Indulgence

by K. A. Berg

  Holy shit.

  That I didn’t see coming. I had to sit on the bench outside the elevators of the parking garage to try to absorb it all. Natalie felt insecure. I had no idea she felt threatened in that way. I understood how the idea of Brooke ending up pregnant scared her, that was common sense, but she never said anything about the jealousy. And I never suspected. I’d assumed that she felt as steadfast in our relationship as I did.

  “What is it that you want to take back?” I asked to no one but still genuinely wanting to know. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy the experience, but I wanted to know why Natalie hadn’t. That was something we were going to need to discuss.

  A wave of pure sadness washed over me as she continued trying to explain. “When I woke up the next day, everything felt wrong. But it didn’t feel wrong until after. We had fun. I enjoyed myself during it because you were enjoying yourself. I wanted to give you something I assumed you wanted as you had done for me so many times.”

  Wait what?

  That was a volley of arrows piercing my heart. I never asked for that. I didn’t need it.

  “I know what you’re thinking, and no, you never asked for that night with Brooke, but you’re a man and what man doesn’t want to see his wife with another woman or have a threesome? I guess I figured it would be like that night with Adam, so why not give you that experience?”

  My heart pounded in my chest as I thought about what she was implying. Did she plan that night with Brooke ahead of time?

  She answered my thought in her next confession. “I didn’t set out to find a woman to bring home with us for anything, but Brooke was kind of into me and she was definitely attracted to you. The idea popped into my head and I ran with it. Let it all play out once things started moving in that direction. I didn’t plan it, but I didn’t stop it. Everything is fun when you’re drinking, and it doesn’t really register as something that is happening in real life. How do I live with this mess I’ve caused? How do I live with this jealousy and regret? I thought I could handle it and be strong like you, but I’m not.”

  The sounds of her swallowing interrupted her words, which were becoming a bit more frazzled and her pitch grew higher as the words tumbled out faster. “This whole thing is my fault. I know that. I started us down this path with my stupid desires. What the hell am I supposed to do now? I can’t take it back. It happened, and now I have to live with it. I couldn’t have just been happy with a normal sex life like all the other married couples? I had to want more, and now I’ve ruined everything.”

  By the end, she was crying. And hiccupping. I stood from the bench, wanting nothing more than to wrap my arms around her whether she wanted them there or not. “It’s eating me alive, Matteo. The sadness in your eyes, the images I can’t get out of my head, the regret. I just can’t.”

  The beep over the line signaled that the message had ended. “Oh, love, nothing is necessarily ruined. You just needed to have told me this about ten days ago.”

  If I had known the root of the problem for Nat’s behavior, I would’ve known how to better handle the situation. We both needed to find security and safety within one another again.

  She left that message about an hour ago. It was after ten, but I pressed the call back button as I made my way to my car any way. It went to voice mail as I had a feeling it would.

  I pulled up Penelope’s number, knowing she’d answer, and I could at least check on Nat.

  “Hey,” she answered on the third ring.

  “How is she?” I asked as I hit the button on the remote to open my trunk. I tossed my suitcase inside. “She left me an emotional message about an hour ago.”

  “She’s going to have a bit of a hangover tomorrow.” Penelope sighed. “I was pretty hard on her the day you left. She’s coming around but is riddled with guilt and regret. The wine started as soon as she got home from work today. She cried for about twenty minutes after her phone died during her message. She’s passed out now. She also spoke with Jackson and Emma today, and I think that made things worse for her. With you all being apart, she is really spiraling.”

  I knew I needed to follow through with my idea and start to piece our life back into place. One of us needed to take charge, and Natalie certainly wasn’t in any condition to do so.

  Taking a deep breath, I exhaled slowly. “We’ll get through this, Pen. I’ve got somewhat of a plan, I think. Just keep an eye on her for right now, all right? Now that there is no baby for her to focus on, I think she is coming to terms with everything she said in her message.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Natalie

  It was amazing how fast and deep we fell from grace.

  One day, everything was chugging along just fine, and the next, I found myself leaving long rambling, semi-drunk messages on Matteo’s voice mail because it was easier to say what I needed to a machine than the man himself.

  It wasn’t easy for me to accept my responsibility in this situation. I knew it was my fault. I knew I needed to accept that in order for us to move on.

  Matteo: I got your voice mail. Can we meet later to talk about what you said last night?

  The Metro Portland opened next week, and I was finding myself constantly pulled between the two locations. Tonight, I’d head down to get things finalized because Bastien’s showing opened Tuesday evening.

  Natalie: I’m leaving for Portland tonight for an early morning walk through. I need to leave for the airport at 8.

  Matteo: How about 6?

  I’d been putting off packing for my trip to the last minute because I didn’t want to go back to the house for my suitcases or clothes. Penelope was great at sharing her to-die-for closet with me, but I needed to suck it up and get my own stuff.

  Also, I needed to face my bedroom, and I hoped that would be easier to do alone.

