by Naomi Niles
He laughed. “No, not me. I’m on the outside looking in just like you.” He looked at his papers, “Oh, and before I forget, these came into my email for you. I thought I would print them out and let you look them over.” He handed me the papers with a smile. “But yeah, I wouldn’t worry about Harrison too much. He is a tough guy, so, whatever it is, I know he will be OK. He didn’t sound sick, so I guess that is a good thing.”
“Yeah,” I said as I pretended to look over the papers. “Well, I’m going to get to my office and start working. I’ve got a long day ahead of me.”
“Alright. You know where I am at, so just shoot me a holler if you need me.”
I smiled as he let the door close between us. I glanced at Harrison’s office door as I walked past. I just wanted him to be alright. I knew that he hurt himself once because he blamed himself for Sarah’s death, so I was hoping that he didn’t injure himself again. As I made it to my office, I sat down at my desk and went through the papers that Brian handed me. When I came across some information that needed Harrison’s attention, I took that as an excuse to step into his office. I grabbed my keys, then made my way to his room.
The sunlight hit me as soon as I opened the door. The light illuminated the dust particles that floated in the room like tiny fireflies. I walked to his desk and placed the papers down near his computer. A picture of Sarah sat to the right. I picked it up and smiled, wiping the dust off the frame with my finger. Sarah, help me, please. Your father hates me. My eyes began to fill with tears before I wiped them away and placed the picture back on his desk. I wanted to call him again, but I knew that he would just send me directly to voicemail once again. That was the normal thing to do for the past few days. I hated it with all my heart, but I had no idea how to get around it. My finger hovered over the call button, but instead, I scrolled to Brian’s number and initiated the call.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Brian. Um. Are you busy?”
“Just going over some paperwork. What’s up?”
“I um,” I walked away from Harrison’s desk, “I just want to talk to you about something. I mean, if you are busy, I can wait. I just – well, it’s about Harrison.”
“Harrison? OK, yeah. Did you want me to come up there or do you want to come here?”
“I can come there. My office is kind of small right now.”
He chuckled. “Yeah, you’re right about that. We have plans to build you a bigger one. That is, if you decide to stick around, but that is another conversation for another day. Come on down. I’ll be waiting.”
“OK.”
I closed Harrison’s door and went to Brian’s office. He told me to come in as soon as I knocked on the door. I closed the door behind me, then took a seat in the chair right before his desk. I twiddled my thumbs as he leaned back and propped his leg over the other. I was nervous about speaking. I didn’t know what he would do when I told him the truth about me and Harrison. Since I couldn’t talk to Johnathan, the next best person was Brian. They were best friends, and I knew that he could possibly provide a better way for me to handle this problem. He waited patiently for me to talk.
“So, I messed up.” I sighed, then continued. “I messed up big time.”
“I’m listening.”
I looked away from Brian, too nervous to make eye contact. “Well, Sunday, I went by his house to hang out a bit, you know? Just for a little while since neither of us had anything to do that day.” I didn’t want him to know I spent the night, so I kept the details about that to a minimum. “He ended up falling asleep later and,” I took a deep breath, knowing what was about to come next, “I remembered that he asked me to help him clean out Sarah’s room a while ago.”
I looked at him as he tilted his head to the side as if it helped him understand me better. “So, I took the initiative and decided to clean it out for him.” He closed his eyes and nodded his head as if he already knew where I messed up. “I mean, I thought he was just so busy that he didn’t have the time. Besides that, he just appreciated me for taking the initiative earlier by cleaning up his kitchen, so, I just wanted to keep up the trend. I am a helpful person by nature, so it was something natural for me to do.” I could feel the tears forming at the bottom of my eyes. “Now, I realized that I made a horrible, horrible decision and now Harrison hates me.”
He put his feet flat on the floor and grabbed a Kleenex. “No, no,” he said, handing it to me, “he doesn’t hate you. Trust me, he doesn’t hate you. He is just hurt right now, and honestly, he doesn’t know how to deal with the loss of Sarah. Maybe he should have told you that the room was sort of like a memorial for him. I mean, that is just my opinion, but Harrison doesn’t share much. He keeps things closed up inside of him for the most part.”
