by Naomi Niles
“Harrison has?” I asked, quizzically. “So, he is sick?”
“You haven’t spoken with him?”
“Um,” I said as I stood near the elevator. “No. I’ve been busy all day, so I really haven’t had the chance to respond to him. What did he say?”
“He just said he had some kind of stomach bug and he would be in tomorrow. No biggie. All is well.”
“Oh. OK. That… that is good to know. Well, you have a good evening, Brian. I guess I will see you tomorrow.”
I got on the elevator and headed downstairs. As soon as I got into my car, I burst into tears. I messed things up between me and Harrison. I had been calling him all day, and he didn’t respond, but it seemed that he didn’t hesitate to call Brian back and let him know what was wrong. I thought about heading to his house just so we could talk, but I was scared that he would yell and curse at me again and tell me to get out of his house. I didn’t want to chance it. I knew I wouldn’t be able to take another verbal assault like that without breaking down in front of him.
I dried my eyes, then drove out of the parking lot to head home. As soon as I got there, I flopped onto the couch. My tears blurred everything in front of me, and a few minutes later, I grabbed my phone to give Meghan a call. “Hello?”
“Hey, Caroline! I was just thinking about you, girl. How are you doing?” I sniffled. I was barely able to get a word out without crying. “Whoa, whoa,” she interjected, “what’s wrong, Caroline? What is it? Did Johnathan do something again? I told him that he better apologize unless he wanted me to spread rumors about his little dick.”
“No,” I said, clearing my voice. “No. It’s not him. It’s Harrison.”
“Oh. Well, what happened?”
I told her what I did to Sarah’s room and what Harrison said to me after everything happened. I was still hurt by it, and as of right now, it didn’t seem like things were going to get any better. “He hates me, Meghan. He hates me, and things were going so good between us. Why did I have to be so stupid?! Why did I have to touch Sarah’s things?”
“OK, Caroline. I mean, it is not your fault. You did tell him that you would help him out, so you had good intentions, it just came out the wrong way.”
“I know. I was just trying to help, that’s it. But, he just blew up. Cursing at me and everything. I understand why he is upset, I just… I just wish there was something I could do to talk to him about it. He is ignoring my calls, not responding to my texts. I’m scared if I go to his house, he will just tell me to get out again. I don’t know what to do, Meghan. I’m lost.”
She sighed. “Well, Caroline, this is something that you are just going to have to wait out. Just give him some time to officially grieve. Give him that time to himself for now. I know he will come back around and speak to you again. I mean, the way you guys were connecting. The things you told me about him and how you two feel about each other, what you did shouldn’t be enough to just end all of that. It can’t be.”
“I hope not,” I said, wiping tears from my eyes. “I hope not, but right now, I have no idea what to expect.”
I sat on the phone with Meghan for the next hour as she helped me figure out what to do next with Harrison. A part of me reverted to how I felt about our relationship before I decided that we should be a couple. Like, Sarah’s death complicated things between us, and if I never crossed that line with him physically, then this situation would have been completely avoided. I started regretting that I’d gotten involved with him, especially since Sarah’s death had everything to do with our connection. “No, don’t think like that, Caroline. Listen, the way you guys connected is complicated, but I’m sure that what you two have is deeper than that. Like I said, just give him some time sort things out. He will come back around. I’m sure of it.”
I sighed. I wanted to believe her, but something inside of me wouldn’t allow it to click. She didn’t want me to think it was the end of our relationship, but for some reason, that is all I could think about. “Alright, Meghan. Thank you for listening. I’ll just give him some time like you suggested and see what happens.”
“That’s all you can do, Caroline. That’s all you can do. Call me and let me know how things go, OK? Stay strong, alright? It’s not over. Trust me. It’s not over.”
“Thank you.”
