a lot of things that I should have corrected. I hated myself for the way I raised her, and in the end, I blamed myself. That was something I was going to take to my grave and never find forgiveness for. I didn’t deserve it.
My fist balled up, but before I could cause any destruction to her room, I removed myself. As soon as I got into the hallway, I punched the wall. It wasn’t drywall, so it didn’t give an inch when my fist crashed into it. I pulled back and threw another and another until my knuckle was bloodied and bruised. My back hit the adjacent wall, and I slid down to the floor, crying, with my head buried in the cup of my hands. It was my fault, and outside of my own death, there would be no atonement for my carelessness. I lost track of time as I sat on the floor. My fist throbbed, and a sharp pain penetrated my knuckles in five-second intervals. It felt like something was broken at worst, fractured at best, but I didn’t care. I deserved far worse than that.
I pushed myself up from the floor and headed into the bathroom. The sunlight was just beginning to peek through the horizon. I searched through the cabinets until I found a bandage to wrap my hand in. The pain was a small substitute for the emotional turmoil I felt after the death of my daughter. I pushed small bottles out of the way until I grabbed the ibuprofen. I placed them into my pocket after I decided to endure the pain that radiated through my hand. It was puffed up around my knuckles, but I could move it, so I knew it wasn’t broken. It may not have been fractured, either, but I was no doctor, and I didn’t plan on going for something I felt was minor.
I absorbed the pain, then went into the kitchen with a bandaged hand and poured another cup of coffee. For the time being, my hand was out of commission, but I had already taken the day off from work, so I didn’t have to worry about trying to use it. With one hand, I made a small breakfast; toast, eggs, and bacon. It was something that Sarah would’ve ridiculed me for. I laughed to myself as I thought about one of her remarks. “That is old man food. You may as well be in a nursing home right now. As a matter of fact, just let me make a phone call so I can get your room before someone takes it.”
She always made jokes about my age, but I didn’t mind, because the majority of her friends had crushes on me. She didn’t have to tell me, but I knew from the way they looked at me. It was one of the things that kept me young. My mind shifted to Caroline. I couldn’t wait to see her later on that day just so I could relieve some of the emotional pain I felt from Sarah’s death. As I sat at the kitchen table, drifting off into space, time flew by like seconds, and before I knew it, the clock brushed past 11 am. I dozed off for a few moments, but the pain from my hand shocked me back to consciousness before I could sleep long.
I finally swallowed a couple of ibuprofen to curve the pain. and no sooner than that, I received a phone call from Caroline. “Hello?”
“Hi. I know it is early, but I was just wondering if I could come by a little earlier. I wanted
to talk to you about the job…”
“Oh,” I looked at the time. We were scheduled to meet later that evening, but since I didn’t have anything else to do that day, I invited her over. “Sure, I don’t see why not. I’m off today, and I’ve got nothing else going on, so yeah, that is fine. What time were you thinking?”
“Maybe 1 pm? I don’t know. Is that too early?”
“No, that is fine. Come on over. As long as it doesn’t count towards our dinner date tonight?”
“Oh, no. It doesn’t have to.”
“Good. Well, I guess I’ll see you in a couple of hours.”
“Alright. Thank you, Harrison.”
“My pleasure.”
My hand throbbed as soon as I hung up the phone. It was amazing how her voice made me forget how much pain I was in physically, and emotionally. I placed my phone on the table, then headed upstairs to take a shower. Caroline showed up about 15 minutes past 1 pm. She rang the doorbell, and as soon as I opened for her, her eyes went straight to my hand. “Wow. What happened to your hand?”
“Oh, I just um, I injured it a little bit doing some work. It is nothing major. I think I just sprained my, um, knuckles or something.”
She wrinkled her brow. “Sprained your knuckles? I’ve never heard of that before.”
I invited her in and closed the door behind her. “Well, I’m not a doctor, so that is just my amateur diagnosis. I don’t believe that it is anything serious. Just a little bruising and some pain, but nothing I can’t handle.”
“Alright.” A smile flashed across her face; then she extended her arms for a hug. I embraced her tight. Her warmth inhaled the pain from my soul, and for the first time in days, I felt relaxed. Her curly hair smelled like wintergreen peppermint as her breasts pressed firmly against my chest. I knew that we held on much longer than we should have, but I couldn’t escape the solace she provided. I wanted it to bask in like sunshine on a hot summer day. Finally, she detached from my grasp. “Good to see you, Harrison.”