After I've Gone

by Linda Green

  The curtain of the changing room is drawn back and Jess steps out. I actually gasp when I see her, she looks that beautiful. The dress fits perfectly – she could have been sewn into it. And she really does have such pretty shoulders.

  ‘Oh, Jess,’ I say. ‘You look absolutely wonderful. I’m so glad you ended up with that one in the end.’

  She manages a little smile. It is one of the things I like best about her, that she appears to have no idea how attractive she actually is. I never got that impression with Emma. But then I don’t suppose you end up as an actress if you’re low on self-confidence.

  Julia fusses about her for a moment or two, tweaking the sash and adjusting the skirt, before standing back and sighing.

  ‘I have to agree with Angela. It really is perfect for you. And once you have your hair up, the tiara will top things off beautifully.’

  The tiara had been Julia’s idea. Jess had gone along with it, though with what appeared to be an air of resignation.

  ‘And we’re doing a hair and make-up practice on Wednesday with the stylist you recommended,’ I tell her.

  ‘Goodness, won’t you look a treat. You have one very lucky young man.’ Julia smiles.

  ‘Oh, don’t worry, he knows it,’ I say. ‘And I shan’t let him forget it. It’s the first rule of being a mother-in-law, make sure your son treats his wife as you would want to be treated.’

  I look down and shuffle my feet, aware that my own words are making me feel uncomfortable.

  ‘Can I take it off now?’ asks Jess.

  ‘Yes, that’s fine. Let me come and give you a hand.’

  Julia reappears from the changing room after a couple of minutes and comes up to me. ‘I think she could do with some quality ivory stockings,’ she whispers. ‘I did ask her to bring some for today but she appears to have forgotten.’

  ‘Thank you,’ I say. ‘Leave it with me.’ I get out my piece of paper and add it to the list. I will take her to the lingerie section of one of the department stores afterwards. The poor girl probably isn’t thinking straight at the moment.

  She emerges from the changing rooms, still looking in a bit of a daze.

  ‘You’re in no rush to get back, are you?’ I ask.

  She shakes her head. ‘Lee has gone on his stag weekend. He’s flying to Dublin about now. I did ask Jess if she wanted me to organise a hen weekend for her but she didn’t seem keen. Said she’d probably just go for a night out with Sadie.

  ‘Right. Well, let me take you for elevenses and then we’ll pop into the shops and get a few last-minute bits. I’ve told Julia we’ll pick up the dress on the way back.’

  ‘OK,’ she says.

  We go to the same cafe as last time and she orders a chocolate brownie and a hot chocolate again.

  ‘I do wish you’d tell me your secret, Jess,’ I say as she tucks in. ‘I’d only have to look at that and I’d put on a couple of pounds. You must be burning it off with lots of nervous energy or something.’

  She looks down at her hands. I can’t help feeling she’s a bit tense today.

  ‘Are you OK, love? A bit of pre-wedding nerves creeping in?’

  She shrugs. ‘I guess so. I can’t quite believe I’m getting married next week.’

  ‘Well, that’s understandable. As long as it’s just that and nothing Lee’s said or done.’

  She looks up, her eyes boring into me. It’s the first time she has made me feel uncomfortable. It is almost as if she suspects me of holding something back.

  ‘He’s a good man, Jess. He’ll take good care of you.’

  She fiddles with her ring and looks out of the window, blinking hard.

  ‘Is your dad looking forward to it?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah. Though it’ll be tough for him afterwards, being on his own and that.’

  ‘He’ll be fine. I found it hard when Lee flew the nest, but you get used to it. And it’s not like you’ll be far away. And you never know, it might not be long before he’s got a new addition to the family to welcome.’

  She puts her mug down with a clatter on the table and stares at me.

  It suddenly occurs to me that the reason she’s so quiet might be because she’s keeping something to herself.

  ‘You’re not . . . I mean, there’s nothing you need to tell me?’

  ‘No. No, of course not.’

