by Naomi Niles
It hurt for me to hear those words because I once struggled to accept that same truth. I still do, even to this day, but I know that she is in a better place. The steam from the shower rose into the air as I thought about what to wear to work. I wanted to find something that would cheer Harrison up if he still felt down. After a few minutes passed by, I finally came up with an outfit. I grabbed a white, sleeveless mini dress from my closet and laid it on my bed. I hadn’t worn it since I purchased it shortly before graduation. Sarah had one just like it, and we had planned to wear them on graduation night while we went out to celebration parties. It was a bittersweet memory, and I had planned to take it back to the store, but I decided against it. Sarah would’ve wanted me to keep it, and that was the reason it was still in my closet.
After I got dressed, I headed to work. It was just past 10 am when I showed up. I was disheartened when I didn’t see Harrison’s truck parked outside, but I figured he would just be in a little later. As soon as I got into the building, a small group of construction workers huddled near the water fountain. One of them smiled at me as I walked by. I cordially returned the favor as I walked to the elevator. “Hi.”
I turned around to see the young man who waved at me on my way to the elevator. “Hello.”
“Yeah.” He took his construction hat off. His hair was cut short and his mahogany-colored eyes glimmered as he looked directly into mine. “I just wanted to introduce myself to you. I’ve never seen you around here before, so,” he extended his hand, “my name is Tim.”
“I am Caroline.” I shook his hand. “It is nice to meet you.” I didn’t think he knew that I and Harrison were on the verge of dating. In fact, I don’t think anybody at our job knew, outside of Brian. Harrison was a very private man, so I expected that much.
“Yeah,” I saw him glance down at my ring finger, “so I was thinking that maybe we could go and grab something to eat one evening. I mean, that’s if you are not busy.”
I smiled. “Wow. You move fast, don’t you?”
He chuckled, “Well, I was told that the early bird gets the worm. So, I didn’t want to let this opportunity pass. Who knows if it will present itself again?”
Just then, the elevator doors opened in front of me. Tim was cute, and he was exactly the type that I looked for in college. Tall. Slim. Tanned with a short haircut and pretty eyes. I didn’t know what Harrison was thinking about our future, but I knew that Tim wasn’t the one I wanted. He was tempting, but I had to pass. “I’m sorry, Tim. I can’t. I am sort of seeing someone right now, and I don’t want anything to come between us.”
He smiled. “I see. Well, the good ones are usually taken, so I can’t say that I am surprised. I hope you enjoy the rest of your day, Caroline.”
“Thank you, Tim. You as well.”
We exchanged smiles as the door closed on the elevator. I headed to Brian’s office first. Since I didn’t see Harrison’s truck, I figured that Brian would know about any changes in his schedule. I knocked twice and waited for him to open up for me. “Caroline! Hey! Good morning. I just got here about 20 minutes ago myself. Come on in.”
“Hey, Brian. How are you doing?”
“I am good. I got a shitload of work today, but that is a good thing. It makes the time go by faster.” He sat down in his seat. “So, how did things go yesterday? Did you come here to curse me out?”
I laughed and sat down in front of his desk. “No, silly. No need for that. I’d say the conversation went well. He um, he really opened up to me and told me a lot about what he was dealing with for the past few days.”
“See! What did I tell ya. I know my buddy, man. I know him.”
“Yeah, thank you.” I smiled. “But, I figured I would see him here today, so I guess things didn’t go as well as I thought.”
“Oh, no, he called in again. He sounded as if he was doing much better today than he was the past few days.”
“He called in?”
“Well,” he cleared up his words, “he didn’t call in. I saw him leaving the building when I showed up. Apparently, he has some things planned for tonight, and he wanted to get things settled.”
“Things?”
“Yeah. I mean, you know how he is. Specifics are scarce when it comes to him, and I didn’t pry, so I left it alone. But, judging from the grin on his face, it seemed as if he was excited about it.”
I tried to mirror his expression, but I couldn’t but wonder what he was planning for tonight. We didn’t speak about doing anything together, so I figured that he may have had something else planned that had nothing to do with me. “Oh, I see. Well, I am going to get to my office and start catching up on the work I missed yesterday.”
“I told ya to let me knock those things out for you when I was here yesterday. I would’ve been more than happy to help you out.”
I stood up and hung my purse strap on my arm. “No, I knew I could handle it all today. Like you said, it makes the time go by faster. I’m gonna head upstairs, though. If you need me, I’ll be there.”
“OK. Have a good day, Caroline. I’m sure I will see you around.”
I forced a smile until I cleared his office. Maybe Harrison didn’t feel better? I called the elevator as I held my phone in my hand. I thought about calling or texting Harrison to make sure everything was OK, but I left it alone. Maybe he just needs more time. I climbed onto the elevator and rose to the fifth floor. As I got off, I glanced at his door, then kept walking to my office. As soon as I stepped inside, my eyes lit up.
There were vases full of tulips and roses all over my office. On the desk, the chairs, and the floor. Balloons were tied to them, and on my desk, there were small gifts and a card. I put my hands over my mouth to keep myself from screaming out of excitement, then dropped my purse to the ground. This explains why he was here earlier. My vision blurred from tears as I walked closer to the desk and grabbed the card. I imagined his deep, sonorous voice as I read it out loud.
