After I've Gone

by Linda Green

  ‘Are you on Facebook?’ I ask Jess.

  ‘Er, yeah. But I don’t really post much.’

  ‘You’ll be posting a photo of your ring, though, won’t you? And updating your status.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ she says, giving a sideways look at Lee. ‘I’ll probably just tell people myself. The important ones, anyway.’

  ‘Have you told your dad yet?’

  ‘No. I’m going to tell him in person later.’

  ‘I expect he’ll be thrilled.’

  She nods without saying anything.

  ‘Have you met him yet, Lee? Jess’s dad.’

  ‘Briefly, before we went away.’

  ‘I’ll have to invite him over here soon to discuss the wedding plans.’

  Jess looks down. I think she feels a bit overwhelmed by the whole thing. She is only young, after all. I was a good five years older than her when I got married. And even then, Mum did most of the organising. It’s then that I remember: she hasn’t got a mum to help her with it.

  ‘Now, don’t you go worrying about it all,’ I say. ‘I’m very happy to take on all the organising. I mean, it’s the least I can do in the circumstances.’

  They exchange looks again. I hope I haven’t overstepped the mark. I was simply trying to do the right thing.

  ‘Say if you’d rather I butt out,’ I continue. ‘I don’t want to put myself where I’m not wanted, but with so much to do, I expect you could do with a hand.’

  ‘Thanks. That would be great,’ she says, though she still sounds unsure.

  ‘Have you sorted a date yet?’ I ask Lee.

  ‘Give us a chance, I only proposed yesterday.’

  ‘Yes, but I know what you’re like. You don’t do owt on the spur of the moment. I bet you’ve got it all planned out.’

  ‘We want a summer wedding,’ he says.

  ‘This summer?’

  ‘Neither of us sees the point in waiting now we’ve made the decision. And it will be a civil ceremony, probably in a hotel or somewhere like that.’

  ‘Well, I’d better start looking for hats then, hadn’t I? And Jess, why don’t we go wedding dress shopping together?’

  ‘No, it’s OK. You don’t have to do that,’ she says. ‘I’ll go with my best friend.’

  ‘Best friends don’t always tell you what you need to hear,’ I say. ‘You need someone older, someone with a bit more experience.’

  Her mouth opens but nothing comes out. She looks across at Lee. I see him give a little nod.

  ‘Er, yeah. That would be great, thanks,’ she says.

  ‘Right, well, you let me know the first Saturday you’re free and I’ll draw up a list of shops and make appointments. We’ve got no time to lose.’

  I’m so glad she’s got me to do this with her. The thing is, I know Lee better than anyone. She may think she knows him, but she doesn’t. Not as well as his own mother, anyway. I know exactly the sort of look he’ll want. Classy and timeless. Think Grace Kelly, that’s what I’ll tell them in the shops. You can’t go wrong with Grace Kelly.

  We sit down and tuck into our Yorkshires as they tell me more about their holiday. Jess seems very taken with the hotel. I’m pretty sure it’s the same one he took Emma to, but I don’t say anything. I don’t want her thinking she’s second-hand goods. Anyway, there’s no point in bringing any of that up now. It’s water under the bridge. It’s Jess who matters now. Jess who is going to be my daughter-in-law. And, more importantly, the mother of my first grandchild.

  She eats well again. Though it doesn’t seem to make any difference to her size, which is good as far as the wedding dress is concerned. There’s nothing worse than seeing a bride squeezed into a dress that’s a size too small for her. I still don’t understand how that happens. My dress had to be taken in on the run-up to my big day. Pre-wedding nerves are very good for weight loss.

  ‘And did you get to the opera house, dear?’ I ask her. ‘Our Lee’s told me all about it. It sounds wonderful.’

  ‘Yep. It was so good I almost peed my pants.’ I put my fork down and look at her. ‘It’s a line from Pretty Woman,’ she adds quickly, when she sees my face.

  ‘Oh yes,’ I say. ‘I liked that one. Richard Gere was very charming, wasn’t he?’

  ‘Yeah, but his eyes are too small for his head,’ she replies.

