The Sage After Rain A love story

by Hawkes, Jaclyn

  "Well, I mess up a lot, but my intentions are basically good. And the longer I work at it, the better I get, but it's a good thing we usually have a lifetime to work out the kinks. I'm going to need it as slow as I learn. I'm incredibly grateful that God is patient."

  He looked at her with the most intense look and asked, "How do you know?"

  "How do I know what?"

  "That God is patient."

  She had to think about that for a few minutes and then answered, "I guess because I know that no matter how many times I make mistakes, He still hangs in there with me. Why? How do you know God is patient?"

  "I'm not sure I do understand what God is like. I know I don't understand Him like you do. I'm still trying to figure all this out. I'm a late bloomer I suppose. It's only been lately that I've even realized how important all of these concepts are. Maybe that was one good thing that came of dealing with Stacy. I learned that being without God wasn't good. Before that I was a little luke warm. My relationship with God wasn't all that vital to me until I didn't have one and realized how much I was struggling. But now, even though I'm trying to get serious, I still find myself wondering what He's like. You seem so sure about so many things that I need to know how you know. How does anyone know for sure?"

  "I guess the best way would be to study about Him and talk to Him a lot."

  "How do you truly study about God? I mean, a lot of the Bible is pretty nebulous, and no one can even agree on whether He's a spirit or what and to some He's kind and to some He's all fire and brimstone. How do you know?"

  This time she looked right at him and thought. Well, this is it. "Actually, that's easy, Matt. This is going to sound simplistic, but it works. You kind of have to work backwards. All you have to do is decide if the Book of Mormon is true. Which takes some work on your part. But if it's true, then Joseph Smith really did translate it and he truly did see the Father and the Son in the sacred grove, and the church truly is Christ's original organization headed by Him. And the prophet really is a prophet. It all has to be right.

  “At that point, you can know for yourself that God has a prophet on the earth who is speaking for Him and all you have to do is find out what the prophet says. If you know Joseph Smith was truly a prophet and saw and spoke to God, then you can believe that God looked and acted the way he said He did.”

  She smiled up at him encouragingly. "On the flip side, if you know the Book of Mormon isn't true, then none of it's true. I say that because I honestly believe it is true and that if you truly want to know for yourself, you'll find that out as well. This is one of those things that the more you really check it out, the more solidly you're convinced. The ones who don't believe are the ones who haven't thoroughly checked it out with honest intent. And the nice part about that is that when you do check it out, it all makes sense. In some ways, the whole thing is simply a lot of no brainers. It's like, no duh, if you're nice, you'll be happier than if you're grumpy. Or if you are clean living, you'll feel better physically and emotionally than if you aren't.”

  She shrugged. "For me. Once I knew for sure, then I could follow the prophet's counsel, knowing for sure that it was right, without ever having to question the validity. But that only works when you've found that knowledge out for yourself. Now all I have to do is research whatever my question is at the time. Usually, one of the prophets has made an official statement about whatever it is and I can know that that's God's word, not some human being's take on an eternal concept. And yeah, there are always going to be some funky things we don't know for sure, or at least there's not an official doctrine. Some things are too sacred to reveal or no prophet has ever made an official declaration about it. But, some things we know for sure. God and Jesus are two separate beings who have bodies that resemble us and they look exactly like each other. Some things we know.

  “As far as how patient God is. I believe the only way we can truly know Him is to study all we can and spend a lot of time visiting with Him, just like getting to know any one else."

  She hesitated. "You're kind of giving me that look. Did I just make you think I'm an off the deep end wacko?"

  "Mm. No, but only because I know you're not an off the deep end wacko from living by you in the desert."

  "Oh." She looked a little confused and after a second or two she asked, "What does that mean?"

  "Well . . . You just summed up the subject of God in two matter-of-fact minutes. And you did it in a way that makes me go, ‘So, okay, I'll buy that.’ Now what do I do about that? How am I supposed to fit the rest of the world into your little nutshell?"

