Barf the Barbarian in Red Nail (The Chronicles of Barf the Barbarian Book 2)

by Michael White

  “Surrrrrr - prise!” shouted a high, shrill though thankfully comprehensible voice from behind them. They both spun and saw Bruce smiling at them, a wide grin on his face. The man looked the same, but his skin was blue, and his body seemed to emit a strange azure shimmer, as if the blue tint was aflame somehow.

  “Oh don’t let me interrupt.” said Bruce, standing and moving with a strange elegance to Barf and pinching the bicep on his left arm as if measuring it. Barf growled deep in his throat.

  “No need to thank me, either.” he said, smiling at Valerie and then giving her a disapproving look as he saw her white tassels and boots.

  “Sister. You so need to look in a mirror.” he said. Turning back to Barf as if she had been dismissed. He spoke in a child’s voice now, as if he was trying to stop sobbing.

  “I promise not to mention those naughty, naughty, dwagons either.” he said, pinching Barf’s other bicep this time.

  “So firm.” he sighed, back to the first voice he had used, “Do you work out?”

  “Uh?” said Barf and Bruce winked.

  “No matter.” he said, “Not everyone has the brains as well as the brawn.”

  “Is that you, Bruce?” asked Valerie and the man sneered at her.

  “Of course not.” he said as if she had personally offended him, “Bruce. Dragon. Sword. Eek. Remember?”

  “Who are you, then?” asked Valerie.

  “And why are you blue?” said Barf.

  The man considered this for a second, index finger poised under his chin, “Well. Your question first, Miss run away from the circus. I am blue because blue is so in. As to your second question, I am of course the great God Xoovermatic, destroyer of worlds, raiser of the dead and prince of the elder shadows of the old ones. No need to bow. Bowing is so out these days.”

  “Ah.” said Barf as the blue man rose into the air and crossing over their heads landed in front of the kneeling red clad warriors.

  “So.” said Xoovermatic, “You are the winners. What took you so long, guys?”

  “The buggers locked thim selfs in and wouldnae come oot.” said one of the gathered red mass. “That was pretty much the first four hundred years. In the meantime, we found a great big beastie of a snake in the catacombs and we trained it to help us oot a bit. That was another fifty years.”

  “Yes, the crawler. Great initiative, I must say!” said the blue man, “Still. It’s all over now.”

  “What was the point?” asked Barf, shouting his challenge across the cavern.

  “Say, what?” asked the blue man and flew through the air until he landed directly in front of Barf and Valerie.

  “Point?” he said, smiling and licking his lips in a fashion that gave Barf at best grave misgivings. He carried on nonetheless.

  “Yes. The point. You have four hundred men wage war upon each other for five hundred years, their lives unnaturally extended, their only goal being to eliminate all of the other team.”

  “Yes. Great idea, don’t you think? Still, as you say, the reds won. So what’s their reward?” He raised one hand in the air and clicked his fingers and the red warriors began to shimmer and then as the glowing light that surrounded them faded they raised their hands in terror as the spell on them was withdrawn, and one by one they fell to dust, the cavern a whirling morass of dark, grey ash. Beside Barf Valerie gasped. “There we are. All over and done with. Must be honest. Apart from the snake thing it was all a bit of a yawn...”

  “So why did you do it?” asked Valerie.

  “I was bored, really.” said Xoovermatic, “To be perfectly honest I forgot all about it. I just saw a little five-hundred-year reminder scribbled on my calendar and I had to really, really rack my brains to remember what it was all about. What a silly old tart I am, eh? Still. I am here now and I think I fancy a bit of a change.”

  “Was it you who created the lizards to keep them in the city too?” asked Barf and the blue man looked confused for a moment.

  “Lizards?”

  “In the forest. Great big things. Can’t climb much. Got it yet?”

  “Oh, them! Silly me! The dragons, you mean?”

  “They are not dragons.” said Barf sullenly.

  “They are so.”

  “No.”

  “Are.”