  ‘That’s fine, just thought I’d better check. It wouldn’t have been a problem, of course. Not for me, anyway. And I’m sure not for Lee, either. You know how keen he is to start a family.’

  She looks down again, shifts a little in her seat.

  ‘And when the time comes,’ I continue, ‘I don’t want you worrying about having to cope on your own. I’ll be round every day to give you a hand. All those sleepless nights can take their toll, you know. I’ll do the washing or take the baby out for a walk, whatever I can to give you a break.’

  Jess gets to her feet. ‘Excuse me,’ she mumbles, before hurrying off towards the ladies. I hadn’t expected her to be like this. She’s never struck me as the sensitive kind. I expect it’s simply the pressure of the whole thing getting to her. I wonder if I should go after her, but think better of it. I really don’t know her well enough for that.

  I drink my coffee and get out my phone. I send a text to Lee.

  Jess looks a treat in the dress. Have a good time and behave yourself! X

  He will do. He knows where to draw the line. He won’t spoil anything now. And it’s not like he’s gone with a big group of young lads. Only three of them from work, and the others are all older than him. I daresay there’ll be a fair few pints of Guinness downed but nothing worse than that.

  Jess comes back out after a few minutes. She looks like she’s been crying.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say as she sits down. ‘There’s you with the jitters about next Saturday and I’m going on about babies and the like. I must sound like I’m wishing your life away.’

  She looks up at me with wide, staring eyes. ‘I think I’m going to catch the train home,’ she says after a moment. ‘I’m not feeling too good.’

  ‘What about the dress?’

  ‘Would you mind collecting it and taking it home with you in the car? I’ll get it from you at the rehearsal on Thursday. It’ll be easier than taking it on the train anyway.’

  ‘Yes. Yes, of course. No trouble at all. Are you sure you’re feeling well enough to walk? I can drop you off at the station, if you like.’

  ‘I’m fine, thanks,’ she says, putting on her jacket and picking up her backpack. ‘I think the fresh air will do me good.’

  *

  I hang the dress up on the outside of the wardrobe in the spare room when I get home. It is nice to have it in the house, actually. Makes the whole thing seem real. I’ve managed to keep myself busy with all the arrangements, but most of it has been done online or over the phone. Now I’ve got the dress here, it feels like it’s actually happening. I put my hand inside the plastic cover and stroke the skirt, remembering the excitement I felt on my big day. How I was so full of hopes and dreams for the future. And trying not to think about what came afterwards.

  I sigh. At least it won’t be long now. Lee will waste no time at all once they’re married. And she’s so young, she’ll probably get pregnant straight away – it’s not like she’s one of these women in her thirties with her eggs dwindling by the day.

  I kneel down next to the bed and pull open the bottom drawer. It is rather more crowded than it was. Since they announced the engagement I haven’t seen any reason to hold back.

  I take out the little cream and beige sleeping bag. Apparently, no one bothers with cot blankets anymore. I got three of them, identical. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of nights when the baby will be sleeping here and I want to make sure I have everything ready for grandma duty. I shall be one of those hands-on
grandmothers. That’s the beauty of living so close to them. I can pop by any time and take the baby off her hands for a while, give her a well-deserved break. And they can have date nights, like couples do these days, without having to worry about waking the baby when they get home. I’ll get the crib later, once the pregnancy has been confirmed. Just in case she’s a bit funny about things like that. I wouldn’t want her seeing it and feeling under any pressure.

  And the good thing about her not having a mother around is that there won’t be any interfering from her family’s end. I mean, her father’s hardly going to want to be knee-deep in nappies, is he?

  No. My first grandchild really will be all my own. He or she will want for nothing. And, once it is here, I will want for nothing either. It will be a happy family home, like it once was, a long time ago. Before he tore the whole thing apart.

  Jess

  Saturday, 2 July 2016

  Sadie is organising the hen night. I wasn’t going to bother with one, but when I told her Lee was going away for a stag weekend she insisted. I agreed on one condition: that it was just me and her. And definitely no Angela.