  I glance at Lee. He is looking at her and smiling. She makes him laugh. That’s a good thing. He can be rather too intense sometimes. Hopefully she will be able to help with that.

  *

  ‘Right, we need to get going if Jess is to make it over to her dad’s,’ Lee says later that afternoon. ‘And she’s got to get ready for her big day tomorrow.’

  ‘Of course,’ I reply, turning to Jess. ‘I’d almost forgotten about your new job, what with all the excitement.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘So had I.’

  ‘Although fortunately I hadn’t,’ says Lee. ‘Which is why she’s got a whole new wardrobe for the occasion.’

  ‘Ooh, how lovely.’

  ‘I know,’ says Jess, gazing up at him. ‘He spoils me rotten.’

  ‘Well, it’s important to look the part,’ says Lee. ‘Though I still can’t persuade her to wear her hair up. Don’t you think Jess’d look great with her hair up, Mum?’

  ‘I’m sure she would, but it is a bit of a faff to do that every morning. Have it up for your wedding, Jess. I always think brides look lovely with their hair up.’

  She stares at me, her eyes almost popping out of her head. It’s odd how every now and again she seems to react rather strangely to something completely harmless.

  ‘Anyway,’ says Lee, standing up and kissing me on both cheeks. ‘We’re going to have to love you and leave you.’

  ‘Yes, you get off, love. You must be tired after all that travelling. And congratulations again, best news I’ve had in ages.’

  I kiss Jess and she thanks me for lunch. ‘I’ll have a ring round of the bridal shops,’ I say. ‘Get an idea of timings and that.’

  She nods, although she still appears rather stunned. Perhaps she’s just overwhelmed with it all.

  ‘And don’t you worry about a thing,’ I continue. ‘I’ll organise everything for you. All you need to do is turn up and look gorgeous.’

  ‘Jess always looks gorgeous,’ says Lee.

  ‘There you go then,’ I say. ‘All you need to do is turn up.’

  *

  Afterwards, when they have gone, it suddenly occurs to me that Lee might invite Simon to the wedding. I don’t think he will – as far as I know, they haven’t been in contact for years – but he could do. And that is enough to turn me cold inside. I’m not sure I could bear to see him again. To have him stand next to me in the wedding photos as if everything was fine between us. He was always very good at that, pretending everything was fine. Keeping up appearances, as they say. Everything was kept within these four walls.

  We’ve never really talked about what happened. Lee was a bit too young at the time, and it’s not something I’ve ever wanted to bring up since. I’m not sure how much he remembers or was even aware of. Probably more than I realise, but the past is best kept in the past. No point in dragging it all up now. We need to concentrate on the future. That’s all I am interested in. A future that involves a wedding and, hopefully, a family to follow. I don’t think they’ll wait long. In fact, I’m sure of it. When Lee sets his heart on something, nothing gets in his way. And he clearly wants Jess. Jess and everything that she can provide for him. It will be the making of him, becoming a father. He will not make the same mistakes as Simon. He is better than Simon. Always has been and always will be.

  PRIVATE MESSAGE

  Sadie Ward

  13/09/2017 10:45am

  The police have been in touch. They’ve said Lee’s ex-girlfriend has come forw
ard and made an allegation. It sounds pretty serious. They’ve interviewed her and she’s told them about a possible witness, who they’re going to interview. Obviously, none of it is about your case, but the thing is it’s not just me anymore. Other people are saying the same thing. It means they’re taking it seriously now. They’re not just going to sweep the whole thing under the carpet. I’ll not give up fighting, Jess. I don’t care if I make myself unpopular – I’ve got to make sure the truth comes out.

  I know it’s going to upset your dad, but it’s for the best, I wouldn’t do it otherwise. He’s too nice, your dad. Always sees the best in people. That’s why Lee won him round. I’m not going to say anything in public on here, because I know he’ll see it, but I’m sure the police will contact him at some point. They’re on to it now. The detective who called me, a Scottish woman, was dead serious about this, I could tell that. Not like the guy who took my statement, who didn’t want to know. She’s going to leave no stone unturned. That’s what she told me. I’ll keep fighting, Jess. For you and for Harrison. That’s what best friends do.

