“I’m sorry for leaving y’all, for cutting you and everybody off like I did. I just want you to know that I love you. I had to leave to save my life, Reeta. Did you hear me, Reeta? I’m telling you I’m sorry.”
“Of course, I heard you.”
“And? Do you accept my apology?”
“What you want me to say? Would it make any difference? Or you just want to feel better about yourself now that you ain’t got that pretty little fairy tale up in New York no more?”
“What I want is to have my baby sis back. I’ve missed the hell out of you, Reeta.”
“I’m going for a smoke.”
“Reeta? Come on, please say something. Anything.”
“Your baby sis, hmm? It was pretty hard for me to tell we was still sisters. I don’t even know you no more.” Pain radiated from her face and her body. “You left me alone for eight years, Lena.” Now tears were streaming down Syreeta’s face.
“It’s me. It’s Lena Jae. I haven’t changed. Talk to me. Please.”
“All right. You want me to say something? What about my life? Huh, big sis? Did you ever think of how mine was gonna get saved? You left me alone for eight years! Almost a whole got damn decade. And for what? What did I ever do to you, Lena? What, because I ain’t speak out against what he did? Because I didn’t say nothin’ when you did? How was I supposed to, Lena? I had no voice! I had nothing left! I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to.”
Tears were streaming down Syreeta’s face and spilling over her lips. “I ain’t even wanna think about what Daddy did to me let alone hear it come out of my mouth. He broke me, Lena. Down to the ground and he knew I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I wasn’t strong like you were. I wasn’t perfect like you with a knight in shining armor and a big law degree. I’ve never been and I still ain’t. But at least back then I had you. You were the only one I could tell. You know I couldn’t expect Mama to do anything. And do you remember what you did when I told you?”
Alena nodded sadly.
“You held me. You held me like a little baby and you told me I was still a good girl, a good and pretty girl and none of Daddy’s sins on me were ever gonna change that. You gave me love, Alena, you made me feel human again. You were my big sister but then you just left me. Nobody understood. I never felt loneliness like I have these past years. Everything hurt so bad. You know, when the pain just rises so fast and so strong in you that it’s drowning you? It took my will for living and everything else.”
Syreeta pushed her sleeves over her wrists. They were scored with wounds she had cut into them.
Alena gasped, “Reeta! No.”
“A psychopath. That’s what they all think I am. I’m messed up in all the ways a woman can be messed up. Can’t keep no job. Can’t keep no man. Can’t have no kids. Can’t even off myself right. And I’m ‘bout big as a horse. Useless.” Syreeta shook with painful sobs as more and more tears drenched her face.
“My God, Reeta.” Alena gently traced over her sister’s scars. “If I knew you were hurting this bad I would’ve taken you with me. I had no right to try to force you to back me up in front of Mama and Daddy, Reeta. I know sorry just isn’t good enough. Please, please forgive me. I should never have punished you for making a choice for yourself.” She then kissed the jagged scars where Syreeta had ravaged her wrists. She held Syreeta’s face in her hands, wet cheeks against her palms.
“Listen to me. Listen to your big sister, Reeta.” Alena wrapped her lips tightly around every syllable and intonation as if her words were bricks building a fortress around her sister. “You are not messed up. There is not a damn thing wrong with you. Daddy hated himself so he came for us. Mama didn’t love herself either so she let him. It didn’t have a thing to do with who we are. We are perfect, Syreeta. You are the strong one, Reeta. I ran away but you stayed here with all those demons and you’re still here, still standing. Do you have any idea of what an incredibly strong woman you are?”
“I ain’t interested in being strong no more. I…I just wanna be loved, Lena. Why can’t nobody see that? I just wanna be loved for me.”