I wiped my eyes with the Kleenex, trying not to smear my makeup. “I know. I know ,and like I said, I was just trying to help him out. Take some of the stress off his shoulders, but now, he won’t even talk to me. I called him all day yesterday and a few times today, but I don’t get a response or anything. He forwards my call to voicemail, and now, it is like he doesn’t even want me to exist. He hates me, and I know it.”
“No, no, Caroline,” he walked towards me and sat down on the edge of his desk with the box of Kleenex in his hands. “He does not hate you, and I know that for a fact.”
“How do you know that?” I asked with a mouth full of cries.
“Because I know. I know Harrison, and the way he talks about you?” He chuckled, “It sounds like he is talking about his high school crush or something. I mean, the guy is absolutely smitten with you, and I’ve never seen him like that a day in my life. Now that I think about it, did you drug him?” I narrowed my eyes, then moments later, a crescent smile fell from my lips. “Ah, there it is! A smile! I thought I’d never see that from you anymore, especially with the way you’ve been walking around here the past day. But like I said, trust me, he feels some kind of way about you. Now, I can’t tell you if it is love and I don’t know the details of your relationship with him because he doesn’t tell me much. But, what I can say is that I know he cares for you. A lot.”
He handed me another Kleenex. “Now, yeah, you did mess up by taking down Sarah’s things, but like I said, it wasn’t your fault, especially if you two talked about doing it together before now. Just – just give him a little time, you know? Let him simmer down. The one thing about Harrison is that yes, he will get mad and once he gets to that point, he can say and do things that he didn’t mean to. But I guarantee you that after he settles down, he will come to you and apologize. Hell, he has said some shit to me that would’ve pissed me off any other day, but my wife has a sharper tongue than him, so it wasn’t as bad as it could’ve been.”
“Your wife has a sharp tongue?”
“Oh, yes! She does, without a doubt! Now, don’t get me wrong, she can be a sweet as pie when she wants to be. But, if you get on her nerves, she will cut you to shreds with just one sentence. Hell, just a few words!” He laughed. “But that is another conversation. You, on the other hand, just give him some time. Have you gone by to see him?”
“No. I figured he wanted me to stay away.”
“Maybe you should take a stroll over there and see what happens.”
“He yelled at me and told me to get the hell out of his house the last time I was there. I don’t want that to happen again. I’m not as thick-skinned as you are, Brian.”
He grabbed me by the hand and lifted me up, “No. Trust me. I have a good feeling about this. Go ahead and stop by. I know he is at home. And listen, if he says anything mean to you, just leave it to me. I’ll take care of it, and on top of that, I’ll let you take a run at me as payback. You can say anything you want. Any word in the book, OK? Deal?”
I laughed and wiped my eyes. “No deal. I don’t want to take my anger out on you, but, that is your best friend. So, I’ll trust that you wouldn’t lead me down the wrong path.”
“As a matter of fact, go ahead and go now
.”
“Now? I’ve got so much work to do.”
“It can wait.” He opened his door. “Go ahead. I only have a few things to do myself, and if push comes to shove, I’ll help you iron some things out if you get backed up. Just leave your key with me, if that is alright with you, and I will go up there and take care of whatever it is that you need me to.”
His smile was inviting. “Thank you, Brian. Thank you for helping me maneuver my way through this mess I caused.”
“No problem, Caroline. No problem at all. Oh, and when you are done talking with him, tell him we are even.”
“Even?”
“Yeah. He helped talk my wife out of a divorce.” He laughed to himself. “Yeah, that Harrison is a good, good man. I don’t want to imagine where I would be without him.”