  Jess

  Sunday, 13 March 2016

  I put my phone away as Lee comes back to the car after paying for the petrol. My hands are still shaking. It’s the first time I’ve checked Facebook since we went on holiday and I’m already regretting it. It can’t be true. I can’t believe Lee would attack a girlfriend. He’s been nothing but kind and considerate to me: holding my hand when I was nervous on the plane, complimenting me, buying me all those clothes. But I also know how he reacted to that waitress at the hotel. I saw the flash of temper, the darkness in his eyes. She was scared of him. He is clearly capable of scaring other women. Maybe he snapped, maybe he went too far. There’s a big difference between shouting at someone and attacking them, though. And I still don’t think Lee would hurt anyone. Perhaps the ex-girlfriend is exaggerating. Maybe she’s jealous that he married me and not her, and Sadie has stirred this whole thing up by going to the police and now they’re digging for dirt on him. It’s easy to find dirt when you’re looking for it. We’ve all done things we regret. Things we wouldn’t want anyone else to know about.

  ‘You OK?’ Lee asks as he gets back in. I’m aware that I’m sitting rigidly clenching my hands, my knuckles white.

  ‘Yeah, just a bit nervous about telling my dad.’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come in with you?’

  ‘I think it’s better if I tell him on my own.’

  ‘Because you reckon he’s going to go apeshit?’

  ‘He won’t be expecting it, that’s all. He’ll say we’re rushing into it.’

  ‘If you want to put the wedding back to next year, I don’t mind. Not if it makes it easier for you.’

  I shake my head, thinking of Harrison. He must have been conceived just after we got married. Lee’s still using condoms. I guess he must only stop using them once we’re married. If we put the wedding back, there will be no Harrison before I die. Our son will not exist. Nothing is worth that.

  ‘Thanks, but no. I want to do it in July, like we agreed. Everyone else is just going to have to get used to the idea.’

  ‘Well, if you need backup, let me know. And if your dad wants to meet me properly, that’s fine by me. I can have a man-to-man talk with him. Assure him of my good intentions.’

  I glance at him with raised eyebrows.

  ‘Hey, cheeky.’ Lee smiles as he pulls away. ‘I’m ideal son-in-law material, me. Clean-cut, solvent, butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth.’

  I clench my hands tighter and look out of the window, trying not to think about Sadie’s post.

  *

  Dad gives me a massive hug as soon as I walk through the door.

  ‘Hey, the wanderer returns. How was Venice?’ He is like some daft Labrador who has been left home alone and now finds his owner has returned. It is almost painful to watch, especially bearing in mind what I am about to tell him.

  ‘Amazing. It’s so beautiful.’

  He goes to shut the door. ‘Has Lee gone?’

  ‘Yeah. We’re both pretty shattered to be honest. Think he wanted to get back home.’

  ‘How about a hot chocolate to welcome you home?’

  ‘That would be great, thanks,’ I say, sitting down at the kitchen table.

  ‘So, did you do all the touristy stuff then?’

  ‘Yep. Lee took me pretty much everywhere. Rialto Bridge, the opera house and the top of that tower thingy in St Mark’s Square.’

  ‘The Campanile,’ he replies. ‘And the opera house is called the Teatro La Fenice.’ He says it in his best Italian accent, which makes me smile.

  ‘Whatever,’ I say. ‘We had a fantastic time.’

  ‘That’s great,’ he says, pouring the milk into the saucepan. I’m keeping my left hand under the table because I want to tell him before he sees the ring. Now seems as good a time as any.

  ‘Actually,’ I go on, ‘I’ve got some news for you.’

  Dad turns around. I realise my best hope is that he thinks I’m up the duff, in which case the wedding will come as something of a relief.

  ‘Lee proposed to me,’ I say, taking my hand out and holding it out to him. If he is relieved about me not being pregnant, he doesn’t show it. The expression on his face suggests he wasn’t expecting this at all.

