Slate: The Salacious Story of a Hollywood Casting Director

by Rowe, Brian

  Lila took off her sunglasses and smiled, her pearly whites making themselves known to all interested parties around her. “It was a joke, sweetie.”

  A waiter appeared almost instantly. Lila seemed to take offense when he didn’t acknowledge her presence.

  “Would you care for some bread?” he asked.

  Lila stared into the waiter’s eyes with an immediate sexual desire, even though he looked about forty years her junior. “What kind of bread do you have, my dear?”

  “White.”

  “That sounds good. We’ll have that.”

  “Uhh, OK,” he said. “Can I get you ladies anything to drink?”

  “What’s your name?” Lila asked, removing her sunglasses.

  He hesitated at first. “My name’s Wesley.”

  “Do you mind if I call you Wes?”

  “Uhh, that’s fine, I guess.” He looked to be in his early twenties. He had short brown hair and a tan. Vivien didn’t find him all that attractive, and she didn’t know why Lila was making such a fuss.

  Lila smiled, again granting her teeth an appearance. “How old do you think I am, honey?”

  “I’m sorry?”

  “Think of it as a game. Just guess. How old?”

  The waiter didn’t seem to like where this conversation was headed. “I’d rather not.”

  “Try me.”

  “Umm...”

  “Yes?”

  “Fifty?”

  Vivien could see the formation of Lila’s mouth turn from a flirtatious smile to the snarl of a pit bull.

  “Thank you,” Lila said. “You may go now.”

  The waiter nodded, briefly, and turned to Vivien. “Did either of you want something to drink?”

  “Go!” Lila shouted.

  He looked thankful to have a reason to run the other way.

  “Fifty,” Lila said, bringing her hands up to her face and looking at Vivien. “Is this the face of a fifty-year-old?”

  “Of course not.”

  Lila shook her head and laughed. “The nerve of that guy. I swear.”

  Vivien made a pouty face. “Well, to give the guy credit, he actually guessed pretty close.”

  “Shame on you,” Lila said. “Any guess above forty is a guess that is wrong. Nobody will ever know my real age. You know that.”

  “Well, what about the Internet? Your age is on there.”

  The waiter returned with some food. Lila looked ready to cut his throat as she grabbed the breadbasket from him and started buttering the smallest slice.

  “I know,” Lila said. “I’ve tried to change my age on that fucking Internet Movie Database website so many times I’ve lost count. Nobody works at that company. It’s so hard to get things removed from your page. Did you know I’ve been credited for an episode of Dallas that I never even shot? They list me with a character name and everything.”

  “Yeah, well, good for you,” Vivien said, taking a piece of bread for herself. “I’m credited as a casting consultant on Speed 2: Cruise Control, even though I was long gone from Fox at that time. The only advice I ever gave on that film was to pay Keanu Reeves anything he wanted. The executives ignored me.”

  “How’s your family?” Lila asked, changing the subject. “How’s little Gavin?”

  “Not little anymore. The kid’s dating, if you can believe it.”

  “Really? That must be weird for you.”

  “You have no idea,” Vivien said.

  “Has he gotten any new acting jobs?”

  “He has an audition on Friday for a series regular on a pilot. He’s been preparing for it like crazy. I’m crossing my fingers.”

  “Your son is so close to stardom, it’s ridiculous. Getting that part in the Nicolas Cage movie was step one. All he needs is that one casting director to give him the second big opportunity, the kind of opportunity I haven’t gotten in years.” Lila started buttering another slice of bread. “Do you ever think about that, Viv? About how your decisions can literally change lives?”

  “Not since I started casting indies.”

  “Oh don’t be such a stick in the mud. You make interesting casting choices all the time. You put Mary-Kate Olsen in that stripper role, for Pete’s sake.”

  Vivien pushed the breadbasket aside so as not to fatten herself up with any more carbs.

  “Who am I kidding, Lila? I’m in the lazy stage of my career where most of the films I cast never see the light of day, and when they do, it’s on the bottom rung of the video shelves.”

  Lila kept up her positive attitude. “No, I refuse to feel sorry for you. You have an exciting project just around the corner, I can feel it. Especially if you cast me in it.”

  “What have you been working on lately, anyway?”

  “Well my agent gets me audition after audition, but they’re all bullshit. They’re all tiny parts in SAG modified low budget features, and what I really want to do is television. When I did that arc on Cheers back in the 80’s, I swear it was pure bliss. Now I’m relegated to guest stars, if I’m lucky. You know my agent actually sent me out on a co-star role?”

  “You’re joking.”

  “No.” Lila looked around her to make sure nobody was listening. “I arrived at the audition space, prepared as can be. I get in the room, and it’s these two young kids who looked no older than fifteen, and they tell me that most of my scenes had been cut, the character’s last name was dropped, and the role was condensed to four lines. I just about spat in their pre-pubescent faces.”

  “So what did you do?”

  “I just left.”

  “You left?”

  “It bruises my ego enough to still have to audition after all these years,” Lila said. “I mean, don’t people know my work by now? It’s ridiculous.”

  “Yeah, I still have to interview for casting gigs. After twenty years. It’s insulting.”

