Dying Wish

by Margaret McHeyzer

  “With help from everyone who loves you.”

  My backyard has been transformed into a winter wonderland. My beloved tree has small fairy lights glistening in its green and golden leaves. It’s been converted into a giant Christmas tree with breathtaking decorations. In front of my tree, there’s an ice skating rink with snow machines set up, blowing out fake snow.

  “My white Christmas,” I gasp as I take in my backyard. There’s a table set up under the tree with so many presents it’s impossible to count. “Wow.” I carefully head down to the back where Santa’s throne has been set up beneath the canopy of leaves. It’s beautiful, and so perfect.

  There are so many of the townsfolk, neighbors, and family friends here. People are spilling out of everywhere, and it’s busy, noisy with Christmas music thumping loudly.

  “How did you do this?” I ask.

  My parents, Becky and Elijah all come to me when I sit in Santa’s throne. Becky pulls up a chair and grabs my hand. “This is all for you.” She sweeps her free hand to the side.

  There are kids skating on the ice, and a flurry of people bringing in trays and trays of food. They set it up on a couple of tables decorated in rich red and green colors. “This is something else.” I look around, taking in everything. There are frost-spikes hanging off the kitchen window and small lantern-shaped lights stream across the tables piled high with food.

  “I love it,” I say as I take it in. This is Christmas, my last ever, and it’s perfect.

  “Merry Christmas,” my Dad says and kisses me on the cheek.

  “Merry Christmas,” my Mom announces and kisses me on the other cheek.

  “This is so beautiful! Thank you.” I take in the marvel of my surroundings. No one is sad, everyone is happy while they gather and talk, and help themselves to the feast on the tables.

  “Do you want me to get you a plate of food?” Mom asks.

  “Wait, you were cooking dinner.”

  “It was a ruse, to throw you off the scent of what was actually going to happen. Do you want to ice skate before or after you eat?”

  “After.” If at all. But I’m not ruining this night with my stubborn body being tired. Tonight’s my Christmas and I’m going to enjoy every moment of it.

  Mom heads off to make me a plate of food. When she returns, I pick at what she’s brought me. Not because I don’t like the food, but because my body isn’t hungry, though I try and force as much as I can down without making myself sick.

  When I finish eating, the music goes quiet and I notice Triple Threats setting up in front of me. “What’s going on?” I ask turning to Becky.

  She winks at me, and heads straight for the microphone before answering my question. “Hi everyone,” she says into the mic. “How are you all doing tonight?” Everyone cheers happily. “As we know, tonight we’re having a special Christmas for a very special lady. Merry Christmas, Alley-cat. We all love you.”

  Before she starts I hold my hand up for her to stop, then stand and make my way over to the microphone.

  “What are you doing?” she bites toward me.

  “Saying a word.” Becky eyes me for a split second, before she steps aside and gives me the mic. “Hi everyone,” I say. “Before we kick off this celebration, I just want to say something.” A complete hush falls over the vast space. “We all know why we’re here. And I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.” I take a breath. “But please remember, life is a gift, not a right. It can be here today and then ripped away in a blink of the eye. So live it. Make connections, find love, and please, remember, we don’t have much time.” I look around to see my parents smiling proudly at me, through the tears sparkling in their eyes. “Please, enjoy tonight, and Merry Christmas.”

  Everyone claps, and wishes me a Merry Christmas. As I go and sit, a wave of nausea flares through my body. It’s nothing I ate; it’s the cancer trying to rear its ugly head in the middle of a celebration. Closing my eyes, I concentrate on my breathing and try to force down what wants to come up.

  It takes me a few seconds to pull myself together and will my body to comply. When I open my eyes, my parents are looking at me, their faces filled with fear, their bodies ready to react in case something is happening to me.

  “I’m okay.” I dig deep and make sure I smile at them. I will not let them see me sick. Be courageous, Alice.

