#1 Muse ~ T. Gephart
Page 22
“It was an NDA, not the launch codes for nuclear weapons. You could have found a way to tell me something, or even give me a hint that it was a consideration. Instead you let me believe—”
“I let you believe that you would sell your manuscript. That something you wrote would get made into a series. I thought you would be grateful.”
“Get. Out.” It tore out of my throat so fast and so loud I was sure everyone on the block had heard me. And I didn’t care, not willing to be told that I should be thankful for being treated like a child.
He reached for me, moving forward even as I backed away. “Claire, look, that came out wrong.”
“No, I think that it came out exactly how you meant it. So do us both a favor and get out of my house.” I pointed to the door, praying he didn’t touch me so I wouldn’t be forced to rip off his arm.
“You need to leave.” Luke’s voice came from behind me, giving me a reassuring hug as he came to stand beside me.
Nick shook his head, his jaw tense. “No, not until I explain.”
“Nope, she wants you gone, you get out. And don’t think for a second that I won’t drop you, I don’t give a fuck what your last name is and how many magazines you’ve been on.”
Luke wasn’t as big as Nick but he wasn’t far behind, and I didn’t doubt for a second he’d be able to hold his own if he needed to.
“Just go. There is nothing left to say.”
And wasn’t that the truth. Looking at him just hurt, reminding me of all the things I thought I had, when really I didn’t. All of it was an illusion, a fake reality that would eventually be exposed. I wasn’t even sure he’d really loved me at all. Maybe it had been gratitude, feeling like he owed me.
I could tell he wanted to stay, his feet hesitating as he stood his ground. He didn’t care that Luke was shooting him looks that could kill, ignoring him entirely as his gaze locked on me.
“Claire.”
It was too late.
My head shook as I fought back tears, not allowing him to get that from me. Instead I stared back defiantly, letting the overwhelming hurt bubble up inside of me but keeping it locked down.
Nothing.
After I had opened myself up and shared so much of myself, he wouldn’t get one thing more.
Why the hell wouldn’t he just leave?
“Go.” The one word all I could manage through my gritted teeth, praying to God that I could wait until he walked out the door before I fell apart.
His hands fisted at his side and he took a breath, the “okay,” more of an exhale as he finally moved.
I watched every step he took to the door, stood there and looked as the man I thought I was in love with opened it, turned around one last time and left.
Finally.
My body sagged the minute the door closed, the effort to keep it standing exhausted, as my knees gave way.
“I’ve got you.” Luke’s arms came around me, keeping me close to his body and not allowing me to fall. And finally, I let myself cry.
He didn’t ask me to explain or wait for me to tell him what I needed, instinctively knowing as he picked up and carried me to my room and laid me on the bed. Scully and my mom appeared at my doorway, the look on their faces telling they’d heard the whole thing. It wasn’t exactly like they could have missed it, and in a way I was relieved I didn’t have to repeat anything and explain.
My mom sat on the edge of my bed, her hand stroking my hair like she was comforting a child. “I am so proud of you,” she said, without explaining why.
As if sensing my pain, Sebastian cried from the other room.
“I’ll be right back.” Scully excused herself as she went to go get him, returning a few minutes later with her beautiful son in her arms and his tears all but stopped.
At that moment, I envied him. That all it took was a hug to make everything better. I wanted that so desperately, to not feel like I’d been torn in two.
Scully hopped on the bed, laying Sebastian between us and then put her arms around me. We didn’t speak, just laid there facing each other, like her hands were all that was holding my two halves together.
Maybe they were, maybe I’d become that fragile.
Luke joined the party on my bed too, taking a seat on what little room there was left and rested his hand on my back. He was the first one to speak.
“I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you are going to be okay. We are all here and we love you.”
And that just made me want to cry more.
I rubbed my eyes, wiping away the tears as I felt every single one of the emotions within me.
Hurt.
Anger.
Betrayal.
Fear.
Not dismissing any of it and giving myself permission to feel each of them both singularly and as a collective.
Luke was right.
It wouldn’t be tonight, but at some point I would be okay.
Hours passed—or maybe it only felt like that—before my mom kissed my forehead, told me she loved me and left me on the bed. Next it was Luke who performed the ritual, leaving the room so it was just Scully, Sebastian and I. Seb had fallen asleep, cocooned between us, his little snores a reminder that time hadn’t stood still.
“You want to talk about it?” Scully said, her arms had to be hurting, and yet she kept them right where they were, locked around me.
I sighed, the tears all cried out, my head throbbed, and reality had set in. “Part of me even understands why he did what he did, but it doesn’t make it easier.”
“What do you mean?” she asked cautiously. “Because if you’re about to tell me that you’re partly to blame for this mess I’m going to have to beat you. I won’t enjoy it, and would prefer my son didn’t see his mom go Lemonade Beyoncé on your ass, but I’ll do it.”
I laughed, unable to help the soft chuckle from escaping my throat with the visual of Scully, a baby tucked under one arm, swinging a bat with the other.
