Too late. I speed walked to the door, glancing back just in time to see the sullen look on his face as his hand slowly dropped down to his side. The only difference was this time I was the one causing that look.
That thought upset me.
Why? I was a pro at this. I’d seen that look cross many handsome faces before, but he was too beautiful to wear that expression. And I was just a fucked up bitch.
Just keep walking. What were you thinking anyway?
That I felt normal and happy . . .
Even if only for a little while.
After scouring the city months ago, I’d finally found a place I could swing. Given my need for privacy and solitude, I’d been saving every penny since I was fifteen to make sure I could afford an apartment once I got to college. I’d be damned if I’d allow anyone to witness what went on with me when the lights went out. It was on the top floor, and it cost a pretty penny, but it was more than worth it to me. It had two things I considered priceless—my own private balcony and direct access to the roof. They were the perfect places I could go to forget about the world and throw myself deep into my two vices, writing poetry and singing. Music had always been a Band-Aid to my soul. The words resonated deep within me and resounded through my veins. Some nights, when the boogeyman came, it was my only means of escape. Go up there and sing out my sorrows while the world was asleep and oblivious to my heartache.
My parents only condition moving to the city was that I lived in a building with a doorman. There was no way I could afford that, so they paid the difference. Walking into the lobby, I waved to my white haired guardian without much enthusiasm as I headed for the elevator. The girls would be here soon, and I had to pull myself together and shake off the rattle Blake put in my insides.
I busied myself with endless cleaning, while belting the lyrics to my trusty Pat Benatar CD. I could always count on Pat to brighten my mood. I was hopping around the apartment, bopping and swaying and singing into spatulas, when the girls knocked on the door.
“Coming! Gimme a sec.” I wiped the sweat from my brow, slapped my yellow gloves on the counter, and scurried over to the door to let in the giggling combo.
Jessie threw her arms around my neck like she hadn’t seen me in years. “Eva, I missed you!”
“Jes, it’s been six hours.” I chuckled and rolled my eyes.
Sandra walked past me with an overflowing grocery bag and kissed my cheek. “I swear she would marry you if she could. She hasn’t stopped talking about you.”
“Aw, Jes, I’m flattered.” I batted my eyelashes at her.
“Yeah, yeah. Shut up, both of you. Don’t make fun, or I won’t be your friend anymore.” She stuck out her tongue.
Sandra was in awe, staring at the view out my kitchen window. “I really love your place, Eva. You scored with this one.”
The city skyline was beautiful with all the lights and scattered buildings of varying sizes. The world was hustling about just feet below, but from up here it looked so calm. Once I saw it, it called to me. This is “the city that never sleeps”. Well, neither did I. We were a perfect match.
Jessie hopped onto my couch, squatting back onto her heels. “I know, right? I’m so jealous. We’re stuck in those tiny little dorms, and you’re living like royalty over here.”
I plopped beside Jessie and tucked one leg underneath me. “Hey, this tiny little royalty comes at a pretty ridiculous price.” I lifted my eyebrow. “Which reminds me, it’s time I find a job, or I’ll be sleeping at the foot of your bed soon.” I nudged her with my shoulder.
“What do you have in mind?” Sandra called out from the kitchen. She was bent over, watching for the flame to spring to life beneath a pot of water and my mouth watered thinking about the spaghetti dish she’d promised.
I shrugged. “I think I’ll make the most money bartending. I can probably get away with only working three nights a week if I can snag a Friday or Saturday.”
I could see the light bulb go off in Jessie’s head. “My friend Rick owns The Backdoor. He’ll hire you in a heartbeat. With your body and that face, you’ll make a killing! I’ll call him when I get back to my room later.”
“You think?”
She nodded. “I so think.”
“’Kay. Thanks, chick.” I gave her a squeeze.
“No problem. Now let me at your notes.”
I pulled out my book as divine scents wafted toward me from the kitchen. “San, you can come over any time. My kitchen’s always open.”
