A Wallflower at the Highland Court: A Slow Burn Highlander Romance

by Barclay, Celeste

  “Did the taunting cease?” Kieran held his breath, fearful that Hamish would say no. He didn’t want to keep Maude from her clan, but he couldn’t imagine ever taking her somewhere where people would mistreat her. It was bad enough that she had to remain at court.

  “Aye. Mind ye, this was aboot four years ago. Some lads grew up and matured past their nastiness. The others discovered that I’m even less forgiving of those who treat ma family poorly. One of the many sad parts to this whole story is that everyone loves Maude. She’s got a generous soul and compassion that’s helped heal many patients. She has a quick wit and an agile mind, but she doesnae see these things in herself. Even though she rides and hunts and swims again, she lives in Blair’s shadow and now even more so with her friend Arabella. She sees naught but how plain she believes is when she compares herself to her sister and friend. Blair’s written to us aboot some of the incidents here, and it’s tempted me to demand the king order his wife to release ma lasses from her service. I’m sorry to say, but I’ve heard aboot how yer sister treats Maude. It made it into more than one of Blair’s missives. It seems Madeline stepped into Mary Kerr’s role of being the ringleader of the ladies-in-waiting and is as sharp tongued as her predecessor.”

  “Mary Kerr? She’s the one who was Archibald Hay’s mistress. Something to do with your nephew Magnus.”

  “Aye. That is a story that requires several more drams of whisky before I can tell it. Too many lives came close to ending in ma family, and a few didna end soon enough in the Hay and Kerr clans.” Hamish refilled his mug and Kieran’s before settling back into his seat. “I tell ye all this so ye can understand Maude because she can seem to have many contradictory traits. She’s brave and wild, even reckless at times, but she’ll retreat into herself if she perceives she’s inferior to the women around her. It’s as though other women smell her insecurity, and the more she shies away, the more they dog her steps. She willna engage unless pushed too far, but she keeps from lashing out because her mind is agile and fast. But that only leads to cutting comebacks that can go deeper than even the worst taunts thrown at her. She understands the power words have and how she canna take them back. She’s cautious nae to commit the same sins she would be avenging. She’s picked up on tiny flaws that nay one notices but her, but she’s certain they’re the first thing anyone sees when they meet her. Her weight and body are the most obvious, but she doesnae like her teeth. Something aboot them nae being spaced right. She doesnae care for her hair. She believes it’s the color of mud and matches her muddy colored eyes. She doesnae admit this to many, but she has trouble seeing distances that most people can see with ease. She says she can see the same things, but they’re blurry.”

  “She doesn’t like her hair, her eyes, her teeth, her body. What’s left that she does like?” Kieran looked back at her door and wished once more to take her away from court, and even her clan, if they caused her painful memories.

  “She kens she’s bright and has a keen mind for herbals and medicinals. She enjoys treating animals as much as, if nae more than, people. She finds it rewarding since rarely do the sickly care what their healer looks like as long as they improve. She kens people trust her because she cares for each person she tends. She’s loyal to her last breath and enjoys kenning her friends and family trust her. She just can never believe why anyone cares aboot her. She doesnae see what we all do.”

  “Hamish, what is it like for her when she returns to Sutherland?”

  “It’s her home. It always will be nay matter where she settles with a husband and family of her own. She kens she’s loved and appreciated there, and she kens she’ll always be wanted and welcomed. But it holds painful memories. We all have memories from our past that haunt us, that linger long after the event fades in others’ minds. I imagine ye have ones of yer own from yer childhood, but that doesnae make Stornoway any less yer home. I wish I could undo what a handful of eejits wrecked, but the vast majority of our clan kens how special ma lassie is. They adore her, and perhaps even more so because she doesnae realize it.”

  Kieran sat back in his chair as he stared into his whisky. He let everything Hamish shared settle as he reviewed what he learned. He swirled the liquid before taking a quaff. He looked back into the mug before finishing its contents.

