Finding My Way Home

by Alina Man

  “No, I’m good. Thank you for everything.”

  “No worries. I left their hotel number on the coffee table. They are going to be in town for two more days so try to give them a call Bren. They came a long way just so they could meet you.”

  “I’ll think about it. Give James a big hug and kiss for me.” We hugged one last time then I watched her drive away.

  I rushed back into the house and the minute the door closed I yelled as loud as I could.

  “NANA!”

  Chapter 16.

  At first she didn’t answer but I could feel her all around me.

  “Where are you? Oh my God nana what am I going to do?” I kept passing back and forth in the narrow hallway by the door.

  “Hush now before you wake up the entire neighborhood.”

  Unbelievable. She was worried about the neighbors in a time like this?

  “Nana this is your mess that you got me into. How do I fix it?”

  The light in the room got brighter by the minute, following me as I moved towards the bedroom. I sat on the bed waiting for her answer.

  “It was wrong for me to keep this secret for so long, baby girl. At first it was because of your dad’s wishes. But later it became a selfish and personal reason. I was afraid he was going to take you away from us.” Her voice was faint and shaky and I realized that even now, this mess was still hurting her.

  “It’s ok. Just tell me what to do. I wanted to wait a while before facing Max but it looks like they beat me to it.” I placed my head in her lap and I could feel her fingers in my hair, like a cold breeze on a summer day.

  “You need each other baby girl. No matter what, they are your family. Nothing is more important than that. You must give them a chance. Just go to them. You’ll know what to do. Trust me…. Trust me…. Trust me…..”

  She was gone. She was gone but so was the feeling of despair, the wondering, and the fear. I took a quick shower then made the most important phone call in my life. The conversation was brief and we were meeting for dinner in less than a few hours. I took extra care in picking my outfit: black slacks and a pale purple silk top. I wanted to look like I had my life together, like I was in control. The girl looking back at me in the mirror was the epitome of confidence.

  I drove to the hotel alone wishing Gigi were with me. I knew I had to do this on my own but that didn’t change the fact that I was exceedingly nervous. As I entered the lobby, both Adele and Brian stood from their chairs to come greet me. They looked as nervous and uncertain as I did.

  “Hi. I’m Brenda.” The moment the words escaped my lips I realized just how silly that introduction sounded. Of course they knew who I was.

  “Hi. I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to meet you,” she said and pulled me in for a hug. Brian followed, and here we were in the middle of the lobby, the three of us in a group hug.

  “Shall we go to dinner?” Brian asked when we finally pulled apart.

  “Yes. Dinner sounds great actually.” The restaurant inside the hotel was very quaint and the small room was almost empty, aside from two other families eating already. We placed our orders and there were a few awkward silent moments as we all tried to figure out what to say next. There were so many questions yet I didn’t know what was appropriate to ask on our first meeting. Do I ask about their father? Do I refer to him as my father? Would they get offended if I didn’t? I mean, he was a stranger to me and no amount of DNA was going to change the fact that my one and only father was the one that raised me. The one I lost years ago. The only one that I truly loved.

  “You’re probably wondering what we’re doing here.” I looked up at Brian as he spoke and tried to smile. If they were trying, then so could I.

  “A little, yes. I was still thinking up a plan on how to contact Max.”

  Adele looked at her brother as I mentioned Max’s name then she turned towards me, taking hold of my hand. “I can tell you were shocked when you first saw us but dad’s been looking for you for years. You’re going to laugh but I actually went to Boston not too long ago because I wanted to meet you so badly. We almost ran into each other,” she laughed, “but I chickened out the last minute and ran the other way like a crazy person.”

  “We’re here actually because of dad. His birthday is next month and there’s nothing he wants more than to meet you.”

  “My birthday is next month too,” I said more for myself. “The fifteenth.”

  “Yes, we know. You guys share the same birthday.” What are the odds, right? I mean, everything so far has been nothing but crazy so finding out that he had the same birthday shouldn’t surprise me. If I thought about it for too long I was going to burst out laughing so instead I turned my attention back to the two siblings.

  “Brenda,” Adele spoke again, “I understand you just found out about us but we grew up talking about you and dreaming of this day. It would be the ultimate gift if you would come out for a visit. Dad would love that.”

  The waiter brought our food giving me an excuse not to answer. We started eating while they told stories about their childhood, about their parents. I wanted the evening to end because it was all becoming too much to handle but they seemed happy to have me there, even if I didn’t contribute much to the conversation. Adele ordered dessert and Brian and I coffee. Every now and then I would glance at the large wall clock counting the minutes I would finally make my exit.

  “Look guys, I really appreciate what you are trying to do. The thing is I had this whole plan into place. When and how I was going to contact Max and honestly, I’m not ready. So much has happened to me since my grandmother died and when you add finding out that you have another family out there somewhere, it does become quite overwhelming, don’t you think? I wish I could tell you right now that I’ll be visiting next month but I would be lying to you both. I can however tell you that I’m glad I got to meet you and I will do my best to contact Max. That’s all I can give you for now.”

  Adele gave me a small smile. “I understand and that’s more than we could have hoped for. Just know that even though we never met, we always loved you and always thought of you as family.”

