by Anne Malcom
“I can promise you that you are going to be happy again Gwen, no matter what it takes.” A familiar voice promised.
I froze, standing to turn towards to source of the deep voice, I couldn’t believe it. I must be hallucinating. Cade was standing in front of me, eyes glued to mine. His hands were in his pockets and I let my gaze roam over every inch of him. His hair had grown longer, kissing his shoulders roughly. Half of his face was covered by a substantial beard, much more than the couple of day’s growth I had been used to. His eyes were glittering with emotion, locked on me, drinking me in. He looked…wild. He was wearing all black, not surprisingly. A black thermal, his black leather jacket, which I was surprised to see was not his cut. Black jeans on his legs and his motorcycle boots. He was bigger than I remembered, two months and he had more muscle if that was possible. He also looked…ravaged. I barely suppressed a flinch seeing my strong man looking unraveled like that pained me. I looked at him in silence, frozen, unable to move, to speak. I didn’t know what to say to do, I was too scared that he might not be real. His eyes moved down from my eyes to my stomach, the dress I was wearing was pre baby. It was a light pink knit and long sleeved, made from a tight jersey material, straining over my bump.
His face changed, softening, even under his harsh features, I didn’t have much time to contemplate this, as he advanced on me in a few quick strides. He surprised me by kneeling in front of me, his hands spanned my belly, he rested his head against it for a moment, then softly kissed me on top of the fabric. He stayed like that for a while then stood, pulling my forehead to touch his, grey eyes searing into mine.
“Gwen. You, round with my baby, it’s the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, you are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.” His voice was rough, full of emotion.
I gazed into the eyes of the man I loved, unable to form words. The words to tell him how much I missed him, how it had felt like a physical pain to try and struggle through every day without him, how I wished he had been there to watch our baby grow inside me.
“I’m so sorry I took so long to get here baby, I’ve been thinking of you every day, every second. It has been killing me not seeing you, hearing your voice. Knowing you were in pain, knowing every day you were changing, our baby growing inside you. You don’t know the amount of times I considered chartering a fucking jet to get to you.” His eyes searched my face. “It nearly shattered me, talking to your family, not being able to hear your voice, not being able to touch you, not being able to see your beautiful face.” His hand moved to cradle my belly. “Not being able to experience every second of our child growing inside you, that has been pure torture. I spent hours staring at that fucking picture you left my refrigerator, staring at my baby.” His face was tortured and soft at the same time, his gaze was so full of emotion I couldn’t process it all.
“Say something please Gwen.” He pleaded.
I couldn’t. There was nothing I could say without letting myself shatter. So I pressed my mouth needing to feel our physical connection. He took over the second my mouth touched his, probing my mouth sliding his tongue along the seam. I yielded to him letting him inside clinging to him for dear life. The kiss went wild, savage. I ran my hands through his long hair, needing to touch more of him. His hands left a trail of fire over my belly, up to my breasts, squeezing them tightly. I cried out, surprised at how sensitive they were. He stopped instantly.
“Did I hurt you?” He loosened his hold on me a fraction, his eyes searching mine, full of concern.
I shook my head. “The opposite. You are the only person that can heal me.” I whispered. And that was it. My shield shattered into a thousand pieces and I collapsed against him. All the pain that had been coiled so tightly stretched to every part of me and I sobbed into his jacket, barely noticing his arms wrap around me, hands stroking my hair. I don’t know how long we stayed like this I just clung to him for dear life, reveling in the strength he represented. I sniffled against him as he wiped the last of my tears from my face and kissed my head.
“Everything is going to be okay Gwen.” His voice was so strong, so sure, I actually believed him.
I stood in front of the mirror in my bra and undies rubbing the cream on my stomach that promised to reduce stretch marks, it bloody better. I had this stuff flown over from France, I really didn’t want stretch marks.
