Zero F*cks: a standalone novel

by LK Collins

  “About thirty minutes,” someone says. I move to the man that is attached to the at least two hundred-pound fish.

  “We can’t get it out of his leg,” someone says to me.

  “You don’t want to,” I tell them. “He’ll bleed to death.”

  I spot the basket coming down. “You okay?” I ask the injured man. He nods and I grab the jigsaw. Once I have it, I give Nixon the go-ahead and run back to the man. “I’m going to saw the bill off the fish. I need you to stay still, okay?”

  Rapidly he nods, his face sweaty, and as I place the blade to the fish, he turns white. “Stay with me,” I tell him and begin. “We’ll have you at the hospital before you know it.”

  I make quick work of the job, and as I finish I look up at him. He’s still awake. Thank God. One of his crew helps me get him into the basket, and Nixon takes him up into the helicopter. Then I’m brought up and we take the man, who’s surprisingly calm, to get the medical attention he needs.

  During the flight, Nixon and I work on him together. He is the first real patient that Nixon and I have had and we are in a good rhythm. No drama or bullshit from the past, just the task at hand. We’ve been out on many calls and test runs since Nixon joined, but never had to bring anyone up, until today.

  As Guy lands on the roof of the hospital, we are immediately greeted by staff who take the patient away. Nixon gives me a side hug and says, “Good job, Cam.”

  I don’t hug him back. I can’t let myself dive into these feelings that he brings out of me. He’ll just hurt me again and I know it.

  Getting back into the helicopter, we finish out the day the same way we have been. Them yakking it up and me…I’m silent.

  “You guys wanna go to the Taco Shack tonight?” Luke asks, as the four of us walk out of work.

  “Hell yeah!” Guy responds. “I could use a good margarita.”

  “I’m gonna pass. You guys go.”

  “What?” they look at me. I haven’t missed a night out since we started working together. But the truth is, I can’t be around Nixon anymore. I’m exhausted and need some time apart. “Why?”

  “I’m tired, that’s all.”

  “No, fuck that, you’re coming out,” Luke orders me.

  Nixon is studying me and I gaze up at him, hoping he’ll catch my drift, ‘cause Guy and Luke aren’t going to let me bail “You in, man?” Guy asks him.

  “I can’t,” he says, “I’ve got some lady plans tonight, guys.”

  They accept his rejection and the three of us leave together, while Nixon goes God only knows where.

  ***

  “We’ll take another round,” Luke says to the bartender. Guy bailed on us hours ago, so it’s just him and me.

  “So you think you and Nixon will ever get past the shit he put you through?” Luke asks me.

  “I don’t know, it’s not even about the past anymore. He’s not the same guy as he was when he left. ”

  “What do you mean?”

  “It doesn’t matter, Luke.”

  He rolls his eyes at me and says, “Come on. Be honest, did you really see yourself being with a guy like him long-term?”

  I really did, but I’m not sure how to tell Luke that. “He was different back then. You don’t know the Nixon he used to be.”

  “He’d have to be like a one-eighty different, ‘cause this guy is something else. I mean, who walks into a skydiving place, late, covered in hickeys, with their own chute on, shirtless?”

  “Nixon!” We both laugh and then Luke says, “See what I mean? Normal people don’t do that.”

  “I know, that’s why I’m saying he used to be so different.”

  “Different, how?”

  “He put me at the center of his world. I was his everything. Then one day, I wasn’t. Losing him was the hardest thing I’d ever been through.” I’m honest with Luke, because I want him to know the truth.

  “Why do you really think he did it?”

  “I don’t know. He says it was to protect me, but it killed me. How is that protecting someone? Now, I’m miserable being around him; the pain is still there from what he did. He gets into my head. Typically saving someone the way I did today would have been an adrenaline rush and made me feel fulfilled. But it was like I was going through the motions, the way I was trained, but I wasn’t happy. When we fly, I sit back and try and drown him out.”

  “Cam, did you ever think that maybe what he did was the right thing? I mean, let’s be honest, he’s not good enough for you.”

