Dear Agony

by Georgia Cates

  He doesn’t just not love it. He’s asking me to abort it. I don’t understand how he can want to kill our child.

  It came as a huge blow for him. I get it. It was a shock to me too when I found out, but a little time and I was okay with it. Maybe he just needs a little space and time too.

  God, I’m nauseated. I have been since my argument with Bastien last night. That was hours ago. I thought lying still and keeping my eyes closed would help. It hasn’t.

  I dash from the bed to the bathroom, barely making it to the toilet before I spew. I’m not an elegant or quiet vomiter—as if there is such a thing—so I’m not surprised when Bastien appears in the doorway to check on me.

  “You all right?”

  I dry heave several times and spit. “No. I’m not all right. Not even a little bit.”

  He wets a washcloth with cold water and wraps it around the back of my neck. “I guess this is what they call morning sickness?”

  “I don’t think so. I’ve been nauseated all night.”

  “I didn’t hear you getting sick during the night.” Does that mean he stayed awake after I left his bed? Maybe rethinking his decision?

  “Didn’t throw up until now.”

  “Guess you don’t want breakfast?”

  “Hell, no.” I can’t even think about putting food in my mouth.

  “Stay home today.”

  I hate giving Wendy a reason to talk smack about me, but I really don’t feel well. I’m not sure I could get up from my porcelain-god-worshipping position to get ready for work right now anyway. “I’ll come in after this passes.”

  “It’s okay. You don’t have to.” Does he already not want me around him? Am I losing my job too?

  I lean my head against the wall. “I guess my boss won’t fire me for taking one sick day.” Especially since he’s the one who knocked me up.

  “I’ve always heard crackers help. Want me to go out and get some for you?”

  His kind offer pisses me off. I almost rather he act like a bastard to keep things consistent. “I hate for you to go out just for crackers.”

  “You know I will.”

  He’s being very sweet for someone who told me last night to get an abortion. “I know you will but I don’t think I could keep a cracker down anyway. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be okay.”

  Turns out I’m not okay. The nausea progressively worsens over the next several days. “How long has it been since you kept anything on your stomach?”

  “I don’t know.” The hours and days have run together.

  “This has been going on a long time. You need to call your doctor.”

  “I’m too sick to lift my head. Will you call for me?”

  Bastien rubs his hand over his scruff. “Yeah.”

  He’s annoyed. I hear it in his voice. I guess calling my OB-GYN on my behalf classifies as getting involved in the pregnancy.

  He leaves my bedroom and returns several minutes later. “Your doctor wants you to come in for evaluation. I’m calling Vale to take you.”

  I love Vale. She’s like a mom to me, but I want Bastien by my side. I need him. “Please, Bash. Can you come? I want you to go with me.”

  “Rose, I can’t. This pregnancy is making you miserable. I want to help you feel better, but I can’t go to the hospital with you. I can’t get sucked into talking about this baby like it’s a wonderful thing. I don’t want to see it when they do ultrasounds. I don’t want to hear its heartbeat. I can’t be any part of it.”

  “Because you’re terrified you’ll feel something for your son or daughter?”

  No reply.

  My eyes sting but no tears come. “Do whatever you’ve gotta do to stay disconnected. If that means turning your back on me when I’m at my lowest, then go ahead and do it. That’s what I’m used to from the people in my life anyway.”

  “That’s not fair.”

  Bastien is turning his back on me after everything we’ve been through, and he’s telling me I’m not being fair to him? Give me a freaking break.

  “I’ve been your companion for fifteen months. Basically your wife minus your last name and the legalities that go along with it. You get me pregnant and abandon me when I refuse to kill our child. Tell me who’s being unfair.”

  I strain to sit up and get out of the bed.

  “Stop. What do you think you’re doing?”

  I haven’t bathed in days. “I’m not going to the hospital without a shower.”

  “You can barely hold up your head. How are you going to take a shower?”

  “I don’t know but I’ll manage.” Wouldn’t be the first time I took care of myself without any help.

  I put my feet on the floor and sit on the edge of the bed. My head is spinning and I literally feel like I don’t have the energy to stand. I close my eyes because the revolving room makes me feel like I need to yack again. “Oh, God. I feel horrible.”

  I breathe in and out deeply, willing my stomach to not wretch again. My whole abdomen is so sore. “Please. Please. Please,” I plead beneath my breath.

  One minute. Two minutes. Just sit, Rose. “Okay. I’m doing this.”

  I rise from the bed to stand and take three steps before blackness and stars fill my vision.

  “Rose? Look at me, baby.”

  I hear Bastien’s panicked voice but I can’t see him or respond.

  “Say something to me.”

  I want to but a soft moan is all I’m able to squeeze out of my throat.

  And then there’s nothing but blackness.

  ***

  I wake in a dim room. Three walls and a curtain. Looks like the hospital, but not a regular patient room. Maybe I’m where they examine or observe patients.

  The top of my hand aches. It’s so cold. And I understand why when I see fluids running into it through an IV.

  “Hey, girlie.” Vale gets out of her chair and comes to stand at my bedside. She takes my free hand in hers and rubs the top. “How do you feel?”

