by Anne Malcom
“Whoa Gwen.” Rosie gaped at me in astonishment. “You are like super restrained, I don’t know any of Cades exes who wouldn’t be up there ripping Ginger’s throat out.”
“That’s probably why they are his exes.” I decided and take another pull of Amy’s beer. I was slightly pissed that my boyfriend hadn’t gotten mine like he promised. Maybe I was more pissed about the ‘him talking to a slut part’.
“Now can we stop wasting breath on Queen Bitch and talk about something else?”
“Gladly.” Lucy started talking about one of the men from another charter who she was crushing on.
Not long after that, I got a tap on my shoulder and turned to see Lucky smiling down at me with a beer.
“Hey Princess, Cade got caught up, asked me to give you this.” He handed me the beer sitting down beside me.
“Thanks Lucky.” I smiled at him. “What’s new?”
He rolled his eyes, then gave me a sad look.
“Bitches Princess, they are driving me crazy, don’t know what they are thinking half the time, drives me insane.” He grumbled. “Sorry.” He added looking sheepish.
I laughed. “It’s okay.” I took a swig of my beer. “Tell me all about it.”
Lucky didn’t need much probing, he launched right into the stories of his women troubles, talking easily to me, I started to like him more and more as the conversation went on. He obviously had respect for women, he just dated too many at the same time. During our chat, more men came to shoot the shit and introduce themselves. Most were friendly, albeit it scary. Some were flirty, and very attractive, giving Amy lots of attention, which she was lapping up. I started to feel a little intimidated by the men as night went on, they were getting rowdier, but I pushed through it, drinking more beer. Lucky stayed by my side for ages, he kept me feeling calm. I was starting to get a bit pissed Cade hadn’t showed up, primarily because of the way Ginger was with him, I scanned the yard and couldn’t find either of them. Great. My eyes did fall on Bull though, sitting apart from the group, in front of a fire drum. I saw his eyes in the flickering light and something in them alarmed me. I got up, purposefully, Lucky stood too.
“Algood princess?” He asked, the concern in his eyes registered. Cade told him, the prick.
“Yeah Lucky I’m fine, just got to do something.” I replied.
He followed my gaze. “Wouldn’t if I were you Princess, he doesn’t like company so much lately.”
“I’ll be fine.” I responded before turning into the party and making my over to Bull. After multiple glares from some women, and winks from the men, I made it over. I sat beside Bull on the bench and he didn’t even look up.
“Don’t want company Gwen.” He muttered, staring down at the beer in his hands.
“Too bad.” I shot back and he glared up at me, hoping to scare me away. I didn’t move, he shrugged his shoulders and returned to contemplating the fire. I followed his gaze, watching the flames, sitting in silence for a bit. I had also seen Bull a lot during the past week, him and Cade seeming to be attached at the hip. Every time I saw him I became more concerned.
“Haven’t told anyone this.” I started, speaking softly. “Not even Amy, my brother, no one. I would appreciate it, if after I tell you, we keep it between you and me.” I hoped he wouldn’t go running to Cade. Bull continued to ignore me and I decided to take it as agreement.
“I tried to kill myself 6 months ago.” I stated, voice flat. Bull’s body stiffened, but he stayed silent.
I was telling the truth, only me the doctors that treated me and one other person knew about this.
“I was going through some shit...” I started.
“Know about that.” Bull clipped.
“Cades been sharing I see.” I was annoyed but kept on speaking.
“Anyway, I wasn’t dealing with things well, wasn’t eating, going through intense rehab. I hardly slept, nightmares, flashbacks whatever.” I shook my head. “Memories of the night, their faces. Sometimes I would wake up screaming, screaming so loud, neighbors would call the cops, they were convinced someone was getting murdered. Eventually they stopped calling. I saw what I was doing to my friends, family. I wasn’t coping, I was a burden on everyone I loved. Caused them pain, I could see it in their eyes, couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t stand the feeling I had under my skin either, the feeling of dirt, scum, I couldn’t get it out no matter how hard I tried, couldn’t get clean. I decided one day, I couldn’t do it anymore, not to myself, couldn’t lived trapped in my nightmares, couldn’t let my family deal with it either.” I took a breath and saw Bull was staring at me intensely.
