Keep Your Crowbar Handy (Book 4): Death and Taxes

by SP Durnin

  “While that’s a damn attractive offer there Blondie, sorry ta’ tell ya’, it seems I’m fresh out a’ Javelin Anti-Tank Missiles,” George told her wryly.

  Elle shrugged. “Pity.”

  “Moving on!” Rae said loudly, “We all knew Hess would be along. Pecos is too prime a target for him to pass on, but we’ve got a few things working in our favor. First: his underlings are still attempting to hack into the satellite server, but that’s a pipe dream. The only person capable of cracking my encryption isn’t on this continent. That also mean he can’t jam up communications again, like he did when we spent all those weeks trying to make contact with this place. This time it’s Hess who will be operating in the blind.”

  Jake rubbed his chin. “Good. The less information he has about Pecos, and the harder it is for him to organize an attack, the better. We can use both of those to our advantage, can’t we?”

  “Bet yer ass we can,” Foster confirmed.

  “Second: While he might have observed the Mimi at some point—who knows if he saw it before I locked everyone but us out of the network—he’ll know virtually nothing about her. If need be, we can use it as a mobile command center from beyond the walls and he won’t be able to do anything to crack her open, even with that big-ass gun of his. We could coordinate the outer defenses from outside, maybe even take out to his troop transports and panic his forces. Third: And, God, I can’t believe I’m saying this… Third: We’ve got Mr. Tact here.” Rae used one thumb to motion towards the grinning Foster. “I know you’ve been working with Ted for weeks on the outer defenses, so you must have made additions by now. What dirty tricks did you manage to come up with this time? The salvage teams told me about the three backhoes you had rip up the road when they dug that freaking moat around the north gate.”

  Ryan held up one hand. “By the way, that makes going north on scrounging runs a pain. We have to use the eastern or western one, then circle all the way back up.”

  “You’ll live, Szimanski. And yer right, Hot-Rod,” George gave Rae a quick ogle before referring to the buxom woman by her online handle. “I started thinking about a siege right after Doc Barker an’ the rest a’ those quacks at the hospital cut me loose. While all a’ you’ve been runnin’ around, stockin’ this place up on edibles and prophylactics, me, Ted, an’ Close have been getting’ ready to end Hess, once and for all.”

  Jake was all ears. “And?”

  “Eh, I’ll be honest with ya’, boy. Yer not gonna like the plan. But understand it’s the best we got,” George told him. “Honestly, Laurel’s sister suggested the idea. She’s pretty slick. Fer a civilian skirt. But then, that’s no surprise.”

  “Willow came up with it?” Jake was skeptical.

  Allan nudged him with an elbow. “I’ve always told you: Women are evil.”

  “I’m sure Maggie would love to hear that.” Jake raised an eyebrow.

  “If you’ll recall, she has.” Al showed not an ounce of worry. “Remember the morning we flew down here? The first time she laid a lip-lock on you and you thought Laurel would freak? I said it—for the hundredth-thousandth time—just as you helped her secure the hatch.”

  “Oh, yeah. I remember now. And she still dates you. That’s impressive.”

  Ryker smirked. “Casanova ain’t got shit on me.”

  “Well, how about sharing the grand scheme with the rest of us?” Ryan leaned against a nearby barrel of motor oil. “No offense, but from what you’ve all said this Hess guy is one dangerous son-of-a-bitch. How do you propose we take him on?”

  “If you guys don’t mind, I’m gonna go find Leo and get clean. Can you fill me in later tonight when we all meet for grub?” Elle did look more than a little grungy.

  Jake gave her a thumbs-up. “Go for it.”

  “Ya’ might wanna hit the shower before ya’ go find Salazar, Blondie. I think he’s over helpin’ out with the cookin’ in the mess hall, so ya’ don’t wanna be contaminatin’ our dinner. Might improve whatever the hell it is they’re sloppin’ out, but still... I’ll tell ya’, dunno what we’d a’ done without that boy’s cookin’ skills on the way here.” George admitted.

  She smiled widely. “Nah. I want to see if he’ll wash my back.”

  Jake shook his head as she turned and made for the street. “Elle’s as bad as Kat.”

