At Last

by Aliyat Lecky

  Helen was uncomfortable with his proximity, and felt trapped by him. “Richard, we don’t have to do this now. Let’s take a little time to think about what’s happening.” She felt the need for escape.

  “Think about what’s happening? Helen, that’s all I’ve been able to consider lately. Do you believe that I take your desertion of our home lightly?” His question was rhetorical. He didn’t give her a chance to respond. “Of course not. I take our marriage seriously. I want us to work. I’ve made some mistakes, especially as of late. I am sorry for that, but very often, I’ve felt as I have no choice. I need you to understand where I am right now.”

  Desertion? Helen considered his choice of words. Yes, she supposed from where he was standing, she had abandoned their life together. “Richard, I—”

  “Please hear me out. I know you have a lot to say, but I need to get this all off my chest before you answer.” He took a deep breath. “I think we can make it work.”

  Helen wasn’t sure what he meant by it. Did he mean it as in their separation, or their marriage? Either way, she was certain she didn’t like the way the conversation seemed to be headed.

  “Helen, I’d like for you to consider staying together. Before you respond, you should know what I am proposing is to your benefit.”

  “Oh, how so?”

  “You could have what you want. You know what I mean. I want you back home. However you say.”

  “Richard,” Helen said. “That’s not going to work.” She was surprisingly immune to his appeal, because she knew him so well. Richard wasn’t there to appeal to his beloved wife to come home. He was there to proffer a business deal. Helen knew he loved her, but he was also proposing they remain together to support the illusion for his political career.

  “It’s not too late to come back. You can keep this place…for when you need it. I’ll even pay for it if you want. Imagine, you would have the best of both worlds. You could have your life in the city with Noami…” At least he didn’t appear to be unsettled by the mention of her name as he had before. “…or any other you might want to spend time with away from home.”

  “There is no other.” Helen could not let his attempt to dig at her go unchecked. Richard was attempting to get the upper hand by disarming her. “You know perfectly well there is no one else.”

  “I would even allow you to keep your friendships as long as they don’t interfere in our life. All that I ask is that you are discrete and not allow your affairs to destroy what we’ve worked so hard together to build.” Richard sat back in his seat.

  “No, Richard.”

  “Don’t answer immediately. I believe if you give yourself time to consider my proposal, you’ll find that what I have put forward is best for all involved. I urge you to consider what I have said before you answer.”

  “No, Richard.” Helen was adamant.

  “She’s that important to you?”

  “I’m that important to me.”

  “And our life together is of no importance to you, then?” He changed his tactic. “You once told me that I was everything to you. Was that a lie?”

  “At the time I said it, I meant it. Just as when you told me that you would never hurt me, you meant it.” She rubbed her forearm in the place where he left a black-and-blue token of his love. “You have, Richard. Did you mean that when you said it?” Helen wanted to ask him to leave, but thought it best to see the discussion to the end. He hadn’t, until this day, spoken so calmly about the state of their relationship.

  “I’ve hurt you?” He was incredulously surprised by her statement. “How on earth have I hurt you? You are the one who is destroying our marriage, and for what? A fling with some young artist who won’t be there when you really need her to be there. I hurt you? Unbelievable. Please explain to me, the injured party here, how I have hurt you.”

  “I’m sorry, Richard, I didn’t mean to say that. I only meant to say that it’s beyond just us. I cannot control who I am. I just am. I can’t go back.”

  “I don’t want you to go back. I simply want you to come home. I love you, Helen.”

  “I know. I love you, too, Richard, but not in the way you need me to love you.” She closed her eyes to think. She chose her words cautiously. Conscious of the potential for Richard to react sadistically to what she had to say. “I would like us to remain close, but we may need time apart for that to happen. Can you understand, Richard?”

  “Understand?” He waved his hand in frustration, overturning the heavy mug. Coffee splattered over her floor for the second time that morning.

  Helen made no effort to clean up the spill.