“No, I’m not saying it’s my fault. Hell, I even tried to tell him all the crazy he was signing up for in the interest of full disclosure.” I didn’t want there to be secrets between us, for there to be something that would eventually be revealed that could be seen as dishonesty. Turns out, it wasn’t me that had to be worried.
“I meant that I get why they chose Audrey over me. It still stings like hell, and I hate how good she is,” And I wanted to hate her, even though she was not responsible for any of it, “but I know why they did it.”
Ego aside, I understood I was a small fish in a very large pond. Maybe not even a fish, possibly even smaller like a sea monkey. And no, I wasn’t fishing for compliments; I knew I was talented. It was about knowing that no one was going to gamble millions of dollars on an unknown. Those Cinderella moments only happened in front of the camera, not behind it, so I got it.
Loud and clear.
And, if I could put my bruised self-pride aside for a second, I’d be glad that my words were going to be molded by a strong and talented woman who I knew would do my story justice. Man, I hated being reasonable.
So, as I explained to Scully all the reasons why, yes, I understood, and yes, it still sucked, it wasn’t being “shut out” that hurt the most.
“He didn’t tell me. And here I am wondering if it was because he didn’t trust me enough not to behave like a spoilt brat, or he figured I would be so fucking thankful that I’d be too distracted to care, or because his motives weren’t honorable from the start.” All of them blew hardcore, and none of them said good things about me or him.
“All he had to do was tell me; look me in the eyes and say, this is what they want to do, I love you, and it’s shitty, but I wanted you to hear it from me.”
“Yeah, well. It’s not like he didn’t have time.” She shook her head, cursing under her breath. “So what are you going to do?”
And wasn’t that the million dollar question.
“I told Jeremy to send me the contract. If the price is right
and the conditions are fair, I’m not going to withhold my work out of spite. Besides, it would probably be career suicide, and I really don’t want to read scripts for the rest of my life.”
Scully stared at me, a smile edging at her lips. “When the hell did we become grownups? Egging Baby Daddy’s house was a lot more fun than being rational.”
“Yeah, well. I’m positive I still have some irrationality in me so don’t get too excited.” I laughed. “As for Nick, well . . . maybe some things are best left as a fantasy. I just don’t know if he was one of them.”
She nodded, not trying to persuade me one way or the other, which was a good thing because no one wanted a sermon when they were hurting.
Time would tell if he should have remained just my muse, or if our meeting was needed to put me on a different course and change my destiny. But whichever he turned out to be, it would not break me.
HAVING MY MOM AROUND WAS a godsend. She not only helped with the baby, but brought me ice cream in bed like she used to when I was younger and broken hearted. Choc chip didn’t heal the hurt, but it did make it slightly more tolerable.
Dad called a bunch too, threatening to jump on a plane and “straighten that boy out.” He wasn’t a violent man by any means, but I didn’t doubt he’d give Nick a stern talking to. My little brother, Cody, told me he thought Nick was a hack, casually mentioning his acting sucked and I could do better. I didn’t know if he genuinely meant it, but it was nice he’d say so if only to try to cheer me up. And Courtney—my little sister who dearly believed love conquered all—cried along with me.
It was hard being away from them, knowing that even miles away they were rallying for me. But I felt their love and knew that at a second’s notice they’d be on a plane if I asked. And when I said goodbye to Mom, her time with us coming to an end, I promised I’d call more.
I wished we all lived closer, but the distance didn’t diminish our connection. I was indeed lucky when it came to my family and friends; maybe it was too greedy to believe that I would be lucky in love too.
Nick’s calls, texts and messages were all avoided and ignored. I’m sure he probably thought I was being an unreasonable bitch—care factor non-existent—but I needed space and time to think. That space and time was used productively watching cult 80’s movies, where despite the guy screwing up, he found a way to make it up to the woman he loved with a grand gesture. Cheesy and predictable, I cried during every one. Who didn’t love a grand gesture? They sure didn’t write them like that anymore.
I’d convinced myself the heavy immersion into retro cinema was research, looking at the evolution of screenplays over the years. But realistically it was the only way I could avoid seeing Nick or one of his family members on television, in a movie or in a magazine. Not great when you were trying to forget one of them.
It also helped avoid seeing any speculation about me, and mine and Nick’s relationship. Scully had not so discreetly slammed her laptop shut when I’d recently walked into the kitchen. I didn’t know if it was another article wondering if he’d finally gotten sick of “slumming it,” or if it was something new and he’d been seen with someone else. Neither possibility made me feel good, but one would definitely hurt more than the other.
Ugh, I needed to get a better handle on my feelings, they weren’t doing me any favors.
Besides, I had a contract to negotiate, and I wasn’t going to make business decisions emotional even if it sort of made sense in this instance.
“I want my name on opening credits. I don’t care if it’s small and tossed in with someone else, but I won’t be buried on the backend behind the caterer.”
Tyler and I had gone through the contract with a fine-tooth comb. It was reasonable but there was room for improvement, and I wasn’t going to be called a diva for fighting for what I believed was what I deserved.
Jeremy scribbled in the margin, thankfully not fighting me or Tyler as he made notes. “I don’t see it being a problem if you will give up full creative control.”