“You are loved, Syreeta. I love you. We all love you, Reeta. Ma sure doesn’t know how to show it most times, but she loves you, too. We’ve been stuck in a mess, this whole family. We’re finding our way out of a dysfunction that’s been here way before we were even born. But I know one thing for sure. You have everything it takes to make it out and you’re doing it. You aren’t the only one who’s been under. I almost killed myself, too. It’s a trick, Reeta, a trap. This whole world is rigged for us to fall if we don’t wake up and open our eyes. I’m going to show you the truth. Soon. I’m back now. I’m sorry for all the time we lost but I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere, okay? In fact, why don’t you think about coming to New York with Maya and me?”
“Thanks, Lena. That sounds real nice and everything. Whatever truth you’re talking about I sure could use, but I don’t need you to help me escape, sis. And don’t you go feeling bad about what you made out of yourself. You were right to go ahead and get it. I just want you to see me, be my sister again.”
“I’ll always be your sister, Reet. I love you.”
“I love you, too. And you know what, as pitiful as I must look right now, I’m happy. I’m happy that you’re back.” Both grief and joy reverberated in her voice. “I’m glad I got another niece now.”
Alena squeezed her sister’s hand. “I’m going to miss you. We’ll talk every day, promise? No matter if you’re feeling good or bad.”
“It’s a promise, Peanut Head.”
“Well, I should be getting us ready to catch the Greyhound home.”
“Since we’re being all Kumbaya and honest with each other right now, let me ask you something and tell me the truth.”
“Ask away, Reet.”
“What happened in that room when Daddy died?”
“What do you mean?”
“Lena, don’t play with me. You were freaked out when you came out of there and it wasn’t because of grief.”
“Daddy died right in front of me, Reeta, holding on to my hand for god sakes. Of course, I was freaking out.”
“He said something to you, didn’t he? A deathbed confession or something like that. Whatever it was it was huge, I can see it in your eyes even now.”
“Reeta, drop it, please. It was just a lot to go through was all.”
Syreeta kept a suspicious gaze on Alena but let it go. “All right, well, let me give my niece some kisses before y’all leave. When you’re ready to stop keeping your secrets, I’ll be here to listen. “
How fragile and painfully beautiful life is, Alena thought. On the bus ride home she’d made her decision. As soon as she had the chance, she would gather up all the rest of her suffering. Lay it down, and let it burn.
TWENTY-FOUR
When Alena and Maya returned to New York it was time to give Maya back to Gabriel for the week. She’d wished she would have Gloria to lean on but she was away visiting her daughters. Alena clung to her daughter’s hand until she climbed into her father’s car. Maya waving behind the window struck her to the heart. Alena sighed and waved back. She painted a wide, brave smile on her face for both of them. Unexpectedly, Gabriel got out of the car this time and walked to her with Maya looking on.
“Alena, hold on. Can I talk to you for a second?”
She looked at him, her eyes narrowed in suspicion. “What is it, Gabriel?”
Alena’s posture was stiff and tense, bracing for Gabriel’s verbal or emotional attacks, ready to strike back if necessary. The ruthless spark she had come to expect in his eyes had been replaced with something else, shame. Guilt. She felt his unease and it disarmed her.
“I just uh… I want to give my condolences, again. I’m sorry for your loss, Alena.”
There was a strange gentleness in his voice.
They stood for an uncomfortable moment, face to face, as two complete strangers cast together in the even stranger predicame
nt of parenthood.
“Thanks, Gabe. Really,” she said, turning on her heels to head for her apartment.
“Wait,” he said suddenly. He paused for a moment as if to gather his thoughts.
“You’re a good woman, Alena. I’ve never denied that. I know you hate me. You must. I know it’s hard to believe but I never meant for things to end up like this.”
As Gabriel spoke she could feel him. She pressed her open hand to her chest and for a moment, she was inside Gabriel’s heart. It was like hers when she had first stepped inside of it, dark and crumbling. She felt the roaming beast’s presence lurking in their hiding places. Yes, of course. Her brokenness had called to his, it must have been why they had forged such a perfectly dysfunction union.
She felt the misery he tried to keep hidden.
“For whatever it’s worth now, I wanted to let you know I’m sorry you lost your father.”
Gabriel looked unnerved by his own words and thoughts. Alena stared into Gabriel’s eyes and spoke with surprising calm.