  “What the hell do you mean, do I understand? For months, I’ve been trying to understand whatever the hell it is you have been going through. I tell you what, why don’t you try understanding what I am experiencing for once? Try that on for size. Let me just tell you, then. My wife of twenty-six years is leaving me for a younger woman. Not some guy, a woman. Imagine, if you will how, I feel about that. Can you imagine what I might be going through?” Richard’s voice was tense.

  “Richard, if you can’t lower your voice and calm down, I’ll have to ask you to leave.”

  “Helen.” Richard, changed his demeanor. “I didn’t come here to quarrel. I want to tell you what is in my heart. I love you. I always will. I want you back as my wife. I’m too afraid to grow old by myself. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.” He sat again.

  “Richard.” Helen relaxed her hand over the side of his face. “You and I both know that we won’t work. Not like you propose. And as far as you growing old alone, we both know you won’t have to. Angie’s told me about the women you’ve been dating.” She chuckled at his surprise. “I assure you, I’m fine with that. I understand that there is one in particular in whose company you have been spending quite a lot of time. I admit I was a little jealous to hear about Connie. Understand that I am not jealous of her for taking my place in your life. It’s more because of the closeness that we shared that might be replaced by someone else.”

  Richard turned his face into her hand, kissing her lightly in the palm. “She will never replace you. No one will.”

  “No, I know intellectually she won’t. She will never be your first wife, or the mother of your oldest children, or your staunchest supporter. She may one day become the woman you love and cherish. I have to be honest. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I do know I love you enough to be happy that it may happen.”

  “Helen, she isn’t you. She will never be you. No woman can.”

  “Richard, you don’t want her to be. Not really.”

  Richard stood up, ready to leave. “I will never replace you. I love you. You know that. I want you to be happy, but I want you to be happy with me.”

  “I know. You have to move past that. You have to let me go. You have to move on with your life, even if it is with Connie.” She rolled her eyes.

  “I don’t suppose I can change your mind?” He smiled.

  “No, Richard, I don’t suppose you can.” She stood, pulling him with her, and walked with him to the door.

  “I guess I’d better go.”

  “Yes, I know, you’re going out of town this weekend with Connie. Our annual ski trip…without me.” Helen smirked slyly.

  “Angie told you?”

  “Angie.” She nodded. Angie had informed her that the newly formed foursome was planning the trip to Colorado, sans Helen. “She also informed me that you seemed excited to have Connie go.”

  “In fact, I am.” He blushed. “Helen, I will always love you. You know that?”

  “Yes. You have said so. I understand how you will always love me, because I feel precisely the same.” She ushered him out the door. “And Richard?”

  “Yes.” He turned to face her from inside the elevator.

  “The door man will not let you up again.”

  He nodded as the door closed shut.

  Helen returned to the kitchen to clean the coffee spills. Afte
r doing so, she grabbed the envelope that Richard left for her on the table beside his cup. Helen tore open the letter and read its contents:

  Helen,

  There is so much I need to say to you. I’m afraid that I won’t take the opportunity to tell you logically what I need to say when I see you. My heart controls my actions where you are concerned, and my emotions will take over. I tried to express this to you New Year’s Eve, but that went horribly wrong. My intention was to express how I feel about you, about our life together, but the alcohol I consumed clouded my judgment, and you were stunning that night. You were more beautiful than I have ever seen you. You do that, you know. You seem to get more striking with each day. It’s as though you are more beautiful than when we first married, if that is possible.

  I know that I have contributed to our problems. When I am lucid, I don’t place what has come between us solely at your feet. I do believe that if I were less selfish in our marriage, you may have been content to live the rest of your days by my side. That, because I didn’t fulfill your needs, you were searching for something, someone to bring to fruition what I was incapable of accomplishing. For that, I blame myself.

  At times, I was too engrossed in my business or political career to appreciate fully what I had. I knew you were not fond of your yearly party, yet I planned one every year, despite your protests. I saw that time as an opportunity to show off my perfect life, to flaunt you before all those who didn’t have you. Instead, I should have respected you, cherished you, and expressed how deeply in love with you I am. To you. It didn’t matter how lucky the others thought I was, because I was lucky, Helen. I know that now.