I hung up the phone, then grabbed one of the stuffed animals that Harrison bought for me and cuddled with it on the couch. My tears fell on the top of its head as I tucked it beneath my chin and laid down on the couch. My heart felt like it was shattered into a million different pieces as I laid down. Tears streamed relentlessly from my eyes. Each time I wiped them away, a fresh line reappeared. I kept my phone close to me just in case Harrison decided to call back, but as the hours went by, my phone didn’t ring at all. I should’ve never gotten involved with him; I said as I wiped tears from my cheeks. I repeated that over and over until I fell asleep on the couch.
Chapter Thirty-One
Harrison
By the time I looked at my watch, it was 2:49 am. I had been slowly removing things from Sarah’s box ever since Caroline put them away. Each picture was soaked in memories that no words could express. My baby girl was gone, and it wasn’t until now that the pain of her absence sunk into the depths of my heart. I grabbed a picture from the box. She kneeled beside a soccer ball with two long, frizzy pigtails hanging on each side of her head. I never knew what to do with her hair and every time I tried, it ended up looking like a mess.
I smiled as a silent tear rolled down my cheek. Her snaggle-toothed smile projected an innocence that depended on me to protect her. It was something that I had failed to do, and as I sat on her bedroom floor with my back against the wall, I couldn’t escape the torment. At times like this, I wished for Caroline to be by my side to help me through. Her smile always seemed as though it was enough to settle my emotions. Her touch absorbed my pain and turned it into happiness, but right now, the thought of her sent me over the edge. She didn’t have any right to touch her things.
I wiped a steady stream of tears from my eyes as I reached into the box and grabbed another picture. She was a little older this time around. Her glasses sat crooked on her face as she posed for her yearbook picture in sixth grade. She could never keep those things on straight, so I eventually purchased contact lenses to replace them. It was a struggle to get them in because she thought that they would puncture her eyeball. I laughed, thinking about the battles we had during the times I tried to get them into her eyes.
“Baby, hold still. It is not going to hurt, I promise.”
“Daddy! No! You’re going to poke me in the eye, and then I’ll go blind! No!”
“Sarah, please. You are not going to go blind. But I’ll tell you what, you will be blind if you don’t let me help you put these in.”
“Daddy, I will not!” She folded her arms over her chest, insistent on drawing a line in the sand. Her bottom lip poked out as she turned her head away from me.
I took a deep breath. “Alright, how about this. I’ll put one in my eye first just so you can see that there is nothing to be worried about. If I go first, then will you?” I slowly gained her attention, and before long, she eagerly waited for me to put one into my eye.
“OK.”
Damn it, I thought. She didn’t know it, but I was just as apprehensive about placing something into my eye as she was. I couldn’t let her see my fear, so I grabbed the solution to soak my eye, took a deep breath, then placed it in. I yelled silently in my mind, hoping that some freak accident didn’t occur in the process. Not only would it hurt me, but I knew that Sarah would never come within centimeters of another contact lens. After about a minute, I finally slid it in and blinked a few times. Everything around me cleared up, and it was at that moment that I realized I needed some type of viewing enhancement as well. “See, Sarah? Painless and good as new.”
She smiled as I continued. “Now I can see your pretty smile even better than before. So,” I grabbed the box an
d handed it to her, “can I help you put these in?”
“No.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “Sarah, come on, now. I thought we had a deal.”
“We do.” She took the box from my hand, “but, I want to do it on my own.” I smiled and watched her slide two lenses onto her pupils. She blinked a few times, and after that, she smiled. “You were right, Dad. It wasn’t that bad. I was worried for nothing.”
She put her arms around me, and from that point on, I knew she wouldn’t be afraid to tackle anything that came her way. I never once worried about her getting into a situation that she wouldn’t be able to see her way out of. I sat the picture on the ground and continued rummaging through the box, replacing items back in their original positions. Before I knew it, it was almost 7 am. I had a splitting headache, and I could feel the puffiness on my eyes from crying all night.
