by Unknown
“You’re going to break his heart,” Toby says. “His world pretty much revolves around you.”
“That’s part of it. He’s way too clingy. We are both too young to be so serious.” As I tell Toby, it feels like there is a knife being stabbed into my stomach. How much worse is it going to feel when I tell Gabe? “I am going to wait a few days, though. So don’t tell him. I want to be the one to do it.”
“Okay,” he says. “I won’t say a word. Just do it soon. I don’t want you to continue leading him on.”
“I will.”
Toby gets up from beside me. “I’m going to go hang out with Victoria for a while.”
He’s mad.
No, he’s not just mad — he’s furious. I don’t blame him. Toby and Gabe both worked so hard to get us to where we are… They encouraged me to stand-up to my stalker and I did. Now I wish that I hadn’t. I wish that when Gabe asked me if I loved him that I could have just said no. I won’t make that same mistake again. My feelings will no longer be an issue.
If I have to pretend to be a cold-hearted bitch, then I will.
7pm
My pool boy.
I have spent my day avoiding Gabe. First by pretending to take a nap, and now by hanging out with Victoria. I know that being around him will just remind me of what I am about to do.
Giving up sucks. But dying sucks worse.
I get a friend request on Staying Connected, and look to see the name Brian Asher. We don’t have any friends in common and I don’t know anybody by that name, so I click on the profile. It’s then that I realize I do know who it is. Brian. The pool boy. In his profile picture, he’s wearing a De Anza Community College hoodie. His arm is draped around a girl who is beautiful, and for a split second I feel jealous of this girl. After a few moments of looking though, I see the girl’s name is Olivia Asher, so it has to be his sister. They look a lot alike.
I accept his friend request and then look at his profile. And yeah, I look at his relationship status. It says single. And that makes me ridiculously happy.
If I love Gabe, could I really have feelings for another guy?
No. I don’t have feelings for Brian. I’ve talked to him a total of two times since I moved here. Plus, his profile says he’s twenty. Why would a twenty year old guy be interested in a seventeen year old girl? The answer is they wouldn’t. And he’s not. I’m just confused because Brian is extremely hot — like probably the hottest guy I’ve ever seen. Not that I would ever tell Gabriel that.
A message pops up on my screen from him.
Brian Asher: Hey.
It’s ridiculous how much I am smiling over the fact that he just messaged me. And he just said ‘hey’.
I try to think of something witty to say back, but even with me being over two thousand miles away he still has me tongue-tied. I thought talking via text was supposed to make you feel braver? It doesn’t.
Me: Hi.
Brian Asher: What’s up?
What is it about Brain that makes me want to spill my deepest, darkest secrets? But I want to. So, I kind of do.
Me: I’m in Hawaii, but it kind of sucks. Family stuff. :(
Brian Asher: Want to talk about it?
Me: I probably shouldn’t, but yeah, I kinda do.
“Who is that?” Victoria asks me. “He’s freaking hot.”
“It’s Brian. He’s… ugh… my pool boy,” I answer.
“I wish my pool boy looked like that,” she says, sighing.
Brian Asher: Want to video chat?
Victoria squeals. “You better video chat with him. I’ll give you some privacy.”
She vacates the room, locking the door behind her. It’s probably a good thing. I really don’t want Gabe walking in here and seeing me talking to Brian. Then he would think that I was breaking up with him for another guy. I’m not. I am breaking up with him because I’m not sure about my feelings for him… I’m also doing it to keep him safe.
Me: Yeah.
A few seconds later, a video chat call comes through. I’m sort of regretting not talking on Skype instead of Staying Connected. I feel like my dad could listen in to my video chats if he wanted. The thought makes me a little uncomfortable.
“Hey,” I answer, feeling really self conscious. My hair is up in a messy bun, and I’m wearing a baggy t-shirt. I don’t look cute at all. Of all the times that I could video chat with a gorgeous man, now is the time? Really?
Brian looks good. Even with a pixelated face. His internet connect must not be as good as mine is.
For a moment, I wonder if I should feel awkward. I’m video chatting with somebody that I barely know. But I don’t feel awkward. In fact, other than the intense butterflies in my stomach, I feel completely normal, like we do this all the time.
“How is Hawaii?” he asks.
“It’s beautiful,” I answer. “We are in Hana, Maui, and it’s gorgeous. I went cliff diving yesterday from forty-five feet high. It was so much fun.”
“You went cliff diving?”
“Yes. Do you find that so hard to believe?”
“Kind of,” he says. “Though, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. You’re definitely not a stand by a watch kind of girl.”
I’m surprised that he knows this from only having two conversations with me, but he’s right. “Would you cliff dive?”
“I have before, actually. But it wasn’t so high. The cliff I jumped off of was only twenty five feet high,” he says. “It was a rush.”
