The Royal Perfects

by Jeremy Neeley

  Chapter 16: The Final Bow

  Gabriel’s last rally was chalk-full of good feelings and well-wishers. He gave a rousing speech and concluded with great thanks to all those who supported him. It was bittersweet for the Perfects. They knew all of it may not be enough, and once again, another good man would lose to the powerful adversaries of corruption and greed. No one could tell Gabriel what they had learned, and without proof, it was pointless anyway. Instead, they congratulated him on a well-run campaign and hoped he would rest soundly that night knowing he had done all he could to make his case to the people. Gabriel was content in that knowledge. He slept well.

  Excitement ran rampant through town the next day. People were voting in droves, providing a better turnout than any past election. Each one of the Perfects stationed himself around town. They made last-minute appeals and answered any voter questions that were still lingering. On more than one occasion, they passed a So-So doing the same thing. An uneasy civility was upheld.

  The day went fast. After the polls closed, the final count was verified at the Central District House of Parliament. That was Timmy’s station, or should have been. When Francis went to meet up with his friend, Timmy was nowhere to be found. Not knowing where else to look, he headed back to Lester’s, where he found the rest of the Perfects with Gabriel. They anxiously awaited the seven o’clock hour, when the formal decree of the winner would be made outside of the mayor’s mansion.

  “Bugs, have you seen Timmy?” Francis asked.

  “No,” he curtly replied. “He’s probably off trying to woo away that jezebel, Genny Jenkins.”

  Francis could sense Bugs’ grudge was held deep. He approached the others, but each man stated he had not seen Timmy anywhere. Pulling a pocket watch from beneath his lapel, Sir Snoots announced it was time to head over to the mansion for the official proclamation of results. The men gathered up their things and departed for Central District.

  A huge crowd was gathered on the lawn of the noble manor. It seemed as if the whole town was present, and there was an electricity in the evening air. Bugs and Gabriel made their way toward the officials’ table erected on the front stoop of the mansion.

  The mass erupted upon seeing Mr. Goldhand. Smith appeared soon after, accompanied by Genny and Leland. Despite waving to the crowd with an air of confidence, it was audibly noticeable he received far less fan support. The town clock struck seven, and after the last tone, the head official of the elector stood and approached the podium. Gabriel stood nervously at one side while Smith smiled knowingly at the other.

  The scene grew silent as the official unrolled a scroll inscribed with the decision.

  “On this day, the twentieth day of the ninth month, the College of Southrump Electors formally decrees that Mr. John Smith has won the office of mayor of Upper Southrump by a margin of 59 votes!”

  Smith’s supporters cheered with excitement, but the vast population was thrust into shocked disbelief. Gabriel bowed his head in defeat as John Smith moved toward the podium to make his acceptance speech.

  “Friends, today is truly a great day for our town,” the unscrupulous schemer proclaimed. “You have made your choice, and it is by far the wiser. Today marks the first day of a brand new…”

  Smith’s words began to fail him as he noticed commotion just off to his side. A group of constables had made their way up to the dais.

  “As I was saying,” he fumbled to continue. “This marks a…”

  The commotion escalated as several of the officers slapped cuffs on three of the election officials seated behind the podium. Smith didn’t know what was going on. His head was on a swivel, frantically looking this way and that. Suddenly, he felt a tug upon his arms and the cold grip of iron around his wrists. Chief Constable Cuffburn locked the bindings tight.

  “Ladies and gentlemen,” the constable shouted loud for all to hear, “it has come to our knowledge that Mr. John Smith has long been involved in smuggling, forgery, theft, battery, kidnapping, extortion, fraud, and most recently, bribery and blackmail.”

  Cuffburn then raised Smith’s black, leather ledger high in the air for all to see. “This book contains details of such crimes, conducted over several years, as well as the parties involved. Each and every one of them will be sought out and punished in accordance with our laws.”

  Smith was beside himself. “No, that is not my ledger! I have never seen that tome! I’ve been framed!” He began to struggle and fight, and Cuffburn directed two of his men to escort him from the premises.

  As Smith passed through the stunned crowd, he happened to glance upon the smiling face of Timmy Wicketts only inches in front of him.

  Timmy leaned over and whispered with great satisfaction, “Mr. Smith, you have been bested.”

  The words sent Smith into a tizzy, and he screamed and shouted in furious rage. His outburst was met by a sturdy lashing before the constables stuffed him headfirst into the waiting paddy wagon. Numerous other men were led to the transport in chains. Among them were several election officials, as well as Leland and the other So-Sos in attendance.