“That’s fine,” I agreed, the concession made easier given the distance of a few days.
Tyler added a few other changes—extra protection legally—but other than that, I just wanted it over. I felt like the loop had been completed, something that had started because of it, would end because of it, and I could move on.
“I’ll hopefully get back to you in an hour or two with an answer from the studio. They want to move on this so we should have a new contract drawn within a few days for you to sign.” Jeremy shuffled the papers on his desk as he rose from his chair to shake my hand. “Let me know if there is anything else.”
Would there be anything else? Who knew?
I wanted to ask about Nick—because as much as I pretended I didn’t give a shit, I did—but I didn’t ask. I had promised myself to be unemotional and I couldn’t do that if I brought him into it. There would be no getting around that, and no human would have been capable. Certainly none with a heart, and I very much had one of those.
We said our goodbyes, exchanged bullshit pleasantries and Jeremy walked us out. It had been so bittersweet, and not how I imagined the sale of my first work would be. It just went to show, dreams don’t always turn out the way you saw them in your head.
“Why don’t you let me buy you dinner?” Tyler hesitated at my car door. “Seems like a fair trade since you did most of the negotiating in there.”
I shook my head, glad that I’d had him by my side as backup. “I thought lawyers were supposed to be greedy, with no soul. You sure you aren’t going to get kicked out of the fraternity for being kind and considerate?”
“I won’t tell anyone if you won’t.” He nudged my shoulder. “Come on, I won’t even make small talk, you can just tell me if Luke is dating anyone and then forget it even happened. Client attorney privilege prevents me from mentioning it unless you do.”
I’d had my suspicions that Tyler’s relationship with my roommate wasn’t as friend-like as Luke believed. Tyler’s willingness to help me, take my calls whenever, and a more than generous fee reduction, didn’t speak to that of just a “friend.” I might have been wrong, but I didn’t think so, especially with Tyler’s admission all but confirming he was interested in more.
Pity I was still firmly in the camp of love sucked.
“You know I’ll be terrible company. I’m still pretending that Nick Larsson didn’t break my heart; it’s taking up more mental space than I’d really like to admit. And I was trying so hard to be unemotional in the meeting with Jeremy that I’m sure I’m due for a cry soon too.” It felt good to be honest with my feelings. Even if it was to a man I was paying to have my back and keep his mouth shut. Considering the last one I’d trusted on instinct, I was happy for the insurance the retainer gave me.
He thought a moment, stroking his chin like he was considering it. “Yeah, even with the crying, I’m still pretty sure that your emotional breakdown will be more fun than dinner by myself.”
Wow, sounded like his life was even more depressing than mine. “Well then, I guess we should get going. We’ve got a busy evening of dinner and tears, and we’re wasting good crying time by standing around on the sidewalk.”
So, with our evening plans agreed upon, we hopped into our cars and I followed him to a place of his choosing. Since he was insistent on paying, it should be his choice as to where our food consumption/emotional breakdown would take place. Who knows, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad.
Tyler had excellent taste, choosing a small bistro rather than a large popular restaurant not far from Jeremy’s office.
It was renowned for being closed off from the press, the frosted windows not allowing outside eyes to peer at who was dining inside. Convenient when crying was on the agenda. And not that I had mentioned it, but I hated the idea of some random photographer catching me in my vulnerability. I’m sure they had more than enough for their stories about our break up; I wasn’t going to give them the tearful confirmation they craved.
“Luke know you’re interested?” I asked, taking a sip of wine as we waited for our food. “I have to be honest, if he knows, he hasn’t said anything.” And considering what we’d been through lately, I’d have hoped he would have mentioned it.
Tyler swirled the wineglass between his fingers as he tried to hide his grin. “Nah, he dated my college roommate so I don’t even think I’m on his radar. You know, can’t date your friend’s ex and all that.”
God he was adorable, a perfect gentleman who dressed well and had a good job and seemed to have a good heart. Exactly the kind of man I’d want for my best friend if I weren’t too busy being miserable. “No, you got it wrong.” I laughed, the first genuine one all night. “If Luke dated your ex or you date his, that’s when you have to invoke brocode. Dating friends of friends is allowed, unless there was shady behavior involved by either parties, and then no.”
“Sorry?” he asked, obviously missing my very clear explanation of dating etiquette.
I tried again, hoping to be more successful the second time around. “Did either Luke or your college roommate cheat, lie, steal or kill anyone during the course of their relationship?” Kill was a little extreme, but we needed to cover all our bases.
“No, Tom accepted a job offer in New York, and neither wanted to do the long-distance thing.”
“Well then you are in the clear. It’s not high school where you swore some allegiance or something. Everyone is an adult, so no boundaries crossed. You should let Luke know though, I think you two would really hit it off.”
“You think?” He sat up a little straighter. “Thanks, Claire. I might give him a call tomorrow and ask him out.”
“Just be yourself, and whatever you do, don’t lie to him,” I warned. It was a sad sorry state of affairs when I was the one handing out dating advice, but if I’d learned anything, it was how much it hurt when it went wrong.