At Last

by Aliyat Lecky

  “I said,” Richard stood with his arms opened for an embrace. “You can keep your relationship with her, if you remain discreet. I can live with that, as long as you stay.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No, I’m serious. I love you that much. I am willing to let you have a relationship with her as long as it doesn’t interfere with ours. I believe I am being more than fair.”

  “In the first place, Richard, you don’t mean what you’re saying. I know you. You say that, you pretend to concede, and then you put up as many roadblocks as possible, making it impossible for me to do just what you are suggesting. Secondly, I have never needed your permission to do anything. Goodnight.”

  Before Helen could make it safely to her room, Richard was at her door, preventing her from closing the shutting him out.

  “Helen, aren’t you even willing to discuss it? I am offering you the best of both worlds. I’m proving to you that I’m not the selfish bastard you think I am.”

  “Richard, discussion’s over. I’m not going to argue with you. I am exhausted.”

  “From last night, I suppose.” He pushed passed her into her room.

  “Well, there it is. Didn’t take you long to get to that, did it? I knew it was coming.” Helen knew she couldn’t force him to leave the room. She tried to ignore him by taking an extra-long time to get ready for bed. She felt like flexing her own passive aggressive skills. She remained in the bathroom until she was sure he was gone, but she exited her bathroom dressed for bed, only to find him sitting on the foot of her bed. Helen sighed audibly, not at all concerned that Richard’s feelings might get hurt. After all, he had barged into her room.

  He began again. “Listen, why don’t I call Noami and invite her to dinner? If you’re going to be involved, we may as well get more acquainted. What do you think about that?”

  “Richard, I can’t pull the covers up with your weight on the bed.” Helen pulled the covers to her shoulders. “You do as you like. If you want to call, Noami, call her.” She called his bluff. “However, do it from out there. I’m tired, and I need to go to sleep, if you don’t mind.” She turned over in the bed so that her back was to him. She expected he might remain there, despite her efforts to pretend he wasn’t.

  “Maybe we could commission her to paint our family portrait? We could be her patrons. She’d like that. First, she might paint us all, then David and Sydney’s family, even the girls, just the two of them. That would be adorable. We could offer her services to our friends and family. She would never have to work again, except for our circle of family and friends.”

  Helen had enough of Richard’s foolishness. “You are being ridiculous. And if you do not go away so that I can get some sleep, I am going to leave the house.”

  ***

  HELEN LAY IN bed hours after Richard finally departed. He had returned to her room three times after the first time she asked him to leave. Once with the guise of asking what she was planning to prepare for dinner the following evening, and twice to extol the benefits of them remaining married with Helen enjoying a side relationship with Noami. After the third visit, Helen scrambled out of bed and locked the door, so that no matter how long he pounded on the door, he couldn’t enter if she chose not to allow him entry.

  She knew it was no use. They couldn’t continue in this way for much longer. She would have to move out sooner rather than later, just as Angie proposed. Helen had hoped that she might go with Richard to marriage counseling to salvage a friendship out of the wreckage which was their marriage, but that wasn’t going to happen. If she remained in the house, Richard was going to drive her crazy, and he would grow to resent her even more for not giving him what he wanted. Yet that was the one thing she would not trade for his happiness. Angie was right on another point. It came down to her own happiness, or his.

  Almost as if on cue, her cell phone buzzed on the small bedside table. She picked up the phone to check the number, certain that it was Richard calling.

  “Hey, I was just thinking of you, Angie.”

  “Yeah, what were you thinking? That you’re going to kill me for letting Orlando go over there today?”

  “Why? Did you have anything to do with it?” Helen queried suspiciously.

  “Not at all. I didn’t even know ‘Lando was there until he came home. What did he say?”

  “I don’t know for sure. I didn’t actually see him. When I got home, I went to my room. He left shortly after that.”

  Angie gasped dramatically. “You tramp. Orlando said he didn’t leave until after two. Don’t tell me you spent the whole night and most of the day over there?”

