Dying Wish

by Margaret McHeyzer

  Moving my outstretched arm for my hand to sit on her lower back, I hug her close to my body.

  God, she feels so nice against me.

  School’s done now and we’ve been on summer break for a few weeks. It’s been good between Elijah and me. It’s not as weird as it was before we went to Miami.

  We hang out virtually every evening, ‘cause during the day he works in his father’s body shop. I’ve been asked to give private lessons by some of my students from the music school, so I have a few students to teach.

  There have been some moments when I’ve almost told him how I feel, but then he makes an excuse to leave the room. It’s clear to me, he’s my best friend; and only my best friend.

  While I lie on my bed, I grab a book I’ve been wanting to read for some time and start flicking through it. Elijah’s due to come over after work because we’re going to the movies and to get some burgers.

  This book isn’t holding my interest. There’s nothing wrong with it. Normally, it would entertain me, but I keep staring at my guitars up on the wall.

  I hold the book up higher to hide the guitars from my sight, but the words on the page are jumpy and don’t really make sense. I’m too distracted by the taunting guitars. My hand involuntarily moves down and I stare at them.

  It’s been a long time since I’ve picked up a guitar for myself. It’s different when I’m teaching. That’s only a job, it’s not a passion.

  Jerking my hands up, I bring the book up to cover my line of sight to the guitars again. But within seconds my hands slip and I’m looking at them again.

  “This is ridiculous,” I say aloud to myself. I turn on my bed and face in the opposite direction. I go back to reading my book, and push the guitars further away. “Ugh.”

  But no matter how much I try to ignore them, I can’t help but keep looking back to them. It’s stupid. It’s like they’re on the wall calling to me, begging me to pick one up and play it.

  “You’re pissing me off,” I say toward the guitars as I sling my legs off the bed and almost throw my book down. “I don’t care.” I wave my pointer finger at them. “I don’t want to play you anymore.”

  Problem is, there’s a rhythm buzzing inside me. A tiny beat playing in my head, inching toward escape. I haven’t felt it since Alice died. The music inside of me has been lying dormant, dead.

  As I keep eyeing the guitars, I hear Elijah’s car pull up outside my house. I get up and head out to the front door to join him.

  Opening the door, I see him walking toward the house carrying a pizza.

  “I thought we were going to a movie,” I call at him.

  “I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve had a shit day and I’m in no mood to go out. And I have a headache coming on.” He comes in and heads straight for the kitchen. “Your dad’s not here?” He looks around the tidy room.

  “Working, like always.” I shrug and grab two plates, two glasses and the soda from the fridge. “Wanna watch TV?”

  “Nah, not really.” He rubs over his temple, massaging where the pain is. “I don’t know if I’m hungry or if I’m getting sick, but my head’s hurting.”

  “Want a Tylenol?” He nods, so I go to the medicine box, grab the bottle, and bring it to him. He eats a slice of pizza quickly, then grabs two tablets and swallows them down. “Did something happen at work? Or have you not eaten? I wonder what brought this on.” His face is quite pasty and he has dark rings under his eyes. “Other than the headache, do you feel okay?” I’m beginning to worry about him. He doesn’t look right.

  “Yeah, I’m okay. It’s this damned headache.” He rubs at his forehead again. It must really be bothering him. I’ve never seen him complain about anything, so this is scaring me. “I was okay until Mom came to talk to me and tell me about Travis Clark.”

  “Travis Clark?” I sit back in my seat and attempt to think what role Travis could play in Elijah’s sudden headache. The kid is like thirteen years old. His parents own the only convenience store we have in town, about four blocks from the supermarket. “What has Travis got to do with your headache?”

  I pick up a piece of pizza and slowly eat it. But if I’m being honest, I’m mostly worried about Elijah. “Travis got diagnosed with leukemia.”

  “Oh, man.” My shoulders drop as do my eyes. Tossing the pizza on the plate, I numbly stare at Elijah. “Leukemia?”