  I smile at Luke’s comment; he’s so sweet. “No, I never thought of it like that.” And I didn’t, I was too broken up to ever see any good in him and Conner leaving. Maybe I should’ve. They left to fight for our country, our freedom, and risked their lives doing it.

  Luke cups my face, and I blink a few times, caught off guard by his public display of affection. “Well, I think you should. He doesn’t deserve you. He didn’t then and he sure as hell doesn’t now.” Taking his hand in mine, the feelings I once had aren’t there anymore and I don’t want Luke to get the wrong idea. I can tell by the way he’s speaking there is more to what he’s saying than he’s letting on.

  “Cam, I’m not sure if you’re feeling what I am, or if you need some more time. But since we hooked up, you’re all I can think about. I know I’m no Nixon Andrews, but I promise you this, I’ll never, ever, hurt you. I’ll do everything in my power to make you happy…if you’ll let me.”

  I nod, hearing his words and as I try to process them, the entire room around me spins. Maybe I’m hearing things and he’s not even speaking. It could be the alcohol.

  “Luke…that’s sweet of you,” I barely choke out.

  “Well, it’s the truth, as honest as I’ve ever been with you, Cam. I…I…” The way he’s looking at me is making me nervous and I scurry up off my seat. “Can you hold that thought real quick?” he nods and we separate hands then I stumble off.

  Needing fresh air, I…I…what? He wasn’t about to tell me he loved me, was he? Leaving the bar, I walk out into the hot and humid Florida night. There is a cab parked in front of me, and I just get inside, not even thinking about what leaving is going to do to Luke. But if I don’t go, I’m not sure what’ll happen, and I don’t want to hurt him, I know how it feels. Rejection is the worst thing you can do to another person, and Luke is one of my best friends. I can’t do that to him…

  Chapter 10

  Nixon

  Standing at her door, my damn palms are sweaty. I raise my hand to knock, but stop. What the fuck am I thinking? What am I even doing here?

  Turning my back, I head downstairs and out of her building. I let her go for a reason; I need to stick with that decision. She’ll never look at me the same way she used to, we’ll never have what we had again…that seems obvious.

  Hopping in my truck to leave, I pull out my cell phone and text the last chick that messaged me. I don’t even care who she is, I just need a good fucking tonight. As I hit send, I stick the key in the ignition and a taxi pulls up in front of me. The rear door opens and out stumbles Cameron. She’s blitzed out of her mind as she trips on the curb, falling to her hands and knees. The taxi drives off, leaving her, and I shake my head, pissed at her for getting this drunk.

  What the fuck is she thinking?

  The last thing she’ll want to see is me, but she can’t even open the door to her building. Getting out angry, I help her stand. She looks up at me and for the first time since I’ve been back, she smiles at me, softening my heart, a sight I’ve fucking missed.

  “Nixon,” she slurs, her breath mixed with tequila and mint. “What are you doing here?”

  I ignore her question and help her inside. She clings to me, her head hanging low, and she keeps tripping on the steps. “How much did you have to drink?” I ask her.

  “Who cares?”

  “Give me your keys,” I demand, and when she does, I lift her up and toss her over my shoul
der. She laughs for a moment and then silences, swaying with the motions as I carry her into her apartment. Tossing her down on her bed, her long messy hair fans out around her.

  God, she’s so hot.

  “Did Guy and Luke let you get this drunk?” I ask her.

  “I don’t need anybody to let me do shit.” She rolls to her side and pats the bed next to her, but I decline shaking my head. If I sit, I might end up fucking her—right here, right now. And I can’t take advantage of her like that. We’d both hate ourselves tomorrow if anything happened, especially with how drunk she is. “Stop being such a pussy and sit down.” Against my better judgment I listen to her.

  “I should fuck him up for letting you drink so much.”

  “You do that, Mister Tough Guy.”

  “I will. Was Guy there with you?”

  “He left early like a pussy. It was just Luke and me. You know…I fucked him a while ago and now he likes me.”

  “What the fuck? When?” I grind my teeth hearing that she slept with him. It makes me want to smash his face in.