“Gabe , what I know now about our marriage is that it was less about you and more about me, my hope, and my trust. You played your part, I played mine. I made you responsible for my grief. I wanted to be fixed with a fairy tale.”
When Alena paused she saw regret well up in Gabriel’s eyes.
“You couldn’t make me lovable,” she continued. “It was my work to see I already was. I put a heavy, heavy load on you Gabe and I’m sorry. . Your heart must be broken, too, only you didn’t know it yet.”
Alena felt herself release Gabriel from the core of her life and the cords between them unhook themselves, the shackles unlocking. The entanglement she mistook for love had finally unraveled. Floodgates of freedom burst open it and made her feel so light and brave.
Gabriel’s looked dumbfounded by her truthfulness, docile almost. After several moments he muttered awkwardly, “That’s quite an epiphany, Alena. We’ve got to be going… goodbye.” His face flushed as he turned on his heels.
“Gabriel?” Alena called after him.
“Yes?”
“You can still change the way things ended up. You can make it right, now.”
He caught that she was referring to their daughter.
“We’ll talk soon, Alena. Take care.”
“You can make it right, Gabe!” She called out again into the wind. With his eyes cast downward he stalked away hastily quickly, pretending he had not heard her plea. Then he climbed into his car and drove away.
***
Alena’s morning back at work started as normally as any other. She greeted the receptionist, and then her colleagues on her way to her office. She hung her coat on the hook on the wall, and stowed her purse inside the desk. She set her morning coffee aside to boot her computer. On the computer screen was a rush of spirals, incomprehensible symbols, and geometric forms she had never seen before, perhaps some type of glyphs or codes.
“What the hell?”
She pressed the escape key. Nothing. Faster and faster the ticker of strange otherworldly characters kept streaming. She pushed in the control, alt, delete keys. The streaming continued.
Even stranger than what appeared on the screen was the sensation that throbbed in her hands. A bolt of energy streamed down the length of her arms and at the same time another stream of strange characters appeared. Alena turned her hands over and glanced at her palms, studying them. They were glowing with azure radiance. Alena waved her palm at the wall clock above her. The hands of the clock sped madly around the dial. She glanced at her watch. The same thing was happening. She scrambled to her feet and backed away from the computer. It was if some kind of ancient intelligence was flowing through her. She breathed in deep and closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on her third eye as Gloria had taught her. When she opened her eyes the power surge had stopped. Alena looked her hands again. Whatever it was that made them glow had stopped.
“Thank God,” Alena sighed, looking around carefully to see if anyone had witnessed what just happened. She then went to take a short walk in the hallway to clear her head.
“Ms. Ford.” It was Michael, immaculate from his tapered wavy black hair down to his tobacco brown Italian leather shoes. The sound of his voice calmed her.
“Mike! What the heck are you doing here? And why are you so dressed up?” She peeked up at him through her eyelashes.
“I had a meeting on this end with some investors to expand my gym. I was hoping I’d catch you. How’s your day going? Looks like you’re adjusting to the job quite nicely.” He was tantalizingly close and the intoxicating scent of his sweetish cologne drew her to him.
“I am. Thanks. Why didn’t you call me? Stalker,” she teased.
“I thought this would be more romantic,” he smiled. “Besides, I really wanted to surprise you, you know I’ll use any excuse to see that smile.”
“Well you did a great job of it. It’s good to see you.”
“And, I wanted to invite you to my new spot, officially. I just finished prettying up the place, and I would love to have you over for dinner to christen it. What do you say?”
“Dinner sounds great and I can’t wait to see your new place, but I don’t think I can tonight, sorry. I’ve got way too much on my plate.”
“Okay, that’s no problem. I understand,” he said, reaching up to adjust his tie. “Maybe another night.”
“What about tomorrow?” Alena offered so he would know she wasn’t brushing him off.
“Sure, tomorrow it is. Can I pick you up from here?”
“Sounds good,” Alena said. “And next time just call my cell and stop being weird.”