  Helen laughed along with Angie. “Okay, I won’t tell you then.” She chuckled, happy to be chatting with her best friend who loved and supported her no matter what.

  “What could you two have possibly been doing from last night until two in the afternoon today?” Angie asked with lighthearted incredulousness.

  “Precisely what you think.”

  “Baking cookies?”

  “No, too fattening.”

  “Oh, too fattening, huh? Something less fattening, then? How about tossing salads? Were you there until midday today, getting your salads tossed, Helen?”

  Helen blushed alone in the pale lamp light. Angie had taught her that particularly colorful euphemistic vernacular years ago. “Yes, again, and again, and again. It was marvelous, Angie. I can’t tell you how many times I came. I really couldn’t. I swear I must have set a record.”

  “Yeah, yeah. I don’t actually want to hear about your multiple orgasms, as I will not be having any for a while.”

  “Why? Angie, what’s going on? Are you and Orlando having problems?” Helen was stunned at Angie’s last comment. She and Orlando had sex even when they were mad with each other. The news that they were abstaining was tremendous. “Angie, what’s going on?”

  “Don’t worry, girl, it will pass. It always does.”

  “Okay, but what will pass?”

  “Helen, I just think I’m a little disappointed with ‘Lando, but I don’t want to talk about it, not tonight. You are in such a good mood. I don’t want to bring you down. At least not after a night, and morning, like you had.”

  “No, Angie, talk to me. Besides, if Richard’s behavior can’t bring me down, nothing will. You sound like you could use another perspective.”

  “Maybe tomorrow. I’ll call you. Are you going to be tied up? And by tied up, I’m asking if Noami is into kinky stuff like tying you to the bed? You know, Helen, you always struck me as an undercover freak who might like that.” Angie laughed hard at her own joke. “Anyway, I’m actually in meetings most of tomorrow.”

  “That’s fine. I need to take the next couple of days and write. I haven’t been sticking to my schedule. How about Saturday? I’m meeting Noami at Bath’s on Saturday.”

  “Sounds like fun. I’m sure my fans there miss me.”

  Helen rolled her eyes. She was about to return the quip when she thought she heard Richard on the landing near her door. “Angie, I have to go. I’ll talk to you later. Promise me we’ll talk.”

  “Okay.”

  “No ‘okay.’ I mean it. I love you.”

  “Love you. Night, Helen.”

  Helen reached for her table lamp. She didn’t want to be bothered by Richard again. She had hoped by turning out the light, he would bypass her door, but she groaned when she heard the quiet tap on her door. Yet she was relieved to hear the accompaniment of a voice not belonging to him.

  “Mom, are you awake? It’s me, David.”

  “Oh, David. Hold on. Give me a second.” She scrambled out of bed and grabbed her robe.

  He hugged her when she opened the door for him. “Hey, Mom. Sorry, did I interrupt you? I thought I heard you talking to someone.”

  “I was talking to Angie when you knocked. I didn’t realize it was you at the door, so we ended the call.” Helen patted the bed next her. “Sit. What can I do for you?”

&nbs
p; “I was on my way home from a friend’s house, and I thought I’d come by to check on Dad. He’s in your room…his room getting ready for bed.”

  “Did you have a pleasant evening out with your friends?” Helen looked around the room, searching for an object on which she could focus. She felt slightly self-conscious talking to her son from the bed separate from her husband’s…his father’s.

  David studied her face for a moment. “You know, Mom, I’d like to talk to you. I want to make sure you’re okay, too.”

  “Me? David, I’m fine.” She motioned, so as to introduce the space in which they were sitting. “I just needed a little space to think, to consider what I’d like to do next. To explore who I am becoming.” With great effort, she smiled weakly. Her heart was breaking at the thought of disappointing him.

  David lowered his face so that Helen couldn’t read his expression. “Mom, we both know that this move is about more than you needing space.” He took her hand in his. “Mom, you don’t have to try to hide what’s happening. I know.”