  “Right before you came back.” Her eyes are heavy as she’s talking to me through long blinks.

  “Do you like him?” I ask her, dreading her response.

  “I thought I did…until you came back and fucked everything up.” She glances up at me, yawning through her tired eyes. “Why are you here?”

  I shrug my shoulders, not completely sure myself. She scoots a little closer to me, her face now resting on my thigh, and I touch her cheek. Closing my eyes, her warm skin beneath my cool fingers feels so fuckin’ good.

  She asks me, “Did you miss me, when you were gone?”

  “Every day,” I whisper, and for the first time, I truly acknowledge the regret I have about leaving her. It was the hardest thing I’d ever done and the worst decision I’ve ever made. Quickly, she drifts off to sleep, her lips slightly parted, drawing me to them. My cock throbs, wanting her in every way imaginable.

  Leaning down, I breathe her in, taking my hand from her cheek and running a knuckle over her lips. She mumbles something to me that I can’t make out, and then I kiss her. She doesn’t kiss me back, and I know I have to stop. What am I thinking? No, what am I even doing here?

  I had my chance with her and ruined it. In the process, I fucked myself up. She’d be happy with a guy like Luke. She might not see it now, but she would be. Looking at her for the last time, I get off her bed and head to the front door. I walk out, and right as I go to shut it, I hear her computer ring. Knowing that it has to be Conner, I stand there contemplating what to do. My pull to that life still so strong that I go back in to answer it.

  “Hey, man,” I tell him, loving to see his face.

  “What’s up, brother?” he asks me, clearly surprised.

  “Not much, you?”

  “Nothing, same old shit here, you know how it is. What are you doing at Cameron’s so late?”

  “It’s a long story. You safe, everyone good?”

  “Yeah…yeah, we’re good. So, you two back together, or what?”

  “Nah, far from it. You know she’ll never forgive me.”

  “But you want her to, right? That’s why you’re there, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t think so. She seems happier without me, bro, and you know how fucked up I am.”

  “You gotta let all the shit you went through here go, brother.”

  “I hear ya.”

  “I mean it. Cam needs you. When I talked to you both the other night, it’s the happiest I’ve seen her in years.”

  “She doesn’t act like I make her happy.”

  “Give it some time, man, but don’t give up on her. That’s what she’s expecting you to do. You crushed her when you left, and so did I. But you’re there now, and you can make it right. Please don’t let her down again.”

  “She deserves someone better than me, Con!”

  “Fine, then leave now. But stop fucking playing these games with her or I swear to God, I’ll—”

  I cut him off. “All right, I got you.”

  “Good. She up? Can I talk to her?”

  “I can wake her if you want.”

  “Nah, let her sleep. Tell her, I love her though.”

  “I will, be safe, brother.”

  We disconnect the video chat, his words replaying in my mind. “Don’t give up on her. You crushed her.”

  Going back into her bedroom, I stand in the doorway watching how peaceful she is. Listening to Conner, though maybe not precisely what he meant, I tug the covers to her bed back and slide under them, holding her body close to mine. Even if she gets pissed and kicks me out again, I’m enjoying her right now. Nuzzling my nose into her neck, I breathe her in, her scent turning me on. With my arms wrapped securely around her, I hold her against me, owning the moment. Her ass is tucked up against me, and as she wiggles it, my cock gets hard for her. I battle with it inside my head to go down. She’ll freak if she wakes and feels my dick like this.

  My lips automatically kiss the top of her shoulder, not able to help myself, and then she reaches back for me. Holding on to my head while she moans from my kisses, I stop, giving her body a squeeze, and she says, “Don’t stop.”

  I kiss her shoulder again, and each time my lips touch her, I have to battle within myself to stay in control. She slides her hand down my body and grabs my cock. I tilt my head back, loving her touching me, but knowing we can’t do this.

  Scooting away a little, I loosen my grip, and she rolls over, looking at my chest, and then painfully slowly, she brings her eyes up my body until she meets mine.