She tossed a spatula and caught it behind her back like Tom Cruise, then started a little jig. We all giggled in unison, and I sighed in contentment, somehow feeling more comfortable here in this chaotic city than I had in years back home.
An hour later, Jessie was all caught up, and I was wiping my plate clean with a piece of Italian bread. “My god, Sandra, that was amazing. If you’re not supposed to be a chef, I don’t know who is.” A little burp escaped my lips. “Scuze me! See? Compliments to the chef.” We all laughed again.
“Thanks.” She beamed.
The girls helped me tidy up and then they were gone, leaving me alone . . . again.
I made a cup of hazelnut coffee in my nifty little Keurig, then grabbed a pen and my journal. I brushed my fingertips along the fraying edges of the tattered, leather bound book. Loose poems and scribblings from the last few years or so were clasped behind a heart-shaped snap closure. I headed out to the balcony, and my pen began to flow without thought as it had so many times before.
Icy blue waters wash across a blackened sky
A dark ceiling outlines creamy white sand
The shore is broad and powerful, casting off perfection
Twinkling white stars smiling down to where I stand
My pen stopped mid-stroke, and I realized the double entendre staring back at me. I’d just unknowingly described Blake. Great, he’d gotten to my subconscious now, too. I closed my book and ran a clammy hand over the top of my most prized possession, then dropped it on the coffee table with a loud thump. He should be the furthest thing from my mind.
Running a bubble bath, I relished in the sweet sounds of Sarah McLachlan pouring from my iPod. I tied my hair in a messy bun of curls, then stepped into the warm water. Laying back, I covered my eyes with a cool washcloth and buried the day.
“In the arms of the angel . . .”
Really, Sarah? It had to be that song?
“Ugh!” I threw the cloth off my eyes and rubbed my throbbing temples. Looked like this wouldn’t be the relaxing time I’d envisioned after all.
Back in my room, I slipped into my favorite cotton shorts and a white tank, then slid under the covers and began to pray, as I did every night, for a peaceful night’s rest.
After a few minutes, my eyes drifted shut.
I’m holding giant bags as I mindlessly glide through the halls of Columbia. My arms are tired, weak, and I’m straining under the weight. Looking into each passing classroom, I’m searching for something, but when I don’t see it, I continue walking forward.
He steps out of a room two doors away, and my heart lurches in my chest. My eyes lose their emptiness, and a light shines in them as a smile creeps up my lips. Eager to reach him, I hurry my step, drop all of my baggage at his feet, and stare up into the blue depths of his eyes.
He kicks the bags aside as if they’re nothing and picks me up so we’re nose to nose. An overwhelming feeling of completeness washes over me, and I can tell by the gleam in his eye he feels it, too. Our eyes remain open as we begin to kiss through smiling lips. I’m lost in the feeling, savoring each flick of his tongue when brown starts to tinge the sapphire perfection.
I think I’m seeing things and blink my eyes, only to see even more brown when they reopen. I try to pull away, but the arms that were just lovingly holding me close now feel like a vise imprisoning me.
It’s hard to breathe. My walls are constricting.
A dirt-colored hue has now completely covered the sapphire cr
ystals, and when I pull back to break the kiss, I’m staring at someone completely different. Someone terrifying.
“Hey there, beautiful.” He’s smiling that hateful smile of his. “I’ve missed you so fucking much.”
I shot up to a sitting position, shaking and sweating. My sheets were twisted around every part of my body, restraining me to the bed. Writhing frantically, I tried to free myself—ripping and clawing, legs and arms flailing. Once untangled, I drew my knees into my heaving chest and buried my head in them. Things could never be normal. I could never be normal. It was silly to entertain the thought.
I rocked until I was calmer. Next to the silhouette of my trusty stuffed lamb, the clock read a quarter after four. I was screwed. There was no getting back to sleep. I dragged myself to the kitchen and gulped down large amounts of water so quickly it took what was left of my breath away. Then I put a pair of gray, broken-in sweatpants and an old sweatshirt with the collar cut out over my pajamas. Climbing the rusted metal steps, I made my way to the place where I’d spent several late nights and early mornings trying to find my sanity—the roof.