“So I made a plan. I had a date, a date when I was going to finally put myself out of the pain, and put my family out of it too. Yeah they would grieve, but at least they wouldn’t have to watch me rot from the inside out. They wouldn’t have to experience me fading away, worry about me all the time. The date came closer, adrenaline starting running through my veins, I started to get a bit perkier, knowing the end was near. Not happy. I would never be happy.” I felt a lump start in my throat, but I had to keep going, Bull had to hear this.
“It was a Monday and I didn’t want anyone to find me, find my body. I didn’t want to do that to the people I loved. So when everyone was at work I was going to call the ambulance, once I knew it was too late. I was just about to swallow a whole bottle of sleeping pills when my friend turned up. Lucky for me, I had a friend who had been watching me, knew the signs. He had a gut instinct he said.” I looked at Bull in the eyes, put my hand over his, he flinched but didn’t pull away.
“He saved my life.” I whispered. “I wasn’t grateful at the time, I was angry so angry. Why couldn’t he let me make my choice, have control get peace? Why couldn’t I have some power when everything else was taken away from me?” I gazed back into the fire.
“Didn’t get it then, didn’t think life was worth living. I didn’t understand how cruel that choice would have been on the people who cared. I didn’t understand how much they cared I had been too wrapped up in my own sorrow. I started to realize though, I saw the love I had around me, I started to see again.” I regarded him fiercely. “I know the look Bull, know the dead behind someone’s eyes when they have given up, planning something, going to check out.”
He narrowed his eyes.
“I know it cause I used to see it in the mirror every day.” My eyes glistened. “I can’t even imagine your pain. To feel what you carry around, what you have lost. But I know what she felt.” Bulls grip on my hand tightened. “I know what she went through, I went through the same, but the man I loved was the one killing me, beating me. She knew the man she loved would be doing everything in his power to get her back.” Bull flinched.
“She would have died feeling that love Bull. My heart weeps for you, truly.” I stared into his lifeless eyes. “Don’t give up, don’t let those fuckers take two lives instead of one. You got love around you, I haven’t been here long but I can see it. Don’t give up.” I gave his hand a squeeze and stood.
“If you’re going through hell, just keep on going. You’ll make it out eventually.” I whispered, leaning in and kissing his cheek, before I walked back to the party. I said my piece whether it was my place or not. I felt a hand grab my arm roughly. I panicked for a second before my gaze locked with Cade’s.
“What the fuck babe? I’ve been searching for you everywhere and you’re off in some dark corner will Bull?” He hissed, eyes dark with rage, I smelt alcohol on his breath and wondered if he we drunk. Did him and Ginger share a bottle of Jack?
I ignored his hurtful words. “Don’t let him out of your or the boys sight.” I ordered sharply. Cades eyes snapped to attention.
“Why?” He barked.
“Just don’t. And make sure he isn’t armed.” I continued and understanding flickered in Cades eyes.
“Fuck!” He bit out, completely sober.
I nodded in the direction of the fire. “Go sort out your brother, I’ll go home
with one of the girls.”
“No you’ll stay here, in my room, I’ll show you there now. Wait for me.” He ordered. “Can’t be without you tonight baby.”
I smiled a sad smile and began to nod, that was until I saw lipstick on the side of his neck. As mentioned before, I wasn’t wearing lipstick. I didn’t want to make a scene, distract him from helping his brother but I sure as shit wasn’t sleeping in the bed he most likely fucked Ginger in either. I’d probably catch Chlamydia.
I pulled on his arm. “Just have to say a quick goodbye to the girls, won’t be a sec.” I quickly pecked his cheek and scampered off knowing he was hot on my heels. I reached the table where Amy was currently chatting up Dwayne Johnson.
“Well there you are! Cade’s been looking for you everywhere, he is not a happy chappy!” Amy chanted.
“You drive?” I asked quickly.
Amy caught my tone and nodded. “Couldn’t drive now though. I’m three sheets to the wind girlfriend.” She sang.
