Veiled Obsession

by Dori Lavelle

  Last night after we made love, he whispered into my ear that we should make a baby.

  I had looked at him with a small smile and didn’t say anything. But hot panic erupted inside of me.

  After everything he’d done for me, how could I refuse him something he wanted so desperately?

  At first I went along with it. I went off the pill. Giving him a baby was a small price to pay for the life he had given me.

  I wanted to be a mom, a better mother than my own had been. But what if, like my own mother, I failed at being a parent? What if life got in the way, and I ended up destroying my child? I couldn’t go through with it.

  Last night, I did what I had to do, the right thing for me. I started taking the pill again in secret.

  A baby would be yet another reason for Jude to love me, and right now I was already finding it hard to breathe.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Lying on a four-poster bed in Jude’s newest exclusive resort in Las Vegas, tears burned my eyes.

  Jude trailed his fingertips along the length of my curvy body, from the hollow of my neck to the mound between my legs. My skin prickled, but not from unleashed passion.

  Swallowing hard, I harnessed the urge to recoil from his touch, to gag from the musk in his cologne.

  He brought his hand back up and I let out a silent breath. “I wish we had more time.” He kissed my neck. “I’d rather be in here all day making love to you.”

  “I know,” I lied. I wanted to be anywhere but in bed next to my husband. “We should get ready.” I slipped out of bed and walked to the bathroom, my waist-length honey blond hair swaying like a curtain along my bare back.

  “How about I join you? We can catch a quickie.” I heard Jude ask a moment before the bathroom door closed.

  “Need to wash my hair,” I called back. He knew that washing my hair took forever.

  I leaned my back against the misted glass door, a hanging fluffy robe separating me from the cool door. I slumped forward, my hands clutching my knees. I drew in three deep breaths. Though the air filled my lungs, it didn’t seem enough. I grappled for more and more and more until my heart stopped racing.

  An hour later Jude was dressed in one of his black suits, tapping away at his laptop in the adjoining office, and Lucille, a celebrity makeup artist and hairstylist Jude had insisted we fly in from New York for the special day, fought with my long stubborn curls, finally wrapping and pinning a lush braid firmly against my scalp.

  “There,” she finally said in her British accent. “You look perfect.”

  I smiled but my stomach roiled. I longed to be excited about little things again. Like having my hair and nails done. But I was slowly forgetting how to be happy. I eyed myself in the mirror, watched my flat, green eyes staring sadly back at me. “Thank you, Lucille. You did great. I love it.”

  When Lucille left me alone in the room, I indulged in another breathing session. Tonight was a big night for Jude. The opening of his third luxury resort in a year. The Haley Luxury Resort and Casino was named after me, yet another token of his unending love. Yet another chain that bound me to him. The resort was pure luxury with fifty floors, two thousand rooms, a ninety-thousand-square-foot casino, a spectacular waterfall, and a shopping mall.

  Even if my brown eyes were empty, I widened my smile, I pretended I was happy.

  After all, what did I have to be miserable about? I had it all.

  “My husband will arrange for the jet to fly you back to New York.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Music and champagne flowed in the circular marble hall. People shook Jude’s hand, congratulating him on yet another success. As I allowed Jude to parade me around the room, I didn’t miss the envy on the faces of the women in the room. For my freedom, I would have traded places with them at the drop of a hat.

  I did my part. I smiled brightly and clapped along with everyone else after his speech that included him thanking his loving, supportive wife. I nodded as his dark eyes met mine.

  “I love you,” he mouthed and inside I recoiled from his words.

  After the caviar, champagne—sparkling water for me—and a five-course meal, my stomach twisted with anxiety.

  Five minutes to midnight. The party would be over soon and we would return to our suite. He would want to celebrate there too, to have sex. Over the six months, making love to him had become such a chore. Nothing but sex. And he was insatiable. Even more so now that he wanted a baby.