  She laughed and rested against his shoulder. "Please tell me you don't expect me to have all the answers."

  "I don't. But you have enough of the answers that I'm going to have to hurry to catch up. I hate feeling like a light weight compared to you. I guess my male ego keeps intimating that as the guy, you should be able to lean on me occasionally if you needed to. I'm talking intellectually or spiritually or something."

  "I know what you mean." She wove her hand with his. "And you're right. I do need that. More than occasionally. All women need that sometimes, even if they're too feminist to admit it. Strong women need even stronger men. God intended it to be that way. He actually wants men to be the heads of families and the spiritual leader and always has, with some qualification of course. But whether or not that works out is up to each of us individually, isn't it? Isn't our own level of spirituality and eventual eternal salvation up to each of us personally?"

  "I'm sure, but it seems like having someone to encourage each other back and forth would make it much more attainable."

  She smiled up at him. "There you go again with that incredible wisdom. I think you're right. A partner would be key. You are definitely not a light weight compared to anyone."

  He glanced at her. "You're not fooling me, Taya, but I'm working on it. So is there a trick to finding out for sure if the Book of Mormon is true or not for myself?"

  "Uh, no." She reached up and put a hand on his cheek. "Sorry. I mean, there's Moroni's promise at the end. But it's not a trick. You simply have to ask for yourself until you get an answer."

  He shook his head. "That's not what I wanted you to tell me. I wanted the two minute, matter-of-fact deal so that I didn't have to rely on my own ability to figure this out. What's Moroni's promise? Same title of liberty guy?"

  "No, this is a different Moroni. This one is the one who's Mormon's son and is only mentioned at the very, very end of the Book of Mormon. Remember after that last great battle where both sides creamed each other and there was only one Nephite left and he had to spend the rest of his life hiding so that the Lamanites didn't kill him?"

  He nodded. "Okay, I remember him."

  "There's a place there where he makes a promise to people who want to know if it's all true. Moroni 10:4 He says that after you've read, if you will ask God if it's true with faith, and a sincere heart, and real intent, God will ‘manifest the truth of it unto you by the power of the Holy Ghost’. The Holy Ghost, the Spirit, is the only way any of us truly know anything. You have to ask and then listen for that still, small voice that brings the peace and warmth to your heart. That's how you know for yourself. And honestly, sometimes it's hard to hear. At least for me it is. It took me a long time to figure it out when I was seventeen. Of course my brain was still missing at the time, like most seventeen year olds."

  He laughed at her. "Really? There was a time in your life when your brain was missing?"

  She rolled her eyes. "Completely. In retrospect, I realize it's hard to survive with no brain. I almost didn't survive that time period. My lack of judgment was truly phenomenal. Thank goodness for Madeline. She's the one who found it—my brain. We found it barely in time for me to come to understand that the Book of Mormon is true before I’d made too many poor decisions."

  "I think mine was still missing until about four and a half months ago. I told you I was a late bloomer. Justin definitely did not help me find my bra
in."

  "Good friends are important. I can't imagine how different my life would be without Madeline and joining the church. My parents weren't nice, Christian people like yours. I mean they were okay, but I hadn't been given any kind of a spiritual foundation or value system other than the culture of society around me. And in D.C. at least, that was whatever I wanted to pick and choose."

  He squeezed her hand. "You must have picked and chosen relatively well to have come to where you are without guidance."

  "Oh, of course I've had guidance since Madeline. That's the great part of the church. If you really want answers, you couldn't ask for a better deal. Look, I'll show you." She went to the desk to retrieve her laptop. "There are two great websites. For beginners, the best place to start is mormon.org. It's the official church site for people who want to know more about what the church truly teaches. Then when you're a little further along, there's lds.org. Watch this.”

