Secrets and Lies

by Janet Woods

  ‘Dance . . . dance . . . dance, Lady Esmé, dance with me . . .’

  Out of habit they skipped together in the right place, dropped their bags and went into the routine. Soon they were doing the foxtrot in the middle of the road and singing at the top of their voices. When he lifted her by the waist, twirled her round and set her down, they were breathless. They collapsed on to a fallen log and gazed at each other, laughing.

  ‘I love dancing with you, and I love you,’ she said, surprising herself, because she didn’t really know if she did, or not. Instantly, she wished she could take the words back, for the statement seemed to make things more permanent. It would be permanent!

  His smile widened, and then faded. ‘You mean that, don’t you, Es? It sounded as though you were trying to convince yourself.’

  ‘Would I have said so if I didn’t?’

  ‘No . . . I suppose not. We haven’t known each other very long, and for that reason alone I don’t think your family will approve of me.’

  The reluctance in his voice was marked; as if he was as uncertain as she was now that their union was close.

  She touched his face. ‘They don’t have to approve of you, but it would be nice if they did. They won’t, unless they’re given the chance to get to know you. Are you getting cold feet?’

  ‘I don’t want to alienate you from those you love. Family is important to you.’ The small touch of yearning in his voice reminded her that he had no family to welcome him home.

  ‘Yes they are. They’ll grow to love you when you become one of us. Our children will have cousins and aunts and uncles.’

  Doubt filled his eyes. ‘I don’t know how I’ll function in such an environment. I’ve always been a bit solitary, and thought you would become my family, not the other way round. As for children . . . I hadn’t given them much thought at all.’

  Neither had she given any thought to children, just took it for granted that there would be one or two.

  ‘Except for a short time with my brother, I can’t remember ever being part of a proper family.’

  They should have discussed all this in advance, and Esmé didn’t quite know how to handle it. ‘Then it’s about time you were. Wait till you meet my niece, Meggie. She’ll want you to teach her all the dances. I showed her how to dance the Charleston before I left. She couldn’t figure out how to coordinate her hands and knees without knocking them together.’

  There was something strained about his laughter. ‘She got herself in a tangle, did she?’

  ‘My nephews are typical boys, and my brother-in-law is a well-respected surgeon. He loses his doctorly dignity when he’s home. He eggs the boys on, usually when it’s their bedtime. My sister pretends to get cross with him, and Denton pretends not to notice. He adores Livia.’

  Taking her face between his hands, he gazed into her eyes. ‘And I adore you, my darling Esmé. You’re my best friend, and I’ve never thought of any woman as that before.’

  Mindful they were on a public road, however remote, potholed and stony it was, his kiss was light against her lips, and without much passion . . . but then, she only had Leo Thornton’s kiss to compare it to, and Leo had an unfair advantage. But then again, she’d probably never see the Australian again . . . and there was probably more to him than just being good at kissing.

  They’d just moved apart when a car came rumbling towards them. It skidded to a halt in a cloud of dust. A heap of people tumbled out and swept Esmé into their midst.

  Livia said straight away. ‘Before you say anything, I’m sorry I was such a bad-tempered wretch the last time I saw you. Forgive me or I’ll never speak to you again.’

  Esmé’s laughter was carried off by the wind. ‘Is that a promise? Of course I forgive you, Livia, as long as it’s reciprocated. I’ve missed you so much.’

  ‘Now you’re home I’m never letting you escape again.’

  Esmé flicked Liam a glance, but he was gazing warily at Livia, as if he thought she might set about him.

  Her glance moved on to Meggie next. ‘Hallo Meggie Moo. You must have grown three and a half inches taller since I last saw you.’

  Meggie cast a doleful look at her budding breasts, then folded her arms over them and hunched her shoulders. ‘I loathe growing up.’

  ‘It’s better than growing down.’

  ‘You might grow roots if you did,’ Luke said.

  ‘Or have branches growing out of your head with a bird’s nest on top,’ Adam added.

  The boys howled with gales of laughter at the stale joke, which was borrowed from their father, and was one of his less impressive efforts.

