A Fistful of Honey

by Malena Crawford

  SEVENTEEN

  Alena pulled her coat closed against the crisp October air. Though she still felt the emptiness and hurt of not having Maya with her, life felt new. As Oshun promised, fresh joy had sprung alive in her and her radiance was captivating. She had taken to a morning ritual of dancing until she was breathless and drenched with sweat. She loved the feel of her body undulating and gyrating in its sultry aliveness. That morning she savored every moment of preparing for her first day at the new firm. She slathered herself in gardenia and jasmine oils. She slid on a curve hugging burgundy satin sheath dress with a tailored charcoal blazer and painted her lips bright cherry red. Her natural curls were worn loose in a neat ponytail. All of her senses had become heightened. Alena had never felt so feminine and sensual and walked with a welcoming smile as she hurried to the train.

  “Hey slow up, Rich Girl,” Tacky called from behind her, drawing on a fresh cigarette.

  “Hey, Tacky. I’m kind of in a rush. How are you and BJ?”

  “We good, girl. Sorry I ain’t come by,” she said, her eyes down. “I thought you was mad at me, you know, for what Bengy done to you.”

  “I was never angry with you. It wasn’t your fault. I was a little disappointed you didn’t come to see about me, though. But we’re cool now.”

  “Cool. You know, you real decent. That shit should have never went down on you like that. I’m mad sick about it. They got ‘em though. The cops nabbed that crazy nigga.”

  “I know, the investigator called me. So how are you managing now that he’s gone? You okay?”

  “Like I said, we good.” Alena saw that Takeah’s sadness was still there. “A little bit of money ain’t enough to get slapped up all the time anyway, right? Plus I found out he got at least four other chicks out here with babies for him. He wasn’t shit of a father to BJ no way. Anyway, what about you? I hardly see your baby girl no more. Where she at?”

  “It’s complicated, Tacky,” she said, feeling her longing tug at her. “She’ll be back soon enough. Look, I’m glad to see you’re doing well. I’ll catch up with you later.” And with that Alena hurried to the train station and off to her new job.

  “Allison Casowitz. Welcome,” the chubby middle-aged white woman said with a tight smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes. She wore black-rimmed spectacles with long pearl chains against her ivory skin and a shapeless matronly dress. She started Alena off with a tour of the office.

  “Coffee’s in the break room along with an almost endless supply of donuts thanks to Heidi. Her husband owns a bakery. So this is your new home at Lesser and Piesel,” she said showing Alena to her cubicle. “Things move pretty fast around here but I heard you’re a quick learner with a good track record,” she said, raising her penciled eyebrows. We’ll start you off with the Cayuga Wetlands briefs. We have our staff meetings every Thursday in the atrium, so I suggest you get caught up with them by then, all right?”

  “Thanks, I’ll definitely be ready,” Alena assured with a polite smile.

  “Great,” Allison said, giving another weak, nicotine stained smile as she walked away.

  Alena exhaled with relief and flipped open one of the briefs. The weight of the bulky document in her hands filled her with gratitude. She had work, she had hope, and she was coming back to life. The thought of all of the new possibilities that could turn her dreams into reality made her smile.

  She chided herself. But strangely, even back at her desk she couldn’t get Michael’s face out of her mind.

  ***

  “How’re we doing? Ready for the meeting?”

  Allison’s voice broke her out of her thoughts as she poked her head into the cubicle. Her spectacles now hung at her bosom like a lanyard.

  Alena looked up from the thick brief. “Yes, ma’am,” Alena answered confidently. “I’ve just finished up my notes and I’ll make sure Heidi has a copy for everyone.”

  When Allison smiled and left her cubicle, it occurred to Alena that she really did feel confident, like she was in control. It was something she hadn’t felt in a long time. Everything was going to be okay. She knew it, she just didn’t quite know why. So she decided to take everything one day at time, one moment at a time.