  Reaching down again, she cups my dick, squeezing it as she kisses my neck. I push myself against her hand, knowing that this is so wrong…but I’m not able to resist her. Her lips move all over my skin and then she reaches into my pants. “Fuck me,” she requests, and I grab her wrist, stopping her from jerking my shaft and look into her eyes. “You’re drunk.”

  “So what?”

  “So, ask me when you’re sober.”

  “No!” she scoots down and unbuttons my pants. Against my better judgment, I let her. Her hair is covering her face and I push it behind her ear, needing to see her. She takes her lips and wraps them over the end of my dick. I pause for a moment, the warmth of her mouth taking me back in time and then push my cock all the way into the back of her throat. My eyes are open watching her, not believing that it’s really her doing this. Then she sits up and reaches down, grabbing the hem of her shirt, pulling it over her head. Her tits spring free—she’s not wearing a bra—and the second that I have my eyes locked on them, they are exactly the same as I remember. Plump and perfect, with the softest pink nipples I’ve ever seen.

  A soft growl brews in my throat looking at her. She lies down and gently pulls my body on top of hers. I gaze at her, knowing I should stop, but she urges me on, pressing her hips up. I sit up on her and take both of my hands, grabbing her tits, squeezing them and then bending down consuming each one. Loving how her nipples harden beneath my tongue. She arches and moans, her eyes tightly shut.

  Releasing her, I plant a kiss in between her tits, and she removes her shorts. My eyes eat her up. Her soft pussy is groomed the same way it was all those years ago. It’s as I imagined it to be, and I lose time, ignoring the constant noise that is screaming at me to quit. Spreading her legs wide, I settle in between her and drag my tongue back and forth over her clit, her body bowing against my mouth. I push hard against her as she does the same to me, while I keep working her. She tastes the same too, always my own personal drug.

  I can see her face through her tits, and can tell she’s close. A few more flicks of my tongue and she starts to shake and scream my name. “Oh God, like that, Nixon.”

  Holding her tightly, as she gives over to the pleasure, my cock hurts so bad needing to be inside her. But not like this. I let her body settle and then reach for my zipper.

  “Please fuck me.” I shake my head
and get off her, but she pulls me down and then grabs a condom out of her drawer, tearing it open with her teeth. For some unknown reason, I watch her place it in her mouth.

  Fuck, she’s so goddamn hot.

  Her lips are parted and I swallow, pushing my pants farther down. Then she uses her mouth to roll it down my dick. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anyone as badly as I want her right now. Even though I shouldn’t, especially ‘cause she’s drunk, I have to. I kneel like she is, so we are face to face, and take my cock at the base. “Are you sure?” I ask her and she answers by settling down on me.

  “Yes,” she whines and wraps her body around mine. I fit inside her perfectly. Her pussy is so tight and warm around my dick. Lying her down on the bed, I kiss her nipples, fucking loving being with her again after all this time and shove myself as far inside her as I can.

  “Fuck, Cam,” I tell her, and I can’t even move, my forehead resting against hers, the blood pulsating to the tip of my cock as she is looking up at me. But as I really look at her, she’s so drunk, her eyes are glazed over, and I know this is wrong.

  My body might be screaming at me to fuck her hard, but I can’t. Pulling out of her, I get off the bed and zip my pants up with the condom still on.

  “I can’t, I’m sorry, Cam,” I turn and walk away, hearing her sobs and then something smash against the wall as I close the door to her apartment. I know she doesn’t understand, but she doesn’t need to. Again…it’s for her own good.

  Chapter 11

  Cameron

  I don’t remember every single thing from last night, but I do remember the way his lips felt on my body, the way his heart beat against mine. The way his cock felt being back inside of me. Through all the alcohol, that was clear as day, and then I remember the pain when he took it all away, like he did when he joined the Navy.

  I can’t stop the tears from spilling out of my eyes. How did things end up like this? How did they go so…wrong? Is something wrong with me?

  My laptop rings from the living room, and I know it’s Conner. As much as I don’t want to talk, I promised him I’d always answer his calls no matter what. Pulling on my t-shirt, I answer it holding back the emotions that are tearing at the seams wanting to spill out of me in hopes he can’t sense I’ve been crying.