After Cade had found me and I had cried every tear in my body we had slowly walked back to the house. He never let me go even for a second as though he thought I would float away. When we got to the house, I was surprised to find I had more tears to shed with my family. It was exhausting, painful beyond belief but it helped. Not a lot, but a little. I still felt like I was bleeding from the inside out, but the pain lessened a bit, or maybe I became stronger. Either way, we gave Cade the tour, avoiding Ian’s old room like the plague, I was surprised to find that his bags had been deposited in my room without a word from my father. He had always been strict and unbendable about that certain rule. Later on in the night after a beer or two, he had proclaimed, “The jigs up Mouse, you’re pregnant, can’t see him staying in your rooms gonna change that much.”
I had felt flames across my face, and Amy had snorted with laughter. I froze and watched her, it was the first time she had laughed since it happened. My mother and father must’ve noticed as well but they were better at hiding their reactions. Even with the undercurrent of sorrow that seemed ever present at the table these days, it had been nice. Cade and my father got on like a house on fire, although I suspect Cade may have had words with my father before searching for me. My mother of course adored him from the get go. I was worried he might be overwhelmed, but he seemed completely comfortable, although his hand was still clutching mine, even though he could only eat with one hand. This was the case for me too, but I could barely nibble, so much was going through my brain. He noticed this, immediately let me go.
“Eat please babe. I know our baby is getting big and strong, but you need more meat on your bones.” He told me softly.
I nodded, he clasped my hand again and brought it to his mouth, kissing it softly before setting it down on the table, allowing me to pick up a knife and fork.
I put a couple bites in my mouth before I realized the table was silent. My mouth full I looked up to find everyone staring at Cade and me. My Mum’s eyes were full with tears, my father’s were on Cade full of respect, Amy’s full of happiness and something else.
“What?” I demanded through my food.
My mother’s eyes instantly narrowed.
“Gwen don’t talk with your mouth full, Cade will think we are savages.” She scolded.
I almost choked on my food this ridiculous remark, managing to swallow without needing the hilmeck, Cade smirked at me out of the corner of his mouth.
I noticed movement out of the corner of my eye, Cade leaned against the door his eyes glowing. I didn’t move my eyes from his but I felt slightly shy under his gaze. I grabbed my robe to cover up.
“Don’t.” He commanded, his voice barely above a growl. He slowly walked towards me, eyes devouring me. I shivered as he approached. He stood in front of me and slowly rubbed his hand against my belly, spreading the cream across its considerable expanse.
His eyes glued to my stomach, his voice was rough and soft at the same time.
“What’s this for?”
I swallowed, his hands sending tingles down to my toes.
“It’s for um, stretch marks. So I don’t look like a tiger when Bun comes out.” I joked.
His eyes snapped to mine. “Any evidence you’ve carried my child is welcome to me.” His voice was rough and full of possession.
“Bun?” He asked after a beat, eyes locked on mine.
“Well um, when I found out about the baby, Amy and I joked about a bun in my oven. Guess the name stuck with me.” I was surprised that my voice is shaking, there seemed to be electricity crackling between us.
Cade got that unreadable look on his face again ga
zing down at my stomach in awe. “Bun.” He repeated softly.
“Amy calls her Supe because she thinks you have super sperm.” I blurted.
Cade looked at me, face blank, then barked with laughter, then he stopped abruptly.
“Her?” He continued his one syllable conversation.
I fiddled with my fingers, until he grasped them, I felt his gaze burning into mine and I lifted my eyes to meet his.
“Well I don’t know for sure, I never let the doctors tell me. It just didn’t feel right, you know without you.” I stuttered over my words, feeling ridiculous for being so nervous, this was the father of my child for Christ sakes.
“I just have a feeling, it might be a she.” I told him quietly.
His hands moved from mine down to my hips, toying with the sides of my underwear. He growled slightly, then I was up. My legs automatically circled his waist as he carried me out of the bathroom to my bed, not showing any struggle at carrying my extra weight. He placed me down gently, slowly peeling off my underwear, kissing my legs on the way down. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach as his touch set me on fire. He slowly worked his way back up, stopping at the crease in my thighs, inhaling like it was his first breath in months then continued up. My breath came in pants as he kissed every inch of my stomach, worshipping me. He made it to my breasts, fingers making short work on the front clasp, when I was exposed to him he let out a hiss.
