Indulgence

by K. A. Berg

  Then, just as an orgasm started to coil inside me, my mind shifted from the onslaught of pleasure to why he was worshiping me the way he was. Where was this change in him coming from? This change that I loved, that my body hungered for. Was it wrong for me to love this side of Matteo?

  My mind had finally woken up and wouldn’t stop thinking.

  But the way his fingers dug into my hips, holding me to his mouth as I thrashed demanded and battled for my attention.

  His voice vibrated against my core. “Stop thinking. Just feel.”

  The bite to his words had me obeying as if I had spent a lifetime being trained to react to it rather than just having heard it for the first time twelve hours ago. The knot at the base of my neck loosened first. My shoulders and back dropped back down to the mattress. The giant birds fluttering in my stomach calmed, and my legs release the hold on Matteo’s head.

  “There you go,” Matteo cooed as he slid his fingers into me. “Turn it all off and let me make you feel good.”

  I blocked it all out and concentrated on his fingers and his tongue. He pinched my clit between his teeth and traced circles around it with the tip of his tongue over and over as his fingers got rougher and rougher. My hips moved as if I could suck his fingers deeper into me if I only tried hard enough. With my mind solely focused on what Matteo made me feel, I wanted it all.

  Matteo gave me everything I wanted without even knowing it.

  It only took a few swirls of his tongue to have me crying out his name as I came.

  “Matteo,” I chanted as he licked me through the last waves. Then he stood—a serious tent in his pants and sheen of moisture on his upper lip—and stared at me as if he were seeing me for the first time. It was disarming and erotic as hell.

  He dropped his pants, and his erection bobbed with its freedom. It looked painfully hard as he climbed up the bed until we were face to face. His lips captured mine, and I opened. Our tongues explored every recess of the other’s mouth. I could taste myself on him and while it usually grossed me out, I couldn’t get enough of it.

  Matteo poured his heart into that kiss while shoving his rock-hard erection against my pubic bone.

  His hand snaked between us so he could gather the evidence of my orgasm, using it to coat himself. We watched together as he aligned his dick and pushed inside.

  I gasped at the invasion. Matteo was of average size and a little on the thick side, but I swore it felt as though he shoved twelve inches deep inside me.

  “Argh.” He groaned, throwing his head back so I could see the muscle strain in his neck. “So tight, Nat.”

  My breath lodged in my throat as all the nerve endings in my lower body reignited.

  He pulled back and rocked into me again. And again. Each thrust harder than the last. I couldn’t catch my breath around the kisses and onslaught of sensations raging through my vagina. I was suffocating in pleasure. My walls quivered, trying to grip Matteo’s length, but he kept pulling back out only to drive in again.

  The bones of his hips slammed into the back of my thighs as the hairs from his legs tickled the delicate skin of mine in the most delicious way. He lifted himself up, his upper body looming over mine.

  “Come on, Nat,” Matteo demanded as his eyes bore into mine. His arms strained on either side of my shoulders. “I can feel it coming. Don’t hold back. Let it all out.”

  He was right, knew I was closer to coming than I did. It all barreled into me at once as the pure ecstasy pillaged through me like Vikings on a village raid.

  Our eyes locked as I screamed his name. It’d felt like I’d rode the tallest roller coaster all the way to the top only to drop back down at one hundred miles an hour into a smooth release. My orgasm came from a place deep inside me and ravaged my body.

  It took a moment for my breathing to return to normal, and as it did, I let loose a deep breath, feeling as if a lot was released during that moment. Almost as a catharsis. A tear slipped down my cheek.

  “Holy shit,” I cursed as Matteo kissed my face, my neck, and my shoulder. Good lord, I came so hard Matteo’s orgasm didn’t even register with me. “That was intense.”

  Matteo chuckled as he pulled his hips back, leaving my body. “I’m going to make us some coffee,” he said, wiping the wetness of my lone tear away. “I’ll give you a minute, and then we are going to talk about what just happened.” He gave me a pointed look as he stood from the bed, his erection still strong as he pulled his pants back on. “We’re going to talk about a lot, Natalie. No more secrets between us.”