  “Her eyes remind me of the different ages of whisky. Close to the center is whisky that has only been in the barrel a few months, but the outside rim is like the finest uisge beatha aged for years. It has a smoky hue and warms you from the inside out, just as Maude’s eyes do when they crinkle at the sides the rare times she smiles. I mean, really smiles. I know she dislikes her teeth; she told me as much, and that’s why she doesn’t like to smile wide because she fears people will notice the imperfection. So those rare smiles are as priceless as the finest aged whisky.” Kieran looked up to catch Hamish watching him. “I shall disabuse her of the idea that her hair and eyes resemble mud.”

  “Be patient with her. She has a great deal to offer if she didna let herself live in other people’s shadows. Dinna let her hide from herself or others.”

  “You are entrusting me with something precious and rare. I won’t break that trust. I want you to have faith that I will protect Maude and do my best to make her happy.”

  “That’s what I hope for in ma future son-by-marriage.”

  “Does that mean you’ll consider my suit? That is if Maude wishes to marry me, you’ll agree?”

  “I do. If ye can nae punish her for the sins of a few members of her clan, then I consent.”

  Kieran glowered at Hamish. “I’m insulted you even feel the need to ask. What happened has naught to do with Maude. It had little to do with either you or me, but we are the ones with the responsibility for fixing it. It’s bad enough that she’s convinced people will think the only reason I’ll marry her is for restitution. I don’t need you whittling aboot whether I’ll abuse her. Haven’t you already seen how I react when I think there may be a threat to her? I’m hardly aboot to be one myself.”

  “Vera well. Then we shall see how things unfold. Ye and I can meet again tomorrow as lairds rather than as a father and a swain.” Both men stood and once again shook forearms. Kieran returned his mug to the table and moved toward the door to Maude’s chamber. Hamish was already walking in that direction. “Where do ye think ye’re going?”

  Kieran held up his hands in surrender. “I only wanted to check on her.”

  Hamish jutted his chin out as his lips flattened into a thin line. “So did I.”

  Both men crept to Maude’s door. Hamish eased it open, and they peered in. Maude’s shoulder rose and fell while she lay on her side, turned away from the door. Hamish prepared to shut the door when her groggy voice carried to them. “Night, Da. Night, turtledove.”

  “Turtledove?” Hamish chortled once the door was closed.

  “Aye,” Kieran’s tone brooked no further comment, yet it almost challenged Hamish to say more.

  “Goodnight, lad.” Hamish clapped his hand on Kieran’s shoulder as Kieran stepped into the passageway.

  “Thank you, Hamish. For everything. Goodnight.”

  Chapter Nine

  The next morning, Kieran followed Maude’s suggestion for discretion. Rather than join her for a constitutional in the gardens with the queen and other ladies-in-waiting, he returned to his chamber after breaking his fast. He sorted through his recent correspondence and found the one from Laird Matheson. It didn’t take long to draft a response outlining Madeline’s dowry and his conditions for her safekeeping should she be left a widow, especially one with daughters. He dispatched the missive and hoped Laird Matheson didn’t propose having the couple meet beforehand. Madeline had the tendency to belittle and look down upon others even as a child, but she hadn’t unleashed her worst cruelty until she arrived at court. It fed an ugly part of her that Kieran prayed would go back into hibernation once she was away from the intrigue and competition of the other ladies-in-waiting. He worried Madeline would ruin
this opportunity, and in fact any opportunity, to marry if she met the potential groom too soon before the nuptials. He had a moment of guilt as he wondered how she would fit in with three older sisters-by-marriage. He hoped her husband and new family reined her in, or he might open his keep’s door to find her there.

  Once he dispatched the letter with his best rider, he returned to other correspondence that had gone untended during the crisis at home. He found more than one that contained the same message he’d just sent, except these inquired whether he was interested in a bride. He kept his responses brief. He thanked the laird for his interest but politely declined, explaining he wasn’t looking for a bride. He didn’t include that he wasn’t looking because he hoped he’d already found one.