  ***

  At home, Alena was ever vigilant in clearing any lingering darkness still slithering through her veins, waiting to pounce in her solitude and pull at the roots of her insecurities. When despair crept up like climbing ivy over her thoughts, she refocused on what thrilled her heart: she would be seeing her girl soon and was going to make the very best of their visit. And she now had the money to treat her to a fun day out, and could buy herself fresh cut lilies on her way home from work. She also looked forward to her talks and tea with Gloria, and there was the stirring of love again. Finally, love for herself.

  At night as she lay in bed, she told herself that what she felt was not loneliness, she decided that she was in stillness. She was on an extended journey of stillness with God and all of the beings of light. How blessed she was! Alena was so grateful that she could finally feel her joy and that she could laugh without guilt. She taught herself to breathe again, deeply and often. Breath, Gloria had told her, was the language of intention, the way to get back to the deepest and highest part of her where she could find all the answers. For most of her life she had been holding her breath, resisting life. It was her resistance to life and all that it had to offer that had ripped her spirit to shreds. It was the judgment she held against it, of how it should be different, that held her prisoner. Alena decided to flow like Yeye Oshun’s river and press forward into the new waters before her.

  EIGHTEEN

  Alena still had her hand on the doorknob to leave when her cell phone rang in her purse. It was a number she didn’t recognize. She swallowed down the last of her breakfast and answered.

  “Hello may I speak to Alena Ford please?”

  “This is she.”

  “Mrs. Ford this is Samantha Harper from the Custody Crisis Project, how are you? I’m calling to inform you that your application for assistance has been selected.”

  “My application? Can you please refresh my memory ma’am?”

  “Yes, of course. CCP is an organization that grants aid to low income mothers in a custody or visitation crisis due to lack of financial resources. You submitted an application on... let’s see....August 21st. Are you no longer in need, Mrs. Ford?

  “I am. I am! Oh, my God, thank you for the news, Ms. Harper!

  “Oh you’re quite welcome, congratulations! You will be receiving a grant for your legal expenses up to but not exceeding twenty-five thousand dollars. CCP requests that you select one of our attorneys. They’re some of the best. We’ll be in touch within the week for your intake interview. Have a great day, Ms. Ford. Goodbye.” Alena hung up, then wiped tears of gratitude from her eyes and danced like she had won the lottery.

  She tried to scurry off so she wouldn’t be late but her phone rang again, this time it was Michael. “Hey Mike,” she answered cheerfully.

  “Hi, Leen. How are you? I wanted to reach out to make sure you’re all right.”

  “I’m doing okay, thanks for checking on me. Taking it a day at a time, you know. I had my visitation with Maya again and it was so good to be with her.”

  “That’s great. Enjoy her and keep your hope up. It’s going to get better from here.”

  “Yeah, I’m finally starting to believe that.”

  “Well you sound really good. I’m happy for you, Alena. Look, I know you’re probably busy, so I’ll make this quick. I want to say something to you. I wanted to say this earlier but when you told me about your dad I knew it would have to wait for a while. I still want to tread lightly, but can I be honest with you?”

  “Go ahead, Mike. I can take it.”

  “I get that you needed your space to process but shutting me out like that? After all I’ve been through with you, it really got to me. I’m not going to lie, it hurt. “

  Alena sighed.

&n
bsp; “Mike, I told you, I have to fight my battle by myself now. I had to let you go. I don’t know how else to explain it. Look, I can tell that you’ve really got to get some things off your chest about whatever that was between us, and so do I. I would love to hear everything you have to say but now is just not a good time. I’m in a rush to get to work. Besides, I think this is definitely a talk that we need to have face to face. We should meet later. Can we continue this conversation over a drink or something? Why don’t we go to Arrindale’s? My co-workers rave about the place.

  “Sure, Leen. I can do that.”

  “Can you meet me in the city after work, say about six? I won’t keep you out long, I promise.”

  “You got it. “

  “Arrindale’s at six then, I look forward to seeing you, Mike. Thanks again for checking on me.”