“Give me your keys.” I commanded holding out my hand.
She grabbed them out of her bag and threw them to me.
I saw Cade approaching out of the corner of my eye and I gave Amy a hug while whispering in her ear.
“I’m taking your car, don’t say anything in front of Cade, just goodbye, text me if you need picked up?” I told her quickly.
She frowned at me as I released her back but she nodded.
“See you girl.” I said loudly, then turned to the rest who were looking well and truly hammered, I blew them kisses “Bye ladies!”
“Bye Gwen!” They all yelled over my shoulder as Cade dragged me into the clubhouse.
We marched into the entryway then through into a huge bar/living room, where more partygoers drinking, and getting a bit, erm, friendly on the couches. I blushed a little and glanced away. I did catch a glimpse of double doors with ornate carvings on them, and the word ‘Church’ above the doors. Cade’s rough hand around my waist directed me out of the room and into a long hallway with various doors off it, some very distinct moans coming from behind the closed doors. I screwed my nose up, thinking I’m going to have to hear people going at it while planning my escape in Cade’s room. But we went up some stairs, and the sounds quieted. He unlocked a door at the top of the stairs and led me into his room. It was more like a mini apartment. Again like his house, it wasn’t tidy, an unmade bed lay before us. My stomach clenched at what probably went on between those sheets not long before. He expected me to sleep in those soiled sheets? Prick.
Tears welled up in my eyes and I quickly blinked them away, stepping out of Cade’s grasp to survey around the room. There was a dresser with the clubs emblem framed above it, a small fridge and cabinets to one side. What looked like doors to a balcony to the left of the bed, and an ensuite to the right. Cade leaned against the closed door, watching me circle the room, a carefully blank look on his face. Suddenly, without warning, he shoved off the door and was on me in two strides, I was plastered against his hard body and his mouth attacked mine, his hands everywhere. I couldn’t help my body’s initial reaction, but my mind caught up and I stiffened, trying my hardest not to pull away and kick the asshole in the balls.
Cade sensed my anger and drew back, gray eyes intense.“Babe?”
I mentally shook myself, knowing I had to act normal, I wouldn’t put it past him to lock me in here if he knew I wanted to leave.
I stroked his cheek. “Go to Bull honey,” I whispered. “He needs you.”
Cade frowned, knowing something wasn’t right but I could feel his concern for his brother.
“Okay Gwen, but I want you naked in my bed when I get back.” He commanded.
“And after I fuck you, you are going to tell me how you knew about Bull.”
I barely restrained an eye roll him ordering me about came to naturally.
“Okay Cade.”
He stayed rooted to his spot, not taking his concentrated gaze off me.
“Go.” I urged, pushing him away from me.
He nodded sharply, walking towards the door, he turned, hand on the doorknob.
“Lock this behind me baby. The party might get a little out of control, and with the boys from other charters here, don’t want someone stumbling in here by mistake.” He waited for my nod before leaving.
I heard his pause so I walked over to the door, clicking the lock in place. Only then did I hear his footsteps leave. I slowly sank down onto the floor, hands in my face, feeling like shit. Firstly, telling Bull about my suicide attempt was hard. No one knew. Except Alex. Somehow that strong macho man saw what was coming and stopped me from ending my life. I was forever grateful for that. He still called me almost every day to make sure I was coping. The only way he wouldn’t tell anyone was if I agreed to therapy, and I did, even had Skype sessions since I had been here.
And secondly, even though I was trying hard to deny it to myself, I really liked Cade, felt it down to my core. And it hurt like hell that he just went and fucked some slut, with me outside, drinking with his brothers and his sister. My breath hitched a little as I cried through my silent pity party.
“Pull yourself together Gwen.” I commanded myself.
I pushed off the floor, taking a deep breath and grabbed my purse, which Cade had thrown on the bed. I picked it up, slowly unlocking the door and peeked out. I could still hear the dull rumble of music and voices, but upstairs seemed quiet. I slipped out, slowly making my way down the stairs, trying not to listen too hard at the goings on. I made it through the hallway, now the tricky part, how the heck was I going to make it through the huge party area full of people? The room was relatively dark, I guessed people were using it to get lucky in lieu of beds, so I crept past unnoticed. I slipped out the front door and into the shadows, away from the party, to Amy’s car, which was thankfully parked out of the way.