  The invitation, which she’d emailed, had simply said to arrive at hers at 7.30 p.m. – ‘dressed to impress’ and with an overnight bag.

  It feels weird, walking round to Sadie’s house, like I’ve regressed to being fourteen again. Jessadie is back, although probably for one night only. I ring the doorbell and, shortly afterwards, hear footsteps charging down the stairs. Her mum always used to call her a fairy elephant. In an affectionate way, of course.

  Sadie throws open the door, wearing what appears to be a chicken onesie.

  ‘Sadie!’ I say. ‘Here I am on time for once and you’re not even dressed.’

  ‘Ahh, that’s where you’re wrong. This is what I’m wearing.’

  ‘Very funny. Can I remind you it said “dress to impress”.’

  ‘That was a decoy. Believe me, I am dressed entirely appropriately.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘Come upstairs and I’ll show you.’

  I follow her upstairs, feeling a bit pissed off that I have gone to the trouble of getting done up for no reason. She opens the door of her bedroom. Inside there is a pile of pillows and cushions spread over her bed and the floor. The curtains are drawn and the lamps are on. On the bedside table is the biggest supply of popcorn and chocolate I have ever seen, with a bottle of wine and two glasses. And in front of the curtains is a giant projector screen, linked to a laptop.

  I turn to look at Sadie and grin. ‘Our own private cinema.’

  ‘Yep,’ she said. ‘Just what you always wanted.’

  She is right, as well. We used to talk about it all the time, searching Rightmove for houses with a home cinema.

  ‘It’s brilliant,’ I say, my voice catching. ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Well. I couldn’t run to hiring the screen at work as the tight bastards wouldn’t give me much of a discount, so this was the next best thing. One of Dad’s friends lent me the screen. You’ll need to get changed, of course. Here.’

  She hands me a large gift bag. Inside is a chicken onesie just like hers.

  ‘Have a look at the back,’ she says.

  I do as I am told. It says ‘Jess’s hen night, July 2016’. Underneath there is a big heart with ‘J. M. loves L. G.’, with stupid arrows through it, like we used to do on our pencil cases at school. She got that done. Despite how she feels about Lee, she did it for me. I feel such a cow for hating her future self. I go over and give her a hug.

  ‘Thank you. It’s perfect. All of it.’

  ‘Good. I figured it was our last chance to have a proper girls’ night in. You’re sleeping over as well. We’ve got a fair few films to get through.’

  She points towards the pile of DVDs on the floor. I can see at least two Harry Potters and Pretty Woman in there. ‘Starting with this one,’ she says, holding up a copy of Chicken Run.

  ‘Oh my god, I love Ginger the chicken.’

  ‘Yep, perfect hen night material. And we’ve got a pizza delivery coming soon. Plus, I promise not to make you scramble on the floor to clean up the popcorn afterwards.’

  I grin and give her another hug.

  ‘I’m going to miss you so much,’ she says.

  I swallow hard. She has no idea just how much she will miss me.

  ‘Hey, I’m only getting married, not emigrating.’

  ‘I know. But it won’t be the same, will it? I already miss you at work and on the train. Now I’m going to see you even less with you living in Leeds.’

  ‘We can still meet up at lunchtimes.’

  ‘I know. But like I said, it won’t be the same.’

  I get changed into my onesie while Sadie gets the first DVD set up.

  ‘Fucking hell,’ she says, when she turns to see me.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You even manage to look sexy in a chicken onesie. I really do hate you.’

  ‘Maybe I should take it on honeymoon.’

  ‘Ew,’ she says, screwing her face up.

  ‘What now?’

  ‘You going on honeymoon. That sounds even weirder than you getting married.’

  I shrug. ‘I guess it’s been a weird year.’

  Sadie looks sideways at me as we plonk ourselves down on the bed and the opening credits of Chicken Run come on. ‘Did you ever see any more of those Facebook posts?’ she asks.