“Hey, Caroline. I am sorry that I acted like such an asshole towards you. I still feel bad about it, but hopefully, this will begin to make up for it. Like I said, this is just the beginning. There are a few gifts there, and tonight, if you are free, I would love to have dinner with you so I can show you part two of my apology. I have something special to show you. Something that I’ve kept tucked away for decades. If you are available, please come to my house at around 8 pm. If not, just text me, and I am sure I can reschedule.”
- Harrison.
“I did a good job holding that in, huh?”
I quickly turned around when I heard Brian’s voice. He stood in my doorway with a smile on his face.
“You knew about this?!”
“Knew about it?” He laughed. “I am the one that helped him load up this place with flowers. Do you really think I would come to work early? Seriously?”
I laughed, then ran to put my arms around him. “Brian, this is so sweet! No one has ever done anything like this for me before. Nobody. I feel like a fucking princess! I can’t believe it!”
“Yeah,” he said, smiling, “I know he really cares for you. Like I said, I don’t know if it is love. I’ll let him iron that out between you two, but if I had to guess, that would be mine.”
“Thank you, Brian. Thank you so much!”
“Sure thing. Well,” he said, looking around my office, “I’ll let you get to work in this jungle of yours. I hope for nothing but the best for you two. From what I can see, you both deserve it.”
He smiled, then walked out of my office. I quickly grabbed my phone and sent Harrison a text message. “Here I am, thinking that you still sort of hate me, and I walk into this?!”
“lol – are you just now getting to work?”
“What? Are you going to write me up? LOL.”
“Not even. I am glad you liked the surprise, though. Please tell me that you are free tonight.”
“Well, I was thinking of hopping on my private jet so I could go to LA and kick it with Will and Jada Smit
h, buuuuut I guess I can spare an evening for you.”
“LOL. You are too kind.”
“Thank you, Harrison. I will see you later.”
“Looking forward to it.”
I could hardly focus on my work for the rest of the day because of the anticipation. Inside of the boxes, there were two pairs of earrings and a bracelet. I quickly removed the earrings I had on and replaced them, then slid the bracelet onto my wrist. I couldn’t wait to see what Harrison had planned for me later.
Chapter Thirty-Five
Harrison
“So, she loved it?”
“Did she love it? Man, the girl was in tears when I walked into her office and trust me, those weren’t tears of sadness, man.”
I laughed as I sat in the front room talking to Brian. “Good. I got a lot of making up to do with her. I was such an asshole, man. A complete, utter asshole. I’ll never forgive myself for it.”
“Nah, man. It’s understandable, and that is another one of your problems. You are too hard on yourself. You have to have room to make a mistake here and there and not kill yourself for it. Hell, I’ve made so many mistakes as a husband and father, I should write a book. It’s life though, man. You live, and you learn.”
“I hear ya, Brian. I hear ya. Listen, thanks again for picking up the slack for me since I’ve been away. Here it is, three days have gone by and I haven’t stepped foot in the office other than to drop some flowers off for Caroline.”
“Boss, you can take as much time as you need. I’ve never even seen you take a vacation unless business was involved. You need it. If I were you, I’d take the rest of the week off. That’s just me, though.”
I propped my leg up on the couch. “The rest of the week?”
“Oh yeah. It’s just two measly days. Nothing major. I’ve got it from here. Oh,” he laughed, “before I forget, you may want to make this relationship with you and Caroline public. Word around the office is that one of the new guys hit on her. I mean, he didn’t know she was taken, but once he found out that you were the person she was dating, you should’ve seen the horror in his eyes. It was like he saw a ghost.”
I laughed. “Yeah, I may need to do something about that. But for now, we will keep it as is.”
“Your call, boss. Your call. Anyway, I’m gonna get out here. I gotta go on site to one of the buildings we are constructing. Some of the guys need a little help.”
“Are you sure you don’t need me to come in?”
“Boss, enjoy your time off. I’ll see you Monday.”
“Thanks, man.”
“You got it.”
It felt good knowing that I could step away from my job and not worry about a thing. Brian was as dependable as they came and he was an extension of me in the workplace. There wasn’t a difference from me to him when it came to the way things were being run, and I knew that whenever I decided to retire, he would be the perfect man to step up. I got up from the couch and walked to Sarah’s room. A few days had passed since I rearranged everything. After I dropped the flowers off at work, I took her clothing to Goodwill. There were four boxes full of items, and when I brought them in, the female worker was very appreciative.
“They are from a very special person,” I said, recollecting thoughts of Sarah.
She smiled. “I am sure they are.”
I walked to the empty closet in her room. The air was still. The silence was deafening. I took a deep breath and inhaled the silence, then blew it out softly. The only things that remained in her room were pictures, trophies, plaques, and the bedding on top of her mattress. Everything else had been taken out and placed in storage. I never thought I would be able to do anything like that, but as soon as I did, I felt a load lifting off my shoulders. Things weren’t easier, but I could feel them heading that way. I smiled, then closed the door and went back into the front room.