  I’m happy to wake to Vale by my side but devastated because Bastien isn’t here.

  “Very weak.” My throat is so dry when I speak. My words are but a hoarse whisper.

  “The doctor said you’re severely dehydrated and your electrolytes are out of balance. You’re going to need several bags of IV fluid to correct the problem.”

  “I don’t feel nauseated.” That’s a first in . . . I don’t even know how many days. Such a relief my gut isn’t wrenching.

  “They’re giving you medicine through your IV for that.”

  “Thank God.” Maybe I’d have called the doctor sooner if I’d known I could take medication for the nausea. I figured I couldn’t have anything since I was pregnant.

  “The doctor thinks you have some kind of virus.”

  “I wondered. I’ve never heard of anyone being that sick with a pregnancy.”

  I look at the second empty chair in the room. “He’s here. Just stepped out to take a call from the office. He didn’t want to disturb you.”

  I’m surprised he came. “He told me you’d bring me.”

  “Maybe, but that was before you passed out in his arms when you tried to get up.”

  “It’s all a bit fuzzy.”

  “You scared the shit out of him.”

  Good. “That’s surprising to hear, considering his reaction to learning about the pregnancy.”

  I wonder if he and Vale have discussed the baby while I’ve been sleeping. They’re best friends. It would be hard for me to believe they didn’t.

  “B cares, Rose. More than you know. He loves you with all his heart.”

  “He loves me so much that he wants me to kill the life we created together. That in no way feels like love to me.”

  “I’m confident he’s going to come around.”

  “You really believe that?”

  “I do. One hundred percent.” Vale’s faith in Bastien is unshakable. Mine was too until I told him about the baby. And I don’t know who he is anymore. The
man I know and love would be by my side comforting me.

  “I’d love to believe that but you didn’t hear the things he said.” My eyes sting when I recall his ultimatum. “He’s making me choose between him and our child. What kind of man does that?”

  “Rose, a man’s psyche is different from a woman’s. He needs more time than you to sort out his feelings and get his priorities in order. Be patient with him.”

  Vale could be right. Even though he said he wouldn’t come to the hospital, he’s here. His presence isn’t much but it’s something. Better than him being at home or at work while I’m lying in a hospital bed.

  “Has the doctor checked on the baby?”

  “He ordered an ultrasound. Said he wanted to confirm a heartbeat. They should be in to do it anytime.”

  Confirm a heartbeat? “Does he think I lost the baby?”

  “Don’t worry. The doctor’s just being cautious. That’s all.”

  “Bastien doesn’t want to see the baby or hear its heartbeat. Will you stay with me while they do the ultrasound? If they tell me I’ve lost the baby . . . Vale—” I can’t form the rest of the words.

  “Of course. I want to see my little angel.”

  “There won’t be much to see. It’s just a little white dot on the screen.”

  “Well, I bet it’s the most beautiful little white dot ever.”

  “It is.” It’s my little white dot and I already love it so much.

  There’s a quick knock and a woman pushing an ultrasound machine enters my room. “Miss Middleton?”

  “That’s me.”

  The tech introduces herself and tells me everything she’s going to do. I’m just as frightened as I was during my first scan but this time it’s for an entirely different reason. I’m terrified my little peanut is no longer with me.

  “I’m going to try your abdomen first. It’s been several days since your last scan. You’re six weeks and one day now, so it’s possible we’ll be able to see it abdominally without doing the vaginal probe.”

  “I don’t mind. I’ll do anything you need me to do.” I will stand on my head if it helps.

  “We’ll try this first.” She places the wand on my belly, rocking it back and forth, while pressing against my stomach.

  I glance over when I see something move outside the curtain and recognize Bastien’s feet.

  The tech presses harder and I groan. “I’m sorry. I can’t find anything in the uterus with the external wand.”

  My heart sinks. “Did I lose the baby?”

  “We’re going to look with the probe.”

  That isn’t a no. “Oh, God. Vale, I’m scared.”

  “Honey, she’s going to look again.”

  I immediately question everything I’ve done the last four days. “I didn’t know I had a virus. I thought it was morning sickness. I should have come to the hospital sooner.”

  “Calm down. Take some slow, deep breaths.”

  “But it’s all my fault if I’ve lost the baby.”

  “Give her a minute to look before you jump to conclusions.”

  I let my legs fall apart and she inserts the probe. I don’t even think about how much pressure it is this time. All I care about is knowing my baby is okay.

  She presses a few buttons on the machine and a loud gallop fills the room. “There we go. He just wanted to play hide and seek with us for a minute.”

  Vale gasps. “Oh my God, Rose. Listen to that. It’s your baby’s heartbeat.”

  Nothing describes the relief I feel wash over me. “Most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.”

  The sound stops and the tech pushes the probe deeper. “A few quick measurements and we’ll be done.”

  Bastien’s feet haven’t moved. Why? Why is he still there?

  I wonder if he’s disappointed I didn’t lose the baby. If he is, he better not say any such thing to me or I will hate him forever. I never knew you could love and hate someone so fiercely both at the same time.