We embraced, then I left his office to grab my things and head to Harrison’s. I was glad that I had gotten a better understanding of him through Brian, but all I could do was hope that he didn’t curse me out when he saw me. I knew I was taking a big chance, but I felt like it was worth it. As I sat outside his home, I contemplated driving off. My heart couldn’t take any more venomous words from him. My heart felt as though it was trying to leap out of my chest. Dark storm clouds moved into position as light thunder rumbled above me. Let’s go, Caroline. It is now or never.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Harrison
It was a panic attack. I went to the doctor later that day to find out what happened to me. I knew I was a healthy guy and in pretty good shape, so it all hit me by surprise when I found myself laying on the ground, thinking I was on my way to death. “Yes, Harrison, you are completely healthy. From what you have told me, it just sounds as though you had a panic attack. Your anxiety, coupled with the fact that you heard your daughter’s voice moments before it happened, is what led me to that diagnosis.”
The reality is that I was not coping with Sarah’s death the way I should have. Instead of letting everything out, I kept it in. That was generally how I handled everything in my life, and right now, it was all starting to catch up with me. I sat in the front room as the relaxing sound of thunder rumbled above me. It was only 11:40, and I thought about giving Caroline a call, but I knew she was probably busy at work. I felt bad about the way I treated her the past few days, and as I held my phone in my hand, I figured that going to see her in person would be the best way to apologize.
I got up from my seat on the couch and walked past Sarah’s room on the way to mine. All of her things were placed back in their original spots. The calmness that I felt before everything had happened was still gone. I sighed, then made my way up to my room to get dressed. Thick, dark rain clouds blanketed the sky above as another rumble of thunder shook the windows in my room. I smiled as I thought about the times that I would hear Sarah’s little feet pitter-patter as she ran to my room in the middle of a thunderstorm. She would launch herself into my bed and wiggle beneath the covers until she nestled her way right underneath my arm.
Those were the memories that I kept locked inside of my mind. The memories that would never allow Sarah to pass away, no matter what was, or wasn’t in her room. Before long, I found myself feeling sillier about the way I acted with Caroline. She didn’t deserve that. I shuddered when I thought about the things I had said to her before she left. I have to make this up to her. When I finished getting dressed, I went downstairs and shut the television off. A stream of lightning lit up the sky as the rain started to crash into the roof. I grabbed my coat out of the closet, and as soon as I opened the door, my eyes widened. Another flash of lighting parted the sky, and a low, thunderous rumble followed right behind it. “Caroline? I was – I was just on my way to see you.”
She looked as though she was afraid to speak. Afraid to make eye contact. The flow of rain picked up, and with that, I grabbed her by the hand and gently tugged her inside. She held her head low. “I’m sorry. Were you getting ready to leave? I didn’t mean to interrupt your–”
“No, no. It’s fine. I um, I was actually headed to the office.”
“Ok. I can come back another time. I was just–”
“I was on my way to see you, Caroline.” Thunder vibrated my home like the heartbeat of God as she stood in front of me. I didn’t know what to say to her. I felt like such an asshole, and I knew I was going to have to dig my way out of this. “Come in, please? Have a seat on the couch. We have a lot to talk about.”
She nodded her head and timidly walked towards the couch. I missed her touch. The way she comforted me during the moments I felt as though I couldn’t carry on with my own strength. It had only been two days, but it felt like two years. I watched her as she walked to the couch and took a seat. I followed behind her and sat on the other side of the couch with a small space between us. Another rumble erupted from the skies above as the rain beat against my home. “Listen. I um, I am really sorry about everything.”
“No, Harrison. I am sorry. I shouldn’t have intruded on Sarah’s space. I should’ve asked first, especially knowing how sentimental you are with her things. I know you keep her voicemails on your phone and everything you have carries some emotional value to it. I didn’t think about that as I was going along. My focus was just to help you out as much as I could. If I would have known what kind of mess I would cause, then I would have never stepped foot in her room.”
Her eyes glimmered with tears. She looked at me for a moment, then fixed her attention directly in front of her. “I need to apologize, too. You should probably know this about me, Caroline. I have a hard time letting go. I hold onto things, and most times, since I don’t let the emotions out, they come out on their own. Forcefully and always at the wrong time. I held onto my pain from Sarah’s death. I can count on one hand the number of times that I shed tears over her death. I kept sweeping things under the rug, just hoping that it would go away on its own.”
