The Vnfortunate Traveller, or The Life Of Jack Wilton

by Thomas Nash

priuie to his departurein regard of his place and charge, and on his honour assured mee hisreturne shoulde bee verie short and succesfull, I, I, shorter by thenecke, thought I, in the meane time let this be thy posie, _I liue inhope to scape the rope_.

  Gone he is, God send him good shipping to Wapping, & by this time, ifyou will, let him bee a pittifull poore fellowe, and vndone for euer,for mine owne part, if he had bin mine owne brother, I coulde haue doneno more for him than I did, for straight after his backe was turnd, Iwent in all loue & kindnesse to the Marshall generall of the field, &certefide him that such a man was lately fled to the enemie, and gottehis place beggd for another immediatly. What became of him after youshall heare. To the enemie he went and offered his seruice, ratlingegregiously on the king of England, he swore, as he was a Gentlemanand a souldier, hee would bee reuenged on him, and let but the king ofFrance follow his counsell, hee woulde driue him from _Turwin_ wals yetere ten dayes to an end. All these were good humours, but the tragediefolloweth. The French king hearing of such a prating fellow that wascome, was desirous to see him, but yet he feared treason, wherfore hewild one of his minions to take vpon him his person, and he would standby as a priuate man whilest hee was examined. Why should I vse anie idledelayes? In was Captaine Gogges wounds brought, after he was throughlysearched, not a louse in his doublet was let passe, but was askt_Queuela_, and chargd to stand in the kings name, the mouldes of hisbuttons they turnd out, to see if they were not bullettes couered ouerwith thread, the codpeece in his deuills breeches (for they were then infashion) they sayd playnly was a case for a pistoll, if hee had had euera hobnaile in his shooes it had hangde him, & he shuld neuer haue knowenwho had harmd him, but as lucke was, he had not a mite of anie mettalabout him, he tooke part with none of the foure ages, neither the goldenage, the siluer age, the brasen nor the yron age, onely his purse wasaged in emptinesse, and I thinke verily a puritane, for it kept it selfefrom any pollution of crosses. Standing before the supposed king, hewas askt what he was, and wherefore he came. To the which in a gloriousbragging humour he aunswered, that hee was a gentleman, a captainecommander, a chiefe leacjer, that came away from the king of Englandvppon discontentment. Questiond particular of the cause of hisdiscontentment, hee had not a word to blesse himself with, yet faine hewould haue patcht out a poltfoote tale, but (God he knowes) it had notone true legge to stand on. Then began he to smell on the villaine sorammishly, that none there but was readie to rent him in peeces, yet theminion king kept in his cholar, and propounded vnto him farther, whatof the king of Englands secrets (so aduantageable) he was priuie to,as might remoue him from the siege of Turwin in three daies. Hee saydediuerse, diuerse matters, which askt longer conference, but in goodhonestie they were lies, which he had not yet stampt. Heereat the trueking stept forth, and commanded to lay handes on the lozell, and that heshould be tortured to confesse the truth, for he was a spie and nothingelse.

  He no sooner sawe the wheele and the torments set before him, but hecride out like a rascall, and sayde hee was a poore Captaine in theEnglish camp, suborned by one _Iacke Wilton_ (a noble mans page) and noother, to come and kill the French king in a brauery and returne, andthat he had no other intention in the world.

  This confession could not choose but moue them all to laughter, in thathe made it as light a matter to kill their king and come backe, as togoe to Islington and eate a messe of creame, and come home againe, nay,and besides hee protested that he had no other intention, as if thatwere not inough to hang him.

  _Adam_ neuer fell till God made fooles, all this coulde not keepe hisioyntes from ransacking on the wheele, for they vowed either to makehim a confessor or a martir in a trice, when still he sung all one song,they tolde the king he was a foole, and some shrewd head had knauishlywrought on him, wherefore it should stand with his honour to whip himout of the campe and send him home. That perswasion tooke place, andsoundly was he lasht out of theyr liberties, and sent home by a Heraldewith this message, that so the king his master hoped to whip homeall the English fooles verie shortly: answere was returned, that thatshortlie, was a long lie, and they were shrewde fooles that shouldedriue the French man out of his kingdome, and make him glad withCorinthian _Dionisius_ to play the schoole-master.

  The Herald being dismist, our afflicted intelligencer was cald _coramnobis_, how he spedde, iudge you, but something hee was adiudged to. Thesparowe for his lecherie liueth but a yeere, he for his trecherie wasturnd on the toe, _Plura dolor prohibet_.

