A Fistful of Honey

by Malena Crawford

  Their hymns and fervent prayers rose from heavy hearts and swelled through the night’s darkness. Tobias, the designated stick-man, pounded an old broom stick against a plank of oak giving rhythm to the melodies. Their shouts were like lightening; their beating dancing feet was the thunder. Brown bodies jolted wildly, dancing until their limbs were exhausted. The ones touched with Spirit screamed and fell to the ground.

  “That’s right! Call on the Lord and sing your praises to Him! The Devil won’t stop our praise tonight!” Roy Lee shouted, sweat dripping from his forehead.

  “Lies! Lies!” Sarah’s shrill voice stabbed through the commotion. Every eye fell on her standing in a pool of moonlight under an old oak tree.

  “You want us to talk to the Lord? Send our praises?” she screamed. “For what Roy? For stealing our children? Well, let me do the talking then.”

  “The Lord’s ways are mysterious, Sarah,” Roy Lee said, the mellowness in his voice deepening her rage.

  Sarah stood with her arms spread out like an eagle and her face skyward.

  “So much pain you have allowed and still allow!” she screamed up to the sky. “And still you sit a dormant God, so cruel while your children suffer. We must be the bastards. We must be the cursed ones you hide away, the ones you never include in your promises. Either you ain’t really God or you just don’t care ‘bout no negro tears.” Here face grew more and more wild, a storm welling in the rims of her eyes.

  All of the women in the congregation turned their sweat glossed faces to Sarah and glared in disbelief of such blatant blasphemy. Granny Pearl’s mouth gaped open in shock. Old Mother closed her eyes, humming quietly to herself, and Alena stood, watching, entranced.

  “I cry to you and you ain’t answered yet, not once in my whole life. I cried through all the sowing, pounding, threshing, and tilling their damned rice all the day long, nursing my chil’ren through the night,” she said as she gestured at her breasts.

  “Only for them to sell them away whenever they damn well please. I cried to you when they stole away my chil’ren. I begged you on my knees to save them. Another one go gone again, then another and another. Finally I realize you’re never coming to save us. You ain’t never coming to answer ! So I tried to cover my heart up with gravel and stone so I don’t feel anything. But I couldn’t,” she said, turning toward Alena. “A mama’s heart never closes. Ain’t designed that way.”

  Sarah was teetering on her feet as if her she were intoxicated with her fury.

  “It was you! You who I prayed to, you who I lifted my hands up in praise to. I’ve been a faithful Christian woman, a good woman! And what for it? You let my baby die!”

  Roy Lee reached for her, trying to offer comfort, but Sarah pushed him away. Her face was twisted with anguish.

  “You let these white men with their silver crosses dangling from their necks ravage my body with their stink and their hatred for me. You let all of this happen in your name. Why will you not release me in death? Let me go!” she pleaded. “You are a cruel, cruel God, that is if you exist at all. You are nothing but cruel and you wonder where are your faithful.” She stopped to point at each of them staring back at her in silence.

  “We’re in bondage, with the noose around our necks! We’re down here trotting in circles, forever in circles of never-ending pain.”

  Old Mother stepped forward and rested her rough palm on Sarah’s back.

  “God is hearing you. He ain’t forgotten you, Sarah. God ain’t forgotten none of us. God sees and hears every grievin’ mother, and every cryin’ father that cain’t do nothin’ when another child of His is sold away, or when the buckra get a hankerin’ for his wife. God blesses every child even if they born with shackles on they feet and a muzzle at they mouth no matter how it seem. He sees your heart. He knows you. Look at your skin,” she said, drawing Sarah closer to her. “All a y’all, look at that purdy brown skin you got. We Spirit People. We Heart People. We God’s people.” The churchgoers clapped and stomped their feet in agreement.

  “Well, He sure has a way of showing it don’t He, Old Mother?” Sarah spat, her wild eyes dilating into huge black orbs. “I got no more spirit left in me. It was eaten all away while I was busy waiting on the Good Lord. These white demons won’t take anything more from me. My life won’t be bitter a day longer.”