  Maybe it was a small price to pay for everything he had done for me. Without him, I would be nothing.

  After the last guests filtered out, I let him take me back to our suite, which was decorated with flickering candles and fresh flowers.

  When he made love to me I closed my eyes and prayed for him to finish soon.

  Then guilt wrecked me as I fell asleep in his arms. What was wrong with me? How could I not be happy with a handsome and rich man who worshipped the ground I walked on? Why wasn’t I able to shake the feeling that something was missing?

  In the morning, on our flight back home, I wept in the toilet for thirty minutes, then reapplied my makeup, squirted drops into my eyes and continued to pretend.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  I’d never felt quite at home in Jude’s house, which still looked like a bachelor pad. No feminine touch whatsoever. Not even a compromise. Given half the chance, I’d have gotten rid of the taupe and gray colors and replaced them with splashes of softer shades. I’d have replaced the hard-edged furniture with pieces that had curves to them. I’d have swept out the chill and brought in warmth, life. But Jude wouldn’t have it. I was his wife, his partner, but he went crazy when I tried to replace even a simple vase.

  Such a shame. If he would let me do something around the house, it would keep me from being bored all day while waiting for him to come home, from feeling empty. There was only so much TV I could watch and shopping lost its appeal when I could afford to buy anything I could ever wish for. Since returning from Las Vegas, I craved even more for what I couldn’t have. I wanted my freedom, and a job would have been a piece of that freedom.

  In spite of the heat outside, I felt a distinct chill as I entered the house after a day of shopping. The discomfort I felt upon entering the house went beyond just the temperature. There was some kind of friction, an invisible warning that something was not right. My skin prickled the way it did when in the vicinity of danger.

  “I take it, Mrs. Macknight?” Lin gestured toward my bags.

  For a moment I met her gaze and wondered what she meant.

  She was a diminutive Chinese woman in her fifties whose hunched back made her look even shorter than she already was. She had been Jude’s housekeeper for over ten years and her loyalty was to him. When I moved something in the house that shouldn’t be moved, she promptly returned it to its usual place. She always cooked his favorite dishes and never asked what I’d like. He was the one paying her after all. But she was always polite and friendly enough to me.

  “The grocery bags,” she explained and reached for them.

  The moment I let go of one of the bag’s handle, a booming voice made us both jump. One of the bags dropped onto the cherry wood floor and we heard a cracking sound. The eggs, I thought as a Lin bent to pick up the bag.

  “So sorry, Mrs. Macknight. So sorry.”

  I touched the older woman’s shoulder. “That’s okay, Lin.” I paused, my eyes gazing over her shoulder. “Is Mr. Macknight home already?” He was supposed to spend all day at the office closing some important business deal.

  Lin’s gaze drifted to the direction of his voice. “He come home half an hour ago. He very angry man today.”

  My stomach dropped. He’d been walking around lately like a volcano on the verge of exploding and I had feared when he’d snap. Was he angry with me or was it work-related? Was he sensing that I was emotionally pulling away? I was being so careful.

  Lin left me standing in the hall, my fists balled at my sides, my heart thumping
. After a long moment, I followed Lin into the kitchen to help her put away the groceries even though Jude would disapprove. But right now I needed something to distract me from the hard knot inside my stomach.

  “Leave us alone, Lin,” a deep voice filled the room and bounced off the walls.

  Both Lin and I whipped around to see Jude in the doorway, eyes blazing. Angry was not the right word. His eyes told me everything I needed to know. His rage had nothing to do with work.

  Lin’s glance flitted to my face.

  I breathed in. “It’s okay, Lin. We can finish up later.”

  “No,” Jude retorted. “Take the day off. We’ll see you in the morning.”

  “Yes, Mr. Macknight.” Lin untied her white apron. There was a slight tremble to her fingers.

  Jude stepped aside to let her walk through the door.

  As soon as she was gone, the air in the room thickened.