  She pulled up the internet on her laptop sitting on the coffee table in front of them. “Anything you want to know about anything. You can pull it up by topic . . . or which prophet . . . Or if it's in the scriptures. It's totally slick and easy. The most computer illiterate grandma in the world can check it out. I never have to go without guidance now, even when I’m not able to go to a steady ward where I have friends and help. It takes a little more self discipline when I’m by myself, but then when you're alone with a herd of sheep there's plenty of time to contemplate the things you miss in the chatter of society.”

  After looking thoughtful for a moment, she went on, “As crazy as going from here to the sheep seemed, it was a good change for me in lots of ways. It was very grounding. You can see things more clearly when you're at a little bit of a distance."

  He thought about that and then said, "After getting a glimpse of what your life here must have been like, I can't even believe you ended up out there with the sheep. Looking back on when I first met you, I never dreamed you were Taya, the Washington D.C. socialite."

  "Socialite isn't truly the right word. And it was a good place to hide."

  He nudged her with his elbow. "You were marrying a congressman, Taya. I'd call that a socialite and then some."

  She closed her computer and set it aside and lifted his arm up so she could turn to him and lean on his chest. "I'm simply me, Matt. Just Taya. No matter where I am."

  He pulled her up onto his lap like he had gotten in the habit of doing when she was so sick and she lay against him. "I'm really glad about that. I'd have never gotten to know you as the woman in the evening gown being interviewed by the news."

  She spoke without raising her head. "Madeline called and said she saw us even on the news in Denver. I thought we would only be a local story."

  He wrapped an arm around her. "A congressman being arrested at his own fancy shindig for assaulting his fiancé' was far too juicy of a story to stay local, and you've kind of snowballed from there with the corruption allegations and then supporting the opponent. And I'm sure looking like a supermodel can't have hurt."

  She laughed right out loud at him and wacked him. "You are such a gumbah sometimes. You'd better go watch football with Drew so I can try to take a nap. I'm already starting to get up tight about testifying tomorrow."

  He rubbed her arm. "You're not going to be up tight at all tomorrow. You're a total cool cucumber. I know you."

  "A second ago I was a supermodel, now I'm a cucumber. I'm deteriorating fast this afternoon."

  He smiled and shook his head. "Oh, I don't know. I love cucumbers. They taste delicious." Leaning down, he bit her gently on the lip.

  She kissed him for a few seconds and then broke it off to laugh. "That is the all time worst segue into kissing I have ever heard!"

  He gave her his mellow smile that went so perfectly with his soft drawl as he said, "Hey, it worked. Quit giggling. I'm trying to taste you here."

  Chapter 30

  When he left almost half an hour later, she did try to nap, but as soon as she laid down there seemed to be a million thoughts going around and around in her head. The happy spirit she had felt in Matt’s arms began to dissolve into wondering why when they were such good friends; they couldn’t talk about their future. What was up with them? She honestly didn’t think Matt was the kind of guy who was just stringing her along, but they had no plans beyond getting through her testimony at the trial.

  Realistically, that was probably tomorrow, and at most another couple of days. She turned over and smacked her pillow almost roughly, as she tried to focus on something other than her and Matt’s lack of communication about the future.

  She was going to have to face John again tomorrow and this time, knowing that she had openly worked to destroy his political career. She knew if any of the people who wanted him elected wanted to keep her quiet, they had only the next eighteen hours or so to do it and that was a scary thought.

  She wondered if her parents would be there tomorrow as well. She knew she needed to deal with them and her feelings toward them, but everything in her wanted to run away from it. And Joshua had spoken to her a number of times about coming back to work full time at the office again. It made sense, but her heart wasn't in it.

  Mostly, the problem was that she was feeling like the sand was running out of her hour glass with Matt. Maybe that was a good thing, because he wasn't a member, but it didn't feel like a good thing. Which didn't really matter anyway, because as much as he acted like he liked her, he hadn't said so much as word one about them being together in the future except in a completely casual way.