  He was out of the room before my brain caught up with his words.

  There was only one secret that I was keeping from him, and there was no way he could’ve known about it. I hadn’t told a single soul.

  As he made coffee in the kitchen, I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. Eight fifteen. Jackson’s game was at eleven. I dragged my sex-tired body out of bed and hopped in the shower for a quick rinse while I tried to convince myself that Matteo wanted to discuss something else.

  Maybe he was the one with a secret. Did he get a promotion at work? No, he wouldn’t have hidden that. We would celebrate that—unless it involved us moving or something.

  Did an investment of ours go south? I didn’t handle our financial investments; that was Matteo’s department.

  But none of that would equate to us having the sex that we had.

  I wasn’t going to figure this out, so I dragged my ass from the shower.

  When I exited the bathroom, Matteo was sitting on the bed, his back against the headboard, a steaming coffee mug in his hand. There was another mug on the dresser for me.

  “What did you want to talk about?” I asked, going for casual as I walked into our closet to grab something to wear.

  “I want to talk about why you’ve been faking your orgasms for the last few months.”

  His voice was calm and even, as if he’d practiced saying those words without any inflection, without giving me any indication as to how this conversation would go.

  He knew. How could he know? There was no way.

  My instinct was to deny. Deny. Deny. Deny.

  There was no way he could prove that was true.

  I grabbed a sundress off a hanger and went back into the bedroom.

  “Matteo, I don’t—”

  He stood from the bed, cutting off my words. “If you finish that sentence and lie to me, I will be beyond angry. That will devastate me. Right now, I look at this as something you haven’t figured out how to tell me. If you lie, then it becomes something else entirely. Don’t do that. Not to me. Not to us.”

  The flush of embarrassment crept up from my toes. It burned as it radiated like acid through every part of my body.

  He always smiled at me after sex, kissing me and telling me loved me. I was certain he couldn’t tell the difference.

  But . . . he clearly knew, so what was I supposed to tell him? That our sex wasn’t doing it for me? That I’d been craving something more adventurous? Something more like last night and this morning? He seemed to have already figured that out.

  “I . . .”

  I didn’t know what to say. My voice wasn’t there. I couldn’t tell him what I needed.

  But he was the one who orchestrated this whole thing, Nat.

  He seemed to be fine with it, but would my admitting to something he only assumed change how casual he seemed to be about it?

  I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I didn’t want him to feel inadequate because it was the opposite. He was everything. What if this changed things? What if he felt insulted? What if he never looked at me the same again? There was a reason I hadn’t told him.

  He ate up the space that separated us, deposited his coffee on the dresser, and grasped my face between his hands. His thumbs swiped under my eyes, and wetness smeared across my skin.

  “Don’t cry.” His voice was soft and loving, which only made it worse. Sobs heaved from my chest as guilt took up residence in every molecule o
f my soul. I’d been deceiving my husband, the love of my life, the most amazing man in the whole world, and he was comforting me.

  God, that ate me alive from inside out. Feasting hard and fast on my conscience as if it were a flesh-eating bacterium.

  I couldn’t keep this to myself any longer. There was no way. I had to tell him, but I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to see his brightness dim, not even a bit, and I certainly didn’t want to be the reason for it.

  Chapter Six

  Matteo

  Shit! Tears were not what I intended for when I started this. I wanted to make her feel comfortable. Show her that I could do this, be this person she wanted or needed. The plan was supposed to draw her out of her shell, not push her deeper into it. I hadn’t been kidding about what I said, I didn’t consider this a lie at the moment, but I could sense she was about to deny what I knew was true. That wasn’t something I could settle for, no matter how much I loved my wife. Maybe I shouldn’t have been so blunt with her. Maybe I was too aggressive.

  “I . . .”

