Beauty and the Dark

by Georgia Le Carre

  Breathing hard, I watch her run like the devil himself is after her. She wrenches open the entrance door and disappears into the building. There’s a tightness in my chest. I reach forward and pull the passenger door shut. Then my foot slams on the accelerator pad and I speed away.

  She’ll be mine come hell or high water.

  Fifteen

  Sofia

  You can tell everything from a kiss and Jack Irish’s kiss broke me in two. His body told me what his mouth wouldn’t. He wants me with the kind of desperation I have never seen in a man. I tasted from the fountain of his need. And his need was vast. Like he wants to lose himself in me. I know I have to stay away from him.

  I smile at the guard and walk quickly to the lift. Inside the lift I take deep, calming breaths and try to stop my body from trembling. When I get to the apartment it is silent. The nanny and Irina have still not arrived.

  “Is that you, Sofia,” Lena shouts from her bathroom.

  I clear my throat. “Yeah, it’s me,” I reply.

  “Come and tell me what happened then?”

  I go into her bathroom and perch at the corner of her bath. She is leaning her head back and the room is full of fragrant scents. For a few seconds the steam prevents her from seeing my expression. When she does see it she sits up.

  “He kissed you,” she says in shock.

  “Yes,” I whisper, touching my swollen mouth.

  She looks at me carefully. “Are you all right?”

  The question confuses me. “Yes, I think so.”

  She stands, and with water and soap suds dripping off her beautiful body, she comes to where I am sitting and kneels in front of me. “It’s okay to be frightened,” she whispers.

  My throat closes over so I can’t even speak. I just nod as tears begin to run down my face.

  Her wet hand reaches out and smears my cheeks. I catch her hand. “I am very frightened.” My voice is low and hoarse.

  “I know. But I’m here and I’ll never let anything bad happen to you.”

  “He doesn’t know about me. About the past.”

  “Of course not, but you’ll take it step by step.”

  “He wanted us to go out so I told him I was mentally unstable today.”

  Her head jerks back. “Why on earth did you tell him that? I’m more mentally unstable than you.”

  “That’s not true, Lena. Sometimes I feel as if I’m skating on the very brink of an abyss. One wrong move and I could fall in.”

  She stares at me, horrified. “That’s not true.”

  “It’s true. You and Guy do everything for me. I don’t know what I’d be if I had to live alone.”

  “Well, you will eventually. Step by step. Actually, I was going to suggest that sometimes you can stay here in the apartment alone. I’ll go back with Guy, and you can go out with Fiona, or one of the other girls at the center for a drink or a meal in the evening. In the morning you can do some shopping before you come back home.” She smiles hopefully. “Would you like that?”

  I nod.

  “Good. Now, what did Jack say when you told him you’re mentally unstable?”

  “He said he didn’t care.”

  Her eyes flash with promise. “I like Jack. He’s a good guy.”

  “Yeah, but even good guys don’t want a prostitute for a girlfri-.”

  Lena slaps her hand on my mouth so suddenly it makes my body jerk backwards. She looks at me with fierce eyes. “Don’t even let me hear you say that again. What happened to you was not your fault. You were just a child. You didn’t choose that life. What happened to you could have just as easily happened to me.”

  I speak through the hand clamped on my mouth. “But it didn’t happen to you. It happened to me.” My voice breaks on me.

  Lena wraps her arms around me and hugs me tightly. “Oh, Sofia, Sofia. I’m soooo sorry. What I wouldn’t do to take your pain away,” she cries.

  While we are wrapped around each other it occurs to me that I am hurting her. The person I love most in the world. I’m the older sister. It is me who should be taking care of her. I lift my hand and gently stroke her hair. “I have forgotten most of it now,’ I lie. ‘Soon it will all be gone.”

  My sister starts sobbing. “You were always an angel. Always. Of all of us you were always the kindest and most gentle.”

  “Don’t cry, Lena. It’ll be fine.”