  She turned calmly to her husband’s achingly mild face. “Roy Lee, would you have ‘em bury me with my fists full of honey? So when my spirit goes over yonder, my life’ll be sweet next time. Forgive me. I’m dying free.”

  Without warning Sarah drew a stolen blade from a small pocket in her petticoat and trained its edge against her throat, slitting it.

  ***

  “Alena! Alena? Are you okay?”

  Michael was shaking her. “What is wrong with you?”

  Alena gulped frantic mouthfuls of air. Her eyes were wild. She caught her breath and blinked as she looked around her apartment.

  “You’ve been in la-la land for at least five minutes now, staring off into space like a zombie. I was about to call someone!”

  She knitted her brows in confusion. “Minutes? But I’ve been gone for days.”

  “What? Alena, did you take something?”

  Gradually her consciousness began registering all that had happened and she remembered all of the horrors she had seen. She fell weak into Michael’s arms and unleashed a deep, ancient cry. Her soul ached.

  “What? Alena, what is it? Tell me! What were you thinking about? Is this about Maya? Talk to me, Leen!” Michael pleaded.

  “I can’t. I have to go. I’ll be okay Mike, don’t call anyone. I’ll be back soon.”

  Michael watched her go, worry etched across his face.

  THIRTEEN

  Alena left her apartment and walked to Gloria’s. She found her waiting, ready with a cup of jasmine tea.

  When Alena’s sobbing tapered off and she finally felt calm enough to speak clearly, Gloria listened patiently.

  “It was awful, Gloria. Just…awful. The painting or the Beings of Light, whoever, took me to a slavery plantation! I was a slave! They treated us like animals, it was disgusting.”

  “Yes, those times were certainly horrific. The vile acts they inflicted on our people and the inhumanity that whites, especially those slave masters, showed us were heinous. The cruelty they endured.” Gloria shook her head, “almost unimaginable. But, as hard as it was, Alena, and as preposterous as this sounds, what you witnessed today was necessary. As I said, this path will not be easy.”

  “Necessary? I watched a woman kill herself! She had all of her babies taken away and then in front of all of us, she just…she just.” Alena buried her face in her hands. “It was horrible, worse than I had ever imagined slavery to be. And I was whipped! They worked me half to death and whipped me! What is the point of all of this? Is it to traumatize me? Well they succeeded. I just don’t see why I needed to go through all of that.”

  Gloria sighed and took a sip of her tea.

  “Alena, the time has come when you will need to sharpen your own sword. All that you need to know is already within you. Anything further, you are here to learn. You must trust the Divine Plan, honey, and the order of your initiation. You must trust the Divine who has sent you. Remember, this is your destiny.”

  “What happened to you assisting me?”

  Gloria smiled and patted Alena’s hand.

  “I still am. And I can tell you that all is well. You’re much stronger than you know, Alena. And no, you won’t be traumatized. Your soul knows much better this time. Initiation is a crisis that shatters the ego and the reality you have clung to. This is the beginning of your journey into mastery. Honor all of those that gave their lives for the Divine Plan not with your sorrow, but with your joy and freedom. Turn those beloved ancestor’s anguish into victory. Let what you’ve seen and what you’ve heard help you to steel your way through.”

  “Okay. I have another question though, and this one I need you to answer fo
r real.”

  Gloria studied her, sipping quietly from her teacup.

  “Am I just going to be snatched up into wherever and whatever? I mean, can I control this thing, or do I need to get rid of that painting when it isn’t, you know, a good time? I was with a friend when this happened, and he’s over there waiting in my apartment pretty spooked.”

  “No, there’s no controlling it, Alena. But, as you hone your power and connect with the Queendom of your heart, you will easily break through the fragility of reality. You’ll soon be more aware and deliberate when you bridge in and out of these dimensions, and you’ll no longer need a wormhole.”

  “A wormhole?”