  The tech finishes my scan and gives me more pictures. “Radiology will send a report over to Dr. Reynolds. Hope you’re feeling better soon.”

  “Thank you.”

  Vale holds out her hand for the pictures. “I already adore this baby. He’s a combination of the two people I love most on this earth. I’m going to spoil him rotten.”

  “You called it a him. It could be a her.”

  She studies the printout. “I picture a boy for some reason. Maybe because I felt certain my baby was a boy.”

  I’d love to give Bastien a son to carry on his name but I’d be happy with either. “I just want it to be healthy.”

  “I’m so happy I was here to see and hear that little angel.”

  “Thank you for staying. I didn’t want to be alone again. Especially if the news was bad.”

  “Well, the news wasn’t bad. You have a little fighter in there.”

  I point to Bastien’s feet and Vale smiles. “I think I’m going to step out and stretch my legs a minute. Can I get you anything?”

  “I’m fine, thank you.”

  I close my eyes and rest my head against the pillow. I’m startled when I hear the chair next to my bed scoot across the floor. I didn’t expect him to come in to sit with me. He was very adamant about having no part of this. Seems like being in my presence would violate those terms.

  Bastien is leaning forward with his forearms resting on his thighs, looking at the floor.

  “I didn’t lose the baby.”

  “I heard.” Two words. That’s all I get from him about his child’s life.

  “I’m sorry if that disappoints you. I know it would have made your life a lot easier if I had lost it.”

  No reply.

  No argument.

  No happiness.

  His silence screams what I hate to acknowledge. He would have been happier if the baby was gone.

  “I know you don’t want to be here so just go.”

  “Rose . . .”

  I wait to hear what will follow my name. Pray he tells me he was wrong and has changed his mind. Desperate to hear him say he wants our baby and me. But no words come.

  I’m losing the companion I’ve come to love so dearly. My best friend. In a sense, my husband. The father of my child.

  The barbed wire around my heart sprouts a new layer like an out-of-control vine feeding from the harsh coldness inside my chest.

  I cup my hand over my eyes so I don’t have to watch him walk away. “Just go. I’m releasing you. You’re free to leave.”

  And he does—without a single word.

  Breaking my heart all over again.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  __________________________________

  Bastien Pascal

  –

  I find Vale sitting in the waiting room, her eyes closed. “You can go back in with her.”

  “I left so you could talk.”

  “We’ve already talked.”

  “I don’t think so. Rose told you something you weren’t prepared to hear, and you acted like a complete jackass. Your reaction was irrational. Not at all befitting the man I know you to be.”

  Maybe because I’m not the man I once was. “I told her how I felt and I don’t have anything else to say about it. No reason for me to stick around here.”

  I move just in time to miss Vale’s foot. I think she was really aiming for my balls this time. “I can’t believe you. Rose is lying in that hospital bed sick as a dog, pregnant with your baby, and you’re abandoning her?”

  “She told me to go.”

  Vale rolls her eyes and mutters something beneath her breath. “She’s hurt and lashing out. Isn’t that just convenient as hell for you? God, you’re being such a prick.”

  “I’m supposed to ignore what she says and stay when she tells me to go?” Rose has always spoken her mind. Said what she meant. She’s not the kind of woman who plays games.

  “Yes. You stay because that’s what you do when you love somebody.”


  “Wait just one damn minute, V. Don’t you dare imply that I don’t love her.” No one can fathom how much I adore that girl.

  “Think about it, B. Rose has been hurt by every single person in the world whose job it was to love her. She’s never had anyone who didn’t let her down until you. And now after she’s put her faith and trust in you, you’re doing the exact same thing as everyone else in her life. If you had to guess, what do you think would be her natural reaction? Open up and allow you to hurt her more? Or retreat and close herself off for protection?”

  “I love Rose. I want to be here for her.”

  “But not the baby?”

  “We were happy. Our relationship was perfect. There wasn’t supposed to be a baby.” I was going to live out my final days with the woman I love by my side.

  “I hate to break it to you, but Rose didn’t get pregnant by herself.”

  “I know and I’m going to do what’s right. I’ll financially support her and the baby. She won’t ever have to worry.”

  Vale has never looked at me with such disgust. Disdain. Contempt. “Are you kidding me? Rose couldn’t care less about your money. She wants you. You, just as you are now. You, as you’re going to be down the road. What a wonderful gift to have someone like that in your life. And you’re shitting all over it. Marie-Grace would be ashamed of you for the way you’re treating the mother of her grandchild.”

  God, Vale knows exactly how to hit the hardest. But she’s right. My mother would . . . hell, I don’t even want to consider what she’d think of me right now.

  I hadn’t considered a pregnancy affecting the next nine months with Rose. I thought we’d be making the most of every healthy day I have left. Instead, I’m losing her and have to go back to that lonely world where I existed before she came into my life.

  God, I don’t want that.

  And I don’t want her to abort our baby.

  “You need to think long and hard about what you’re doing and what you’ll be giving up by cutting Rose and the baby out of your life.”

  “I’m doing this now to save myself from cutting them out later when it’ll be so much more painful.” I have to do it now—before I have the chance to fall so deeply in love with this baby that I can’t let go.