  She leans away from me and looks into my eyes. “You’re still young. You’ve got to grab life with both hands. The cake, the shoes, the man.”

  I smile through my tears.

  “You have to believe me that your past won’t matter a damn to the man who loves you.”

  I think of the brand on my back and know that it will matter. Valdislav’s greatest sexual turn-on was to watch videos of other men fucking me while he rammed into me from the back. He let his eyes alternate between the TV screen and the sight of his name burnt into my back. But what other man is going to want to see Valdislav’s mark on his girlfriend’s back while he’s having sex with her?

  “Did you hear what I said?” Lena asks.

  “Maybe it’s because he’s moving too fast.” Feeling disloyal to Jack and confused, I cover my face with my hands. “It’s not just him. I lose my head when I’m with him too. I think I need more time to process how I am feeling.”

  “Then take more time. There’s no rush. It’s not a race.”

  I nod.

  “You take as much time as you want, okay?”

  I nod again. No need to trouble her with my worries.

  Sixteen

  Sofia

  The week crawls by at a snail’s pace. I fall deeper and deeper in love with my Mika and enjoy watching her grow right before my eyes, but I no longer appreciate my solitude. Every second that I spend alone is full of thoughts of Jack. I replay the kiss a million times in my head. Each time I find myself craving for more.

  By the time Thursday comes around I am a total wreck. I put my hair in a French braid and wear my good cream sweater. Lena says it suits me and I have to agree with her. I even wear some mascara and slick on some pink lip gloss.

  Lena squeezes my hand. “One step at a time.”

  We arrive at Kids Rule and Lena goes to her Fashion class, but I don’t attend. Instead, I join Lana in the office for carrot cake and tea. I really like Lana. She is kind-hearted.

  We sit together eating cake, sipping tea and stapling leaflets that will be handed out in the new branch of Kids Rule in Manchester.

  “My sister tells me you grew up on this very Council estate,” I say.

  Lana gathers two pieces of paper together, staples them, and grins at me. “Yup, but not just me. Jack too.”

  I raise my eyebrows, surprised and immediately intrigued to find out more about Jack’s past. “Really?”

  “Yeah. We grew up together.” The stapler runs out of staples so she opens a drawer and takes a box out. “My father abandoned my mother when I was very young and Jack kind of took over the job of protecting me, even though he is only a bit older than me.”

  How lucky she is. First she grows up with Jack protecting her, then she marries a billionaire who worships the ground she walks on. I should have felt envy, but I find that it is impossible to be truly resentful of her. She is so open and warm and kind.

  “So you must know him really well,” I say softly, my hand playing with a crumb of carrot cake on my plate.

  Her forehead furrows as she thinks about my statement. “I don’t know, Sofia. I’m not sure anyone really knows Jack. He's very deep. I’ve known him almost all my life, but I don’t think I know the real him.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “For most of my childhood I just knew him as loyal, kind, and protective. He was my rock, but one night he showed a side of him that totally shocked me.”

  I lean forward curiously. “What was it?”

  “My best friend, Billie, me and him had gone to a nightclub and some really rough looking guys wanted to dance wi
th me. I wasn’t rude to them or anything, but I refused their offer. They moved away and I thought that was that, but later when we got out of the club, they were waiting for us. They circled us. One of them had a knife. Jack smiled at me and asked me to walk out of the circle and they closed in on him.”

  The old memory still has the ability to make her shiver.

  “That was the first time Jack shocked me. I couldn’t recognize him. It was like watching a total stranger. I can still see him now. Shirtless, turning on himself, and snarling like some kind of feral animal, “Come on then. Who’s first?”

  “I was terrified. You can’t imagine how horrible it was. It wasn’t like in the movies where the bad guys attack one by one so the hero has a chance to show his fighting skills. They advanced in a group, but Jack was lightning fast. He kicked the one with the knife first. Right in the throat. Before the guy could sink to the ground he had already punched the next one on the nose. Blood sprayed out of him. It happened very fast after that. All I really remember was two more guys dropping like stones. The last one was a coward. He ran away.”