  ‘You’re getting married?’ he says, his face twisting into some strange contortion.

  ‘I know it probably seems a bit fast, but I love him, Dad, and he loves me. It’s the real deal. I’m sure of it.’

  ‘Everyone always thinks it is, Jess.’

  ‘You said you liked him, Dad.’

  ‘I did. I do. Though I’ve hardly met him.’

  ‘So what’s the problem?’

  He turns the milk off and slowly pours it into my mug, whisking as he goes.

  ‘The problem,’ he says, turning and handing the hot chocolate to me, ‘is that I love you so much – I don’t want to see you get hurt.’

  ‘So – what? I never go out with anyone in case they dump me?’

  ‘No. But like you said, it is a bit quick.’

  ‘Some people wait for years and they still get it wrong. Look at Auntie Sarah.’

  ‘Yes, I know,’ he says, sitting down opposite me. ‘But that wasn’t her fault. She didn’t know he was going to go off with someone else within a year of them getting married, did she?’

  ‘No, and she’d been with him for nine years. That’s my point. You never really know someone, do you?’

  ‘Maybe not, but you’ve got a better chance of getting through things if you’ve got a few years behind you.’

  I thump the table. Dad almost jumps in surprise. I want to scream at him that I don’t have a few years. That it’s now or never for me.

  ‘Listen, I don’t want to screw up my life any more than you want me to, but you’ve got to let me live it. That’s what Mum said to me, before she died. She said I had to be true to myself and live the life I’d always dreamed of.’

  It’s low, quoting Mum, I know that. But I have to pull out all the stops to get Dad on board. I want him to be happy about this. I think it will make it easier for him afterwards.

  Dad’s eyes are doing that Bambi thing. He stands up and comes over to me and hugs my head to his chest. ‘And she was right, of course. Your mother was always right. It’s just hard letting go of my little girl.’

  I stand up and give him a proper hug, wiping my tears on the shoulder of his cardigan. ‘I’m never going to stop being your daughter.’

  ‘And I’m never going to stop worrying about you. I couldn’t bear to see you hurt again.’

  I can’t help the sob that comes out this time. Dad reaches over to the kitchen counter and passes me a tissue from the box.

  ‘Are you sure about him, Jess? You’ve not just been swept off
your feet by a good-looking guy with a fancy job and a nice car?’

  I shake my head. ‘Come on, you know me better than that.’

  ‘He has bought you a lot of things. And taken you on a very expensive holiday.’

  ‘Yeah, but that’s not why I’m marrying him, is it? Prince fucking Harry could ask me to marry him and I’d say no – because I don’t love him and he’s got ginger hair.’

  Dad smiles and wipes a tear from the corner of his eye.

  ‘Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Lee’s the one. No one’s ever treated me like he does. Made me feel so special.’

  Dad nods slowly. ‘Have you set a date then?’

  ‘July.’

  ‘This year?’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘You’re not—’

  ‘No. I told you, he’s responsible. We just don’t see any point in hanging around.’

  Dad is silent for a moment. I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to work out what Mum would have said at this point.

  ‘Well, let me know what you need. I mean, I’ll pay for it all, obviously.’

  ‘You don’t have to do that. Lee’s going to pay for it.’

  ‘It’s supposed to be the father of the bride.’

  ‘Dad, that is a bit last century, you know.’

  ‘What? A man can’t pay for his own daughter’s wedding anymore?’

  ‘It just makes sense. Lee earns a lot more than you do. And it’ll cost a fair whack.’

  ‘So it’s not going to be at the church down the road?’

  ‘Nope. Lee wants to hire a hotel somewhere around Leeds. Angela’s going to help organise it.’

  Dad looks as if he’s been kicked in the teeth.

  ‘She offered because Mum’s not around to do it. I didn’t want to offend her by saying no.’

  ‘Sure.’

  ‘Maybe you can sort out the catering for us? Help put together a menu or something?’

  He walks over to the sink and begins to rinse out the milk pan. I know he’s hurting but I don’t know what more I can say.

  ‘Anyway. I’d better go up and get myself sorted out for tomorrow.’