I start to say that he can come next year and do it, but that would be stupid. I do still have a boyfriend. Besides, I’m certain Brian doesn’t see me as anything more than his employer’s daughter.
“So what is going on with your family?” he asks.
“Well, my family isn’t really here. Toby is. But Dad and Veronica left. Veronica is pregnant.” I try to sound happy about it, but I’m not. A baby is being born into a broken family. This is the worst sort of thing that could happen — especially to my baby brother or sister.
“Wow! That’s great.”
“Sort of,” I say, then I tell him the story — leaving out the part of my stalker. I tell him I got an “anonymous” text telling me that my dad cheated on Veronica. I told him about the picture, and then how I confronted him. I explained how Veronica left, and then that my dad went after her.
“So why don’t you guys leave too?” he asks. “It sounds like being there is just a reminder that your parents aren’t there.”
The answer is simple — I can’t leave. Not until I break up with Gabriel. The stalker has made it very clear that until I break up with him I am stuck here… for however long that takes. But I can’t tell Brian that.
“I don’t know,” I answer. “Maybe we should come home now. I definitely don’t want to spend another three days on a cruise.”
But if I come home now, I have to break up with Gabe now. I don’t want to do that. But I also don’t want to do it in three days. I should just get it over with.
“If I came home though, Christmas would suck even worse,” I tell him. “I have nothing to do. I would just be hanging out with Toby, or by myself.”
“You can come to Christmas at my house.” His words stun me for a moment, and I have no idea what to say. He continues talking. “I mean, my family doesn’t live in a mansion and it would be kind of crazy. I have three younger sisters, and one older brother. My older brother is twenty five and he has four kids, so it’s kind of loud. They’re hilarious, but when the whole family gets together it’s complete chaos. Also, my grandparents will be here. They always fly in for Christmas, and my grandma is kind of crazy.”
I laugh at his description of his family. For some reason, his family sounds amazing. I want to go.
“Your family sounds awesome,” I say, feeling a little jealous. “I’ve always wanted a huge family.”
“Well, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be,” he says. “Before I got my own apartment I had no privacy. Well, I kind of still don’t
. My sisters and brother show up unannounced frequently, and my seventeen year old sister seems to think my couch is where she should sleep when she misses curfew… Which is every Friday and Saturday.”
His little sister is my age. Which once again reminds me that he’s only talking to me because he’s nice.
“I have never missed curfew,” I tell him, though I’m not sure why. Maybe I want him to know that I’m mature. Though, it’s kind of a lie — I don’t have a curfew to miss.
“I didn’t either,” he says.
“So how long have you had your own place?” It’s weird that he has his own place. I haven’t even considering how my life will be when I move out on my own. My next step is college, but I’ll have a dorm room then. It just reminds me once again that we are in different stages in our life.
“I got my apartment on my nineteenth birthday,” he answers.
“How old are you?” I ask, but feel awkward about asking.
“I just turned twenty.”
Okay, twenty isn’t that much older. I will be eighteen in four months.
I notice he doesn’t ask me my age, but he probably knows. The staff likes to gossip, and I’m sure he’s heard a lot about me — good and bad.
I wonder if he thinks it’s weird that I’m his little sister’s age. I also wonder why he’s still talking to me. Our chat shows that we’ve been talking for longer than one hour now, and he doesn’t even seem bored. In fact, he’s smiling.
“What are you thinking?” I ask him. I want to know why he’s smiling.
“Just that you’re different than what I expected,” he says.
“Different how?” Annoying? Childish? Ugly? A million bad thoughts run through my head as I wonder what he thinks of me. But I don’t expect his answer to actually be positive.
“You’re kind,” he answers. “And you’re so down to earth, especially considering your dad is a billionaire. I’m your hired help, and yet you’re video chatting with me while you’re in Hawaii. Plus, you’re kind of beautiful.”
I feel my face grow warm, and I know it’s turning red. I only hope he can’t see in the video, because it’s embarrassing.
“You’re kind of beautiful too,” I tell him lamely. But it’s the truth. He is beautiful.
He smiles. “So, will I see you at Christmas?”
“Maybe,” I answer. I want to spend Christmas with his family so bad. But can I really break up with Gabriel now? Don’t I want to spend another few days with him? But the truth is, I kind of just want the break up over with so I can move on.
Brian gives me his cell phone number, and I give him mine.
Then we end the chat.
I fall back onto my bed, but I can’t stop smiling.
Brian Asher might just be the guy who helps me get over Gabe. I feel guilty for thinking it, but even if Brian and I never dated, he would be an awesome friend. Though if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t mind getting to know Brian in more than friendly ways.
Thursday, December 23
9am
I bet wrong.
On Thursday morning, I wake up feeling sick to my stomach, and I know why.