  Adele’s gentle words touched me to the core. She was so genuine and so amazingly comforting that you instantly felt connected to her. Brian paid for our dinner and then they both walked me to my car.

  “We’re leaving tomorrow afternoon so maybe we can meet for lunch?”

  “Sure. I’ll give you guys a call.” I hugged them both then got into my car and drove away. Without thinking, I reached for my phone and called Gigi.

  “Hey there. Everything ok?” she asked.

  “Can’t talk for long but can you tell me if Noah’s still at work? And if he is, I need to know what time he closes and how do I get there?”

  Twenty minutes later I was parked in front of a very undescriptive building. Trying not to over think my decision, I walked up and opened the heavy door. The overhead bell rang, to announce my presence. The inside was just like I imagined; walls covered in drawings, heavy binders set on a large square table, a red sofa in one corner and what looked like a receptionist’s area in the other.

  “I’ll be right with you,” Noah yelled from the back. I held onto my handbag for dear life looking around me, afraid to touch anything. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as out of place as I did at that moment. Noah’s face came into focus as he turned around the corner.

  “Hey Princess, what are you doing here?” His smiling face was strikingly beautiful in the soft light. I wanted to reach out to touch him but held my bag tighter instead.

  “I am here on business. I want to get a tattoo and I want you to be the one to do it.” He laughed wholeheartedly at my outburst, as if I had made a joke. “I’m serious. If you don’t want to do it I guess I can take my business somewhere else.”

  “You’re serious? Come on Bren. This is something permanent. Did something happen to make you decide on this?”

  “For your information I’ve been wa
nting one for a long time. Are you going to do it or not?” He watched me closely, rubbing his palm over the back of his head as he was trying to decide if I had lost my mind. He moved past me and locked the door and I knew that I had his full attention.

  “Ok Bren. I’ll go along with this. What did you have in mind?”

  “I want Psalm 23:4 under my heart. The exact words.” I took a piece of paper from the receptionist desk and wrote down the words for him: Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me.

  “Are you sure about this?”

  “Yes, I’m sure.”

  Together we made our way toward the back where several cubicle-style areas were set up with long tables. I watched him with curious eyes as he set up the area. I’ve never seen him looking so focused and I could tell he took pride in what he was doing.

  “Ok, I’ll need you to take off your shirt and lay on your side. I’ll tell you right now, this is going to hurt like crazy. So I’ll ask you again, are you sure about this?”

  I was no chicken. I could do this, or at least that’s what I thought until he drew the first letter. Saying it hurt like crazy didn’t even come close to describing what it felt like. It felt like thousands of needles were poking me from every angle and by the fifth word I was ready to throw in the towel.

  “I told you but you didn’t listen,” Noah laughed. “You can’t stop now. And here I was going to suggest we add an angle or something with color.”

  “Oh shush and finish this already before I pass out.” It didn’t take a long time to be done but for me it felt like an eternity. One thing was for sure: there were no more tattoos in my future. At least not for a long, long, time. Everything was hurting. As I went to look in the full length mirror, my heart skipped a beat. The font he had used made the words look even more beautiful than I expected. Tiny tear drops gathered in the corner of my eyes and I blinked them away. The crying days were over now. It was time for new beginnings and happy times.

  “Wow Noah. I love it.”

  “Was it worth the pain?” he asked as he walked up to me. I watched him in the mirror but he didn’t notice. His eyes were leaving hot trails over every inch of my body, making me feels things I haven’t felt before.

  “Yes it was,” I said finally. His hand traced the tender spot just below the tattoo making me quiver with need. “So how much do I owe you?”

  “This one is on the house. Let me cover this up and I can go over what you need to do to keep this clean.”

  “Come on, that’s not fair. I am a customer so I should pay.”

  “Babe you’re so much more than a customer. Come, it’s late and I want to go home.”

  That night I tried my best not to turn in my sleep from fear that I’m going to mess up the tattoo. I couldn’t believe that I actually did it. I had wanted one for the longest time but somehow it was never the right time. I was truly starting to turn over a new leaf.

  The next day I woke up early and called Gigi to tell her all about last night’s dinner. She almost squealed when she found out I was meeting Adele and Brian for lunch and before I could object she invited herself to tag along. Maybe it was better to have someone with me.

  She picked me up and offered to drive us to the restaurant.

  “So I got a tattoo last night,” I said nonchalantly.

  “Say what? Tell me you’re kidding,” she laughed but her foot slammed on the brake as I started lifting up my t-shirt. “Oh my Lord, what have you done with my friend?”

  “Oh come on drive.”

  “You’re lucky I am dying to see that gorgeous brother of yours or I would turn around right now. A tattoo Bren? Never did I think I would live the day when miss perfect here would do such a crazy thing.”

  For the rest of the drive she continued to taunt me about the tattoo as if I had done something unheard of. She was one silly specimen but I loved her too much to be mad. The restaurant Adele picked out was one of the best in town and I was actually looking forward to eating there. Gigi parked right next to their rental and after she checked herself in the mirror one last time we walked in together to meet my siblings. They were already seated and they both smiled the moment they saw us. Brian especially when his eyes locked in with Gigi’s.