  “Yeah, poor kid. He’s got good chances, though. He’s starting chemo and radiation and everything else they can do for him.” My gut twists in pain. The poor kid. I know how much fear and hurt he and his parents must be going through.

  A stony silence encompasses us. Neither Elijah nor I are talking. The heaviness in the room is enough to force us to think back to Alice and her fight. “We’ve gotta do something for them,” I say.

  “Like what?” Elijah eats some more pizza, but the cement in my stomach isn’t allowing me to eat another bite.

  “Something. I don’t know what yet, but something.”

  Elijah looks at my half-eaten piece of pizza and his eyebrows lift in question. “You’re not eating?”

  “I’ve lost my appetite.” I push the piece away from me. Instead of thinking about food, my mind is churning on what we can do for Travis.

  Elijah stills his chewing and stares at me. “You’re not hungry?”

  “Honestly, I’m not.”

  He returns to eating. I’m consumed with the news Elijah’s told me. There has to be something we can do for him. “Hey,” Elijah pokes me in the arm. I look at him, and realize I wasn’t listening to anything he was saying, that is, if he was saying anything.

  “What?”

  “Are you going to eat or not?” I notice Elijah’s standing beside me.

  “Nah, maybe in a bit.” I too stand and close the lid on the pizza box while Elijah takes our dirty plates and stacks them in the dishwasher. “Wanna hang out in my room?” I ask.

  “Yeah, cool.”

  We head into my room, and Elijah flops onto my bed. He closes his eyes and crosses his arms in front of his tight chest. I sit on the floor beside my desk, facing my guitars.

  “One day I want to go swim with the dolphins, for Alice. Want to come?” he asks.

  “What a dumb question. Of course I want to come.”

  “Maybe we can save for it and do it next year, after we graduate high school. We can make a vacation out of it.”

  “Yeah, sounds good.” My eyes go to the guitars again. Absentmindedly, I push up from the floor and find I’m standing in front of them.

  Grabbing my favorite from the hook on the wall, I back up and sit on my bed. I feel the bed move as Elijah adjusts to make room for me.

  Cradling my guitar, I strum a few chords. The tension is off on one of the strings, so I tighten it and strum again.

  Closing my eyes, I begin to play a song I haven’t played in over seven months. A song I wrote for a girl I once knew. A girl who was my best friend and sister, who was taken away from me.

  The words of her song flow out of me as my fingers caress the neck of the guitar, drifting along as I sing Alice’s song. My words are warm and filled with emotion.

  You’ve been by my side

  As little girls

  In our precious world

  With cheeky smiles

  You held my hand

  We played under your tree together

  Now you’re gone, now you’re gone

  You always knew what to do

  What to say,

  How to dress,

  How I miss your smile

  You’ve been by my side

  Souls entwined

  Now you’re an angel in the sky

  Dance while you sleep

  While I stand here in wonder

  Let your soul free like you dance in your dreams

  Dance while you sleep

  Timeless forever

  Just like you’re dancing with me

  You let me be who I wanted to be

  We always thought
we’d grow old together

  Who could have seen that you’d ever leave

  Now your spirit lives on forever

  Dance while you sleep

  While I stand here in wonder

  Let your soul free like you dance in your dreams

  Dance while you sleep

  Timeless forever

  Just like you’re dancing with me

  Just like you’re dancing. . . .

  It’s like I’ve stepped away from the life I was supposed to live. Alice was supposed to be here, to listen to all the stupid things I’ve done and to be the one who balances me out. We were supposed to move in together, and fight when things went wrong. But we always knew we’d make up. That’s what family does. When the last chord of her song fades to stillness, I break down and cry.

  Elijah’s warm arms hug me from behind. He places a kiss on my neck, then drags me back against his body. “I know, I miss her too.”

  “It’s more than missing her. I’m lost.” I snuggle into his arms.

  “Being lost is a good place to start, because it means home will always be waiting for you.”

  I set my guitar on the floor and turn to wrap my arms around Elijah. Our connection is something I never expected. We both miss Alice, we both love her, and we both share an emotional bond to her and to each other.