  “Nice mental image though.” Foster appreciatively watched as she strode away. “Great legs on that one. Wish the ground-pounders would’a got it in mind ta’ put together a ‘Girls of’ calendar before everything went swirlin’. She would’a been a shoo-in.”

  Rae gave him a withering look. “Did you eat paste as a child? Be honest.”

  “You can be a snide, prudish bitch sometimes, ya’ know?” George showed a set of blocky teeth as he spoke around his cigar. “But you’re hotter than a chili pepper eatin’ contest in Tijuana. I really like that in a broad.”

  O’Connor moved to head off what he was sure would be an impressive round of apocalyptic-level hostilities. “Boys and girls, let’s all focus here for a minute here? George? Rae? Yes? Okay. Ryan has a point, and I’d really like to hear this myself, so…”

  * * *

  “That’s it?”

  Cho didn’t think much of the plan. Jake could tell. “It’s our best chance to take out Hess and stop RUST cold.”

  “And you think I’m crazy sometimes? My God. We’re all going to die. And just as I start getting my ashes hauled—in extremely satisfying ways—on a regular basis, too!”

  “It’s not that bad.” Jake thought about it for a moment. “Well. Yeah, it is actually. But look at it this way: you and I won’t be hunkering together in a shaky guard tower, hoping not to attract the notice of a few hundred zombies as they walk by beneath us, right?”

  She didn’t seem convinced. “And, strangely enough, that really doesn’t instill me with loads of confidence for its success.”

  O’Connor plunked against the Hummer’s tailgate and wrapped his arms around her from behind. Kat was still in disbelief, but leaned back into him to rest her head upon his collarbone as they watched one of Ted’s salvage teams head out through the west gate. “I know, but what else can we do? There’s no way to go head-to-head with that many. If we ended up winning—and that’s a big ‘if’—the people here would be virtually wiped out. They wouldn’t have the numbers to man the walls, let alone send out teams to search for supplies. There’s no way they’d survive if Hess used the gun on his MATTOC to blow big holes in the walls, either. And maybe he lost men at Langley and on the route here, but that might still leave him with six to seven hundred highly-trained fighters verses what? Eleven-hundred here, maybe? And only a few of those with any military background, including the marines? It would be a slaughter.”

  “There’s another option.” Kat drew one of his hands up over her shoulder and held it there. “Call what’s left of the government. We’re not that far past the Rockies now, so they could send planes to evacuate Pecos. Or even just troops to give us a hand fighting Hess off! Don’t get me wrong, hot-stuff; the odds normally don’t mean much where we’re concerned, but I don’t know if even we can win this one without help.”

  Jake hesitated. “We can’t.”

  “Why the heck not?”

  “Because George already tried.” He slumped a bit and she turned in his arms. “They want to help. This is the only sizable southern enclave they’re in contact with. There are a few in Canada, some small communities in the Everglades, and a big one up in Maine that would’ve been way easier for us to get to from Ohio, if we’d actually known about it, but that’s about it for the good ol’ USA. Problem is, the manpower and resources just don’t exist anymore to police the nation. The military is stretched ridiculously thin along the Safe Zone’s borders. And remember; they’re holding a line that runs north from Baja up to Vegas, on past Salt Lake City, and finally around Butte, Montana up to Glacier National Park. That’s one hell of a lot of territory to secure.”

  The wom
an in his arms gave a shudder. “So we’re still on our own. Awesome. Just awesome. I can’t say I’m surprised. Guess all the tin-foil had conspiracy theorists had it right after all. Before all this, our government was way too busy jockeying for more authority and making excuses, and taxing us all into the poorhouse, to actually plan for national emergencies. Those butt-heads at the Department of Homeland Security and other disaster aid agencies need a stern talking to.”

  “I’m pretty sure they’re out of work permanently now.” Jake chuckled. “Everyone saw how useless they were during Katrina. Hell, the previous Powers That Be couldn’t even get water to a football stadium. Not the whole city, just one football stadium. For days. People inside were looting and beating and raping one-another by the time the FEMA trucks finally showed up. At least Pecos seems to have pulled together overall, so they haven’t degenerated into the same barbarism. I’m pretty sure Jackson—and Close and his troops—had something to do with that too.”

