by Anne Malcom
I struggled to contain my breathing as Sarah, my baby doctor rushed in looking worried. A fresh wave of horror settled over me. The pain. The feeling of my baby leaving me, dying. No, no, no. Tears streamed down my face as Sarah approached the bed.
“Gwen sweetheart, I know it’s hard but I need you to take a deep breath and calm down. You hear that beeping? That’s your heart, its hammering away pretty hard, we need to try and slow it down a bit.” She explained calmly.
“My baby?” I asked her, my voice dead.
She took me hand and I prepared for the blow. She squeezed it and smiled weakly. “The baby is okay Gwen, everything is fine.”
I blinked, barely allowing myself to believe it. “But the pain, and I was bleeding…”
“You had a nasty shock and your baby wasn’t prepared for what your body was going through. Especially given the fact your blood pressure was already a little high. I know it’s scary but 30% of women experience cramps and bleeding in the first trimester and considering the news you received its not surprising.”
She gave my hand another squeeze.
“Now, I have your fiancé outside, he was not happy to be left there. In fact it took three of his friends to convince him to stay in the waiting room. You think it would be okay to let him in? You know before he ruins anymore furniture?” She grinned, writing something in my chart.
“Fiancé?” I croaked, confused.
Then thoughts of Cade come back. Cade and Ginger. My life was falling apart lying in this hospital bed. Cade didn’t deserve to see me. To see our baby. But Sarah didn’t deserve to have her office trashed by the asshole either. I opened my mouth to agree when a commotion outside stopped me.
“Fuck this, I’ve been waiting out here for almost a fucking hour! I don’t give a shit what procedure is I’m seeing my fucking woman!” A familiar angry voice shouted as the doors crashed open. A frantic looking Cade stormed in, followed by two very pissed off looking orderlies. His eyes fell on me and instantly softened to a look of love and relief it almost pierced the feeling of emptiness and despair that surrounded me. Almost.
“It’s okay guys, we’ve just got one concerned Dad on our hands you can go.” Sarah told the orderly’s and they looked relieved at not having to try and drag Cade out. They turned and shut the door behind them.
“Gwen. Baby. Jesus Christ.” Cade rushed over, kneeling over me, pulling his face to mine so our foreheads touched. He closed his eyes, leaving us like that for a second, before he opened them, eyes falling on mine. He straightened, turning to the doctor, clutching my hand.
“Is she okay? Is the baby…?” He choked, looking like he couldn’t physically finish the sentence.
“She’s fine. Mr Fletcher. The baby is fine too.” Sarah reassured him.
I watched the relief wash over Cade, his eyes closed for a second and his shoulders sagged as if a weight had been lifted.
“Thank god.” He pulled my hand to his mouth, gently pressing his lips against my knuckles. I watched him woodenly. My hand moved to my stomach, my love and happiness for my little bun the only thing keeping me going. Cade followed my hand, his covering my own, weakly smiling at me.
“Thank god”. He repeated, holding my gaze again.
His hand didn’t leave mine as he focused his attention on Sarah.
“But why did this happen? She was in pain, bleeding. Are you sure everything is okay?” He fired at her with an edge to his voice.
Sarah stood at the end of the bed looking at us both, addressing Cade.
“As I was just telling Gwen, babies respond to their mother’s distress. And I understand Gwen had just gotten some bad news.” She pointed a sympathetic glance at me and Cade’s hand squeezed mine.
“But lets give Dad a look so you can feel better.” She wheeled an ultrasound machine over from the corner and gestured for us to remove or hands.
She exposed my stomach. Cade’s eyes were glued to my belly in a look so intense I forced myself to glance away before it could affect me. After putting the cold jelly on, she moved the wand and we both watched the screen. I looked at what I had seen the day before, reassured to hear the little heartbeat. Cade’s grip was iron on my hand. I swear I had never seen a look on his face like the one he was currently wearing. His eyes glistened, he gazed down at me with pure joy on his face.
“That’s our baby.” He murmured roughly, stroking my cheek.