  Dropping a kiss on Meggie’s head Esmé exchanged a sympathetic smile with her sister. ‘I don’t suppose males can help being like that, can they?’

  Meggie giggled. ‘Who wants brothers. They’re dire creatures . . . honest.’

  Nevertheless Esmé loved them to pieces. She gave them a quick hug and kiss before they realized her intention.

  ‘Disgusting . . . germs!’ Adam said, and Luke grabbed at his own throat and made strangling noises.

  ‘I’ve missed you, Meggie, come and give me a hug.’ Her glance went to Livia’s flat stomach. ‘Have you had the baby then?’

  ‘I lost it . . . him . . . It was shortly after you left.’

  A small surge of guilt stabbed at Esmé. ‘Oh Livia, I’m so sorry.’

  ‘I’m over it now. It wasn’t anyone’s fault . . . something to do with the placenta being in the wrong place and becoming detached.’

  Meggie’s gaze wandered to Liam and she whispered. ‘Who’s that man with you?’

  Esmé had almost forgotten about Liam in the pleasure of being home again. ‘His name is Liam Denison. Liam’s my dancing partner, and . . .’ Her eyes met his and she smiled to reassure him of his worthiness. ‘He’s also my fiancé.’ Holding out her hand she drew him into the circle. ‘Come and meet everyone, Liam.’

  ‘Goodness . . . that’s a surprise.’ Livia gazed at him, a frown wrinkling her forehead. ‘You seem familiar, Mr Denison. Are you from these parts?’

  ‘I grew up in London.’

  ‘How long have you and Esmé known each other?’

  Esmé experienced a withdrawal in Liam, as though he’d closed a door on himself.

  ‘We’ve known each other for a few weeks,’ she said. ‘Now, can we get home. I take it you’re going to offer us a bed each for the night.’

  ‘Yes . . . yes, of course.’ There was something cool about her sister’s manner now. ‘We might be a bit crowded because Chas and his friend will be home for the weekend. You remember Leo Thornton don’t you, Esmé? You met him at the New Year’s Eve weekend party. He’s heading home to Australia next week. A pity. I rather liked him, and he fitted in so well.’

  Esmé absently touched her fingertips against her mouth and tried not to grin. How that man kept popping into her thoughts! Leo wasn’t the type to go unnoticed, even when he wasn’t present. ‘Yes, of course, I remember Leo.’

  ‘Aunt Es can sleep in my room with me,’ Meggie said. ‘I can use the truckle bed. Liam can sleep in her room, and Leo can bunk in with Chad.’

  ‘They’re grown men, Meggie, and grown men take up a great deal of room.’

  Liam was apologetic. ‘We should have telephoned you first. If it’s inconvenient I can stay at a local hotel.’

  ‘There isn’t a local hotel. I imagine we can fit you in somewhere though. The couch in the small sitting room might have to do, but I daresay you’ve slept on worse.’

  ‘Haven’t we all, Mrs Elliot,’ Liam murmured, diverting what seemed to be a deliberate slight by her sister with a light laugh, though there was something unsure about it.

  ‘Right then, let’s all get in the car. Grab the handle and give it a turn, please, Billy.’

  ‘It’s Liam . . . not Billy,’ Esmé reminded her.

  Her sister’s gaze engaged Liam’s directly. ‘William . . . Liam . . . Billy . . . what’s the difference?’
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br />   Liam appeared embarrassed by her sister’s challenge, for colour appeared in his cheeks. He held his ground though. ‘It’s simply a matter of preference on my part.’

  Livia was immediately contrite. ‘I’m sorry, that was rude of me.’

  ‘Yes . . . it was, and apologizing doesn’t make it any less rude.’

  It was Livia’s turn to squirm while Liam bent to his task, but Livia had deserved it. Goodness, this wasn’t going anything like Esmé had expected.

  When the engine fired into life, he said, ‘There’s not much room left in the car. I’ll walk, I need the exercise.’

  Livia said stiffly, ‘As you wish. We’ll see you later, I imagine.’

  Meggie flung herself from the car, bristling with defiance. ‘He might take the wrong turn, so I’m walking with him.’

  Livia was brusque. ‘Suit yourself, you usually do.’