“Okay, until then Leen,” he said with a wink.
TWENTY-FIVE
Michael greeted Alena with a wide cheerful smile at the front doors of her office building. Something about that smile always felt like home to her. He had brought her a gorgeous bouquet of red roses and lilies, her favorite. When she buried her nose in them the beauty of Oshun’s grove came to mind. The walk to his car was only two minutes long but he found the chill of the evening a fine excuse to draw closer and drape a possessive arm around her. Thirty minutes later they had arrived at Michael’s new home in Harlem. He pushed open the weathered bronze door to his brownstone. “Welcome to my humble abode,” he announced.
Alena could see that inside was anything but humble. She glanced around his apartment. Just about every corner reflected a Michael she never imagined. He was well traveled, that much she could tell. On one shelf of a massive oak case tribal necklaces made of brightly colored shells and beads were mounted elegantly on stands. On another, three very ancient looking monkey masks were etched in red pigment.
“Wow Mike! This is amazing!”
“Thank you, I hoped you’d like it.”
“I love it, this is the most gorgeous bachelor pad I’ve ever seen.”
“I’ll give you a tour after dinner.”
“Speaking of, what’s for dinner?” Alena asked. “I don’t mind admitting that I’m starving.”
“For you Madame, tonight’s special is paella. I made it last night so I’d only have to heat it up,” he said with the easy smile that Alena had come to adore. He took her coat and the thick cardigan she wore underneath it, and hung them up for her. He then went to the bar and opened up a bottle of wine and poured two glasses.
“I brought this just for you. This is from a vineyard one of my clients owns. I told him to give me the finest he had. Now I’m not much of a wine connoisseur, it’s supposed to be good is all I know. Merlot with violet and plum notes,” he said, his voice mimicking a woman’s.
“Oh, is that how we sound?” Alena giggled.
“I’d like to make a toast,” Michael said, raising his glass. “To new beginnings.” His eyes latched deeply onto hers.
“To new beginnings!” Alena repeated, then sipped the wine. “This is delicious, Mike. I’m glad you brought it for me,” she teased.
“I’m glad you’re h
ere.” He took a sip of his glass then smiled. “It is good. Why don’t you enjoy it while I heat up dinner and set the table?” He then disappeared into the kitchen.
She saw that he had an impressive collection of artwork too. Lola must’ve really made an impression on him, she thought.
“Mike, I had no idea that you collected. Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Eh, just a few pieces here and there. We’d split everything down the middle. These are all I really wanted.”
One piece was a lithograph of a sturdy Mexican woman bearing a sheaf of calla lilies on her back. Another struck her as soon as she saw it.
“And who’s this one by?” It was a painting of a couple, black in color, their flat faces meeting one another, cheek to cheek.
“That’s James Lesesne Wells, Twin Heads. You like it, do you?”
“I do. Twin Heads, like Twin Flames.”
“Huh?”
“Twin Flames. Two lovers, two halves of the same soul with the same life mission.”
“Oh. Well it was expensive as heck, I know that much. I like it, too.”
“And I see a trumpet, do you still play?”
“You remembered,” he said tilting his head with a grateful smile. “I do. A lot more now that I’ve got a much quieter house.”
“So? Can I hear a few notes? I bet you’re still great.”
“Sure.” He picked up the instrument and pressed the metal to his lips, playing a snippet of a song for Alena, What a Wonderful World.
“I knew it. That was beautiful Mike!”
“Thank you.” Mike returned the trumpet to the shelf and took Alena’s hand to lead her to the dining table. He helped her into her seat then sat down across from her.
Alena looked down at her plate. “Your paella looks great. Everything looks great actually. I had no idea you were so…fancy.”
Michael dug into his food and Alena did the same.
“Well thank you. I’ve been inspired by a special elegant someone,” he said with a wink between bites. “And you ain’t seen nothing yet. If I play my cards right she might bless me with her Upper East side style and really turn this place into a palace.”
A Fistful of Honey Page 19