  I’m sorry. I am just as much to blame as you are for our failed marriage. If I had done things differently, if I hadn’t pushed you so hard, maybe we could be together. For so long, I took you for granted. I didn’t show you how much you were appreciated, and I should have. I should have shown you every day in a million different ways. I should have taken you in my arms and showed you how much you mean to me. However, I didn’t. That is my failing.

  Now, I cannot imagine my life without you. Even now, I continue to make the same mistakes. If I cared about your happiness more than my own, I should be willing to say goodbye and wish you well. Yet how can I say goodbye to you and let you walk out of my life, when all I want is for you to stay? You are my life. I am incomplete without you; I should have told you so. Our house is not a home without you. I am a world whose sun has extinguished, and I have lost my orbit.

  Please know that every time I should have said I love you, and neglected to do so, has come back to haunt me. You are my dearest love, and my greatest failure. I do not know how I will function without you by my side. I love you. Good luck.

  Richard

  TWENTY-ONE

  TIME PASSES QUICKLY when the anxious mind is otherwise preoccupied with matters that have little to do with the passing of the day. Helen had been standing on the river’s edge for longer than she realized, and had grown unbearably cold. She stood on the grey riverbank surrounded by snow and ice, wondering where time had gone. She had only meant to go for a short walk to clear her mind. The letter Richard left was difficult to shake from her thoughts. Helen had been unnerved by his devotion to her, and was engaged in an inner conflict since his visit. His words echoed in her head, causing an emotional response that was in direct conflict with her logical resolve to press on with her life. Was he right? Would she have been content to remain with him if he had loved her differently? She wasn’t so sure. After being with Noami, could she find happiness with Richard? Or rather, if Richard loved assiduously, would she have sought out Noami?

  Helen couldn’t answer that question with any certainty, yet what she did recognize for sure was that she was arrested by a great sense of guilt. She did love him, after all. Yet she couldn’t go back to him. She loved him, but wasn’t in love with him. Perhaps she had never been, not in the way she now realized she was capable of loving, from her very core, with everything within. Helen had never loved him that way. Their love had been easy, safe, and comfortable even, but never all-encompassing or life altering—not the way love could have potentially been with Maggie, or was with Noami.

  She closed her eyes, turning her face into the cold wind. The memories of a recent morning warmed her from within. Noami had pulled her out of sleep just as the sun rose with gentle caresses and kisses that swelled into passionate lovemaking. They had made love in the truest sense, expressing shared emotions and needs, forging a compact that tied them irrevocably together. The sun’s rays had laid a blessing on the union that was formed with avid declarations of love. That was what had been missing with Richard, an all-encompassing love.

  Helen’s attention returned again to the river. There was no discernable pursuit on the face of the Mississippi. However, beneath the thinning frozen surface, the current continued to flow, taking in its wake debris of past seasons, unseen, carrying through it proof of torrent river life, restive and frothy that would again become visible once the thaw came. There was no visible evidence, yet the river chased itself and churned fitfully, moving away from its head waters to the expanse of the Gulf of Mexico. Helen was feeling the same way.

  For so many years, she had suppressed a part of herself that had been most natural, held tightly in place by predilection, concealed by conviction and circumstance. This was her icy exterior. In spite of that, all along, that part of her still existed, surging in opposition to the torrent, pushing back, and waiting for the spring to melt away her resolve and liberate her very soul from its counterfeit visage. The few other people who had braved the bitter morning and passed her with a brief greeting or quick nod, were not at all aware that they were privy to a transformation that equaled the will and might of the mighty Mississippi. Just beneath the surface of her frozen façade, the flotsam of her life was presently being stirred by the current, sweeping away the jetsam of her regrets.