A layer of sweat still clung to my skin, shooting a chill through my body, but I was numb to the vibrations. I lowered myself onto the lounge chair I’d placed up here and curled up into a protective ball. The sun wouldn’t show her face for a while longer and, knowing no one could hear me, I began to pour out my soul aloud.
I don’t know how long I sang or how many songs I’d gone through. I was belting lyrics now. Tears stained my cheeks, and I didn’t stop until my throat was hoarse and the words were stuck deep inside it, scratching on its walls. When the sun peaked on the horizon, I knew it was time I went back in.
Time to start day three.
My outpouring of emotion was successful in washing away the internal scars of my night tremors, but not the physical ones. I showered and then layered on my under eye cover-up. I’d need plenty of reinforcements today. Carefully, I brushed my eyelashes and when I was confident my demons were well hidden, I made a to-go cup of coffee and went to knock on Jace’s door.
“Morning sunshine.” I smiled as Jace pulled back the door, grumbling.
He put a hand in my face. “Don’t talk to me yet.” He turned his hand, palm up. “Where’s mine?”
I handed over his steaming French vanilla. He closed his eyes and took a sip, sloshing it around in his mouth like mouthwash and shut the door behind him.
Looking down at his feet, my eyebrows screwed together. “Um, Jace. I think you forgot something.”
“I didn’t forget, sugar. This was intentional.” He dragged his slipper-clad tootsies down the hall.
I raised my eyebrows. “You’re going to class in slippers?”
“Sure am. Let somebody say something to me.” He put up a claw and hissed.
With a giggle, I hooked my arm through his. “You’re too much, you know that?”
He kissed my cheek then looked at me from the corner of his smiling eye. “Good morning.”
Cinema 101. Thankfully, we were all in this class together, so it should be an easy and pleasant one finally. There were so many people in this giant lecture hall that we were able to have our fun without drawing too much attention.
As the class wrapped up, Jessie nodded in the direction of the sleeping beauty. Sunglasses on and hands folded over his chest, Jace was laying back in his cushioned seat.
I nudged him awake. “You better start paying attention. If you get kicked out, I’ll never forgive you.”
He rubbed his eyes and gave a good stretch. “Oh please. You’re taking my tests anyway. You won’t let that happen. I’m stuck here and you know it. Although, I must say, the assortment of men is much greater here. I probably should be thanking you.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
Cackling and planning out the rest of our day, we left the darkened lecture hall. The sun blared, taking me by surprise. I forgot how bright it was outside after spending so many hours in a room without windows.
I drew my elbow up, shielding my eyes to the blinding pain when—
“Hi, Angel.”
That voice.
I whipped my head around, catching a blurred glimpse of Blake at the bottom of the steps, resting against the railing.
Stumbling, I fell down the short flight, grabbing unsuccessfully for the rail before landing in his arms. Holding me at an incline, his face was only an inch away from mine. The way the sunlight played on his features, was nothing short of hypnotizing. I was stuck in the tiny sparkles dancing around in his crystal blue eyes. Eyes that could suck you in and drown you in their depths. He smelled of soap, musky man, and what I imagined heaven must smell like. I instinctively inhaled, sending my senses into a frenzy.
He flexed a perfectly chiseled jaw. “I couldn’t have planned that better if I’d tried.” His lip twitched, and his arms tightened around me.
After what felt like an eternity, Jace cut in. “So, Angel, who’s your friend?” Of course he said my new name in a sarcastic tone.
I scrambled out of his embrace and righted myself. “Um, Jace, this is Blake. Blake, Jace.”
“So very nice to meet you, Blake.” Jace licked his lips. “Any friend of Angel’s is a friend of mine. Though she neglected to tell me she’d made a new friend. Why is that, Angel?” He cocked his head.
“Back off, Jace.” I shot him a warning glare.