  “Friends, what’s Christmas without carolers?” Becky half shouts into the microphone. She breaks out into a classic carol, and everyone joins in with her. Becky isn’t only an incredibly talented guitarist, she also has the huskiest and most beautiful singing voice I’ve ever heard. As the night continues, my body becomes weaker and weaker. My left foot is becoming numb and I try to do everything discreetly as possible to move it so I can relieve the pressure building.

  “Do you want to skate?” Elijah asks from beside me.

  I cast my gaze over to the ice rink, and hate that I’ll not be able to do it. I lift my finger and gesture for him to come close to me, so no one hears. “I’m not feeling great. And my foot’s gone to sleep.”

  He pulls back, panic rapidly taking over his normally cool and collected exterior. “Are you okay?” He reaches out to me, grabbing hold of my upper arm.

  “Shhh.” Looking around I make sure no one sees his reaction. “I’m okay. Please calm down, because I don’t want all these people to see me sick. Please,” I beg him trying to pacify his frenzy.

  “I’ll take you inside, everyone will understand.”

  I shake my head at him. “I don’t want to, Elijah.”

  “Why? No one is going to think badly of you.”

  “This will be the last time I get to spend time with all these people. Look over there.” I point to Larry and Janelle. Both of them are laughing at something my Dad’s said, all three looking carefree and happy. “See those smiles?” He nods his head. “That’s what I want to remember. And look over there.” I point toward Mom, who’s dancing to one of the Christmas carols Becky’s singing. “I want her to feel normal, and to not think about her sick daughter who’s going to die before the real Christmas is here. And see them over there?” I point to the kids on the ice, skating around, falling over and laughing. Elijah nods again, though this time his nod is small. “They’re going to remember how they had two Christmases this year, one in October and one in December. I want them to talk about the fun they had, not the sick girl who killed the mood of the party.”

  “I understand what you’re saying, but . . .”

  I cut him off. “And see her, and him?” I point to Becky and then to him. He nods his head. “I want them to remember the love. Not the illness.”

  “Jesus, Alice. You are the most selfless person I’ve ever known. You’re a fucking angel, princess.” He lifts off his chair, weaves his hands in my hair and crushes his lips against mine. When he finally pulls away from the kiss—leaving me breathless—he peppers sweet, gentle kisses on my cheeks, nose, forehead and down my neck.

  He sits down, pulls his shoulders back and nods.

  I sit back, watching the party, my party. Tonight is Christmas night. Snow and all.

  Alice owns me. Her beauty is beyond skin deep. She has the purest, and most loving heart.

  I can see Alice struggling. Her eyes keep fluttering shut, but she doesn’t want to disappoint anyone, so she fights the exhaustion and tries to stay awake.

  “Come here,” I say to her as I tug on her hand and lead her to sit on my lap. She nuzzles into my neck, her arms holding me tightly. “You’re the most beautiful person I know.” I lean in and kiss her forehead. I can feel her body growing heavier with every breath she takes.

  “I love you,” she whispers.

  When I feel she’s completely asleep, I stand with her frail body in my arms and head inside. “Is she okay?” Becky asks me when she sees me standing.

  “Just keep playing, she doesn’t want anyone to remember her like this.”

  Becky chokes back a couple of tears, but thankfu
lly her dad sees her crying and comes over to console her. I keep going and when people try to stop me, I offer them a smile and keep heading inside. Alice’s dad approaches me. “I’ll take her,” he says.

  “Please, sir. Let me.” Alice’s mom wraps her arms around her dad. It’s her way of easing him to let me take care of my princess.

  He steps aside not saying anything, he doesn’t need to. The ruined look on his face screams volumes.

  Taking my princess inside, I gently place her on her bed. She’s lost so much weight, her tiny frame is becoming even more slender with each passing day. Not only is her body slimming down, but her cheeks are sinking in. I know it’s the cancer, eating its way through her body. She’s rapidly declining, right in front of my eyes.

  When I found out what type of cancer she had, I researched as much as I could on it, even trying to find any alternative medicines that could possibly help her. But there’s nothing anyone can do for her. Her cancers are aggressive and in the last stage before they take her from me.