  Esmé, with Luke and Adam flanking her, didn’t have time to join them because Livia immediately put the car into gear and they were off.

  What had happened to her loving closely-knit family? Esmé wondered in dismay. That had been instant antagonism. When they got to the house Esmé waited until the children had gone inside, then said, ‘You froze him out, Livia. Why?’

  ‘Yes . . . I suppose I did. What do you know of his background?’

  ‘Liam is all alone in the world. I’m going to marry him, that’s all I need to know.’

  ‘Do you remember Billy Bastard from the orphanage?’

  Unease made muddy inroads into her stomach. ‘Not clearly. I try not to think of our time in the orphanage.’

  ‘I think Liam Denison is one and the same.’

  ‘What if he is? It’s not his fault he was orphaned. His parents died during the war.’

  Livia gave an impatient cluck of her tongue. ‘He’s lying if he told you that. He was called Billy Bastard? His mother was a prostitute and had two children out of wedlock. Apparently the woman didn’t even know who the boys’ fathers were. He has a brother, I recall. Timmy, I think his name was.’

  ‘Liam did have a brother. Tommy died in the Spanish flu outbreak.’

  ‘There . . . what does that tell you?’

  ‘That he had a brother who died in the Spanish flu pandemic. How very sad. I’m glad I didn’t lose my brother, and pleased I managed to stay alive at the time when so many didn’t.’

  ‘You’re being deliberately provocative. That man comes from bad stock . . . you can’t marry someone from that background? He’s a dancer. How will he support you when he’s too old to dance? I’m ashamed of you, Esmé.’

  Esmé had wondered that herself on occasion. She was ashamed too – ashamed that her sister thought like that. She understood too well where it came from. Despite being middle class their own parents had lived beyond their means and had left them destitute. At fourteen, Livia had been sent from the orphanage to work as a maid in Foxglove House, where she’d married the doomed and disabled Richard Sangster – a move that had ensured a future for them all. Meggie had been produced from that short marriage.

  But she couldn’t dance to Livia’s tune any more. Her sister had gained everything she’d ever wanted from life . . . a loving husband, a family, and some standing in the local community. Granted, Livia had been like a mother to her and Esmé didn’t want to hurt her sister. But Livia lived in a small world within her own boundaries, and Esmé had stepped outside it now.

  ‘Perhaps you’d prefer it if we postponed the wedding until I can sort things out with Liam. You might be mistaken, you know, and does it matter? I’m sure you’ll like him once you get to know him properly.’

  Livia’s sigh held relief. ‘I knew you’d see sense, Esmé.’

  Just then Meggie came bounding down the road. She came to a halt, panting for breath. ‘He’s gone, Aunt Es.’

  ‘Liam’s gone . . . gone where?’

  ‘Back to the station. He said he didn’t want to be the cause of any trouble.’

  Livia gazed at her. ‘I told you he didn’t fit in.’

  ‘You never gave him the chance to find out.’ She started back towards the station at a run, for the up train was due before too long. Meggie began to follow her.

  ‘Go home, there’s a love, Meggie Moo,’ she shouted over her shoulder. ‘This is private, and it’s between myself and Liam.’

  Liam was sitting on his bag. Her own bag was next to him, as though he’d expected her to return and join him. Gazing up at her, he smiled. ‘Well, let’s be having the inquisition.’

  Anger rippled through her. ‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

  ‘It’s not something I wanted to remember.’ He shrugged. ‘Your sister knew me right away. I could see the disdain in her eyes, as though she thought me beneath her.’

  ‘Did you recognize her right away?’

  He nodded. ‘She brought some food to the orphanage a couple of times. Once, you were having a birthday. She hugged you and your brother. I asked her to hug my brother, as well . . . and she did. Tommy never forgot it. When he was delirious with fever from the flu he asked if she’d been our mother. I lied to him, and said she was, and she’d be coming back for us. Our own mother promised to come for us when she left us there, but she never did.’

  Tears filled her eyes. ‘Livia was in the orphanage too for a while. We had a different background than most, and she remembered it. The change affected her badly. Chad and I were young, and the orphanage is all we knew. It was easier for us because we always knew she’d come for us one day.’