  Indecision warred on her features. Her arms wrapped around her body protectively as if she were shielding herself from me of all people. She never needed to hide herself from me, which was the whole point of this entire exercise, but with the way her skin flushed pink all the way to her ears, it was clear she didn’t feel the same way.

  The tear sliding down her cheek might as well have been an arrow shot through my heart. I hated seeing Natalie upset, and it was a thousand times worse when I was part of the reason for her tears.

  “Don’t cry.” I tried to sooth her frayed edges. I wasn’t sure what Natalie was going through, but I felt the need to tread carefully moving forward. My strong, resilient wife reminded me of the runt of a litter of kittens left behind to sink or swim on her own, only she wasn’t alone. She just needed to let me in so I could help her swim.

  Deep sobs heaved from her body, ripping me apart as I pulled her into my arms, and she buried her face in my chest.

  “Please don’t cry, love.” I stroked her wet hair as it soaked the T-shirt I’d thrown on while I waited for her to come out of the bathroom. “There’s no need to cry.”

  Her fingers clung to my shirt as if were her life raft in the storm she waged in her mind. “I’m sorry,” she murmured. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “What are you sorry for?”

  She looked up at me with so much emotions swimming in her brown eyes. “For this. For me. Because you are everything, and it’s me. It’s me. It isn’t your fault.”

  Jesus! I had so many things to say to her, but she needed to explain first. I was running on assumptions and, eventually, that could turn into trouble.

  “Nat, love, I need you to open up. You need to let me in for this to work. I need to know what’s going on.”

  Her lips turned down into a frown. “I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Seeing you like this,” I explained, sweeping a chunk of wet hair off her face, “knowing something is bothering you and you not letting me fix it is hurting me.”

  She blinked as her eyes volleyed back and forth between mine. “Natalie, I promise you. It will all be okay. Once you finally get it out into the open, you’ll see that.”

  She took a deep breath. Then another. Then another. Her lips parted as she let the words escape on a bated breath as if they were the worst betrayal of all. “I’m bored, Matteo.”

  It should have stung, and for some men, it would have, but not so much for me. All I wanted was a happy life with a happy wife. If that meant kinking up our sex life, I could take one for the team.

  Fear and remorse swarmed her eyes. It was as if she was waiting for me to drop my arms and step back from her, as if I were going to shame her and walk away.

  Instead, I smiled, letting her know that I wasn’t hurt or mad or upset. “I know.”

  Her brows pinched together. The brown in her eyes swirled as her lips pouted. She opened them to say something but then closed them. She opened them again and repeated the pattern two more times before asking, “How?”

  I kissed the tip of her nose before grasping her hand and leading her to the bed to sit. I grabbed our coffees off the dresser and handed over hers because we were still on a time limit and Natalie definitely needed to drink at least one full cup of coffee to function correctly. Maybe I should have had her drink that before we started this conversation.

  “Because I know you, love.” I smiled, standing in front of her while she sat. “I knew you were faking it from the first time.”

  She shook her head as if she could make that statement untrue.

  “No,” she muttered.

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “How?” she asked again. My revelation reduced her to one-word sentences.

  “Simple,” I replied before bringing my mug to my mouth. The coffee had no taste as I drank because my focus was on Natalie and only Natalie. “I know what you look like when you come. Your acting skills were commendable, but you forgot one thing.”

  Her fingers curled tighter around the mug cradled between her palms. “What’s that?”

  “You closed your eyes,” I told her. “You never close your eyes.”

  “Okay, but how did that mean I was bored?”

  “I didn’t know you were bored. I just knew you were having to fake orgasms. I knew something was wrong, but you never said anything.” I raised an eyebrow, but when she didn’t offer up an explanation, I continued, “I waited and waited until I couldn’t wait any longer, so I snooped through your iPad to see what I could find out.”

  There were no traces of anger on her face. Her shoulders didn’t stiffen. She barely moved except to shake her head slightly as if the pieces still didn’t fit together correctly. “But I never said anything to anyone, how could you have known?”