  They had so much fun when they were together. Even when they weren't having fun, they had this easy friendship that felt so much like home. So why was there no plan beyond the next day or two? In a way it made her want to panic. She wasn't sure she wanted to face the future, wherever she was going to end up, without him. No, she was sure. She definitely didn't want to face it without him, but she didn't know what to do about it. For some reason, trying to decide about him made her so confused.

  She got up and knelt to pray again. She'd been doing that a lot lately. She wanted to do the right thing, but what was the right thing? She lay back down again to listen after her prayer, but it was impossible to feel any peace with her kaleidoscope of thoughts going round and round and round. She got up and went to the window to look out into the late afternoon in the city, and then decided maybe that wasn't such a good idea. The view was dreary even for all the hustle and bustle, and the police had cautioned her to not be any more exposed than she absolutely had to be until after she had been a witness and the danger would be over.

  Just looking for a minute or two had been enough for her to know that this wasn't what she wanted anymore. She closed her eyes and thought back on the purple dusk of the desert and the sweet smell of the sage after the rain. She hadn't liked the dust and the heat and the dry, but she had loved the peace and the wide, open spaces. She should go back out west, even if things didn't work out between her and Matt. Although maybe that was foolish when she was in a good market and owned part of the company here. Wasn't it?

  She found herself walking her hotel suite and tried to make herself sit down and relax, but she was incredibly tightly wound.

  Matt knocked and she opened the door between their rooms. "It doesn't sound like napping; it sounds like pacing in here. Are you okay? Not sleepy?"

  She came into his arms and leaned her forehead against his chest. "Not sleepy. My mind won't let the rest of me rest."

  "Drew and I were thinking about food. Would something to eat help?"

  She shook her head. "No, why don't the two of you go down to the restaurant and actually sit and eat. I'm not hungry anyway, so there's no reason for you to have to eat up here with me. Maybe I'll eat later."

  "What is it you're thinking about? Can I help you?"

  She looked up into his warm, brown eyes and wished she could come right out and ask what was in his head about her, but she couldn't do it. She shook her head and turned a
way from him. "I'm thinking about anything and everything, and all intelligent reasoning has escaped me. I don't think you can fix that. But thanks anyway. Go eat. I'll be fine."

  He looked hesitant and studied her face for a moment and then sighed. "We won't be gone long. I'll bring you something."

  After he was gone, she paced again and then sat back down and absently turned on her computer, but she didn't work on Sundays. Finally, she picked up her cell phone and called Madeline. She knew she was probably busy with her two children, but she wanted to hear her voice anyway. Madeline had always been able to make sense of things that were nuts to Taya.

  At first Taya simply small talked and Madeline visited back and then she paused and asked Taya what was really going on and Taya surprised them both by starting to cry. It took her a minute to get some composure and then it all came tumbling out in a rush.

  Madeline listened and asked a few questions and then in her sweet, patient way reminded Taya, “In all the struggle, Taye, don’t forget your Father in Heaven is watching over you and that He is in control and will help you with your struggles and decisions.” She ended with, "I'm sorry, Taya. I can't tell you what to do, because I'm not there to even know what you're going through, but He can. Have faith in Him and trust your gut feelings here and you'll be fine. By this time next week, this will be all resolved, I'm sure."

  "Thank you, Mad. You're right, I'm only overreacting. Thanks for letting me call and bawl on you. Kiss those babies. Love you. I'll call you in a few days."

  Just as she was going to push end, she heard Madeline say, "Hey, Taya?"

  "Yeah."

  "Call your old home teachers and get a blessing."

  Taya sniffed and smiled. "I believe I will. See you, Madeline."

  "Good luck tomorrow. By Sweetie." Taya closed her phone and the tears started up again and she went in search of a tissue.

  As she came back into the sitting room, Matt poked his head around the door to offer her food. When he saw her face, he advanced into the room and put the Styrofoam box on the table. He took her hand and then sat down on her couch with her again, and she leaned on his chest and tried to stop crying while he rubbed her back. Finally, he asked, "Are you sure I can't help you with anything?"