  Chief Constable Cuffburn still stood in front of the crowd. He signaled to his side and a rough looking, but smiling, man approached. It was Reginald T. Jenkins, Genny’s father.

  “This man had been wrongly imprisoned for Smith’s past crimes," the chief announced. "It is with humility that we exonerate him of any wrong-doing and release him from his bonds.”

  Genny, who had been looking on in utter shock, rushed her father and hugged him tightly. They danced and swayed, replacing years of horror and sorrow with a pure and powerful moment of relief and love. The people of Southrump cheered the announcement.

  Their exaltation didn’t end there though. The remaining election officials had been discussing what to do. As it was clear the results included fraudulent and improper votes, a recalculation was done. The head official then took the podium.

  “As a result of these new facts, we, The College of Southrump Electors, amend our previous proclamation and declare Mr. Gabriel Goldhand the new and acting mayor of Upper Southrump!”

  Again, the people roared with excitement. They shouted, hooted, and hollered as Gabriel took the podium.

  “Men and women of Upper Southrump, I am almost at a loss for words. This is truly a momentous day for me, and while I hope you’ll forgive a brief moment of celebration on my part, I want each and every one of you to know that as mayor, I will act only in your service. You have put me in this position, and it is you to whom I answer.”

  Mr. Goldhand’s remarks were met with another round of cheers.

  “I am happy to see Constable Cuffburn has begun to carry out a critical tenant of my new administration, weeding out the corruption that has so long plagued our society. That is why, with full confidence, I formally appoint Randolph Cuffburn the permanent chief constable of Upper Southrump.”

  Gabriel and Randolph exchanged a hearty handshake.

  “Now, if I may offer one more decree in these, my first minutes as mayor,” stated the red-cheeked fellow, “I would like The Royal Perfects to join me at the podium.”

  As the eleven men shuffled out of the crowd, the people yelled in great spirits. They patted the Perfects on the back and celebrated their joint appearance.

  Surrounded by his loyal friends, Gabriel quieted the commotion with waves of his hand.

  “Let it be known that as of this moment, the ban on The Royal Perfects has been officially lifted!”

  Another roar rang out, and the troupe shared hugs and congratulations amongst the clamor.

  “Tomorrow,” continued Mr. Goldhand, “I propose we hold a public celebration in Sooty Stoops honoring these good men, that is, if they agree to favor us with a performance at the festival.”

  Timmy stepped forward, nodding his agreement. He embraced Gabriel, and the men and women of Southrump saluted them. The sound was so loud, one could easily reason it would be heard on the moon.

  Gabriel thanked the
people once more before stepping down and making his way toward the mayor’s house, his house. Advisors from various city departments were there, waiting, prepared to make introductions and brief Gabriel on the most pressing matters. Mrs. Goldhand met him first, however, and delivered her husband a warm hug and joyous peck.

  As the crowd began to disperse, Timmy, Bugs, and the other Perfects were still gathered together.

  “Timmy,” Bugs asked in astonishment, “How? How did you…”

  “The Shillings Library,” Timmy stated with a crafty smile. “When we were running from Smith, I swapped the ledger out for a similar-looking book on one of the shelves. With all the commotion at that moment, it took quite some time to recall just which shelve I had hid it on, but I eventually found it.”

  Bugs just laughed. Timmy had once again proven to be a man of immense ingenuity.

  “Now, let’s get home, lads,” said Wicketts. “We have a show to prepare for.”

  The eleven men happily, and with great relief, made their way down the mansion steps. Timmy, however, paused to look back toward the eternal target of his affection and was immediately embraced by a leaping Genny. They shared a kiss of historic passion, a wonderful moment of bliss. It was a soulful exchange of emotion and tenderness.

  After releasing from their shared caress, they said nothing, only partaking in the forged love in each other’s eyes. Genny slowly walked toward her father, and Timmy toward his friends.

  In the months following Gabriel Goldhand’s appointment, the town of Upper Southrump was enlivened and energetic. Keeping to his promise and aided by Randolph Cuffburn, Gabriel worked tirelessly to end past practices of greed and malfeasance among the numerous governmental and business entities in the city. Their efforts yielded great effect, and soon, a renaissance of entrepreneurship and hope grew among the people.

  Freed from their unjust social confines, the Perfects wasted no time getting back to what they did best, performing. They landed a deal with another tavern owner through Gabriel’s recommendation. After a great stint there, routinely performing to packed houses and public acclaim, Sir Snoots proposed they make the leap to self-made marketers by constructing a theater of their very own.