  “Your search history was a big tell.”

  The pink returned to her cheeks but darkened to a deep rouge. She stammered over her words, tripping over her tongue, trying to find something to say as if she even needed to explain herself. “That was . . . I mean—you were never supposed to see that.”

  Taking the coffee from her hand, I put both of our mugs back on the dresser. I sat next to her and took her hand in mine and shook my head. “Why not? You don’t have anything to be ashamed of. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting a little spice, love. All you had to do was tell me.”

  Her eyes glistened. “It didn’t start out that way. At first, it seemed more like I couldn’t concentrate. My mind wouldn’t stop thinking about the kids or work or laundry. We were always rushing. I had a hard time getting into it. Not all the time but often enough that I started faking. I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I didn’t want you to think that you weren’t enough for me or anything, but I couldn’t stop imagining myself as those girls in the videos.”

  With a thumb, I wiped away a tear that hung from her lashes. “We’re humans. We’re supposed to grow and expand our horizons. Even in the bedroom. It’s healthy. Keeping things from me is more hurtful than your honesty. I’d like very much for you to tell me what’s been going on.”

  She seemed to have an internal battle for a few moments as she looked down to the hands wringing in her lap and back to my eyes. “What do you mean exactly?”

  “Tell me what you fantasize about?” I clarify and let my lips tip up in a grin. “As you can see, I’m not opposed to the idea of playing them out. I just need to know what you’re thinking about. What you want. There’s no judgment from me, love. All I want to do is make you happy. Making you happy makes me happy. And, in case you were wondering, last night was absolutely amazing. I wasn’t sure how I’d feel being in that role, but I liked it. A lot. It was hot. There are no other words to describe it.”

  “What role is that?”

  “An Alpha,” I said with a flick of my wrist. “Or whatever you call those guys from your books.”

  “My books?” She chuckled. “You read them?”

  “Just a few
,” I admitted, trying to look chagrin. Reading her books was the slightly embarrassing truth of how far I’d go for my wife. “You and the girls always talk about how much you love the men in them. I figured that could give me some insight into what was going on in your head and what you were looking for.”

  “Wow, you really went all out on the research, huh?” I shrugged. “Why didn’t you just ask me like you are now?”

  “Because I wanted you to tell me.” I paused and gave her a pointed look, letting my eyes convey some of my frustration with her and her secret. “And, when you didn’t, I figured you were convincing yourself that you were the problem. I needed to show you—as well as see for myself—if this was something you wanted.” I paused again. “Or if we were dealing with something else altogether different.”

  The unspoken question hung heavy and ominous between us. Did she want this or did she want someone else? I was steadfast in my confidence in our relationship, but having Natalie confirm it couldn’t hurt the situation.

  She picked up my question without the words and shook her head. “I love you. You are who I want. It’s just I was stuck in my head, imagining all these different things. I kept thinking about what it would be like if you smacked my ass or pushed me down and just had your way with me or . . .”

  “What if there was someone else filling you with me?” I gave her a cheeky smirk. I knew she favored that kind of porn, and one of the books she had recently read was about best friends who shared a woman.

  She didn’t return the smirk, clearly too stunned to form words, so I cut her a break.

  “What?” I stood and pulled her up with me. “You seemed to like those videos best. And you had quite a few highlighted sections in that ménage book. It isn’t a big deal. We have plenty of time to figure out if you really want it. What we don’t have much time for, however, is getting to Jackson’s game.”

  She shook her head, still slightly bewildered by the chain of events of the morning. It seemed to me that she was still a little uneasy with the whole situation. I didn’t want that. I had some time to adjust to her wants, to embrace them. She needed some time to do the same. To understand that nothing was going to change in our relationship because of this. I pressed my lips to hers and then smiled, giving her the out I knew she needed at that moment. “You don’t have to lay it all out now, Nat. We have time. But stop hiding it from me. Talk to me when you figure out how to put it into words.”