  “What is it that you know, David?” Helen’s heart beat violently below her inexpressive face.

  “That you have discovered who you are.” He raised his hand before she could respond. “It’s funny, really. Jesse, remember her?”

  Helen nodded. She remembered David’s friend vaguely. She always thought the high school friend was rather odd, considering the way the young girl would follow her around like a little puppy when she came to visit, while David and the rest of his guests would be hanging out together elsewhere in the house. Helen thought Jesse was a young man until David set her straight.

  “She’s seen you.” He lowered his voice.

  “Seen me?” Helen barely voiced the two words. The dryness of her mouth trapped the remainder of her question at the back of her throat.

  “Jesse and her girlfriend hang out at a coffee house called Sappho’s Repose. You’ve been there. She’s seen you there. You and your friend.” His tone was gentle, and his face placid. A son tenderly exposing his mother. “She told me about a month or so ago. She says she was pretty sure you are together.”

  “David.” Helen held tightly to his hand, afraid he might take it away before she could explain herself. “I—”

  “At first, I thought she meant Angie, but she knows Angie, and was certain she’s seen her there, too.” David’s tone was almost apologetic, as if had intruded upon something very personal. “I wasn’t sure how to ask you about it.”

  Helen could see the emotion welling in his eyes. She reached forward to brush the spilled tear from his cheek, ignoring her own. “David, I didn’t want—”

  “Me to find out this way?”

  “Let me try to explain.” Helen’s greatest fear was coming to fruition. Her baby was confronting her about her affair with Noami.

  “That’s just it, Mom. I came to tell you two things. The first is that I know. The second is that you don’t owe me an explanation. Well, I guess three things. I love you.” He turned his face into her hand and kissed her there, the way he used to before he felt he was too old to do so any more. “Jesse says you two looked really happy.”

  Helen was at a loss for words. Here was her baby boy, all grown up and behaving like an adult, when he had every reason to conduct himself differently.

  “I have a confession to make. I’ve been there hoping to see you together. Not in, but passing by.”

  Helen pulled David into a tight embrace. “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologize to me. And I mean it. You don’t owe me an explanation.” He pulled back at arm’s length. “Does Dad know?”

  Helen nodded.

  He exhaled loudly. “I thought as much. Does Sydney?”

  She shrugged.

  “I want you to know, Mom, that this is difficult for all of us.” He seemed to be searching for words to express how he was feeling. “I’m doing my best not to personalize this. I know it’s not about anyone except you. I also want you to know that I’ll be coming around more to check on Dad. He’s…well. I’ll be here, if you need me, too.” David rose from the bed.

  Helen pulled him once more into a loving embrace. She didn’t want to let him go. What if he changed his mind about what he had discovered? What if, in caring for his father in his difficult time, David grew to resent her? Helen wanted hold onto the moment as long as possible.

  After some time, David pulled himself from her arms. “I’m gonna go. You take care.” With that, and a peck on the cheek that didn’t alleviate her anguish, he was gone again.

  Helen lay across her bed, wondering what Richard was doing in his bedroom, not because she was interested, but rather because it was easier than to dwell on her own circumstance. She wanted to avoid thinking about the mess she had created for herself. Helen concentrated on the space around her, listening for sounds of life outside her room, scrutinizing the dark shadows creeping up her walls, and tasting the bitterness she swallowed with each breath. No, there was no going back. The solitary road faced a forward direction.

  Truth be told, Helen hadn’t merely decided to fall in love with a woman. To make the decision would have been too straightforward. She was given no choice. What had occurred was much more complicated than the mere matter of selection or preference to love women. She surrendered to her own shadow, which had been with her all along, following her without fail in the day, and flying before her in the darkness. In doing so, she opened the floodgate on a life she had too long been deprived of.