  “They are not dragons!” Valerie heard the exasperation rise in Barf’s voice. “Look. No wings. No flame. No great big pile of gold or flying around. Lizards, they are, NOT dragons.”

  “Oh, I so love it when you get angry.” said Xoovermatic, finger held under the dimple of his very blue chin again.

  “Not dragons.” said Barf. “Say it.”

  “Oh, so stern.” said the blue man, “I am so going to adore being you.”

  “What do you mean?” laughed Valerie.

  “It just came to me.” said Xoovermatic. “I am so bored I fancy a change of scene. Nothing too radical though. I’ll just take Barf’s body here for a few hundred years. I expect it may be quite fun.” He looked Barf up and down slowly, “I suspect I may have trouble just getting out of the bath for the first decade.”

  “I don’t think so.” said Barf but before he could move two solid beams of light shot from the blue man's eyes and hit Barf’s eyes. Instantly the barbarian fell silent, his body slack as his arms fell to his side. As he did so he released his grip on Humdinger and the sword rattled to the floor.

  “Easy!” shouted Humdinger but Valerie paid little attention as she watched Xoovermatic begin to suck the life force out of Barf. Already the blue man's stature was growing to resemble that of the barbarian, the muscles on his arms filling out. The two of them stood facing each other, the beams of light shining from the mad God directly into Barf’s eyes. Neither of them moved.

  “Let him go!” shouted Valerie and raced to strike Xoovermatic, her sword drawn. As she did so however a flat shield of blue light formed in front of him and as she hit it she bounced off it high through the air and across the cavern, a last-minute tumble saving her from serious injury. She climbed to her feet. The two beams of light were still in place but so was the flat shield of light. As she watched, Barf seemed to be shrinking in on himself and Xoovermatic growing.

  She looked around the cavern, looking at the large pile of dust that was once the ranks of the red warriors. Amongst them was the water skin that one of the warriors had used to give Barf a drink earlier when he had been tied to the altar. Beside it was a small metal bucket resting on its side, now empty. Valerie looked at it, glanced at the form of Barf being absorbed by the blue man and raced to it and picked it up. She ran towards the blue shield and at the last second flipped herself forward, flying through the air and over the shield, just above the blue man’s head.

  “What….” he shouted but as she reached the apex of her leap Valerie gave a loud cry! “Alleyyyy oop! “she shouted and dropped the bucket over Xoovermatic’s head. Instantly the two beams of light were extinguished, the beams of the blue lights from the god’s eyes visibly bouncing around inside the bucket. Barf was instantly restored to his normal physique but gave a loud sigh and fell to the ground as if he as a tree being toppled.

  “Oo.” said Xoovermatic, “I seem to be stuck in a loop of my own creation. Be a sweetie and take the bucket off, won’t you? If I do it there’s a very real possibility I may try and merge with a stone wall or something equally nasty. I wouldn’t fancy a few hundred years being a brick or the like.”

  “Like hell.” said Valerie, picking up the discarded water skin and splashing what little was left in it over Barf’s face. The barbarian gave a weak groan and tried to sit up.

  “Give it a second.” she said, pushing him back down. “Don’t worry. The great God Xoovermatic, destroyer of worlds, raiser of the dead and prince of the elder shadows of the old ones seems to have a bucket stuck on his head.”

  “A bucket?” groaned Barf, “How did that happen?”

  “I used my old double flip and spin from my circus routine. Technically speaking, you play
ed the part of my horse.” From nearby the sound of Humdinger chuckling could now be heard.

  “Giddy up!” laughed the sword, “One lump of sugar or two?”

  “Be quiet!” growled Barf, “Or it will be no sharpening for you for a month.” Instantly the sword fell resolutely silent.

  “Oh I do love a good circus.” said Xoovermatic, the beams of blue light still leaving him incapable of movement. “The bright lights. The smell of greasepaint. I always wanted to be a clown, you know.”

  Valerie winked at Barf who gave her a quizzical look and she stood and walked to the blue man who stood with blue light bouncing around the bucket on his head.