Last night, I called my dad and asked him to book me a flight home. I’m leaving here at 10 a.m.… in one hour. I’m packed, but I still haven’t broken up with Gabriel yet. When he came to my room last night, I lied to him. I told him I needed some alone time, so he slept in his room. I was awake until around two a.m.
Before I go to Gabe’s room, I get on Staying Connected and change my relationship status to single. I want my stalker to know, so he doesn’t try to delay my trip.
I take a deep breath and then I walk out of my room. Everybody else is still sleeping. So basically I have to wake Gabe up to let him know that I’m breaking up with him. I am pretty much the worst kind of human. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I love me more than I love him. If I want to survive, he has got to be out of my life. But it’s not completely selfish. I know it’s for him too.
Maybe someday we will get back together.
When I open Gabe’s door, I see that he’s awake. He’s watching a show on his laptop, but he shuts it off when he sees me.
“I missed you last night,” he tells me, which pretty much makes me feel a million times worse.
“We need to talk.” It’s the words nobody in a relationship wants to hear.
Gabe looks panicked. “What about?”
“We’ve been through a lot together,” I start out. “And I know that we finally got the stalker to agree to let us date, but I don’t want to date anymore.”
“You don’t want to date me anymore?” he asks.
“No,” I answer. “I don’t… like you in that way.”
He looks at me seriously for a moment. “Is this really you, or is somebody making you say this?”
“It’s really me, Gabriel.”
He half-nods. “So you don’t love me anymore?”
This is the test. If I can convince him that I don’t love him anymore than it’s really over. We will both be safe. I’ve gotten much better at lying, so I pray he believes me. “I don’t love you.”
His face pales. “So that’s it? After all we’ve been though we are ending just like that?”
“Just like that,” I say, just as the doorbell goes off. “That would be my ride.”
“You’re leaving?” he asks.
“Yeah. What’s the point of staying here? My dad is gone, Toby has Victoria, and it would just be awkward for me to stay.”
“Okay.” His voice is a little bitter. “I didn’t think you would actually break up with me. Ever. Guess I bet wrong.”
“Goodbye, Gabriel.” I turn and walk out of his room. I carry my luggage downstairs, and give it to the cab driver. The second the car pulls onto the road, I start crying. Breaking up with him sucked. Holding it together while I broke up with him was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but if I would’ve started crying, he would’ve known. Despite how much I care about him, I can’t be with him. I need him to know that I am heartless. Right now, I truly do feel heartless.
I can’t help but think that Gabriel might not be my happy ever after, no matter how much I thought I loved him. After the rollercoaster relationship we’ve had, I’m not sure that he will ever love me again.
My phone goes off, disrupting my thoughts.
Blocked ID: I didn’t think you had the guts to do it.
Me: You said you’d leave me alone if I broke up with Gabe.
Blocked ID: I always keep my promises. Goodbye for now, Kihanna.
Me: For now???
I never get a response to the text message, and I suddenly feel sick to my stomach. What if everything I did was in vain? What if they still want to torture me? Before I can give it too much thought, my phone goes off again. This time it’s Toby.
Toby: I love you, because you’re my sister, but you’re completely heartless. After everything we did to get you and Gabe together, you just broke up with him. Why?
Me: I’m sorry. But I can’t be with him anymore.
Toby: Whatever. I’m done trying to help you.
I don’t know how to respond to him. How did I manage to lose my boyfriend and my brother all in one day?
Victoria: I heard about you and Gabe. Are you okay? Where are you?
Me: I’m going home.
Victoria: Does it have anything to do with your sexy pool man?
Me: No.
Victoria: Your stalker?
Me: I just don’t feel like talking about it. Can you convince Toby that I’m not a heartless bitch? Please.
Victoria: I’ll work on him. See you after Christmas.
I’m about to put away my phone when I get another text — this one from Ty.
Ty: Does this mean that you and I can finally be together? ;)
Me: It’s not happening. With or without Gabe, you are still too much of a man whore.
Plus, I don’t like you, I add in my head. I don’t text it becaus
e that would be cruel.
Ty: Soon, Kihanna Evers. <3
With that I roll my eyes, and put away my phone.
I can’t wait to get on the plane.
I can’t wait to get out of Hawaii.
I can’t wait to move on… I just never thought I’d be moving on completely alone.
4pm
Alone.
The flight from Maui is less than five hours, but when I get home I am completely exhausted.
I look around for Dad and Veronica, but Reynaldo lets me know that they’re not home. He doesn’t know when they will be back or where they went. That’s not very encouraging, but wherever they are, I hope they’re making up.
I have Reynaldo grab me an anxiety pill, and then I head to bed. What I need is sleep. Before falling asleep, I send a couple of text messages. One to Gabe, and one to Brian. I feel guilty about both.
Me to Gabe: I’m sorry.
Me to Brian: I’m back in California. Thanks for the advice.