  I pull the blanket back and maneuver Alice so she’s completely under it. Sitting on the side of her bed, I stare at the angel God sent to me. Her heart is filled with so much love for all of us. As I reach over to turn her light off, I knock a book off her bedside table. As it opens a piece of paper comes flying out and lands beside my shoe.

  Picking it up, the first words grab my attention.

  Alice’s Bucket List—Made especially for Elijah.

  I read down the list, and can’t help to smile even broader when I see some of the things she’s written.

  Alice’s Bucket List—Made especially for Elijah.

  1. Fall in love.

  2. Get a meaningful tattoo.

  3. Swim with the dolphins.

  4. Eat a snail.

  5. Lose my virginity.

  6. Have a white Christmas.

  7. Go horseback riding.

  8. Climb the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

  9. Touch a pyramid.

  10. Dance The Nutcracker .

  11. Pay it forward to someone who needs it most.

  12. Ride an elephant.

  13. Pat a snake.

  14. Dance in the rain.

  15. Go skinny dipping.

  16. Get married.

  17.

  I slide my phone out of my pocket and take a picture of her bucket list. I asked her if she had one when we first got together; she must’ve started this soon after our first date.

  Seventeen has been left empty. Maybe there’s nothing more she wants to add, or maybe she hasn’t finished it yet. Shoving the paper back into the book, I put it back where I found it. Closing the door silently so she doesn’t wake from all the noise, I go into the family room and sit down. I want to stay in here where I can hear in case she calls out and needs something.

  I take my phone out of my pocket and bring up the snap shot of her bucket list. There’s another thing she’ll be able to cross off. She got her white Christmas thanks to the generosity of this town. The moment I approached all the businesses and asked them if they could donate their time or equipment, they all said yes. This town is so small, with under three thousand people, word of any serious illnesses gets around really quickly. And the community spirit comes together, with everyone stepping up.

  “Everything okay?” Mr. Brackman asks as he comes into the family room.

  “I’ve put her to bed. Like Mrs. Brackman has taught me, on her side in case she vomits. I checked she was breathing, made sure she was covered properly. But it didn’t feel right to go back out there and leave her alone, not with all the noise outside. So I decided to stay in here, you know . . . in case she calls out . . . or . . .” I don’t want to finish the sentence, and Mr. Brackman nods his head.

  “You’re a good man, son.” He claps his hand to my back proudly. “If the circumstances were different, I’d wish you and Alice would grow old together.”

  He goes to leave, but I gather all my courage and call out, “Sir, may I speak with you please?”

  Sweat coats the palms of my hands and I feel myself shaking. “What is it, Elijah?” He sits beside me.

  I take a huge breath and find my nerve. This is an unusual conversation I’m going to attempt and have with him. But if Alice can be brave, then I can learn from her and do the same. “Um, I’d like to ask your permission . . .” Fuck me, this is so hard.

  “What’s happening in here?” Mrs. Brackman asks, interrupting at the wrong moment.

  Shit, now I have to say this to both of them.

  “Elijah wants to ask something. What is it, son?”

  Mrs. Brackman sits beside her husband and places a hand on his thigh. I’ve never seen a couple as loving as Alice’s mom and dad. My parents are loving too, but nothing like Alice’s. They’re always touching, kissing and hugging. I’m not sure if Alice’s cancer has brought them closer together, but I suspect they’re this much in love with each other all the time.

  “What do you need, Elijah?” her mom asks.

  Shit, crap, damn it. Pulling my shoulders back and finding a sliver of courage like Alice shows, I open my mouth to ask a question that will either have me banished from this house, or get my balls ripped off of my body.

  “I love Alice with everything I am,” I start saying.

  “We know,” Alice’s mom responds.

  “I’d never do anything to hurt her because I love her so much.” I clutch my chest, because truthfully, it physically hurts to know that soon Alice won’t be with us anymore.

  “We know.” Alice’s mom smiles at me. It’s a smile that says she knows what I’m going to ask.