  “I don’t know why I put myself through that. I haven’t played in such a long time.”

  “Maybe it’s time to pick your guitar up and play again. You sounded beautiful. And we both know Alice would be upset to know you’re no longer playing.”

  A spark flies through me. He’s right; she would be. The worst thing though is how much I loved playing Alice’s song. The song upsets me, but it also gives me strength. Alice deserves more than what I’m giving her. “You’re right,” I say as I sit up and wipe the tears away. “She’d be so pissed off at me, and I’m actually not honoring her at all by giving up.” I rise from the bed and go to the bathroom to get a damp washcloth. Coming back into my room, I start with the guitar I was playing and wipe it down. “As of now, I’m going to get myself together. I keep drifting away, losing tiny parts of myself because I’ve lost the biggest influence in my life. But, you’re right. She’d be so damned pissed at me. Not anymore, Alice.” I smile as I wipe my guitars one by one, and check the strings.

  “Atta girl,” Elijah proudly announces.

  “How’s the head?” I keep cleaning my guitars.

  “The Tylenol is helping.”

  “You know . . .” Suddenly I feel a huge pressure lift off my chest. It’s almost like an instant beam of freedom hits me hard. “I think we should do something for Travis. On Alice’s list she wanted to pay it forward to someone who needs it, and I think Travis needs it.”

  “What have you got in mind?” Elijah’s voice is bursting with pride. “Whatever it is, I’m in.”

  “I don’t know. I think we have to consider it and make sure whatever we do makes a difference for Alice and for Travis.”

  “I like that idea.” I can hear the smile in his voice. I look over to him, and sure enough he’s got the biggest grin on his face. “I like that idea a lot.”

  “Good. And you know what else?”

  “What?”

  “I’m hungry.”

  Elijah chuckles. And for the first time in a long time, I feel a change happening inside me. I’m giving myself permission to be okay, to move forward in life.

  Alice always made everything perfect. She was the one who taught me to believe in myself and to aim for more. I forgot how to do that when she passed away, but now, I’m learning again.

  Soon, I’m even going to find my way back home to happiness.

  The moment she picked up the guitar I knew she’d found her love of music again. It’s been close to two weeks since she did, and now Becky’s returned to Triple Threats.

  True to their word, the moment she called Jace, he told her to start coming back to practice.

  I’ve seen something change in Becky. There’s a light in her eyes and a bounce in her step. She’s finding the love she lost and she’s grabbing it with both hands.

  There’s something even sexier about her now too. It’s like she’s got her zest for life back, and she’s ready to tackle any situation head on. I love that about her.

  When I’m not at work, and she’s not at band practice, we hang out together. We’re still on vacation for another five weeks before we go back to school for our final year. And before we know it, it’ll also be the anniversary of Alice’s death. It tears at my heart to know it’s almost been a year. This year has been difficult for all of us.

  I swallow down the lump in my throat, and try to get myself together before I need to leave to go pick up Becky.

  We’re going to Mike and Nicki’s for lunch. I get up off my bed and get changed. Mom and Dad have gone out for a ‘romantic date.’ It’s their anniversary today and Dad’s taking Mom on a hot air balloon ride and a late lunch before spending the night at some swanky hotel.

  Sometimes they make me feel sick to my stomach, especially when they’re all over each other; kissing and hugging. Puke.

  It takes me less than half an hour to get changed and make my way over to Becky’s place. When I pull up outside, she’s already waiting for me. She jumps up off the last step and runs toward my car. I can’t help but check her out. She’s so hot. She’s wearing cut-off denim shorts and a tank top. Man, the way it clings to her body. I adjust myself in the seat before she gets in the car, thank God I’m wearing a longer t-shirt today.

  “Hey there,” she chirps when she gets in the car.

  “Crest.” I nod my head at her and look away before she catches me staring at her legs. “How’s practice?”

  “There’s a gig coming up and they want me to play because Jace can’t.”

  “Yeah? Where’s it at? I’ll come and watch.”