  For whatever reason, this time everything felt more relaxed and I found myself enjoying both Adele and Brian. Adele and I shared a love for books and same kind of music and before long it felt as if we’d known each other all our lives. Hours later it was time for them to take their leave and I suddenly felt sad to see them go. We promised to stay in touch and I even agreed to go to Max’s party. On our way home Gigi couldn’t stop talking about Brian and I laughed at her enthusiasm.

  “You are like a school girl, you know that?”

  “I think I’m in love. I know it’s crazy, I just met the guy. But I feel this pull towards him. Ok I have officially lost my mind.”

  “I think it’s sweet.”

  “Please promise you’ll take me with you when you go next month. Please, please, please.”

  “Darn it girl. Slow down and pay attention to where you’re driving or the only place we’ll be going is the hospital. Brian invited you so I guess I’ll have to take you with me.”

  Chapter 17.

  The weeks that followed were a blur; minutes turned into hours, hours into days, and days into weeks. I worked, ate, slept, and spent every free moment with Gigi and James, and most of my evenings with Noah. Something had happened that evening in his tattoo shop, something that drew us closer somehow.

  We spent hours talking about the years he was away, the things he’d done, and about the years we spent together as best friends growing up. Tonight he was bringing pizza and a movie and I couldn’t wait to see him. I put on another coat of mascara just as he knocked on the door.

  “Hey,” he said and moved the pizza box to the side so he could get closer to me. His lips touched the corner of my mouth and I smiled at his failed attempted to kiss me. For days now things had been heating up between us and at any moment I was afraid the protective walls I had up were going to come crumbling down at my feet.

  “Hey to you too. Hmm the pizza smells so good. I’m starving.” I grabbed the box to help him out and we made our way to the living room.

  “So I have something for you,” he said and I then noticed the small gift bag he was hiding. “Since you won’t be here for your birthday I thought I’d give it to you today.”

  “Noah you didn’t have to get me anything. You’ve done so much for me already.” I took the wrapped gift out of the bag and started pealing the paper away. Inside there was the most beautiful notebook I’ve ever seen. The front was covered in tiny jewels that together formed a stunningly beautiful peacock. There was a gold lock and key to the side and I realized what it was. It was a diary.

  “I remembered you used to have one like this when we were kids,” he said. “I didn’t know what to-” I didn’t let him finish. I nearly jumped on him, taking us both down in the process and kissed him as if my life depended on it. The moment I realized what I’d done I tried to pull back only to feel Noah’s arms tighten his hold. His lips were soft as they explored and tasted, making me turn to mush. This was the kiss of all kisses.

  “Wow,” I said when we finally parted.

  “I don’t remember you kissing like that when we were kids,” he joked.

  “Are you complaining?” I said and tried to sound upset.

  “Are you kidding me? Babe you can jump on me anytime.” He pulled me closer once again and as his lips found mine I knew he was the one for me. With one kiss he could make me feel things I had never felt before. He made me feel alive, wanted, desirable, and happy. The pizza was long forgotten, the movie never came out of the box. Instead we spent the entire night kissing until our lips were raw and we could no longer breathe.

  The next day, Noah drove both Gigi and I to the airport. I was excited and nervous. Soon I would meet my biological
father for the first time.

  “You sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Noah asked as he took the bags out of the truck. “I could take a few days off of work, you know.”

  “Thank you Noah but I really think I should do this on my own. The only reason Gigi is going with me is because of Brian.”

  “Well you know where I am if you need me. I love you Bren.” I kind of knew how he felt about me because my feelings for him were the same. Still, hearing him say the words out loud felt amazingly good. I circled my hands around his neck and pulled him close until our lips were a breath away.

  “I love you too.” He kissed me then, and it felt as if the world had stopped. It was the most amazing feeling.

  “Ok you two knock it off,” Gigi said and pulled me by my shirt. “We’re going to miss the plane if we don’t hurry.”

  I gave Noah another quick kiss then waved him goodbye one last time. I couldn’t stop smiling as we walked inside to check in our bags.

  “So, I guess you finally came to your senses and realized you were made for each other.”

  “Ok fine, you were right. Happy?” We both laughed and I started to relax as the plane took off. Only a few more hours, I thought. A few more hours and I will be surrounded by a new family. The flight felt longer than I expected and Gigi ended up napping the entire time. I took out my gift from Noah and touched the cover gingerly. It was as beautiful as our love and I prayed that nothing would ever change that.

  The minute we arrived at John Wayne airport the nerves were back.

  “Hey, are you ok?” Gigi asked, concern all over her face.

  “Yeah, just anxious I guess. I’m glad we decided to stay at the hotel.”

  I didn’t want them to meet us at the airport and when Brian asked when we were arriving I kept changing the subject. We found the car rental place and luckily they still had a few cars available. Gigi entered the address into the GPS and we were on our way. Max’s place was in Laguna Beach, and although I’ve never been there, I had a feeling it was going to be beautiful and very ritzy. When I made the hotel reservations I almost could not believe how much they were charging per night but decided it was better to stay somewhere close to his house as we were not familiar with the area.