  “The painting. It’s a doorway between this world and all of the sacred realms, the dimensions of the spirit world. It’s actually just like us, the Bridgers, in the way that we hold transformational codes from other dimensions and bring them into this one. I know it’s difficult, but trust in me, you’re finding your footing quite well, Alena. You are a natural Bridger. You’ll find out soon enough.”

  Back at her apartment, Alena opened the door to find Michael on the sofa with a worried look on his face.

  “Alena, what’s going on here? Are you all right?”

  She sighed deeply and opened her mouth to tell him everything, but decided to swallow her words.

  “I’m okay, Mike. Really, I’m fine. I just… had a little flashback. Some memories, bad ones.” She gave him a reassuring smile that he immediately saw through.

  “A flashback of what? Be straight up, Leen. You go catatonic on me then bust out in tears and leave the apartment. What aren’t you telling me? What made you so upset?”

  “All right.” She said resignedly. “Remember when I told you that I was starting to see these… shadowy things?”

  “Yeah,” Michael said raising a skeptical brow.

  “You see? You didn’t believe me then and you won’t believe me now. Nevermind, Mike. Shouldn’t you be getting ready for work?”

  “Alena, I’m listening. Just tell me.”

  “Look, I’m not crazy and it’s not the stress. This is real, and I need you to take me seriously, okay?”

  Michael nodded.

  “I told you that I’ve been seeing things. Well, there’s more. Much more is happening and it’s as amazing as it is terrifying. What I experienced today was something like a vision, but it wasn’t, it was real. I went to another time and space.”

  “Alena, tell me. Please.” His eyes finally looked sincere and ready, so she did. She then told Michael about Mary, the painting, the Shetani, and her initiation.

  “Wow,” he said when she finished.

  “Wow? What does that mean? Do you think I’m nuts?”

  “Of course not. I believe you. It’s incredible, no doubt. But I’m with you. So what’s next? What do these Beings of Light want from you?”

  “That’s what I don’t know exactly. I just follow, and listen, and try to piece all of this together as it happens.”

  Michael walked over to the Black Madonna painting.

  “All from here, huh?” he said, his eyes gliding curiously over the canvas.

  “Yep. This is where the magic has been happening, although Gloria told me that soon I’ll be able to tap in without it.”

  “So you could like at any moment get sucked into that thing and into say, Mars or the fifties?”

  “I’m pretty sure my body stays here in this world. But yes, the painting takes me wherever and whenever they decide I need to go to get the lessons, my keys to the seven powers.”

  “They’re not going to hurt you are they?”

  “No. They’re trying to help me. The ones who do want to hurt me are these shadows I keep seeing. I don’t know why or when they’ll attack me. Gloria said that they killed her husband. I’m going through this whole initiation thing to defeat them, for everyone.”

  “Well,” he started, clearing his throat and scratching the stubble on his chin. “I’ll be straight up with you. This is blowing my mind a little bit, Leen. I’m kind of at a loss for words here. I’ve never heard or seen anything like this in my life.” He took a deep breath. “But I support you, you know that.”

  “I know. You always do,” she said with a warm grin.

  Michael looked at Alena as if seeing her for the first time. He eyed her silently for a long moment, searching her eyes and marveling at her beautiful brown face.

  “What, why are you looking at me like that?”

  “You’re amazing, you know that?”

  “Thanks, Mike. You’re making me blush.”

  He shook his head dreamily.

  “No really, Alena, I’ve always loved you. I never stopped.”

  Alena’s heart raced and she swallowed hard, listening intently.

  “When you called me after all that time, I was relieved. We went our separate ways, lived our separate lives and went on to love other people. I thought I lost you, you know, to life. I thought you’d be with that Gabe dude forever and I definitely thought I’d be with Lola forever. But when I saw you, at your apartment, I thought to myself life made a way, man. You can be with her again, even if it’s just to be her friend. And just like that, here we are. Again.”