  “Darn tootin’ Ted had to hang some thieves who’d killed others for their food early on, but people here don’t put up with rioting and looting and stuff.”

  He and the others had no problems with that. “Plus, everyone’s armed. I’m thinking the whole concealed carry debate is a thing of the past.”

  “You just like wearing that cannon of yours.” She put a hand back and drew the Hammer repeater from its place on Jake’s hip. Kat’s eyebrows shot up. “Damn! This thing is heavy!”

  “Yep. Worth the extra weight though. And leaves a shockingly large exit hole in whatever I shot. That thing—and, you know, the crowbar—saved my hide back in Columbus. Back when I had the brilliant idea to draw off the crowd outside Tim’s Sporting Goods? Then I had to outrun seemingly every zombie in the whole damn city on the way back to Foster’s hideaway?” He shivered. “That’s an experience I don’t want to repeat, ever again. In life.”

  Cho used her free hand to press his cheek to hers. “It was terrifying for you, wasn’t it. Being all alone out there with those things, I mean?”

  “Yeah. I should’ve been dead nearly ten times over out there.” He closed his eyes. “I don’t think I’ll ever not be afraid of them really. You’d have to be certifiably, bug-fuck nuts not to be scared of a hungry, mobile, dumb-as-a-sack-of-hammers corpse. And fighting them in the alley behind George’s warehouse was the worst. Maggot-heads almost had me that time.”

  Kat smirked and slid the Hammer back home. “Lucky you had this kick-ass friend babysitting the building’s cameras, watching for you to turn up. Then she came out, helped you dice up a dozen or so ghouls, and pretty much saved your bacon. What was her name again? I swear it’s right on the tip of my tongue…”

  She’d served that one up to Jake special delivery and, since Kat was still such a fan of cut-off belly shirts, he slid his hands down to the bare skin of her core. “Oh, her. If I remember correctly she was kind of a ditz, and—”

  She gave him a soft elbow in the gut that cut him off. “Yeah? What else, gaijin?”

  “Oof…And she liked to flap her lips a lot too, and—”

  That earned him another elbow.

  “Oof. The chick had this habit of sneaking up on unsuspecting people while they were trying to take a shower. Totally annoying, let me tell y—Oof!”

  And another elbow, but a little harder and a bit angry this time, causing him to fight a grin. Even though she was perfectly capable of escaping the hold—and breaking both his arms in the process—Jake wrapped her up, pinning Kat’s arms to her sides briefly as he went on.

  “Something I should mention.” This he murmured into her ear as she squirmed, “I’m pretty sure she was the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

  Cho stopped wriggling and glanced over her shoulder. “Oh, really!”

  “No question. If you want the truth, being around her all the time was torture.”

  “Is that right?” That grin of hers started to show.

  “Uh-huh. When we went out and grabbed that pair of motorcycles in the Mimi from an abandoned dealership, the woman actually did the splits in a pair of leather biker pants.” Jake’s hands moved laterally to her hips. “After that, I kept catching myself fantasizing about peeling her out of those pants and taking right there on the back of one of those bikes with the engine idling.”

  Dark eyes twinkled from beneath light blue hair and Cho shifted from foot to foot, causing her buttocks to rub against his groin. “My, my. Talk about a ‘guy’ fantasy. I doubt she’d have been against the idea, but I could give you one better.”

  “You could, huh?”

  Nodding wordlessly, Kat walked around their vehicle and hopped in. Wondering what she had planned, O’Connor got inside behind the steering wheel.

  “In the Hummer? Here? We’d have to lock to doors. I mean, the windows are tinted pretty dark, but it’s still the middle of the day. People might get curious and—”

  “Start this baby up, gaijin. We need to take a little drive.” She just leaned back in her seat.

  “Where?”

  “It’s a surprise.” Kat’s gaze sizzled.

  Charging up the Humvee’s glow plug, O’Connor smiled. “Oh. Okay. I like surprises.”

  * * *

  “This isn’t what I had in mind.” Jake used his crowbar to pry open the window frame as Cho played lookout. “Why can’t you just pick the lock on the front door? You’ve done that lots of times.”