  In spite of the anger, Jude looked dashing as usual in a custom-made dark blue suit and powder blue shirt. Once upon a time, I had found a loose tie on him really sexy. Hard to believe that I had once found it impossible to keep my hands off him.

  “Hi,” I kissed his warm cheek, just the way I did when he came home every day from the office. “You’re home early.” Most days he arrived home late, waking me up for sex before he called it a day.

  “Cut the crap.” He jammed a hand into a trouser pocket and pulled out a small rectangular box. “What the fuck is this?” He tossed the box to the floor. It landed at the toe of one of my velvet peep toes.

  I lowered my gaze and my breath solidified. Shit. As panic rioted within me, I raised my gaze again and met his stormy eyes.

  “I asked you a question.” His eyes bore into mine until I had to blink. “What the fuck is that?”

  I let out a shaky breath. “Pill … it’s the pill.”

  “Let me get this straight.” His voice was calm, too calm. As if a storm were brewing. “Why the fuck are you taking the pill while we’re trying to get pregnant? Are you making a fool of me? Is that what you’re doing, Haley?”

  I’d never seen him this angry. The way he said my name, shooting it out of his mouth like a dart, chilled my spine. I had no choice. He had to know the truth. He loved me. He’d understand. “I’m not ready … to have a baby.”

  “Damn you,” he shouted. “We’ve been married for almost two bloody years. What do you need to be ready for?”

  How did he find the pills? I had hidden them so well. Jude rarely went into my walk-in wardrobe. Just to make sure, I’d even stuffed them into one of my boxes of tampons. What would he look for there? Unless he really did suspect I was unhappy and went on the search for proof. Did he hear me cry in my sleep? “You went through my things? Why?”

  “You have no right to ask me that question. This is my goddamn house. Now shut the fuck up and tell me what you’re doing taking the pill when you claim to want to get pregnant.”

  His harsh words sent my world spinning. Everything had changed. When had he started talking to me this way? “You’re not the same man I married. The man I fell in love with would never talk to me like this.”

  Jude’s expression grew tight. “You’re the one who’s changed, refusing to make love to me and lying to me.”

  “I get tired too, Jude. You ask for sex all the—”

  “Tired?” He laughed. “From what exactly? I’m the one who breaks my back trying to support you. How hard can it be to shop and have your hair and nails done every day?”

  I squared my shoulders and looked him straight in the eyes. “You know very well I don’t enjoy doing all that. I’d rather … I’d rather work. You made it clear you don’t want your wife working. You gave me no choice but to stay at home and do nothing.”

  “Yes, I did tell you not to work, because I love you, because I want the best for you. I want you to enjoy life. You should be grateful rather than talk shit.” He drew closer to me. “This is what’s going to happen from now on. You will stop taking the pill and we’ll make a baby as we planned. Now that you’ve betrayed me, things are going to change around here. You will no longer have access to the accounts. All your cards are now useless. If you want money, you ask me.” Before his words had the chance to sink in, he narrowed his eyes. “And you will no longer go anywhere alone. Nolan will accompany you everywhere. Get that? Betray me again and you’ll see what I’m capable of.”

  Jude was not only snatching away the last piece of freedom I had, he was making me completely, financially, dependent on him. “You can’t do that.” My lip trembled.

  “I can do anything I damn well please. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it.” He backed away from me and approached the kitchen door. But before leaving he turned around, his eyes still hot coals. “Don’t you ever lie to me again or you’ll be sorry.”

  When he left, I sank to the floor. He was right. He had total power over me, and there was absolutely no way out. Leaving him was not an option, it had never been. He had the weapons to destroy me if he chose to. The only thing to do was suffer silently. But a baby? A baby I wasn’t ready for? How would I be able to get out of that? There had to be a way. A baby was no option for me. Not now that he’d shown me a dark side to him, a side I never knew existed. Just as I had no choice but to stay with him, I had no choice but to continue lying to him. I just had to be more careful.