“Sooo pregnancy makes your boobs grow, who knew?” I told him breathlessly, his gaze ignited me, hands cupping my newly sensitive breasts. I moaned as his lips closed over my nipple, the sensation nearly unbearable. I was teetering on the edge, barely able to breathe as he pushed me over when his hand moved down to my clit. I let out a soundless scream as my orgasm washed over me. It seemed like hours later that I came down. Cade’s eyes were glued to my face, his own dark with desire.
“You are the most magnificent creature I have ever seen.” He declared roughly, his tone riddled with desire, his eyes almost black.
I slowly regained coherent thought and realized he was still dressed, I sat up slowly. “You. Naked. Now.” I commanded, breathing heavily.
Cade smiled wickedly and stood, divesting himself of his clothes in record time.
He knelt before me, pulling me gently to the edge of the bed, spreading my legs.
“I need to taste you so badly baby.” His face disappeared between my legs and I suppressed a scream as he devoured me like a starving man. Riding my second orgasm I vaguely noticed Cade’s body on top of mine.
“I need you inside me more than I need to breathe.” I whispered to him.
His hands framed my face, kissing me tenderly as he pushed inside me, he let out a grunt of pleasure as he filled me to the hilt. I opened my eyes.
“I love you.”
His eyes were fierce. “I love you to my soul baby.”
I woke suddenly, terrified it was all a dream, that I was still alone and broken. Cade’s arms tightened around me, his face close to mine in an instant.
“What is it Gwen? Are you okay? The baby?” His hands moved to my stomach.
I let out a breath of relief, kissing him lightly. “She’s fine. I just had the most terrible feeling I dreamed you. That you weren’t really here, it scared me.”
Cade leaned over and switched on the light. I squinted for a second, my eyes adjusting.
“Can’t have this conversation in the dark Gwen.” He explained softly.
I nodded against his chest. I heard him take a deep breath, preparing for something.
“The day. That morning, what you saw before you found out about Ian.” He began, I feel nausea at the pit of my stomach.
I hadn’t forgotten about what happened since he arrived, just buried it. He sensed my tension and grabbed my chin, eyes blazing.
“I didn’t touch her Gwen. You need to know that. I hate to bring her filth into our bed but this needs to be said, I don’t want its poison to sit in your mind.” He paused and kissed my nosed tenderly before watching me. He must have been content with what he saw so he continued.
“After our fight I was pissed. Pissed with you, pissed with myself. I was angry with you because you were right. I don’t regret that he is dead, especially when we are going to have a little girl, I don’t want her walking the same earth as him.” His eyes blazed with protection for our unborn daughter. Something warm settled in my gut.
“But I know how you feel, what you meant. I want our child to be proud of me. I will protect you both with my last breath, won’t let anything hurt you. But I won’t let the taint of what I have done enter our house. Our family. I promise you that. Anyway, I got drunk. The club was having a party, but I stayed away and chose a bottle of Jack for company. I sat for hours thinking of everything, wanting to go back to you, but I was too fucking proud. Baby it has haunted my dreams for 63 days that I didn’t go back to you, I’ll never forgive myself. I dragged my sorry and drunk ass to bed. I did that alone Gwen. I swear to you.” His face was right in front of mine, eyes not wavering. I believed him, with every inch of me I believed him. I opened my mouth to tell him that but he put his hand to my lips.
“Let me finish baby. The next thing I know I was waking up to my beautiful girl telling me the best news I have every heard and making me the happiest son of a bitch on earth. Then the whore skulked out from the bathroom. The look on your face Gwen, I swear to god I’ll never forget it. You broke. Right there in front of me. Later on I found out the fuckin slut walked in not long before you arrived. Bull told me. Saw her sneak in, drew the wrong conclusions. But she must’ve picked my tee of the floor, used the bathroom then stayed in there, chose her moment when you got there.” His words were laced with fury and I could tell even now, two months later his anger with still blazing.