  “Really? Whine much? I don’t want us going in the front, because I don’t want to leave any signs we were here, of course. Just get us in, will you? Leave the ninja-sneaky stuff to me.”

  The window frame was slow to bend, and he had to take his time so not to shatter the glass pane. “Tell me why we’re doing this again?”

  “Trust me. You’ll like it. Hurry, before any of the wall watch sees us.”

  While he didn’t share her excitement, Jake simply grumbled and kept yanking at the window.

  They’d parked their Hummer in the nearby alley off 4th Street, right behind the Western Abstract and Title Co. After securing their ride back, O’Connor and Kat had shimmied up onto the one-story roof of the business using a narrow gap between its rear wall and the telephone pole at the its south-western corner. Doing so wasn’t big deal, even for Jake. After their five-story zip-line escape from Old College Hall—over a herd of hungry zombies—months back in Wilmington, Ohio, the ex-combat journalist seemed to have lost his fear of heights completely. The pair had moved briskly over its width, then across the roofs of the adjoining four businesses immediately to the north. At the end of the run, butted up against the others was a two-story brick-and-mortar job. Kat lead him onto the sturdy canopy running the length of its face over the oldest gas pump either of them had ever seen, and—after watching carefully from their perch for a good five minutes to ensure there were no dead around to spot them—prompted Jake to get them inside.

  Half of the second floor was well-lit, but more than a bit musty-smelling. All manner of things were stored there: copious filing cabinets, piping, worktables, old highway signs, parts for what seemed to be parts for dozens and dozens of automobiles from various eras in American history. Jake even saw something he believed to be an old 1940s telephone operator’s switchboard as they made their way through the echoing room.

  Cho froze and put one finger to her lips. Jake went still, keeping his mouth shut while she closed her eyes and did her “ninja thing.” He still didn’t understand the weird ability, but had witnessed how accurate it was.

  After a few minutes Kat straightened. “We’re good. I just wanted to check. When I scoped this place out before I didn’t come in. The security doors need keys and they were all locked up tight, but still…”

  “When did you guys stop off here? One of the days I wasn’t on the search roster or something?”

  “Oh, we didn’t.” She pulled a pair of mini Mag-lights from the top of her left biker boot. She kept the component parts of her grappling hook in the right one. “One of the bar
tenders in Pecos used to come here. The one Sampson’s been making goo-goo eyes at? I heard him mention it one night at Gita’s, so I snuck out last week before I sang with Ted and Dead Sexy to take a look. I swear I’d have brought you sooner, but you kind of been… distracting me.”

  Jake nearly exploded. “You’ve been coming out here alone?”

  “Oh. Um. Oops? Won’t do it again?”

  “Damn right you won’t! What were you-”

  “I won’t do it again. Really.” Kat took his face in her hands. “You know, and I know, I can deal on my own out here, but you’d worry. So I promise: no more exploring. Unless you’re along, that is. ’Kay?”

  The fact she seemed genuinely contrite for freaking him out allowed Jake to get a handle on his anger. “Okay. Sorry. I just… Sorry.”

  “Okay.” She gave him a quick peck. “Come on. You’ve got to see this.”

  She passed him one of the Mag-lights, then they made their way down a flight of stairs in the back. Kat unlocked the door below in about three seconds flat, and they moved into the ground floor proper. With the doors locked and the security shutters down over the windows, only their flashlights provided light to see. The minis didn’t penetrate far into the gloom though, and the made O’Connor rather nervous.

  “Two seconds,” she told him, stepping carefully around a counter full of toy cars. “I checked last week. The place has juice. Must still be hooked to the slap-dash power grid Wilson had put together. Let me find the breaker.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t come in?”

  Kat’s light revealed a dusty fuse box. “Oops.”

  Jake would’ve called her on that one but was suddenly blinded as a quarter of the overhead lighting came to life. Blinking furiously while his eyes adjusted he looked around. “Whoa! What is this place?”

  “The Pecos Memory Lane Car Museum! Cool, huh?” Kat vaulted the counter and led him into the main floor. “Look at these! And they’re all just sitting here waiting to be driven, once the zombies are dealt with, I mean.”