I took a deep breath. I had never opened myself up to another person. I was too afraid that they would use my vulnerability against me. I thought that they would see it as a weakness and use it to their advantage. Even now, I was apprehensive about telling her anything else, but she deserved to know. She deserved to understand why I lashed out at her last Sunday. “I swept her death under the rug and lived off her memories. Something inside of me kept feeding me hope that one day,” I glanced at the door, “she would walk through that door with her big, bright smile and tell me she loved me.”
I felt tears forming in my eyes, but I didn’t stop them from falling. It took everything in me to allow them to fall down my cheeks in front of Caroline, but it was time that I let her in. Completely. “I kept torturing myself, trying to convince my mind that this was one, big, horrible dream and I was going to wake up. I was going to wake up and go to Caroline’s graduation, and everything would be fine. That is what I believed, and while I lived in that fairytale world, I didn’t want to touch anything in her room. I wanted everything left exactly the way she had it because she always threw a hissy fit when I touched things in her room.” I smiled at the memories. “So, I left it alone. I didn’t touch anything, and that helped me keep her alive. The voicemails, the clothing. Everything I held onto helped me keep her alive. I was driving myself insane, Caroline.”
I felt her hand grab hold of mine. She scooted closer to me. Waterworks fell from her reddened eyes as she sat quietly, waiting for me to continue. “And then you came along and helped me. You helped me indirectly. When you were around, I felt better. I felt like I could carry on and then, even when you took her things down, I now realized that you helped me. If that never happened, I would’ve never broken down the way I did. I cried all night and the following day. I slept in her room. On her floor. In her bed. I had a panic attack.” I shook my head. “I didn’t even know what those things were, but I heard her voice, and then, I just felt pain. I thought I was going to die.”
She gripped my hand tighter. “But I was alright. I owe you an apology, and a thank you.”
&
nbsp; “You don’t owe me anything, Harrison.”
“I do. You helped me break through the barrier and grieve for my daughter. You helped me do that, and I was angry at first because I didn’t understand, but now I understand. You were there to help me all along, and you didn’t even know it. I am sorry. Please, forgive me. Please.”
She wrapped her arms around me and cried with me on the couch as I held onto her like she was the last woman in the world. Lightning lit up the sky. Thunder ensued. Rain beat against the rooftops. I held her, and in the midst of a storm, she was the calm I needed. I didn’t want to lose her, and I couldn’t afford to. Our chemistry lied in between our ability to be ourselves, and unconsciously fill the voids in each other’s lives. She was my void filler. I was grateful to have her in my life.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Caroline
I was surprised to see Harrison break down in front of me last night. I wanted to spend the night at his place, but it seemed as though he still needed his space to work through some things. It was tough to see him in tears, but then again, it showed me a side of him that I didn’t think existed. There was a lot of hurt behind his tough exterior, but that was like most of the men I’ve known. They had a hard time sharing their true feelings, but I knew that when Harrison broke down in front of me, that was a major change for him. I resisted the urge to text him as I laid in bed, watching the clock tick from 7:59 to 8 in the morning.
After I realized that I wouldn’t get another wink of sleep, I hopped up and got into the shower so I could get ready for work. I was nervous about how things would go today. I didn’t expect them to go back to normal right away, even after we put everything on the table last night. He showed me Sarah’s room before I left. I was surprised when I saw that things weren’t the same. A lot of the things that I removed were still gone. I remembered what he told me like it just happened. With a glimmer of tears in his eyes, he spoke. “I had to start letting certain things go. The pictures and whatnot, those are the items I will hold onto. But, her clothing, shoes, and stuff like that? I am going to go ahead and send them to Goodwill. I figured that somebody else in need could use them. It’s what Sarah would have wanted me to do, and I know it. I was being selfish with her things, but she is gone now. She is gone, and I can finally begin to accept that as a fact.”