It was almost 12 pm when I closed my eyes for a nap. When I opened them again, it was just past 3. I pulled myself off the couch, then headed to the kitchen to prepare dinner for tonight. I thought of taking Caroline out for a night on the town, but I figured that I would make this evening intimate between the two of us. She had texted me a few times when I was asleep. She came off like a child who was excited to open her gifts on Christmas. It was cute to me, and it made me realize that she appreciated my gestures towards her.
After I had finished cooking, I got myself ready for her. I put on some slacks and a short-sleeved, button-up shirt. I knew she would be dressed up, so I didn’t want her to be the only one. My doorbell rang at 7:45 pm. I laughed as I looked out the window. She is early. When I opened the door, a bright smile shined from her countenance. She wore a white mini dress with 2-inch heels. Her hair was tied into a bun as she stood in front of me. The sunshine from behind illuminated her silhouette like an angel. I looked at my watch. “7:45?”
She laughed. “Whatever, Harrison. I just couldn’t wait to see you. I can come back if you’d like.”
I pulled her in closer and planted a kiss on her lips. “No, you are fine. I was just giving you a hard time.”
I closed the door behind her as she walked further into the house. “It smells good in here, Chef Harrison.”
I removed her jacket and hung it inside the closet, “Thank you, my dear. Are you hungry?” I noticed the earrings and bracelet adorning her earlobes and wrist as she stood in the middle of the front room.
“Yes, I am. Shall we?”
“Indeed.”
I led her into the kitchen. Our plates of steak and potatoes sat peacefully on top of the dinner mats. The candlelight on top of the table flickered as I pulled my chair out for her. Jazz music played low in the background. Rose petals were scattered around on the table and in her seat. “This is gorgeous, Harrison.”
“It pales in comparison to your beauty.”
She blushed, then took her seat at the table. I grabbed a bottle of wine from the refrigerator, then removed two longneck wine glasses from the counter. “You are pulling out all the stops, huh?”
“Well, I have a lot of making up to do.”
I sat down at the table as she continued. “Harrison, please. I’ve already forgiven you for that. We both had a lot that we needed forgiveness for, so we can move past it now. You know this is one of your issues. Holding onto things. You have to let that go. If you keep beating yourself up for it, you’re going to mess around and hurt your hand again. I don’t want that to happen.”
I sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I know. This ‘letting go’ thing. It is much easier said than done. How do you do it?”
“Well, I don’t know. I mean, I don’t have a formula for it or anything. I think that as women, we are more emotional and because of that, we are prone to talk things out. Cry. Yell. Scream. Whatever we need to get out, we get it out. I guess that is what you should do instead of holding it in. Like now,” she took a napkin and spread it onto her lap. “Why are you holding on to what you said to me last Sunday?”
I looked away from her, trying to find a reason as to why I still held onto it. “I don’t know. I guess because, in my mind, nothing I do will be able to remove how I made you feel. Like, it will always be in the back of my mind, you know? As much as I want to shake it, it will remain. Taunting me, sort of.”
She grabbed her knife and cut into the steak. The juicy morsel clung to her fork as she dipped it into the steak sauce on the side of her plate. “Well, see, that is the problem. When I told you that I forgave you, I meant it. Since that moment, you can forget about it. Forget about how it made me feel. Forget about what you said. Because if I saw I forgive you, then should be your closure. You should move on from it because I will treat you as if nothing ever happened.” She looked at the table, the reached for the wine glass. Suddenly, she stopped. “No, you grab the wine glass. Grab it and then hand it to me.”
I did what she asked and handed her the wine glass. “Now, imagine that the glass is what you said to me. You spoke those words, and now I have them. I am hurting
. But guess what? As soon as you say you are sorry, watch what happens.” She took the wine glass and placed it on the floor, then brought her hands back to my line of sight. “It is gone. You see how that works? Now, you don’t have it because you gave it to me, but when you asked for forgiveness, I no longer have it either. Now, nothing is there. That is how you have to look at things.”
“What about Sarah? How do I let that go?”
“That, Harrison, should’ve never been there. That is not your fault, but somehow, you made it your fault. Sarah doesn’t blame you for that, Harrison, trust me. I’ve known her for the majority of my life, and I know she wouldn’t have blamed you for what happened. You created that blame as a means to cope. That’s it. It doesn’t exist.”
I looked at her as she slid the piece of steak into her mouth. The way she spoke with such assurance. It was as though she demanded I make sense of what she was saying, and I did. Everything was as clear as day. I raised one eyebrow to the middle of my forehead. “Are you sure you are in the right business? Accounting? Maybe you should have been a psychologist.”
She laughed. “That is funny because I switched majors my second year in college. Psychology was my first choice, but then I realized how much I loved numbers, so I switched it. I still remember a lot of what they taught, though, because I am interested in the study of human behavior.”
“I see.”
After we finished our meal, I led her into the front room. While we sat on the couch, I pulled a small notebook from beneath the cushion. “Now,” I said, holding it in my hands, “this is what I had to show you.” I handed her the notebook and she stared at it for a second.