  “I’d like permission from you to take her out one night.”

  “As in on a date?” her dad asks.

  “As in, I’d like to take her on a romantic date . . .” His eyes widen. “ . . . for the night.” God, don’t make me say it. “Alone.”

  “Over my dead body,” her dad yells, and launches to his full height in front of me.

  “Darling,” her mom says, standing too. She moves in front of him, blocking the death stare he’s throwing at me. She places her arms around his neck and turns him to the side so he can’t see me anymore.

  “Don’t ‘darling’ me! She’s our little girl . . .” Mr. Brackman bellows.

  “Who’s going to die soon.” Mrs. Brackman’s voice is trembling.

  My heart twists at how hard her words are, although they’re the truth.

  “She’s only sixteen . . .”

  “And she’s going to stay sixteen for eternity. This isn’t about us; it’s about her. She needs to live her life for however long she has left. And she needs to experience all she can, including making love to the man she loves who loves her too.”

  “Nicki, he’s only a boy.”

  “She loves him. And he’s proved over and over again how much he loves her. He hasn’t left her side. He’s organized such amazing things, all for her. For our little girl.”

  Her father’s anger begins to subside and tears glitter in his eyes. “She’s my little girl.” He rakes his hands through his hair several times, then rubs at his temple.

  “Now, it’s about quality with Alice. You saw her tonight. She wasn’t well but she kept pushing on because she wants to leave us with beautiful memories of her, not sad ones. She was happy, not because of all we did for her, but because she saw all of us happy and with smiles on our faces. Let her live her life, however long she has left.”

  Jesus, they can see straight through Alice’s façade of being okay. Alice is putting that pretense on for love, and they’re allowing it so when she dies, she dies content and fulfilled knowing she left everyone with love.

  Her dad turns to me, not looking happy. “There are going to be conditions to this.”

  “Of course.”

  “Then yes, you can . . . have . . . fuck me, I can’t even say it. Yes, you can take my daughter for a date . . . overnight.”

  “We’re doing the right thing,” her mom
says. “This is what she wants.”

  Does her mom know about the bucket list? Or maybe they’ve talked about it. Either way, I’m going to treat Alice like the princess she is. There have been girls in the past, but none have ever compared to my dark-haired angel. She’s the epitome of perfection. And I don’t believe I’ll ever find anyone like her again. In fact, I don’t even want to look. She’s my perfect girl. She’s my soul mate, my other half.

  Mr. Brackman sits down beside me and we spend a good half hour talking about the conditions and rules.

  I love my princess and there’s no way I’d do anything to hurt her.

  I’m so excited. Elijah’s organized a date for us, and told me to pack for the night. I have a feeling I know what’s going to happen, and although I’m super excited, I’m also nervous as hell.

  “Are you ready?” he asks as I make my way into the family room where he’s waiting for me. The moment he sees the small overnight bag in my hand, he heads straight for me and takes it.

  “I am.”

  “Did you remember your toothbrush?” Mom asks as she approaches me and gives me a hug.

  “I did.”

  Mom whispers in my ear, “He’s going to make this night perfect. He loves you so much. Did you pack the present?” I give her a small nod, not wanting to say the words aloud in case Elijah hears them and then questions me about it.

  “Our ride’s here,” Elijah announces. I pull away from Mom, to see Elijah looking out the front door.

  “Now, I’m making you personally responsible for her tonight, Elijah,” Mom starts. “If anything happens, you need to call me right away.”

  “I’ll take care of her with my life, ma’am.” He lifts my small bag with one hand, and extends the other.

  “Good,” Mom says in a stern tone. “You take care of her. And you.” She runs her hands down my arms and leans in for another kiss. “Have a good night.” There’s moisture in her eyes, but she manages to keep it together and not lose control.

  “I love you, Mom. Tell Dad I love him too.” Dad had to suddenly go out. I think it would be difficult for him to be here and to see me leave for the night, knowing what Elijah and I are going to do.