  “Wow.”

  “Yeah, he’s something else,” she murmurs.

  “You said that was the first time he surprised you. What was the second time?”

  Her eyes become suddenly veiled. Maybe even a little sad. She makes a big production of looking at her watch. “Oh dear. Is that the time? I should be going. I have a hair appointment in less than thirty minutes. Do you mind if we continue another next time?”

  “Of course not.”

  She picks up her tote bag. “Don’t bother to do any more leaflets, Sofia. Fiona will finish them later.”

  “No, it’s okay. I don’t have anything else to do until my class starts anyway.”

  She smiles. “All right then. Thanks, Sofia. See you later,” she calls as she leaves the room.

  While I finish stapling the rest of the leaflets, I speculate obsessively about what the second thing she was referring to might have been. My mind’s still on it even as I go to my classroom to prepare for my class. I open the door and all thoughts of what Lana might have been about to say disappears. Lori is waiting for me! The sight of her anxious face and unruly curls makes my heart sing.

  “Hi,” I say, grinning happily at her.

  “Hello,” she says shyly.

  “Have you come to join my singing class?”

  She nods.

  I know I must look foolish, but I just can’t stop grinning. “Fantastic. So you like singing?”

  “Only in my room.”

  I laugh. “I do my best singing in the shower.”

  She smiles.

  At that moment one of my other students comes in and immediately Lori’s face changes. She stops smiling and drops her head. For the rest of the class she does not speak a word to anyone, and when the class is over she smiles at me quickly, and slips out of the room.

  Seventeen

  Sofia

  When I come out to the foyer I see Lena talking to Jack and my stomach does a somersault. I straighten my shoulders and walk towards them.

  My sister smiles and Jack gives me a head-to-toe look. His look makes me flush all over.

  “Hello, Sofia,” he says, his voice not full of desire like the last time we were together, but purely friendly.

  “Lori came to my class,” I blurt out.

  “There you go. She couldn’t keep away from you,” he says with a twinkle in his eyes.

  Kids from different classes and activities start pouring out of the corridor. They greet us casually by name and I experience the thrill of belonging. For the first time in my life I feel like a normal person. I’m not hiding in the castle, or being one of the whores in Valdislav’s stable.

  As they make their noisy exit through the front door, an awkward moment descends on our little group.

  “Why don’t you join us for dinner?” Lena suggests into the silence.

  Jack glances at his watch. “Where’re you guys going to?”

  “Well, we were going to Sugar. My husband’s running late so he will meet us there in about two hours,” she says.

  Jack looks sideways at me, his eyes veiled. “Sure,” he agrees.

  So we go off to Sugar and it is the strangest dinner I have ever had. The dynamics are weird. I don’t taste a thing. My sister grills Jack unsuccessfully. Then Guy comes, and he is surprisingly cold towards Jack. And Jack? He just sits there, leaning back. Cool and totally unaffected by it all.

  After dessert I excuse myself and go to the Ladies. In the mirror I see a woman who looks like a cornered rat. I try to remember Lena’s saying. “Life is short. You have to grab it with both hands. Cake, shoes, and the man you want.” The wind has loosened wisps of my hair. I pull them all back into my braid and go back out.

  In the corridor I see Jack approaching. I stop and look behind me nervously. There is no one else around. He comes right up to me and stops in front of me. I retreat and he takes a step forward. I turn and press myself against the wall to let him pass and he cages me against it. His broad, muscular body completely blocks me off from sight, making me feel small and feminine. Brooding power and strength come off him in waves, but it doesn’t fill me with fear.

  It makes me want him more.

  I want to climb him.

  The only thing I fear is my own uncontrollable desire. I look up at him and our eyes lock. His are so dilated they are almost black. Images of our last encounter flood my mind. The sexual tension swirls like thick smoke around us. I feel a bolt of sensation flow through my body. It’s desire. More than I ever thought possible. This man makes me feel things I have never felt before. The kind of passion I thought only existed in books.