  ***

  At a quarter to six Alena was sure to be seated at a table where she could see Michael the moment he walked in. She scanned the restaurant anxiously as she waited for him. While it was packed with droves of well-heeled midtowners, it was still cozy with an antiqued ambiance. Tiffany era pedant lamps hung from the ceilings. The walls were lined with seemingly hundreds of photos flaunting the many celebrities who frequented it. It seemed like every A-lister had eaten there at some point. Alena was smoothing her palms over the linen table cloth when she spotted Michael finally emerge through the doors. He sauntered over with a grateful smile and hugged her tightly before taking a seat across from her at the table.

  “It’s good to see you again.” Alena said, keeping her composure mild yet sweet.

  “It’s good to see you, too, Leen.” His smile spread even wider.

  “You look well, Leen, happier.” He sensed a confidence and self-possession that wasn’t there before. It was magnetizing. He resisted the sudden urge to reach out and stroke her face. “I’m glad to see you like this, I haven’t stopped worrying about you since that day.”

  “Thank you, so do you. Look happy, I mean. Well, things are looking up. I’m finally getting to spend time with my daughter again, I’m working. You were right, slowly but surely things are changing.” She picked up the menu. “Well I’m starving. I think I’ll go with their caprese salad and some wine. What are you having? It’s my treat by the way.”

  “Woman, please, you know I’m not going to let you pay.”

  “Mike, I’m gainfully employed now. Let me repay at least some of your kindness.”“Well thanks Leen, but I’m not very hungry. And I can’t drink either, I’ve got a client at eight.”

  Alena looked at him with her lips pursed and her head tilted.

  “What? Why do I get the stink face?” he smiled. “Okay maybe a snack. He grabbed the menu and dragged his finger down the offerings quickly. “I’ll have a Coke and some of these sweet potato fries.”

  “Sweet potato fries, eh? Even your junk foods are tame now.” She gave him a flirty smile.

  “Alrighty then. Well, before we get to the reason we’re here, I’ve got a question for you.” Alena said. “So by some incredible miracle someone put in an application for me to this low income mothers grant for legal aid. It’s called the Custody Crisis Project. And well…I got it! You had something to do with this didn’t you?” she asked, smiling coyly.

  “I would love to take credit, Leen but no, I had no idea such a grant even existed. Congratulations though! So this means you’ve got an attorney then?”

  Alena shook her head. “That’s so strange. If it wasn’t you then…anyway. Yes, I’m all lawyered up now. Well let’s get down to the reason we’re here then.” She smiled again. “What do you want to tell me?”

  Michael cleared his throat and paused for a few moments.

  “Okay, well I’ll just put it out there. I’m going to be real with you, Leen. Part of your problem is that everyone is disposable to you. You feel some pain and you throw everything away. You’re so busy trying not to get hurt that except for Maya everyone is expendable to you. Aren’t you tired, Alena? Aren’t you tired of being so lonely and isolated? No, I’ve got a better question for you. Other than Maya, have you ever really loved anyone? Have you ever opened yourself all the way and loved somebody for real? If your soul mate was staring you in the face, could you even recognize him?” Alena raised an incredulous eyebrow.

  “Really? How dare you! You’re the one who came over to my apartment shacking up with me like you were ready to go all the way. Like you were ready for something real between us, Mike. You didn’t even tell me your heart wasn’t in it, that it was just passion.”

  Alena’s voice was rising and the patrons seated at the next table had begun to slide glances over at them. Michael gestured toward them with a look and she took notice. She calmed herself and lowered her voice to a fierce whisper.

  “Just where do you get off telling me that I shut you out? I let you in. You of all people should know how hard that was for me and like everyone else, I trusted you and what did you do with it? You made a different choice, and I made one for myself.” Alena’s voice was ripe with indignation.

  Mike looked down at the table, then he slowly brought his eyes up to meet Alena’s.