  Liam drew in a deep breath. ‘I ran away from the place when I was thirteen, and lived by my wits for a year or so. Then I found a job cleaning a theatre. Eric was in the chorus line. He taught me the routines and I was taken on as a dancer.’

  ‘What did living on your wits entail?’

  ‘Nothing a nice girl like you should know about.’

  ‘By running away now you’re forcing me to choose between you and my family, Liam.’

  ‘That’s not really a choice, Esmé. If you loved me there would be no choice to make. I can’t be slotted in as part of your family, my love. You’re different to me. We want different things. Come what may I’m sailing on the Aquitania. That’s what I want.’

  Bewildered, she gazed at him. ‘But you said you had to contact them—’

  ‘I lied. They offered me a job, and I’m taking it. I want to make something of myself.’

  Her smile came, and just as quickly fled as his words sunk in. ‘They didn’t want me, did they. Why didn’t you say so?’

  The train whistle blew in the distance. He shrugged. ‘I didn’t know how to tell you.’

  ‘Ah . . . I see. It seems as though lying is a habit with you. You’re very good at it, Liam.’

  He was curt. ‘Then I’ll try not to sugar coat it. They didn’t want a couple, and you’d have been out of your depth, anyway. You would have looked like the amateur you are, and would never have managed the routines.’ After a short pause, he whispered, ‘I was undecided, wondering if my wage would support us both, and whether to take the job or turn it down. I didn’t want to hurt you. Meeting your family decided me.’

  ‘But it’s all right to hurt me now. You’re saying it was Livia’s fault?’

  ‘Nothing is her fault, and you wanted the truth. She’s watching out for your interests, as she’s always done. I’ve got nothing to fall back on in the way of fortune or skills and she knows it. But then, it’s not something I’ve tried to acquire because I’ve just drifted from job to job before, and without being answerable to anyone. I don’t need you, Esmé.’

  The brutal cut wounded her deeply. ‘Am I to take it you were going to end our engagement, and all the talk about being in love with me was lies?’

  ‘No . . . oh, God . . . I do love you, Es. I love you with everything that’s in me, which isn’t much I might add, because I’m sort of hollow. All this domestic stuff isn’t for me. I never wanted marriage until I met you, and at the moment I certainly don�
�t want the responsibility of raising children, or wrestling with the politics of brothers and sisters. I’ve been struggling about accepting this job on the Aquitania. If I turn it down we can stay on the Horizon Queen. But this opportunity only comes once in a lifetime. At the moment I can only offer you the life of a gypsy. Take it or leave it.’

  ‘You could settle down if you put your mind to it. You could learn to be anything you wanted. You can’t dance forever, your body won’t let you, and having children would ground you. You’re using that as an excuse. You want me to be the one to choose, because you know what my answer will be. I care for you too much to tie you down, but d’you know something? I don’t really love you . . . not yet. I was hoping it would grow. You’re a coward, Liam.’

  He flinched as though she’d struck him. ‘If that’s what you want to think.’

  If she stayed she’d become a millstone around his neck, so she did what he expected. She took off the ring and held it out to him. He closed her hand over it. ‘Keep it. It isn’t worth much.’

  ‘It isn’t worth anything. I thought you were better than that.’

  He withdrew into himself, into his hurt. ‘So did I, but there’s obviously some truth in the saying that a leopard never changes its spots.’ He gently kissed her when the train came into view, then picked up his bag. ‘Thanks for everything, Esmé. Come if you like but you’ll have a better life without me in it.’

  Gazing into his eyes she said deliberately, wounding him as best she could, ‘I know I will. Goodbye, Billy Bastard.’

  She got through to him with that, and immediately felt guilty when he flinched, as though she’d struck him. ‘I guess I deserved that. Try not to hate me, love. I’m hurting as it is.’

  A healthy dollop of anger surged into her. He was hurting! How did he think she was feeling?

  Getting into the carriage he gazed at her through the window. She could see the reflection in the glass of her bag at her feet. All she had to do was pick it up and join him. But she couldn’t spend her life being consumed by Liam’s search for self-worth. She’d struggled too hard to hang on to her own.