  The entire drive home, I gave myself a pep talk about how it was just a room and I was strong enough to block it out. This was our home, so I had to find a way to get over it. My lunch rumbled in my stomach anyway. A huge rock of discomfort sat in my chest.

  When I pulled into my driveway, Adam’s truck was parked in it and there was a pick-up truck with construction supplies in the bed parked along the curb.

  Curious and a bit worried, I trotted up the path to the front door and let myself in.

  Adam was on the couch in the living room, flipping through a sports magazine. He looked up at me and smiled softly. “Hey, babe.” He rolled the magazine in his hand and stood to give me a hug. “How are you?”

  He obviously knew about what was going on between Matteo and me. He had a hundred questions swimming in his eyes, but I had a more important one. “I’m all right. What are you doing here though? Did something break?”

  He looked torn. His eyes darted toward the hall as he bit his lip in contemplation.

  “If he didn’t tell you, then I think maybe it’s supposed to be a surprise.”

  There was a good chance I’d never enjoy a surprise again. Recently, I’d developed a strong appreciation for things being planned and organized. Nothing could come and mess things up that way.

  I didn’t see anyone working from where we were in the living room, but I heard the sound of work being done somewhere inside. “Adam, I’m going to find out either way. I’m here.”

  He gripped the back of his neck. “Listen, I don’t know much about the whole plan. He just asked me to fill in for him here to let the crew in. I don’t think he was expecting you to stop by.”

  What difference did that make? “Probably not. But what does that have to do with anything?”

  Adam looked torn. “I don’t want to ruin any plans he may have with this. Why are you here anyway? Are you sneaking in whenever Matteo isn’t here to avoid seeing him? That’s so messed up, Natalie.”

  I shook my head and dropped my bag to the floor. “No, not avoiding him specifically. I’m avoiding all the memories that come rushing back to me when I step through the door. I’m heading to Portlan
d tonight, so I need my suitcases and more clothes. I can’t put it off any longer.”

  The sounds of ripping masking tape filled the air. The smell of latex tickled my nose the closer I got to my bedroom. When I stepped into the threshold, the first thing I saw was that all the furniture was piled in the middle and covered with a tarp. There were two guys in the room, painting the walls a dusty rose. The taupe carpet had been replaced with dark walnut hardwood. A ceiling fan replaced the old light fixture over where our bed used to sit. The operative phrase there was used to since there was no longer a bed in the room.

  “He pulled some strings with his uncle and got a crew to come in to redo it.” He looked down at me. “They’ve been at it since around eight this morning.”

  Tears welled in my eyes. We were both mad, but even at our lowest point, he still thought of me. He still tried to make things better for me.

  Adam wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I laid my head against him and sighed. Why couldn’t I shove all this in the past and move on? Why was it so hard for me but Matteo made it look so easy? Why couldn’t I decide if I was mad or not? My emotions were flopping around like a fish out of water.

  “Why won’t you come home, sweetheart?” Adam asked as we watched the man paint the neutral color on the walls. “What happened?”

  I looked up at him. “How much has he told you?”

  “I know the chain of events.” His words were soft. “I’ve heard Matteo’s version, but that isn’t the same as yours.”

  My lungs burned as I sucked in a breath and held it in for a few beats. I exhaled slowly, savoring the sting in my chest. “It wasn’t like the night with you. With you, it was an experience, and then we went right back to who we’ve always been. We didn’t spend the night together. I don’t mean this offensively, but you were an added bonus to an experience between Matt and me.”

  That didn’t seem to bother him. “And with the other woman?”

  “When I think about it, I feel jealousy and regret. It seems I have a problem with him being intimate with other women.”

  Adam chuckled. “If you think Matt wasn’t jealous when we were together, you were either not paying attention or were too distracted to see. We talked about everything beforehand so he knew what was coming every step of the way. I knew my place, and Matteo knew that I did, which made it easier for you to trust and enjoy. But that didn’t mean he wasn’t ticked off at the way you fell apart on my tongue. Why do you think he wanted me to see how he could make you come?”

  He made sense. Matteo had drilled me with a ton of questions when considering the threesome with Adam. With Brooke, clearly nothing was planned. “I was trying to give him something cool, and it backfired.”

  Adam smiled as he squeezed me tighter. “Next time, you should ask him. That is, if you ever consider trying something like that again. Don’t be so quick to swear off all girl-on-girl action.” He waggled his eyebrows like a typical dude. “You just need to find the right partners and maybe have a discussion before all the clothes come off.”

  I doubted I’d ever have another threesome, but his advice was logical.

  “Can I help with the suitcases?” He looked at my outfit, which was a maxi-skirt, crisp white T-shirt, and chunky brown belt, and then turned to the bedroom. “I doubt you want to risk getting paint on yourself.”

  Or risk Penelope’s wrath if I ruined her clothing.

  “Thanks.”

  He smiled. “It will all work out, Natalie. I’ve never met a stronger couple than you and Matt. Don’t give up.”

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Matteo

  Natalie was seated on Penelope’s porch swing when I pulled up. She looked the same as she always did but different at the same time. She looked calm, yet still a bit unsettled.