  “You still could.” she almost whispered to him.

  “Don’t be silly.” he said, “I have all this vengeful God stuff to be getting on with. It’s a bore, I will admit, but you know, someone has to do it. Besides. I like the clothes. It can take me decades just to get dressed, you know?”

  “But you can do anything you like.” she teased. “Only if the bucket comes off though, of course.”

  “Yes.” said the blue God hesitantly, “Do you think the circus would have me?”

  “Well it is certainly short of a headlining act.” groaned Barf, finally making it to his feet and retrieving Humdinger from the ground and sheathing it.

  “I don’t see why not.” said Valerie, “Mister Bungo-Hop is a relatively reasonable man if you give him what he wants. Not that I suspect you would have a problem with that, of course. You do seem to have many talents, after all.”

  “Oh, I am so excited.” said the man in the bucket.

  “So, if I take the bucket off you are going to behave yourself?”

  “Oh sweetie, of course I am.” he said, “After all, the circus and stardom awaits!”

  Hesitantly Valerie reached up, and holding her breath took the bucket off Xoovermatic’s head. Blue beams ricocheted around the cavern for a moment and then ceased. The man looked at her and then Barf and smiled, began to fade.

  “The circus caravans are just crossing the mountain ranges of Ketchupia and heading down to the bountiful plains of Clump. If I hurry I can be ready for the next performance.” He blew a kiss at Valerie and then gave Barf a big grin. “Missing you already, big guy.” he said as he continued to fade.

  “Make sure you get rid of the lizards too.” said Barf, “We have to get out of here, remember?”

  “Lizards?”

  “Outside the city.”

  “Oh, them. The dragons, you mean.” Valerie smiled as she saw Barf close his eyes for a second, his lips tightening as he frowned.

  “They are not dragons.” he said.

  “Oh, they so are.”

  “They are not.”

  “They are.”

  “Not.”

  “Are.”

  “Not.”

  A slight, chill wind blew across the cavern and the blue man faded completely from sight.

  “Whatever.” They both heard carried on the breeze, and then they were alone in the cavern.

  ***

  Barf pushed the city gate shut behind him, the plains ahead of them. Behind them the city they both knew was now completely empty of people. They had considered staying for a while to search for plunder, but the city was tainted to them somehow, and they had both agreed that they wanted to leave straight away. “When we were captured by the reds you said you were heading south.” said Barf. Valerie nodded. “You never said that before.”

  “It was the general direction I was headed when I first fled the circus.” she said, “I see no reason to change it. Unless of course you plan to attempt to fulfil your plan to return me to Bungo-Hop’s circus for the reward.”

  “Oh I rather suspect that Bungo-Hop has filled his vacancy and has his hands more than a little bit full now.” he said, “I do believe that the lands to the south are rich with coin and jewels ripe for the plucking. I would suggest that two adventurers such as you and I are much better and safer travelling companions than alone.”

  “There is indeed safety in numbers.” she smiled. He nodded in acceptance and they set out walking south at a steady pace.

  “I have always found it so.” he said.

  “Well I cannot disagree.” smiled Valerie, “After all, were it not for your assistance with the deadly Temazepam fruit then I would still be stuck on top of the crag in the forest yonder starving to death and trapped by the dragon there.”

  There was a slight pause as they continued south. Soon they would reach the cacti ahead of them and she knew that they would eat their full of the flesh and drink the juice contained therein, for it had been several days since they had both had any meaningful sustenance at all.

  “It wasn’t a dragon.” said Barf wistfully.

  “Was.” she smiled.

  “It was not.” he said.

  “Was.”

  “Was not.”

  Slowly their voices fade from the inside of the crimson city that sits brooding in the centre of the plain, and the dust blows about the empty streets as it watches then go, and as the horizon takes them the empty streets are silent once more.

  THE END

  THE ADVENTURES OF

  BARF THE BARBARIAN WILL CONCLUDE IN

  “THE HOUR OF THE DRAGON”