I finally got up from my spot in her room and headed into the kitchen. I turned on the coffee maker, then grabbed my phone to replay one of her messages. It was torture for me, but I deserved it. I deserved to feel the depths of the pain that came with her premature death. “Hey, Dad. I love you. That’s it. Oh, and can you transfer $500 to my account? I want to get some new shoes. Actually, two pairs. Maybe three. Now that I think of it, maybe you should put $700 in there and don’t tell me you don’t have it because you always do. Love you. Bye.”
The coffee machine sounded, so I went to grab a mug from the cabinet. “World’s greatest dad,” graced the front of the cup. Suddenly, I gripped hold of the coffee mug and chucked it against the wall. It shattered into thick shards, then fell to the floor. I didn’t deserve that mug. I was nowhere near, “the world’s greatest dad.” I couldn’t even keep my little girl safe. I couldn’t teach her what to avoid as she grew up. I didn’t do any of that, and now, because of my irresponsibility, she was dead. I grabbed one of the chairs next to the kitchen table and slammed it into the ground until the wood slivered.
She’s gone! She is fuckin’ gone, and it’s all my fault! I slid against the wall and fell to the floor in a cry of pain. She was gone, and there was nothing I could do to bring her back. It was just past 10 am when I realized how long I’d been sitting on the floor in the kitchen. I reached my hand to the counter and grabbed my cell phone so I could call in for work. I knew that Brian would think there was something wrong with me, especially since I never called in to work this late. When I looked at my phone, I realized that I had eight missed calls, and six of them were from Caroline.
I deleted all of her messages without listening to them, then landed on Brian’s. “Hey, boss. Just checkin’ on you, man. It is 10:14 and I know it is not like you to not call or anything if you’re not comin’ to work. So, just let me know which way is up. I just want to make sure you’re alright. Give me a call when you can, and if not, I’m just gonna come by your house and check to make sure everything is good. I spoke with Caroline and she said she left you yesterday, so I just want to make sure there is no funny business going on. Alright? Hopefully, I’ll talk to you soon.”
I sat with my phone in my hand, waiting to clear my sniffling before I gave him a call. Brian was a good friend, and outside of Caroline, I trusted him the most, but I didn’t want him to see or hear how broken I was. I had to keep up a strong exterior because I didn’t want those under me to see that I was a broken man. I cleared my throat as the phone rang. “Hello?”
“Brain. Hey, man, it’s Harrison.”
“Harrison. Jesus Christ, man, I was on my way over there with my shotgun. I didn’t know what was going on. Are you OK?”
“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. I just uh, I just overslept a bit. Had a late night, you know? I won’t be in today though. Hope I didn’t mess anything up for you.”
“What? No, boss, we are good here. I’m kind of surprised that you called in this late though. Are you sure you are OK?”
“I’m positive. I just need a day or so to recoup. I’ll be good tomorrow.”
“Alright. Oh, and before I forget, you may want to give Caroline a call. She is talking like she doesn’t know what is going on with you and I think she is starting to worry. I was shocked that she didn’t know what was going on with you this morning.”
My jawbones gyrated as soon as he mentioned her name. I didn’t want anything to do with her right now, but I played it cool on my end. “Oh, yeah. Like I said, I overslept. I saw her phone calls as well, but I’m gonna give her a ring a little later. I know she is probably swamped with work right now, but I just wanted you to get the heads up that I won’t be around today.”
“Gotcha. Well, take your time, boss. You know that I have everything under control over here. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
“Sure will.”
“OK.”
I hung up the phone, then rested my head against the wall. I wasn’t going to call Caroline now, or anytime soon. I pushed myself up, using the counter for support, then headed back to her room. My stomach growled like a hungry dog, but I couldn’t care less. My appetite was nonexistent, and as far as I was concerned, starving myself was something that I felt justified my irresponsibility as a father. I wiped the silent stream of tears from my eyes as I walked into her room. Half of her things were unpacked, but it didn’t feel the same as it did before Caroline took her things down.