  Within the year, the Rhombus Theater was built in the birthplace of the company, Sooty Stoops. It was a marvelous place with all the necessary amenities needed for a first-class house of show. There had been some debate as to whether Sooty Stoops was the best location for such a place. Snoots reasoned that Central District would have attracted a higher, wealthier class of patron, but Timmy and Bugs protested.

  They had cut their teeth in the Stoops and felt they owed it to that community. In addition, Timmy knew that if the quality and popularity of their performances held fast, it would draw more people into the impoverished shire, people who may not otherwise venture there. This idea proved true. As the Perfects gained increasing public notoriety and fame, more and more people came to see their shows.

  Oftentimes, these were people of money and culture. Seeing the success of such an artistic endeavor taking root in the Stoops, many keen businessmen and lovers of theater invested in the neighborhood. Specialty shops, restaurants and art galleries popped up everywhere. Soon, the Stoops was no longer a slum and industrial wasteland, it was becoming the heart of culture in Upper Southrump.

  With the new theater also came a new play, one later looked upon as the supreme masterpiece of The Royal Perfects. Timmy had been scripting the production for a very long time. Inspiration had come in short bursts here and there, but when the Rhombus was built, all agreed an original, and absolutely marvelous, work must accompany its opening. That play came in the form of Infinite Meat.

  The story revolved around a butcher named Brady Blockcut. The entire town of Noggers Knob was in the grip of a meat shortage, and Brady was fast losing his income. So what is a threatened businessman butcher to do? Easy, make a deal with Lucifer.

  The Devil granted Brady a cow capable of producing infinite meat. With every chop of a limb, another grew instantly back. But in exchange for the magical bovine, Brady had to pay a dear cost, pledging his soul the Lord of Darkness himself.

  Overcome with the temptation of instant profit, Brady made the deal, but, in a malicious twist, he substituted his soul for that of his only daughter. There’s always a catch when dealing with Mephistopheles, however, and sometimes two or three. Not only did the cow’s meat taste like chicken, not beef, the creature could talk and would scream in utter agony every time a cut was made. The emotional toll of procuring meat grated on Brady, and when his customers began returning and demanding refunds because they had purchased beef and not the chicken they tasted, the butcher was pushed to the edge of insanity.

  What’s more, his daughter was spending an eternity in hell due to her father’s selfish greed. But even hell can become heaven when two souls find love. Such was the case with the Devil and Brady’s daughter.

  It was, by far, the most complex production Timmy had ever written and the Perfects had ever performed. They were forced to hirer another actor. That actor’s name was George Thistlebeard, Timmy’s old cellmate from the Grinder.

  George had been released a few months earlier for good behavior. It also didn’t hurt that Timmy had put in a good word with Randolph Cuffburn. The first thing Thistlebeard did upon regaining his freedom was seek out his past love, Amelia.

  It was not to be, however. Amelia had not waited. She had moved on, leaving town with another man and no idea of her future whereabouts. That left George alone and without a clear direction.

  But soon, an idea came to him. He overheard two farmhands discussing a play they had seen called One Comment Too Many. It was a Perfect play and George immediately thought of Timmy. He traveled to Upper Southrump and met up with his friend. Timmy told the others about his acting skills, how he had pretended to be insane for years in order to avoid the harshness of prison. George was immediately welcomed into the fold.

  Now twelve strong, the Perfects could perform Infinite Meat, and perform they did. The play was an instant success, garnering more acclaim than any theater show they had ever put on. The hype was so grandiose it even traveled beyond the confines of Upper Southrump. Soon, The Royal Perfects’ reputation spread throughout England, and then to all of Europe.

  The pinnacle of their success came when Queen Victoria herself attended one of the shows. Afterward, a representative offered the Perfects an unprecedented opportunity. The Queen was interested in using a new technology called the wheel of life, a device capable of capturing moving pictures on film, to produce a series of P.S.A.s, or Proclamations for Societal Advancement. These P.S.A.s were to be presented on projection screens at social gatherings and community houses all over the country in the hope of educating the public about the issues of the day and matters of public health and well-being.

  It was a lucrative and exciting opportunity that the Perfects could not pass up. Heck, the Queen herself was asking. So they made the P.S.A.s, being, perhaps, the earliest actors to ever be captured on film.

  Those rough artifacts of cinema became the last original, public work to bear The Royal Perfects' name. The acting company rode a wave of popularity and fortune for a few years more, but as with all matters of time and history, things eventually came to an end.