  Helen turned away from the river to return to her warm home. The frantic search of a lone, small bird, having arrived a little too early, caught her attention. A sparrow, perhaps, alighted from high above the riverbed, circling a tiny opening where the ice had begun to melt, worn away by the steady coursing of stream in center of the river where the frozen water was beginning to break up. From there, the creature flew inland. Helen watched the tiny bird flit and dart about anxiously in search of anything remaining of last year’s seeds. Finally, the bird abandoned its efforts and flew away, gradually disappearing altogether as a brown speck against a vast grey sky. Helen pulled her scarf from her face as she stepped into a bare patch in the snow on the ground. An indication of the imminent thaw.

  As the sun rose higher in the sky, the crisp bite of morning air warmed around her and the wintry chill of night surrendered to day. Helen pushed her hat from her face and undid her top two buttons. She had overestimated the frigid temperature. The day was going to be more temperate than she had anticipated. Satisfied that she was making the right choice, she returned to her new home in order to shed her heaviest winter garb. A few minutes later, she walked toward the downtown area, breathing deeply, taking in the fresh air fully cognizant that she, no longer encased in her old existence, was breaking out of an old life to new one. Winter, at last, was receding.

  TWENTY-TWO

  AS SYDNEY WALKED across the threshold, Helen experienced a peculiar sensation that she might have characterized as immense relief. Weeks prior to this visit, Sydney declined her mother’s invitation to come by, further vowing that she would never go to see Helen in her new home. Consequently, Helen was quite surprised when Sydney called to say that she wanted to treat her to a day at their favorite spa, and would arrive around noon to escort her to Village Spa and Tailor for a day of luxurious pampering.

  “Mom, before we go, I’d like to apologize.” Sydney spoke to her mother, yet focused her gaze beyond the entry elsewhere in the room.

  “There’s no need, Sydney. I understand.” Helen pulled Sydney furthe
r into the spacious living room. “Let me grab my coat.”

  Sydney looked around the room. Her eyes fell upon a beautiful bouquet of roses. “They are lovely.” She pointed to the crystal vase. “Did…?” She could not manage the question. She turned away from the flowers to Helen. “Where did they come from?” She didn’t really want an answer, but felt compelled to ask.

  “Noami brought them last night.” Helen didn’t wish to make Sydney uncomfortable on her first time coming over, but felt honesty was best. Besides, Sydney was an adult.

  “Is she still here?” Sydney looked past Helen, toward where she figured the bedroom was located.

  “No, she left about an hour ago.”

  “Oh.” Sydney felt like a little girl catching her parents in a compromising situation. “I’m sorry I missed her. I would like to meet her again. I’m afraid the last time I saw her I was a bit of a bitch. I will probably have to apologize for that stunt.”

  “Never mind, Sydney. She understands where you were coming from.” Helen buried her face into the roses and inhaled deeply, the scent of the fragrant blooms stirring up pleasant memories of the night before.

  ***

  HELEN’S HEART RACED as she gazed into Noami’s hungry expression. “Noami, I’d like to remain in this evening if you don’t mind?”

  Noami’s breathy response confirmed Helen’s plans for the evening. “That’s fine. I’m not terribly interested in dinner right now.”

  “I thought you said you were starving.” Helen handed her lovely guest the pinot gris. “White?” Noami nodded, accepted the bottle, but place it gently on the counter. Noami smiled at Helen’s instant relief. Helen felt a wave of tension wrench taunt between her legs as Noami closed the small space between them. She let out a soft moan as she leaned with eyes closed getting lost in Noami’s touch. Helen could see Noami’s hard, erect nipples protruding through her flimsy shirt as evidence of her mutual arousal. She smiled at Naomi’s hopeful expression. Noami didn’t appear the least bit embarrassed that Helen’s touch aroused her so. Helen relaxed into Noami’s exploration of her body. With every touch of Noami’s skilled hands, she became more aroused. Her body craved more of Noami’s touch. Her skin was cool and hot in places where her hands touched. Helen was aching, longing for further exploration and was hurting for deeper consideration. She wanted more. Her swollen female measure demanded Noami’s devotion.