  He leans in until there is not even an inch between our faces. I can see a small white scar just under his right eyebrow. His breath fans my forehead. I should tell him that he needs to slow down. Take it easier, but I can hardly speak with the heat inside me.

  “You look delectable tonight,” he whispers, his sexy-as-hell mouth twisting.

  “Thank you,” I choke.

  “Do you know you’re fucking driving me crazy?”

  My chest rises and falls rapidly. I lick my dry lips and he takes a deep breath and rests his forehead on mine.

  “I want to see you with swollen lips after a whole night of kissing.”

  I gasp, a thrill of excitement flushing through my veins. “You shouldn’t …”

  “No, I fucking shouldn’t …” he mutters to himself.

  I swallow hard. “You’re going too fast.”

  “Am I?” he growls.

  His breath is warm and makes my whole body tingle. I want him so bad I can taste the need on my tongue. “Yes. We hardly know each other.”

  His eyes flicker. “I know everything I need to know about you.”

  His words are like a fast moving undercurrent that could pull me under.

  “Sofia,” a harsh voice calls.

  The sensation that there is nobody else in the world but us shatters suddenly. I nearly jump out of my skin, but Jack doesn’t turn immediately. He takes his time before turning to face the voice.

  Guy’s face is stern, his jaw clamped tight. I have never seen such an expression on his face. From the first day he found me he has always been gentle and kind with me. Completely ignoring Jack, he addresses me instead. “Your sister wants you.”

  With my face flaming, I straighten away from the wall and walk stiffly towards Guy. He throws another hard look at Jack before escorting me towards our table.

  “Was he-”

  “No,” I say quickly before he can even finish his question.

  “Are you all right?” he asks, his voice concerned.

  “Yes.” My whole body is still shivering with desire. “I’m fine.”

  He nods, but his forehead is creased with a deep frown.

  When we get back to the table, Lena looks up at me with enquiring eyes. Slipping into my chair I smile tightly and shake my head to ind
icate that everything is all right. She turns to Guy and he looks deep into her eyes and gently rubs his thumb down her cheek. The gesture is so intimate and so full of profound love that I feel my stomach clench with a mixture of envy and longing.

  After a few minutes Jack comes back, but he doesn’t take his seat. He thanks Lena for inviting him and hopes we enjoy our dessert. Unfortunately, he has to leave since he has an early start in the morning, however he has taken care of the bill. I don’t look at him even though I feel his eyes on me a few times.

  “Goodnight, Sofia,” he says, deliberately addressing me.

  “Goodnight, Jack,” I mumble, throwing him a quick glance.

  His face is in shadow from the overhead lights, but his eyes watch me like a hunter. My fingers tighten around the edges of the table as I hurriedly drop my eyes down to my lap.

  Shortly after Jack leaves we get into the car and make our way to the Kensington apartment. Irina is already in bed and her nanny wishes us goodnight before disappearing into her room.

  Lena catches my arm. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks.

  “There’s nothing to talk about,” I say sadly.

  “But he likes you,” she implores.

  I shake my head and run to my room. I can’t talk about Jack to anyone. The sensations in my body are too raw to deal with right now. The truth is I am too cut about it. All this is too deep, too soon.

  That night on my way to the toilet, I pass Guy and Lena’s room and hear their whispering voices. Then I hear Lena crying and I know instantly that they are talking about me. The only thing in Lena’s life that brings tears to her eyes is me and my condition. Guilt pours into my gut. I should have spoken to her when she wanted to. I’ll speak to her now. I lift my hand to knock on their door, but I hear Guy’s crooning voice try to soothe her, and my hand falls uselessly to the side of my body.

  She will be all right. It will be all right.

  Guy will make it all right for her. He always does.

  There is one thing that is clear to me. I am bringing heartache and disharmony to the people I love the most. It is clear I cannot have him. I must face that and find a different way to be. Tomorrow I will tell Lena that I am not interested in Jack.