  “I… I don’t know what else to say to that except you’re right and I’m sorry. I was wrong about a lot of things. Alena, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t, not then. My heart was still with my wife and the family we made, but things have changed. I get it, coming on so strong while both of us were so vulnerable wasn’t the smartest thing to do. I should have known better. But, Leen, what we shared together, that was real. It was much more than the sex.”

  Michael took Alena’s hand and cupped it in his.

  “ Everything I said to you is still true. I love you, Alena. I have loved you for all of these years and I am so grateful that I was the one you called on…” his voice trailed off. “All I’m trying to say is that I know you’ve gone through hell, Leen, but you have to give someone a chance to stand with you. You have to trust someone. Open up to love. People aren’t perfect, Alena. You aren’t perfect and neither am I. You’ve got to learn to love the light with the shadow. I’m not a perfect man, not even close, but I wanted to be there for you.”

  “Mike, believe me, I receive everything that you’re saying to me. Thank you for being so open and brave with me. And yes, I am tired of being lonely but you really have no idea what I’m up against now. I’ve told you, I’m doing my best to figure this thing out and stay sane doing it.”

  “I have no idea? Did it ever occur to you that I might be a part of it, Alena? What if God sent me to you just for this? Could that be part of the Divine Plan, Leen? You know, you do have a battle to fight. But I don’t think it’s as grand as you think it is. I think your biggest battle is the one you have to fight with yourself and it’s against your own pride, your own sabotage.”

  “Okay. For the sake of moving forward, let’s suppose you’re right,” Alena conceded. “I’m sorry for pushing you away then, and for all the times I’ve pushed you away in the past. Listen, Mike, I’m just trying to do the right things. I’m trying to win this battle, even if it is just with me.”

  “I know that and that’s what I love about you. Your heart is in the right place. Just know that you don’t have to do this part alone. You don’t have to keep suffering.”

  “Thank you, Mike. I understand, I hear you, really I do. Suffering is what I know how to do. Being on my own, I’ve got that down pat right along with despair.”

  “It’s over,” Michael blurted.

  “What?”

  “I’m divorcing Lola. My marriage is over, Alena.”

  “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  “I am. I’m absolutely sure.”

  “Mike, I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be sorry. Everything will be all right. Lola and I are agreed to do our best to stay civil, friends hopefully. The boys are having a hard time accepting it, but eventually we’ll get through to the other side of this. A new norma
l.”

  Michael’s eyes were watery. Were those tears forming? She had only seen him remotely close to crying once when his father had died .

  “It’s all right Mike.”

  He waved her off and turned his face to wipe his face.

  “Listen, I want you to promise me something.”

  The air around them stilled. After a long pause Alena spoke.

  “What is it?”

  “Will you promise that you won’t send me away again?” he asked.

  “I promise, Michael. I’m here for you, okay?” She offered him a hopeful smile.

  “Good. Thank you. I’m needed to know that Leen. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, what’s been going on with your… journey?”

  “Oh. Well, something has definitely changed in me. I mean, how could it not? I’m not the woman I was when you left. I’m releasing more of the old Alena every day. I just wish the doubtful side would go first though. I mean, look at this; I begged God to show up and in all her magnificence, she showed. Out of seven billion people in the world she came to me! She put a mirror to my face and showed me my Savior. Sometimes I feel so ashamed that I’m still questioning any of it. If I’m so great why do I still feel like me, why do I feel so afraid and so small?”

  “You’re building your faith, in yourself. I don’t know what more to tell you accept look back in that mirror, Alena, and have faith in the person you see there. You were chosen for a reason. No matter how unworthy you feel, it’s you. Accept it.”

  NINETEEN

  Alena thought of Michael’s words deep into the evening. She wanted to be sure, about him but mostly about her initiation. She wanted to know what exactly she had been chosen to do. She needed the next steps. She closed her eyes and formed words in her mind.

  “Yeye. Mother. Mary. Come to me now please. Tell me, what does all of this mean?” she whispered. “Show me what you want me to do?”