  Suddenly their desire for each other surged up, and their passion took them by surprise. He held the nape of her neck and pulled her into him for a deep, long-awaited kiss. He loved the taste and smell of her. Alena braced against the sofa as he undressed her, and then himself. Michael’s naked body was even more glorious then she had imagined when she allowed her mind to go there. The sight of his thick erection and chiseled body made her throb with anticipation. So much that it almost hurt. Every single muscle was well defined under his smooth, warm skin. His stomach contracted with pleasure as she gently slid her tongue over the taut ripples.

  He trailed his lips from her mouth to her throat, and over her nipples, darting his tongue in circles around them and sucking gently until she soaked the couch cushion under her. He ventured further down the curves of her quivering body, sending a shock of pleasure through her as his warm tongue swept between her thighs. Michael lifted her from the sofa and carried her straddled around his waist to her bedroom, flinging her onto the bed, where he took her right then and there. Alena wrapped her sleek, satin legs around him, digging her fingers into his broad shoulders as he moved between them. She opened her entire being to him, allowing him to penetrate past her body and into the sweet and sacred space that had curled itself so deeply and tightly inside her like a rosebud waiting to bloom.

  Michael healed and pleased her with every powerful thrust and every soft moan until she could take no more, reaching a height she never did with her Gabriel. After a wave of delicious shivers, their bodies sagged with blissful relief. She lay in complete surrender in his once forbidden arms. He stroked her hair and caught his breath, gearing up for a second round. When their passions were fed and their minds settled back into reality, a nagging fear eclipsed Alena’s euphoria.

  “I love you too, Mike. Damn!” she whispered. “I can’t believe we finally did it after all these years. I just made love to my best friend.”

  “Who said it was over?” He grinned mischievously, closing his hand over the curve of her behind. Alena pulled the sheets over her naked breasts.

  “I’m being serious, Mike. Everything is different now, right? Where does this leave us? What are we doing here?”

  Michael raised his finger to Alena’s lips and planted a soft kiss on the top of her forehead. “I told you, you worry too much. Relax. Let yourself just feel good for once.” He pulled her close to him and gently stroked her back.

  “Hey, what happened to your back? Feels like you have a long welt here,” Michael asked.

  “What?” Alena scrambled from the bed and flipped on the light switch. Standing in the full-length mirror, she craned her neck and traced her fingers over raised skin. There it was, a scar left behind from the overseer’s bullwhip. She wheeled around.

&
nbsp; “My God! It was real, Mike. I told you, it was real!” She paused in front of the mirror silently for a few moments.

  “I keep thinking of them and seeing her face, that woman who killed herself. Sarah. Those eyes. I knew I knew those eyes, they were just like mine. They’re in the faces of so many black women I see here. We’ve lost something that we can’t remember anymore. Our eyes are beginning to stop even searching this world for beauty, for joy, for signs of real love. Just like mine, Sarah’s eyes were longing so bad for what was hers. She was telling me something with them, all of those women were telling me something. I feel like they’re telling me, ‘no more pain, take the hope we held onto and do something real with it, you go on and live for us. You are free.’ I understand it now. She took the night so that I could have the day, so that I could have the honey.”

  Alena’s face held a far-off look and she seemed to have forgotten that Michael was even in the room.

  “I’m fighting because she couldn’t but now I can. I can create a completely new world. I have the power now. I can say yes or no to life. I have a choice. We all do. We’ve just forgotten. They’re telling me to go back for what I thought I lost. It’s still there. It’s always there because, truly, nothing is ever lost in spirit. There are no more shackles, no more Massa Johns.”

  The next morning would put Alena to the test.

  ***

  “Mom, I miss you so much! When are you coming to pick me up?” Maya squealed through the phone. She sounded as if she was on the verge of crying. Alena yearned so badly to be with Maya, that she felt as if she could easily kill Gabriel with her bare hands for his arrogant cruelty. How could he not see that in hurting her, he was also wounding his daughter?

  Ask your father why. Ask him why he stole you and used his connections to keep you out of my arms, is what she wanted to say. She was so sick and tired of being the diplomatic one who had to hold her tongue, the only one who thought of Maya’s feelings and tried to protect her. She was tired of being afraid of the fight.