I sighed a huge sigh of relief once I was in. But shit. The compound gates! How was I meant to get out? Did I have to have some codeword or secret handshake?
“Darn it!” I whispered angrily, smacking my hands on the steering wheel. Out of the corner of my eye I saw headlights of a couple of motorcycles heading towards the gate. Yes! Luck was on my side. I quickly pulled the car out and followed the bikes out of the now open gate and into the night.
Faces. Blood. So much blood. A mans head exploding in my face, I felt of pieces of brains on my cheek. Pain. So much of it, Jimmy’s face, yanking my legs apart, laying atop my broken body. There is no one here to save me, the knife against my neck, leering eyes watching the life seep from me. I screamed, scream for help until my throat is raw.
Suddenly someone was shaking me, light flashed in my face. What’s going on?
I blinked, disorientated for a second. Cade’s worried and angry face filled my vision.
“Gwen. What the fuck?” He demanded, concern in his voice. I was still confused, I’m in my bed, it was still dark outside. Wait how did he get in here? I glanced down and saw a gun in his hands. This was a lot to take in.
“Why do you have a gun?” I asked, one of the many questions I had, but half asleep that is what I deigned most important. Cade’s expression turned stormy.
“Well after finding an empty bed, and Amy’s car gone I came here, to hear you screaming bloody fucking murder. Wasn’t coming in unarmed. What the fuck was that Gwen?” He bit out.
I sat up in bed and he sat on the side, arms crossed.
“Nothing.” I mumbled, slightly embarrassed. “Just a nightmare.”
“Didn’t sound like any fuckin nightmare.” He growled, his face softened and stroked my face. “Baby.” Is all he whispers, I saw concern on his rugged face.
I ignored this. “What are you doing here?” I snapped, now that I was a bit more awake my sass came back, so did my anger.
Cade glared at me. Obviously I was not the only angry one.
“Well like I said Gwen, got kind of fucking worried coming back to an empty bed, with no explanation as to where yo
u were. Especially after all the shit with Bull.”
I forgot my anger a second and laid my hand on his arm.
“Is Bull okay?” I asked with concern.
I watched as Cade’s eyes hardened even more, he obviously upset about his brother didn’t want to show weakness.
“No.” He clipped. “We’ve got him on watch until we can sort something. He’s alive though. Thanks to you.”
I crossed my arms over my chest, party to hide my skimpy nightie, I watched as Cade’s hungry eyes zeroed in.
“I’m glad to hear that he is still breathing at least.” I whispered sadly. “You need to leave.” I spat at Cade remembering myself.
Cade scowled at me, stood up and started undressing.
“Like fuck I am going anywhere. I had a hard fuckin night only good thing about it was knowing I’d get to slide into you and the end of it. I’m staying here and you’re telling me why you left.” He told me, like it was his choice to make.
I hauled the covers back, my anger back with a vengeance. I tried to ignore Cade’s gaze on my body. I stood toe to toe with him, glaring up at him.
“So you were planning on fucking me after you already had your dick in some skank?” I hissed, watching Cade’s eyes widen. “Classy Cade. How dare you think you can come waltzing into my life, claim me as your ‘Old lady’,” I inserted air quotes here, “Make me stupidly believe I feel something for you and then fuck around right under my nose?” I poked him in the chest. “I am no idiot, and I am not going to let some biker asshole hurt me in any, way shape or form, ever again!!” My voice was almost a shout.
Cade seized my hand at his chest roughly and grabbed my hip with his other.
“You better watch how you are fucking talking to me.” He snarled menacingly, I felt his anger pulsing around me.
“Why? You going to smack me around now?” I spat at him, trying to struggle out of his hold.
“You know I wouldn’t Gwen, even if it might smack some god damn sense into you.” His arms were like a vice around me.