The peacefulness that sat in the air was disrupted by furious, hurricane winds of discontentment. “Hey, Dad.” I spun around, thinking I heard her calling me from behind. A sharp pain sunk into my chest once I realized she wasn’t there. I grabbed my rib cage as I doubled over onto my knees. I winced in pain and placed my hand against the wall and just as the pain began to subside, another one shot through my body like a current of electricity. Through the pain, I looked at her box. Her pictures were piled on top of all the other items as another sharp pain pierced my chest.
I didn’t know what was going on. I had never had a heart attack or anything like it before, so I didn’t know what to expect. The bright sunlight slowly darkened around me. I clenched my chest as I fell onto my back, facing Sarah’s ceiling. I could hear my phone ringing faintly in the background. My breathing intensified as if I was struggling to hold onto it. “Daddy?” Sarah’s voice echoed in my mind once again, sending another sharp, piercing pain shooting through my body. I yelled out in pain as I held onto my chest. Nervous beads of sweat fell from my brow while I squirmed around on my back.
The phone that rang in the background finally stopped and a deafening silence flooded my home. I laid on the ground, terrified of what was going to happen next. I wasn’t ready to die, but if it happened, then so be it. I deserved it. Sarah deserved to hear my apology face to face, and as soon as I crossed over, that was going to be my first item of business. Seconds later, the pain subsided. I laid on my back, taking deep breaths to prepare myself for the next wave of pain. As the minutes passed, it never came. I laid there expecting more punishment, but all I got was another ringing echo from my cell phone.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Caroline
I got to work Tuesday morning, hoping to see Harrison at work. I hadn’t spoken to him since Sunday afternoon and he had ignored my phone calls and texts all day yesterday. I just wanted to talk to him and see how he was doing, but from the looks of it, he was still pissed off. I thought about calling Johnathan to see if I could get a male’s perspective, but I knew that would be a bad move. I arrived at work at 10:09 am. I didn’t see Harrison’s truck anywhere. I gave him a call as I sat in my car, but after one ring, I was sent right to voicemail. You know what? Just forget it. I know I messed up, but he is not even giving me a chance to explain. Forget him!
I got out of my car and slammed the door behind me, then made my way into the building. A few of the construction workers waved to me, but I didn’t even acknowledge them. As of right then, I hated men. All of them. Every size, shape, and color. I smashed the button on the elevator and folded my arms over my chest. The nerve of him. I lost my best friend, too! He is not
the only one who is hurting behind all of this! The elevator chimed as I found myself becoming incensed at the fact that Harrison was ignoring me. As soon as the elevator opened, Brian stood on the other side.
“Whoa. I was going to say good morning to you, but it looks like you are going to bite my head off if I did.” I walked onto the elevator and pressed the button for my floor. Brian didn’t move from the elevator as the doors closed. “So um, everything alright? Caroline?”
“Is Harrison here?”
“No. He called in again today. Something must be very wrong with him, though, because this is very unlike him. I mean, one day was bad enough, but two days? In a row? This is unheard of from a man like him.”
Suddenly, my anger began to subside. The spoiled, bratty nature of mine was replaced as I thought about Harrison. It was so selfish of me to think the way I was thinking. That was his daughter, the only family he had for the past 20 plus years, and now, she was gone. I looked at Brian, then exhaled. “Did you talk to him?”
“Yeah.” The elevator doors opened. He put his hand out to keep them from closing again. “We spoke this morning before I came in. He called me on my cell phone when I was getting ready, and he told me that he needed another day or so. I tried to open him up a little bit, you know? But you know how he is. He shuts that door before anybody can slide a foot in. He is good with that.”
I shook my head. “Yeah, he is. When he wants you out, he will put you out. I know that for a fact.” I mumbled the last words under my breath.
“What was that?”
“Oh. I was just saying that I hope everything is alright with him. He won’t let me in, either, but I figured he would let his best friend inside of his mind.”