  He ventured to the lists and was in time to spy the ladies returning from their morning walk. It took only a moment for his eyes to seek Maude. She huddled into her cloak, her cowl up against the brisk morning air, as she walked with Arabella and Blair. She glanced at him and offered her half-smile, but nothing more. Her gaze snapped back to in front of her as she listened to the conversation flow around her. Kieran was determined to meet with Maude everyday even while they waited for him to arrange Madeline’s marriage. He wouldn’t accept a long betrothal for his sister. If the Mathesons were unprepared to marry off their son within the next few moons, he would search elsewhere. He entered the lists, and while his mind failed to put Maude aside, he spent the rest of the morning and into the afternoon swinging his sword. It was cathartic.

  * * *

  Maude was miserable. She awoke with a headache just as she’d gone to bed with one. The noise from the other ladies’ chatter grated on her nerves, but she plastered on her serene expression and joined in the walk. Seeing her father the night before had been both exciting and exhausting. She’d laid in bed listening to her father recount her endless streams of humiliation, and while she wanted to sink into a hole never to return, it relieved her to not be the one to tell Kieran about her past. She was embarrassed and found it hard to meet Kieran’s eye when she passed him on the return to the castle. She spent the morning in the queen’s solar sewing, but she retired to her chamber in the afternoon for a lie down. She drifted in and out of sleep until Arabella returned and informed her it was time to dress for dinner. She’d shared an abridged version of what happened when Maude visited Kieran in the stables before he departed. She retold the previous night’s incidents in detail, including what her father told Kieran. Arabella sat while Maude spoke, then wrapped her friend in her arms while Maude fought unsuccessfully to hold back tears.

  “We are more alike than we realized,” Arabella spoke when they drew apart at last. “I had much the same issue with food when I was becoming a woman. Except mine came from the pressure to always be pretty. I couldn’t control how God made me any more than anyone else, but I could control what I ate. If I had to live up to everyone’s expectations of beauty, then I would do so on my terms. Turns out I decided those terms were not eating enough. I was lucky not to collapse on the stairs. Instead, I did it during Mass. The priest screamed the devil possessed me. My poor mother was quick-witted enough to say it wasn’t the devil but the Holy Spirit. Apparently, the joy of God’s presence overcame so much that I collapsed. A couple days in bed with my mother supervising my meals helped me improve. But Maude, know that even I struggle to eat when people are around. I fear they’re watching me and judging me for how much I eat. It’s also why you’re the only person I let call me Bella. It’s too much pressure otherwise. I’m certain you’d love me as a sister no matter what I look like.”

  “How sad is it that this,” Maude waved a hand about. “Is another thing that binds our friendship?”

  “It just proves we’re kindred spirits.”

  “Not possessed of the Holy One?”

  Arabella giggled. “Most certainly not. At least not after what you’ve been up to with Laird MacLeod.” She wiggled her eyebrows. “Was it wonderful? I mean is kissing him as mesmerizing as it’s made to sound in poetry?”

  “It is. But I don’t think it would be with someone else. It’s because it’s Kieran.”

  Arabella nodded but remained quiet. It made Maude uneasy as she wondered what her friend thought about that made her withdraw.

  “What is it?”

  “Naught,” Arabella forced a smile, but she was sure Maude would remain unconvinced until she explained. “I wondered if it’s the same for men. After all, they engage in the pleasures of the flesh long before they wed. By the time they get to their wives, do simple things such as kisses still mean aught to them, or are they just that well practiced?”

  “I don’t know,” Maude answered truthfully. “Kieran makes it seem as though it’s different, better, since he cares aboot me, but I don’t ken aboot other men. I think it is. I’ve seen my cousins with their wives. Callum and Tavish were both rakes before marriage, but meeting their wives changed them, tamed them. Now none of my cousins pay attention to the women around them. They have eyes for only their wives, and they can barely keep their hands off them. They don’t keep them off them. That’s why all of them are expecting bairns.”

  “It doesn’t bother you that Kieran was coupling with Lady Bevan just before meeting you and within a day he was professing his feelings? It seems rushed.” Arabella clapped a hand over her mouth when she realized what she’s said.

  “Lady Bevan?” Maude choked. The woman was a beautiful widow. A beautiful young widow. She was said to have been the most attractive lady-in-waiting for years, and Maude could believe it.

  “Maude, I shouldn’t have said that. I spoke without thinking.”