“As you can see and hear we have a little fighter on our hands.” Sarah informed us.
I registered the screen, the baby, the father’s joy, but I couldn’t bring myself to find any response. A numbness settled over me. I was relieved beyond belief that my baby was okay but that’s all I could feel, all I let myself feel. Sarah put the machine away and she stood at the end of my bed again.
“When Gwen’s body went into shock, so did the baby. And as the baby isn’t equipped to deal with stress, it gave us signs of distress. Now Gwen’s blood pressure is also quite high, which is slightly worrying. I would advise you stay rested for the next couple of days, try to avoid stress. I know that is not something that can be controlled at this time. But we can monitor you just in case.” She smiled sadly, pity in her eyes.
Pity for me. The girl whose brother just died. The grief cut through me like glass.
“I can’t stay anywhere rested. I have to get a flight. I have to get to New Zealand as soon as possible.” I informed her flatly.
“Gwen, sweetheart, the baby, I don’t know if that…” Cade began, voice tender but firm.
I ignored him, keeping my eyes on Sarah. “Will the baby be okay? Hell I’ll even hire a doctor to fly with me.” I told her, unable to fathom the thought of being unable to see my parents.
“Honestly Gwen, the bed rest is just a precaution, a flight is obviously not ideal at the moment, but I am reasonably sure the baby will be fine. The biggest worry on a flight is a blot clot, but as long as we can get your pressure down the risk lowers significantly. We will keep you here for observation for a couple more hours, just to make sure your blood pressure comes down, then I will be able to clear you for flying. I’ll come back and check on you in a bit.” She turned to leave the room but Cade stopped her.
“Reasonably sure?” He bit out. “I want you to be 100% sure that my baby and future wife are going to be safe before putting them on a 12 hour flight. I am not letting Gwen anywhere near a plane for ‘reasonably sure.’” He declared hotly.
I felt my temper flare from somewhere, but Sarah spoke before I can.
“Mr Fletcher, I would never put my patient on a plane if I thought there would be any risk to her or the babies health. That is why I am monitoring her. The baby’s heartbeat is strong, her blood pressure is coming down, she is healthy, and young. Now of course even in a healthy pregnancy there will never be a 100% certainty that everything will run smoothly. But I can assure you, she will not be getting on that plane unless I am sure she and they baby will not be at any unusual risk.” She maintained eye contact with Cade, not backing down.
I would have been impressed had I been able to focus on anything but my sorrow.
Cade continued to glare at her a beat, then nodded stiffly, returning his concerned gaze to me.
“I’ll leave you to it. You will be discharged as soon as your blood pressure gets back to normal and stays there. Should be a few hours.” Sarah cut in, before moving to the other side of my bed not occupied by a big biker. She squeezed my hand.
“I’m so sorry about your brother Gwen.” She told me sincerely before walking out.
I followed her with my eyes, wishing for glorious oblivion to stop me from getting crushed under the weight of my sorrow.
“Baby?” Cade muttered softly, his hand stroking my face so tenderly you’d think I was made of glass. I felt like it. I felt like I would shatter at any moment. But I couldn’t. I had a little baby inside me, who needed its mother to be strong.
“Gwen. I need to explain about before with…”
I
held my hand up, halting him. “Cade my brother is dead. Do you think I care you fucked some whore?” I said, my voice flat.
Cade flinched, I regarded his stricken face feeling detached. He stood, towering over me in my bed, his hand going down to cradle my stomach above the blanket.
“Gwen you need to know…” He started again.
“I don’t need to know anything!” I all but screamed, my voice ragged. I took a deep breath. “I don’t need to know anything but the fact my brother is dead. I will never see him again. My baby will never get to know their uncle. All I need right now is to get out of here so I can go home.” My voice was back to the flat, emotionless tone I think I might come to adopt.
Cade sat on my bed carefully, stroking my face again. I didn’t push him away, didn’t respond to his touch. I just stared at him blankly.