  Here let me triumph a while, and ruminate a line or two on theexcellence of my wit, but I will not breath neither til I hauedisfraughted all my knauerie.

  Another Swizer Captaine that was farre gone for want of the wench, I ledastraie most notoriously, for he beeing a monstrous vnthrift of battleaxes (as one that cared not in his anger to bid flie out scuttels tofiue score of them) and a notable emboweller of quart pots, I camedisguised vnto him in the forme of a halfe a crowne wench, my gowne andattire according to the custome the in request. I wis I had my curtesiesin cue or in quart pot rather, for they dyu'd into the very entrailes ofthe dust, and I simpered with my countenance lyke a porredge pot on thefire when it first begins to seeth. The sobrietie of the circumstanceis, that after he had courted me and all, and giuen me the earnestpennie of impietie, some sixe crownes at the least for an antipast toiniquitie, I fained an impregnable excuse to be gone, and neuer came athim after. Yet left I not here, but committed a little more scutcherie.A companie of coystrell clarkes (who were in band with sathan, and not ofanie souldiers collar nor his hatband) pincht a number of good mindes toGodward of theyr prouant. They would not let a dram of dead pay ouerslipthem, they would not lend a groat of the weeke to come, to him that hadspent his money before this weeke was done. They outfaced the greatestand most magnanimious servitours in their sincere and finigraphicallcleane shirts and cuffes. A lowse that was anie Gentlemans companionthey thought scorne of, their nere bitten beardes must in a deuils namebedewdeuerie daiewith rosewater, hogges could haue nere a hayre on theyrbackes, for making them rubbing brushes to rouse theyr crab lice. Theywoulde in no wise permitte that the moates in the Sunnebeames should befull mouthde beholders of theyr cleane phinikde appareil, theyr shooesshined as bright as a slike-stone, theyr handes troubled and soyled morewater with washing, than the camell doth, that nere drinkes till thewhole streame bee troubled. Summarily, neuer anie were so fantasticalthe one halfe as they. My masters you may conceiue of me what you list,but I thinke confidently I was ordayned Gods scourge from aboue fortheyr daintie finicalitie. The houre of theyr punishment could no longerbe proroged, but vengeance must haue at them at al a ventures. So itwas, that the most of these aboue named goosequil braccahadocheos weremeere cowards and crauens, and durst not so much as throw a penfullof inke into the enimies face, if proofe were made, wherefore on theexperience of their pusellanimitie I thought to raise the foundationof my roguerie. What did I now but one daie made a false alarum in thequarter where they laie, to trie how they would stand to theyr tackling,and with a pittifull outcrie warned them to flie, for there was treasonafoot, they were inuironed and beset. Upon the first watch worde oftreason that was giuen, I thinke they betooke them to theyr heeles veriestoutly, left theyr penne and inke-hornes and papers behinde them forspoile, resigned theyr deskes, with the mony that was in them to themercie of the vanquisher, and in fine, left mee & my fellowes (theirfoole-catchers) Lords of the field: how wee dealt with them, theirdisburdened deskes canne best tell, but this I am assured, we fared thebetter for it a fortnight of fasting dayes after. I must not placea volume in the precincts of a pamphlet, sleepe an houre or two, anddreame that Turney and Turwin is wonne, that the king is shipt againeinto England, and that I am close at harde meate at Windsore or atHampton court. What will you in your indifferent opinions allow me formy trauell, no more seigniorie ouer the Pages than I had before? yes,whether you will parte with so much probable friendly suppose or no,He haue it in spite of your heartes. For your instruction and godlyconsolation, bee informed, that at
that time I was no common squire, novndertroden torch-bearer, I had my feather in my cap as big as a flag inthe foretop, my French doublet gelte in the belly as though (lyke a pigreadie to be spitted) all my guts had beene pluckt out, a paire of sidepaned hose that hung down like two scales filled with Holland cheeses,'my long stock that sate close to my docke, and smoothered not a scabor a leacherous hairie sinew on the calfe of my legge, my rapier pendantlike a round sticke fastned in the tacklings for skippers the better toclimbe by, my cape cloake of blacke cloth, ouerspreading my backe lykea thornbacke, or an Elephantes eare, that hanges on his shoulders lykea countrie huswiues banskin, which shee thirleth her spindle on, andin consummation of my curiositie, my handes without gloues, all a moreFrench, and a blacke budge edging of a beard on the vpper lip, & thelike sable auglet of excrements in the first rising of the anckle of mychinne. I was the first that brought in the order of passing into thecourt which I