  The weight of her own resolve pressed down upon her, and forced her to reflect on her recent choices. The unexpected understanding and support bestowed upon her by her son couldn’t absolve her from the guilt she felt. Her family was irreparably broken. The shattered pieces lay around her in shiny, sharp shards, which pierced the bottom of her feet, leaving minuscule slivers in her soles that served as stinging reminders of inestimable loss. Helen agonized over what she stood to lose, yet there was no going back. Helen had considered returning to her prior life. That possibility had somehow always been a prospect, just in case the risk became too great, or if going forward became too laborious an enterprise. Now, that option was no longer available to her. Not after her visit from David. He had laid the truth out before her. He was a witness. A member of her family. The precious factor she hoped to protect from her proclivity. Her family was broken. It no longer existed in the way that she loved. Helen would remain the mother, the daughter, the friend, and companion. She couldn’t be Richard’s wife. “Family” would have to be redefined. The family as she conceived it, as she worked so many years to nurture, was no more.

  In every person’s life, they are confronted with defining moments. Helen had always assumed that the choice she made years ago to equate happiness with the very family she designed for herself was her greatest defining moment. However, defining moments are not of our making, and are quite separate from the choices made. These moments occur when we face the inevitability of what must lie before us, and accept the inescapability of truth with grace and candor. Helen’s defining moment had not been to choose a life that featured familial ties that began with a strong, safe husband. Helen’s occurred the very second when she accepted the fact that she needed to love and be loved by women. For that, her whole and entire life changed.

  She did love Richard. She did love her life. She did love her family. But, she loved herself more. For the first time in many years, she loved herself more than all else, and despite the mess her life seemed to be, it wasn’t. No, there was no going back even if she wanted to. She could only move forward.

  Helen fell asleep with that very thought on her mind. For the first time in months, she slept soundly.

  FIFTEEN

  SATURDAY NIGHT AT Bath’s Wife was hot, notwithstanding the frigid temperature outdoors. The nightclub was teeming with gyrating, ecstatic partygoers whose only ambition for the evening was to dance the night away before they were forced back out into the cold around two o’clock to
seek the warmth of home and bed. Everyone present had enough of staying at home to fixate on soups and stews. By midwinter, ten-inch snow falls and subfreezing temperatures were no longer enough to prevent the ladies from venturing out of their cozy homes, leaving behind their woolen socks and long johns, and donning their sexiest best in quest of strong drink and late-night exploits.

  The clientele swinging at Bath’s Wife was loose, and in high spirits. All present were more than prepared to celebrate nothing in particular, and had each brought the party with them. The room was jumping. The crowd was exuberant. The drinks were poured tall and potent. Best of all, the music blared loudly, stirring even the wallflowers free of their leaning posture. The ladies who dared face the cold that night would be rewarded for their bravery by a night full of sport and fun, for that midwinter night at Bath’s Wife would prove to be well worth the trek out on an evening when most Minnesotans stayed at home.

  The night’s entertainment was not limited to the dance floor. Even the owners of the trendy club understood that merrymaking was not enough to induce a sufficient crowd out on a night like that. Therefore, announcements went out regularly, which read: Ladies’ Karaoke Night. Come and Sing the Night Away. With karaoke on the menu, the joint certainly was jumping.

  All the dramatis personae were in play. Lisa, Veda’s little sister, was onstage singing her heart out with her best friend, Jack. They were the first to go up for the night. Both ladies had a natural talent for singing, so Veda bribed them forward with assurances of free drinks, because she wanted as many folks as possible to try it out, and they made it look easy. Those who were audacious enough to brave the stage after them had a difficult act to follow.

  Everyone who was anyone remotely connected to the in-crowd was present and anticipating an excitement-filled evening. Veda and LaDonna sat together behind the DJ’s table, trying to induce customers to sing. Of course, each time a brave soul jumped on stage, they quietly ripped her to shreds, having more fun complaining about her lack of talent than really listening to the performance. Every once in a while, the pair would stand onstage to sing a love song, dedicating the song not to each other, but to couples sprinkled around the room. They were too cute for their own good, which added to Mom’s poor disposition.