  I notice she says ‘see’, as if it was something that only existed inside my head.

  ‘I haven’t been on Facebook for ages,’ I reply.

  She passes me the popcorn.

  ‘I was worried for a bit,’ she says. ‘I thought the whole thing might be starting up again.’

  ‘It just threw me, that’s all.’

  ‘You do know that can’t happen? That people can’t send posts from the future.’

  She is testing me. Trying to work out my state of mind without directly accusing me of anything. I take another handful of popcorn and watch Ginger’s latest escape bid from the chicken farm being thwarted before I answer.

  ‘Yeah, course I do.’

  ‘So you have all the time in the world to get married if you really want to. You don’t have to rush into anything.’

  ‘What is this? The is-my-friend-mentally-unstable questionnaire? Only I think you might have missed out number five.’

  ‘Hey, come on. I’m just looking out for you.’

  ‘Well you don’t need to, OK? I’m fine. I know what I’m doing.’

  It’s not true, of course. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing anymore. All I know is that I have to go through with it, for H’s sake.

  It is later, much later, when the pizza has been and gone and we are one Harry Potter film down and halfway through Pretty Woman, that Sadie turns to me and says, ‘You were right, you know. I was jealous. Just a little bit. I always knew you were Vivian and I was Kit, but I guess I never thought Edward would actually come along until Lee asked you out.’

  ‘You’re way better than Kit.’

  ‘I like Kit.’

  ‘I know. I do too. But you’re still way better than her. She may have had potential but you’re the real article.’

  ‘Just tell me Lee’s not turning up in a white limo on Saturday and shimmying up the drainpipe to get you.’

  I smile and shake my head.

  ‘And tell him he’d better look after you properly because he’ll have me to answer to if he doesn’t. He has no idea how mad I will get if he ever hurts you.’

  I throw my arms around her, tears streaming down my face. He may not, but I certainly do.

  *

  The hotel looks even bigger than I remembered. To be honest, I don’t really see why we need a rehearsal. You don’t rehearse for any of life’s other big events, do you? You
r death, for instance. What’s so important about your wedding day that it must go precisely to plan? Surely it’s what happens afterwards that’s more important?

  Anyway, Angela said we had to do it. Like Angela said the hotel was ideally situated between Leeds and the airport. And that the rooms were tastefully decorated and spacious. Personally, I think Angela might have swallowed the hotel website whole, but who am I to question her?

  ‘Wow, impressive,’ remarks Dad as we get out of the car.

  ‘Yeah,’ I reply. ‘I guess it is.’

  ‘Don’t you like it?’ he asks.

  ‘I’d have been happy with the registry office, to be honest.’

  ‘So why did you agree to it?’

  ‘I didn’t. She’d already booked it when she first showed me.’

  Dad sighs and makes a face. ‘You can say no to her, you know.’

  ‘I have done, on quite a few things. This just wasn’t one I was bothered enough to argue about.’

  We walk past the tree with the twisty stump that’s in the background of the wedding photograph on Facebook. I recognised it the first time we came here. It was too late then to do anything about it; Lee had already paid the deposit. And bearing in mind what happened with the dress, I suspected that if I had gone out and booked a new venue, it would have burnt down overnight.

  Lee and Angela are already in the hotel reception. Angela has a notebook and pen in her hand. Lee comes over and kisses me, and I think of Harrison as he does so. Think of what an amazing father Lee is going to be to him.

  ‘Good to see you again, Joe,’ Lee says, shaking Dad’s hand. ‘I’ve just been reading your menu. Sounds amazing.’

  ‘Thanks. Let’s hope it tastes great,’ says Dad. ‘Otherwise there will be words.’

  ‘Are you the Gordon Ramsay of West Yorkshire?’ asks Lee.

  ‘No, he’s a big softie,’ I reply. ‘He doesn’t even shout, let alone swear.’