“Never wanted to lay a hand on a woman so much my entire life. Wanted to fucking kill the bitch.” He spat.
“But you didn’t.” It wasn’t a question. I knew he wouldn’t.
“No. As much as I wanted to, I handed her over to Rosie and Evie instead.” He smiled without humor.
I raised a brow but said nothing, I would so be ringing Rosie tomorrow.
Cade tightened his arms around me then kept going. “Then I saw you baby, you collapsing in my arms, hearing you fall apart, thinking I was watching you lose our child.” He shuddered. “Thought I had died and gone to hell. Got a respite when I heard our baby’s heartbeat for the first time. That was until I saw nothing on your face. Heard the lack of emotion in your voice. You are the most vibrant person I know, and that just disappeared. You disappeared. You were a shell Gwen. Scared the shit out of me. You leaving me outside that hospital damn near ruined me. Wanted to kill my brothers, myself. Anyone that was responsible for me not being by your fucking side when you put your brother in the ground.” His words bit through me and the pain was so sharp it surprised me. I couldn’t have this.
“Cade.” I whispered softly, brokenly.
“No baby. I will never forgive myself for the fact you had to do this without me, I couldn’t be there to shield you protect you best I could. Watch you grow with my baby in you. It’s all on me. And the decisions and the club that led me here.”
“Stop.” I commanded firmly. “Stop doing that, blaming yourself. The club. They are your family. And just like any family they have their downfalls, but no matter what they love you. Things are going in a different direction now right?” Cade said nothing just nodded stiffly.
“We can’t change the past.” I said quietly. “I would give anything to have that ability. But I can’t. We just have to live every day in the present. I love you. I don’t blame you for anything. You are the reason I’m not falling into a thousand little pieces right now, you are holding me together.”
“You are the one doing that babe. I’m in fuckin awe of you.” Cade’s mouth covered mine and he was inside me the next moment. We didn’t say another word for the rest of the night.
Chapter 19
I w
as humming contentedly the next morning, pouring pancake batter into the pan, sneaking glances at Cade who was sipping coffee and reading the paper. It was such a domestic situation, one that I never saw myself in, but one that felt completely natural. Grey eyes met mine. “Concentrate on the pancakes Gwen, I don’t want you burning yourself. Or my breakfast.” He teased.
“Stop distracting me then.” I snapped.
“I’m readin the paper how is that distracting?”
“You’re just being all sexy and irresistible and its distracting okay?” I declared, my hormones telling me to jump him on my parent’s kitchen table.
His eyes darkened as he read the desire in mine.
“Pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen Gwen? I’d never thought I’d see the day.” Amy walked into the kitchen pouring herself a cup of coffee, smirking between Cade and I.
“You watch you mouth if you want pancakes Abrams.” I pointed my spatula at her warningly as she walked over to me, handing the cup of the sweet sweet nectar into my free hand. I brought it up to my face and Cade’s angry voice stopped me.
“You’re not allowed coffee Gwen!” He growled, looking as if he was going to waltz up and snatch my precious away from me.
I cradled it protectively to my chest. “I know.” I glared at him until I was sure he was staying put. “I just like to smell it.”
I took a huge inhale and let the scent dance into my nostrils before Amy snatched the cup away from me and sat at the table.
“Seriously Mouse, I don’t know why you torture yourself with that every morning. You can be a weird kid sometimes. Just drink decaf if you are that addicted to the stuff.” Dad entered the room smiling, kissing me on the forehead.
“I’ll drink decaf when you drink non alcoholic beer.” I told him, turning back to my pancakes.
“The day I drink that horseshit is the day hell freezes over.” My father proclaimed with ferocity, before pouring his own coffee, as if to taunt me.