  “No you won’t!” she says with authority. “You’ll make me nervous and I might screw up.”

  I chuckle at her. She’s so freaking good she really has nothing to worry about. “Seriously, you’re really good. Stop panicking.”

  “I’m nowhere near as good as Jace.” She has no idea just how incredibly talented she actually is. I love how she’s sassy, though still unsure at herself. That quality in her is adorable.

  “You’re right, you’re not as good as him.”

  “See, even you agree.”

  “You’re better.”

  “Whatever.” She rolls her eyes at me and shakes her head.

  We pull up in front of Mike and Nicki’s place, and Becky’s already out and walking up to the front door. She knocks once and waits. “We used to come in and out of here without even knocking,” I say when I reach her.

  “I know, but it doesn’t seem right to just barge in now. It was different before.”

  Don’t I know it? “Yeah.”

  The door flings open, Nicki’s got a huge smile on her face. “Hi kids!” she says as she reaches over to pull Becky into a hug, then does the same for me.

  “Is that the kids?” Mike yells out from somewhere inside the house.

  “It’s us,” Becky replies.

  We head inside and Nicki goes to the kitchen while Mike brings us out a soda. “It’s such a beautiful day, I thought we’d eat outside,” Nicki says as she carries a bowl toward the back door.

  “Here, let me help.” I stand and grab what’s in her hands and take it out back. The picnic table is already set up, using Alice’s tree for shade. There are four place settings and there are already some platters of food under a fine mesh net.

  Everyone follows me out and we all sit at the table. “So tell me, what’s the news with you kids?” Nicki asks.

  This is the first time in a long time that both Nicki and Mike have got smiles on their faces. The happiness in their eyes reflects the happiness they’re exuding.

  “Well, Becky and I were talking about Travis Clark.”

  Nicki lets out a
small groan and slumps in her seat. “We heard about his leukemia, I wish there was something we could do.”

  “Well, I’ve been asking around and we’ve learned that Travis really wants to go to Hawaii to learn how to surf. So we’re thinking . . .” She points to me and back to her, “ . . . about selling blue and white ribbons for him and help raise the money to send them. The ribbons are for teen cancer, and we thought that might be a good idea.” Becky looks to Nicki and Mike enthusiastically.

  “That’s a wonderful idea, I’m sure they’d really appreciate it. And if anyone can do it, it’ll be you two,” Nicki says.

  “What a lovely gesture,” Mike replies. “And such a good idea.”

  I look to Nicki, and notice she’s deep in thought. She’s pushing her food around on her plate, and she’s not really listening to any of the conversation Becky and Mike are having.

  “Are you okay?” I ask quietly.

  “Sorry? What was that?” Before I have a chance to repeat myself she holds up a finger indicating for me to be quiet. She takes her cell out of her pocket and scrolls through it. “I have an idea.”

  “What’s the idea?” I ask. Both Mike and Becky stop talking and look over to Nicki.

  “How are you going to sell the ribbons?” Nicki asks.

  “We’re going to go door to door,” Becky replies.

  “Waste of time doing it like that. Hang on a second.” She dials someone and puts the phone to her ear. “Samuel, it’s Nicki Brackman.” She listens for a second. “Good, good. Look I’m calling you because I want you to do something for me.” She listens again, lets out a small chuckle. “I have Elijah Turner and Rebecca Menzies here with me.” She smiles at whatever this Samuel person says to her. “Yes, they are.” She looks over to me and Becky and winks at us both. “We’re thinking about doing a car wash to help raise money for Travis Clark and his family, and we need your school’s parking lot.” Oh crap, she’s talking to Samuel Davies, our school’s principal. “We also need the entire faculty to come help. And I need you to organize them.” She looks down at her bouncing leg and smiles. “Good, so I can count on your help?” She smiles again and nods her head. “Excellent, we’ll be in touch.” She hangs up and places her phone down. Of course, Nicki is an elementary school teacher. It only makes sense she’d know Mr. Davies from work, and from Alice.