  I hated that we were still so far apart emotionally when we couldn’t seem to stay in the same city for more than a day or two at a time this week. I had no idea how we were going to pull off parents’ weekend with the kids in two days if we didn’t get to talk through all the things Natalie left in her message.

  I wanted to plan a way to have this conversation where things weren’t rushed and we could talk it all through, but it seemed our work schedules had other plans for us. I had to take what I could get. We couldn’t continue to push this aside.

  Natalie looked nice as I stepped onto the porch. Her dark hair was swept off to the side, and she had on a navy-blue dress. Her eyes seemed a bit brighter than they were in the beginning of the week.

  She smiled weakly before adverting her eyes. “Hi.”

  “Hi,” I replied as I sat next to her.

  She kept her focus out on the front lawn. “How was your trip?”

  “Fine,” I responded, following her lead with the small talk. “How are things with the gallery?”

  In the midst of everything going on, I’d kind of forgotten about the Portland opening.

  “The final inspections are tomorrow morning,” she said, picking at some invisible lint from her skirt. She still hadn’t made eye contact. “The painters will come in after and the set-up crew will be in with all the fixtures to start hanging things when I get back on Sunday.”

  She wouldn’t miss parents’ weekend on Saturday for anything short of the world collapsing. “Are you flying back in tomorrow or Saturday morning?”

  “Tomorrow.” Natalie finally turned toward me. “I saw the bedroom.”

  Again, I nodded, not knowing what response she wanted from me. Was she upset that I had the bedroom redone or relieved?

  “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

  I nodded for a third time.

  “Why?” It was several questions rolled into one. Despite this chasm between us, I could still read between Natalie’s lines.

  I dug the corner of my nail into the wood of the arm rest on the swing. Which why did I answer first? “You made it clear that you didn’t think you could ever feel comfortable in our bedroom again. Selling the house would be a drastic decision, so I decided to see how this would help first.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about it?” she asked.

  “It was easier,” I said shrugging. “If I just redid the room and showed you, I’d hoped that it would make things less hurtful. I didn’t want you to think about the reasons we were redoing it. Just that it was a whole new room with new memories to be made.”

  By taking all the decisions away from Nat, I thought she wouldn’t have to think about everything with Brooke anymore. The whole idea of this was to move past what went down that night.

  “Knowing that you had it remodeled makes me feel . . .” She paused to think about her words, and my body braced for a battle. Maybe doing major home renovation without speaking with her first was a mistake. “Loved.”

  Her words slammed into me, but for an entirely different reason. “Loved?”

  She nodded.

  “Had I not made you feel loved before?”

  She shook her head and my face fell. “It isn’t what you’re thinking.” She rushed out. “What I mean is that when I saw that you changed everything about our room, it felt like the night all this began. It was that first night when you arranged a whole dinner and sex. I mean I get that I said I didn’t think I could return to the bedroom, but, to me, it felt like you were taking care of me when I couldn’t do it for myself. Even though I didn’t truly deserve your empathy and compassion. You knew I’d struggle so you shifted the burden from me to you. The room looks pretty and new. I love it and I hadn’t even seen the finished project. Now, when I think of the room, I can focus on the pink on the walls and the fan I always said I wanted during the summer. I can see you loving me even at my lowest.”

  I’d always had an understanding of what Natalie needed before she did. It was part of the connection we had. It was part of what made us work so well together. It wasn’t hard to see that we needed to make some drastic changes to get the ball rolling in the right direction.

  “I’m glad that you like i
t.”

  “But?”

  My eyes searched hers. “But we are ignoring the elephant in the room.”

  “Ugh.” She groaned and slowly blinked, shaking her head. “Drinking and feelings and cell phones don’t mix.”

  My hand instinctively went to her thigh. Her skin burned under my palm. “You needed to say all that, Natalie. You should have unloaded it days ago. It would have been a little easier to understand your behaviors. I didn’t know that you were feeling jealous of Brooke. I thought you were just angry and scared. If I had known you thought that Brook was just going to walk into my life and replace you, I could have assured you that would never happen. No matter what the situation.”

  “Just because you say it doesn’t mean that I would’ve accepted it.” She sighed heavily. “Everything is a mess up here.” She tapped her head. “I can’t seem to cope with the fact that I did this to us. I can’t seem to see how to go back now?”

  A sheen of wetness coated Natalie’s eyes, but she blinked it away quickly looking back out to the lawn.

  I squeezed her thigh. “If we want to move forward, together, you are going to have to speak up about your feelings. We can’t live two separate lives and expect things to fall back into place. It’s killing me, Natalie.”

  The wetness thickened in her eyes and collected in the corner. “I . . .”

  She needed to understand that we couldn’t heal separate. We needed to heal together. “I’m a family man. My life is rooted to my family. I love my children. I love my wife. But for almost the last two weeks, it’s just been me. On my own. It’s like living this life I don’t want is sucking the life out of me. I feel like I’m a boat out to drift with no anchor. You’re my anchor Natalie. I couldn’t ever have a life that isn’t rooted to you and the one we’ve created.”