  “It’s naught. I can’t underdo the past.” While Maude reassured Arabella, she felt anything but calm.

  Why would he trade Lady Bevan for someone like me? What does he want in truth? Is he fooling me and planning to keep a leman like her once he’s married me?

  “You don’t appear well. I’m so sorry aboot what I said. I suppose I assumed you were aware who he’d been with that night. It was careless of me to throw that at you with little consideration to what we’d just been discussing.”

  “Really. It’s fine, Bella. I can’t change the past. Not mine, not his.” Maude went to stand at the window and looked out at the stars. The lights of Stirling made them hard to see. She longed to be back on her clan’s land, where the Highland sky appeared to be an infinite collection of twinkling lights. The moon was behind a shadow, as though it hid from the people below, and Maude wished to do the same. Her headache hadn’t eased as the day went on. “My head still hurts from everything last night and then too much noise all day today. I’ll take a tray in here and try to retire early. I need to catch up on my sleep.”

  “Maude, don’t. Please join us. I don’t want you to hide in here.”

  Maude shook her head before saying, “Make my excuses, please. If you run into my father, let him know I retired early and will seek him out in the morning. I’ll call for a bath, too. A good long soak in hot water will set me to rights.”

  Arabella looked doubtful as she dressed for the evening meal but agreed to convey Maude’s regrets.

  * * *

  Kieran observed the ladies-in-waiting as they entered the Great Hall. They resembled a flock of exotic birds with their gowns of various colors, but they reminded him of a pack of wolves. As he searched, he couldn’t find his lamb. He waited until all the ladies settled at their tables before he started to worry that Maude wasn’t there. He caught sight of Arabella and Blair sitting together, so he wandered close to their table. Both ladies looked at him with regret and shook their heads. Kieran’s shoulders slumped, but he took a deep breath and looked for his sister to be sure she wasn’t watching. She had her back to him and was engaged in an animated conversation with Laurel, who batted her lashes at him before he turned away.

  “She’s nae feeling too perky this eve. Last night gave her a headache and spending the day with those she-wolves didna improve it,” Hamish
said by way of a greeting. “She’s taking a tray in her chamber.”

  Kieran nodded and swept his gaze over the crowded gathering hall. He had no reason to stay now that Maude wasn’t there. His eyes landed on Lady Bevan, whose gaze followed him. She offered him a coy smile and raised an eyebrow. He understood her silent invitation. Just as he’d done moments ago with Laurel, he turned away without reacting. He kept the lusty widow in the corner of his eye to be sure she wouldn’t be in a huff. The last thing he needed was an angry former lover, but she’d returned to her conversation as though she’d never seen him. Kieran was relieved that their one-time encounter was as insignificant to her as it turned out to be for him.

  “Would ye join me and sup alongside the Sutherlands?” Hamish asked, but Kieran understood Hamish wanted everyone to witness there was no bad blood between the clans despite recent events. He longed to escape and seek Maude. He wouldn’t fall asleep that night unless he saw for himself that she was well. But with Maude’s fear that people would assume her father gave her to him in exchange for the damages the raid caused, he accepted the invitation. “Smart lad. I will protect ma daughter, nay matter what. Sowing the seeds that we are allies nae enemies before anyone kens yer intentions will keep Maude’s reputation intact.”

  “I agree. I appreciate your forethought,” Kieran nodded as he took a spot on the bench beside Hamish. The sight of the two of the most powerful Highland lairds breaking bread together created a buzz at the nearby tables. Kieran clinked mugs with Hamish and his clansmen. He relaxed when he realized Hamish’s good cheer was genuine; however, that didn’t change the fact that he pondered how to excuse himself before the meal ended.

  “While I believe family is everything,” Hamish lowered his voice. “It reassures me that ye would put ma Maude before even yer sister. I believe yer feelings for her are as genuine as mine were for her mother, even though they began just as quickly. I have a good life with a wonderful woman who makes me a better mon. She’s given me three children who are the apple of ma eye. I hope ye find the same happiness with Maude.” Hamish twirled his eating knife carelessly as though he gave it little consideration. “But deceive ma wee lassie and break her heart, I will kill ye.”