“Gwen, the idea of flying that far, with the complications with the baby…I can’t have either of you in any kind of danger.” He was trying to treat me with care, but it didn’t stop what his true meaning is to fire up a spark inside me.
“I would never put my baby in danger.” I hissed.
“I know you wouldn’t Gwen, but you won’t be able to control what happens when you get on that plane.” His voice brokered no argument, but hell if I wasn’t giving him one.
“You’re right. I don’t have any control. I don’t have control over the fact my brother is dead, that my parents are beyond devastated, that my heart is broken. And I can’t control the fate of my baby, as much as I wish I could shield it from everything in this world, I can’t. We could die in a car crash on the way to the airport. I can’t control that. But I would never let anything in my control hurt my child, or even give anything the possibility of hurting my child. There is no way you have any say in my staying here once I get the all clear from the doctor, I need to go home and help my parents bury their son. I need to bury my brother.”
I didn’t allow the expressions on Cade’s face permeate. I didn’t allow him to speak.
“I need you to leave.” I told him flatly, eyes on the ceiling.
“I’m not fucking going anywhere.” Cade’s voice was concrete.
The fire that had so quickly sparked inside of me withered, the strength to fight him just wasn’t in me. I was too busy using it to try and fight the grief that was crushing my chest. Too busy trying to fight off the reality that my brother was actually gone. So I just ignored him, stared past him, to the monitors that showed my baby’s heartbeat. I focused on that, clinging to that little sound like it was my lifeline. Cade was talking, stroking my face, kissing my head. I ignored him.
“Gwen.” He softly grabbed my face, pulling it close to his, forcing my gaze away from the monitor. He opened his mouth, but before he could speak, the door opened and Amy burst in. She stood at the door, her face red and splotchy, eyes rimmed red, pain etched into every inch of her body. We just looked at each other a beat. A single tear ran down my best friend’s cheek.
“Gwennie.” She choked before rushing to the bed. She didn’t even acknowledge Cade who stood to let her crawl in next to me. She sobbed quietly, her body shaking next to mine, I held onto my best friend for dear life.
Amy clutched my hand as the plane touched down. I looked over at her makeup free face and attempted a weak smile.
“Well we made it home and this little one has behaved.” I put my hand over my stomach, letting the relief wash over me. She squeezed my hand and looked down at my stomach.
“I expected nothing less from our super baby.” She attempted a jaunty wink, but couldn’t hide the raw pain the lurked beneath her eyes. Yet again she was trying her best to take care of me, help take on my grief when her own threatened to drown her. I sighed, gazing out to the tarmac and into the windows of the airport that held my parents. I yearned for the comfort of my mother’s arms, the strength from my father’s embrace. I was also dreading the moment I saw them. The moment I saw the loss in their faces, the point where this would all become real. The moment when my blissed numbness would crack away to reveal the agony that threatened to destroy me.
The last few days had been a blur. I had stumbled through them like a zombie, unable, unwilling to feel anything. I was detached, my emotions unplugged.
I had ended up having to stay overnight at the hospital and Cade never left my side, sleeping in the chair beside my bed, while Amy lay beside me. I paid him little notice, clutching Amy’s hand, lying wide awake with my eyes glued to the ceiling. I knew he watched me most of the night, I could feel his gaze on me. When I was discharged I discovered the entire club camped in the waiting room. Even Steg, I guess that would’ve surprised me had I not been blissfully detached. I would’ve also been touched by the concerned faces, the loving and thoughtful words coming from the staunch bikers, but I woodenly stared past them all, clinging to my little world of unfeeling.
Amy had arranged her father’s jet to be ready as soon as I was discharged, having my essentials packed and ready to go when she picked me up from the hospital. We were meant to be leaving straight from there, and Cade all but exploded when he learned this.
He was pushing me in my chair to the curb when Amy pulled up. She jumped out of the car and directed a glare at him; someone had obviously filled her in.
She wiped the scorching look off her face and smiled down at me weakly.