  I lay with my head resting against my knees as tears soaked my new jeans. A few moments passed before I heard footsteps on the marble floor. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand and raised my head.

  Jude was back and the anger in his eyes had subsided. He was a completely different person, almost resembling the man I had trusted and fallen in love with.

  He stretched out his hand and I hesitated but then reached for it. He pulled me to my feet and wiped my cheeks with his thumbs. Then he brushed his lips against my forehead. “Don’t cry, sweetheart. I don’t like seeing you like this. Come on, we have a gala to attend. Go and clean up and put that smile back on your beautiful face.” He ran a finger from my temple to my chin, which he tipped upward. He planted a tender kiss on my mouth. “I love you. Everything I do, I do for your own good.”

  I nodded. I was too confused to do anything else.

  “I promise to be the best father to our baby. And you’ll be an amazing mother.” He rested the palm of his hand on my stomach and I held my breath. “I want this baby because I love you so much. I want more of you. Don’t deny me that, okay?”

  One tear and then another trickled down my cheek as I nodded again. I cried for the man I used to know, the man I used to love until his love killed mine. Today he’d said some things that proved to me that there was no going back to what we had before. Ever. Not as long as he forced me to love him, to have a baby I didn’t want.

  “Forget the gala,” he said. “Go and pack. I’m taking you to Paris for the weekend.”

  Some girls would have swooned at the idea of flying across the globe to one of the most romantic cities in the world, but I’d had enough of those trips. Right now, what would make me happy would be the freedom to just sit back and relax, to take a long bath and read a book, to cook my own meals, to clean my own floors, to wash my own clothes, to walk around without someone looking over my shoulder. But if today had shown me anything, it was that my husband didn’t tolerate not having things his way.

  From now on, my life was not my own. I’d just blown the last bit of freedom I had.

  ***

  Paris was beautiful as usual. I’d been there at least seven times already, accompanying Jude to one of his meetings or events, and for romantic rendezvous. This time he tried extra hard to cheer me up and I did my best to force a smile, but my heart was breaking with each breath.

  We stayed at the Shangri-La Hotel, dined at Le Meurice, and he showered me with even more diamonds. As we walked the streets of Paris or sat in the backseat of a limousine, he held my hand the whole time and kissed me every chance he got.

&nb
sp; In our luxurious bedroom, believing he had succeeded at making me forgive him for speaking to me the way he had done yesterday, he peeled off my clingy gold sheath and laid me on the bed. He made love to me, slowly, carefully. After he came, I faked an orgasm so he would stop and roll off my body. I sighed inwardly and went into the bathroom to cry softly. Even in a luxury hotel, I felt trapped. An animal in a golden cage.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  I pulled myself up in bed and rested my head against the cushioned headboard, listening to the toilet flush in the master bathroom. When the door opened and Jude walked back in the room, still naked, I drew my knees to my body and wrapped my arms around them.

  Jude lifted the covers and slipped in beside me. “What’s up with all this sulking you’ve been doing lately? One would think you’re unhappy.”

  I bit my bottom lip. “I am, Jude. I—”

  “What the fuck do you have to be unhappy about? I love you, I give you everything. What more do you want?” He fixed me with a withering glance.

  I inhaled the smell of his cologne and bile rolled inside the pit of my stomach. “You can love me, Jude. Love me all you want.” I shook my head. “But please don’t control me. It’s humiliating being followed around or asking you for money for every little thing.” I yanked back the sheets and went to stand at the window, far from him just in case he lashed out.

  The trip to Paris two weeks ago was forgotten and I was back in a life I didn’t want, a life I was chained to by the secrets he kept on my behalf.

  “You brought that upon yourself. You betrayed me.” His voice was low now. He was on the verge of erupting again. He had been doing a lot of that lately. But as I watched his face, it softened, the hardness just a memory in the faint lines. “I love you, Haley. But I can’t trust you anymore.”