“Meow.” Jace wrapped an arm around my waist and pulled me close. “Don’t go there, honey.” His tone dismissed my bitterness, and just like that, he was forgiven. I knew he was only trying to assess the situation. I could hear the wheels turning as he tried to figure out if he needed to save me or let me be, though an outsider would have never been able to tell.
Blake extended a hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Jace. I’m suddenly very jealous of you.”
“Join the club there, gorgeous.” Jace shook Blake’s hand, still keeping his protective hold on me with the other. He turned to me. “I have to get to this killer fucking calculus class, thanks to you showing off during my placement test. You good, sugar?”
“Yeah, I’m okay.” Am I okay? “Go ahead. Come see me later.”
He studied me one more second and, when my eyes didn’t give anything away, he kissed my cheek. “Love.”
“Love.”
“Come on, bitches.” Jace snapped his fingers, summoning the two open-mouthed, wordless zombies to follow him. They adhered to his command, but their jaws hung slack as they stumbled over each other, staring at Blake.
He didn’t seem to notice. “Did I just witness telepathy?” Blake watched Jace walk away. The puzzled look on his face was adorable.
“At its finest. Don’t sneak up on a girl like that. I could’ve broken my neck.” I lightly shoved him.
“No, you couldn’t have. I’d never let you fall.” He was serious again, intently looking into my eyes to be sure I knew he meant it.
Oh, I’m falling all right.
He inched forward, and I backed away. “Where the hell did you come from anyway?” I looked around.
“Cinema.” He shoved his hands deep into his restraints again.
“Liar, I was just in cinema.”
“And so was I. I never lie.” He cocked his eyebrow with a smirk.
“Oh yeah? Where? I didn’t see you.” Don’t throw your dimple at me, liar.
“Ah, but I saw you. You’re cute when you’re not trying to hide yourself. I just sat back and enjoyed the show. And I don’t mean American History X. I have VIP seats, remember?” He was there. How’d I miss him? Kind of hard to overlook a giant hot guy.
He was inching closer again. Quicker than I could react, his hand was out of his pocket and grabbing mine. “Come on. You’re coming with me.”
“Where?” He walked at such a brisk pace, my shorter legs were scrambling to keep up with his longer strides.
“You’ll see.” He wore such a boyish grin, I couldn’t deny him.
After a few minutes, he relaxed and we bega
n walking at a more leisurely pace. “So what was that little stunt you pulled yesterday after class? You’re not going to make a habit of that are you because you’re only allowed three bug-outs and that was number one.” He smirked. “I’m purposely wearing my running shoes today, so I should warn you, you’ll have a challenge on your hands. What do I have to do to get you to stay put, anyway?”
I ducked my head and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Sorry about that. I don’t do strangers well or, um, guys in general and you’re just . . . Well, you’re . . .”
“Magnificent? Charming? Exceptional?” There was that dimple again.
“Yeah, sure, all of those.” I laughed.
He shrugged. “I don’t know what the big deal is. We’re already BFFs, so I’m not a stranger. And you’re the most magnificent creature walking this earth, so I know my charms can’t intimidate you.”
Number one—BFF?
And number two—he just nonchalantly slipped in one of the nicest compliments anyone’s ever given me and seemed to have genuinely meant it, not like he was just trying to get into my pants.
I smiled up at him and raised my eyebrows. “BFF?”
“That’s what you focus on, silly girl?” He shook his head, laughing. “Yes, BFF.”
“Tsk, Tsk. So sure of yourself.”
“I’m not sure of anything when it comes to you, but I’ll take what I can get at this point.”
We were far from school grounds, and it hit me that I’d just allowed a complete stranger to pull me off to God knows where. Maybe I was a little nervous, but not for the reasons I thought I would be. Or thought I should be.
“So now that you’ve kidnapped me, where, might I ask, are we going?”
“If I tell ya, I’d have to kill ya,” he said, straight-faced.
I stopped walking and pulled back on his hand.
Blake rolled his eyes. “Joke, Angel. Lighten up. The last thing I’d ever do is hurt you. Trust me.” He tugged my arm, moving me forward once again.
Live Me Page 5