“I’ve got everything we need for our trip Gwennie, Daddy’s jet is waiting for us at a small airstrip outside of town and it’ll take us to LAX where we’ve got the next plane to Auckland. Daddy also insisted we take his doctor with him on the flight. Just in case.” She looked at my stomach and leant down to help me up, pointedly ignoring Cade who stopped her with a hand on her wrist.
“What the fuck do you think you are doing Amy? You can’t just take the mother of my child away halfway across the world. Wherever she goes I go.” He growled, fury saturating his tone.
Amy raised an eyebrow and glared down at the tattooed arm covering hers, her look turned glacial.
“You take your hand off me right now.” She hissed and continued to help me up when Cade complied. I could feel him gripping my shoulder.
“I can and I will take Gwen back to her family, and her home, to the people that love her. In case you have forgotten she is going to attend the fucking funeral of her only brother.” She snarled and I felt a blade go through my soul.
“It just happens to be convenient that her home is as far away from you that is humanly possible, and a silver lining in this fucking nightmare is the fact that you are a criminal with a record which means you aren’t going anywhere.”
Without waiting for a response she gently helped my stand from the chair directing me away from Cade, and the men who had stopped behind him. The men I considered family.
“Jesus Gwen, wait.” Cade pleaded. The grief and anger in his voice made me turn.
I put my hand on Amy’s arm. “It’s okay Amy.” My voice was still cold, flat.
She glared at Cade then took her hands off me. As soon as that happened, Brock surged forward, pulling her away and hissing frantically in her ear. I didn’t move an inch, Cade was on me in one stride, framing my face with his hands. His eyes locked with mine, face hard and soft at the same time.
“Baby, Gwennie. Just give me some time to sort this shit out. I’m coming with you. You are not facing this without me. I won’t let you go through this without me.” He words were firm, his tone a promise. “I love you to the depths of my soul. The baby too. I won’t let you go through a second of this without me by your side.” He finished softly, hand caressing my belly.
I stared back at him, the love, concern, anguish in his eyes failing to affect me. My emotions were locked up deep inside me I couldn’t let them out. I couldn’t have the loss coursing through my veins like a poison. I was afraid I wouldn’t survive.
“You need to let me go.” I responded flatly.
His arms tightened on my neck. “Baby please.” His voice almost broke and h
is stare burned into mine.
“Let me go now, I have a plane to catch.” I watched him flinch at my tone. What he didn’t do was let me go.
“Gwen…”
“Let me go!” I screamed in his face, my voice cracking.
Someone grabbed his shoulder, pulling him away. I took my chance and hopped into the door that Amy was holding open for me, she had obviously managed to pull herself away from her own angry biker. I watched as Cade fought off Bull, yelling, throwing punches never taking his eyes off me. Lucky and Brock joined in, struggling to hold him back. Unable to watch anymore I turned my head as Amy drove away.
That was about 21 hours ago. I had barely slept, my mind going over everything and nothing at all. Thoughts, memories tugging at the corners of my mind, refusing to let me welcome oblivion.
Amy and I disembarked, walking along the tarmac of the small airport. The mountains of home surrounded me like a warm blanket, even with the bitter winter wind biting at my skin. We emerged at arrivals and I zeroed my parents out immediately. My usually immaculate mother was wearing faded jeans and a hoodie, her face free of makeup, eyes rimmed red, she looked gaunt and grief had settled over ever inch of her small frame. My father was staunch, strong, as usual, his arms around my mother. His eyes were the only things that betrayed him. They were full of sorrow and devastation. All of a sudden I was engulfed in my mothers arms.
“Oh Gwennie, my baby.” She sobbed clutching me to her.
I felt my fathers strong arms circle around us both, I looked up at him to see his eyes glistening as he kissed my head. I clung to what remained of my family.
Chapter 18
2 months later
“You know what Mum, I think this gardening thing is actually growing on me.” I informed her, my hands digging through the soil. I held them up, inspecting my nails, which were caked with dirt. “Even if it destroys my manicure.”