  “It’s humiliating.”

  “It’s ridiculous.”

  Lila turned to her left. “Where’d that fucking waiter go? I’m starving.”

  “I think you scared him off.

  Vivien was annoyed. She was hungry, too.

  But she was saving her appetite for something special.

  -6-

  Vivien gave her glove compartment a high five when she found a parking spot adjacent to the little cupcake shop known as Vanilla Dreams, a tiny hole-in-the wall that sat at the back of a shopping center in Burbank. While other casting directors liked to hold general meetings with actors at coffee shops and offices, Vivien preferred making an excuse to please her sweet tooth.

  She walked inside and found herself standing in line behind a married couple who looked to be nearing their ninetieth wedding anniversary.

  A chipper female employee wearing an obnoxious pink hat and purple button-up shirt greeted the old couple. “Welcome to Vanilla Dreams. How may I help you today?”

  The old woman turned to her husband. “What did she say?”

  “She said, what do you want.”

  “Well I don’t know what I want.”

  “Well you have to decide, honey. This young lady here wants to take our order.”

  Vivien wasn’t in a hurry by any means but she had zero patience for incompetence.

  Just die and do us all a favor.

  She cracked her neck a few times, and then noticed she had some text messages on her phone. She checked to see two messages from Brandon telling her about cancellations for Friday’s casting session.

  But then Vivien saw something strange. She blinked and re-focused her eyes on the phone to make sure what she was seeing was real.

  She had a text from Patrick. He had never text her in his entire life.

  He seemed to have done it quickly too, as if he hadn’t been secretly pondering to do it all day.

  THINKING OF U was all the text said.

  Vivien forgot all about the living dead in front of her and read the three words over and over again. Then she read them again. She didn’t even realize her husband
knew that one could substitute ‘u’ for ‘you’ in a text message.

  She checked one last time to make sure that this truly was from her husband’s cell phone. It was. She smiled and put her phone away. She figured it best to leave it be and not answer him back. She thought that maybe he could get lucky tonight.

  If he’s a good boy.

  “Excuse me, ma’am?”

  Vivien looked up to see that the old couple had vanished.

  “What can I get you?” the girl asked.

  Vivien analyzed the wall of flavors and thought maybe she should try something new for a change. But it was Wednesday. And tradition had to stay put.

  “I’ll go with the pumpkin.”

  “Latte for me, please,” a voice said behind her.

  She recognized the voice immediately and turned around. Garrett Skyler, once an adorable child actor, was now a twenty-one-year-old hunk.

  “Garrett! Hi!”

  They hugged like old friends, even though she hadn’t seen him in forever.

  “It’s so good to see you,” Vivien said. “How are you?”

  “I’m doing good,” he said, revealing his swoon-worthy smile. “Really good, actually. I’m working a lot. Keeping busy. How about you?”

  “Oh, you know me. When you’re busy, I’m busier.” Vivien looked him over. She liked what she saw. “You look great, Garrett.”

  Great was underselling it. Spectacular seemed the appropriate word.

  Vivien started auditioning little Garrett Skyler back in her studio days when he was just six years old. She cast him in his first major studio movie, and she got to see him grow over the years from child actor to teen heartthrob. He was cast as the lead in a popular show called Teen Vamp at age fourteen, and he immediately hit the A-list. With each passing year, it became more difficult to get Garrett to audition for her, and she hadn’t seen him in at least a year.

  “So I took this meeting with you today,” she said as the two took their seats at a table outside, “because I wanted to catch up on your career and also to see the young man you’ve become. My God, the ladies must be crawling all over you.”

  “Thank you,” he said, taking a sip of his latte. “But I’m a one-woman man now. I’m getting married next year.”

  “Oh wow! Congratulations!”

  “Her name’s Shelby. We’re getting married on her birthday next June.”

  “That’s so romantic. I can’t believe how fast you’ve grown up.”

  She tousled his hair, as if he were six again. He looked displeased.

  “No?” she asked, instantly embarrassed at her inappropriate behavior. “You used to love when I messed with your hair.”

  He didn’t respond. He straightened up in his chair and took another sip of his drink.

  She needed to change the subject fast. She started unwrapping her cupcake, revealing a large swirl of cream cheese smothered atop a mountain of pumpkin perfection. “Mmm. This looks delicious.”

  “Yeah, wow, that does look pretty good.”

  “Care for a taste?”

  She pushed her cupcake over to him. She hadn’t even taken a bite yet. He shook his head and started pushing the cupcake back.

  “You sure?” she asked.

  “Yeah, I’m fine.”

  “You’re missing out.”

  As she pulled the cupcake back to her side of the table, her elbow caught the edge of his latte.

  In what seemed to play out in slow motion, Garrett’s drink tipped to the left, then to the right, and then all over his shirt and pants. He pushed his chair back and jumped to his feet.

  “Fuck!”

  “Oh my God! Garrett! I’m so sorry!”

  He grabbed the only napkin on the table and started rubbing down his t-shirt and jeans.

  “I’m really sorry,” Vivien said. “Do you need me to get you another napkin?”

  “No, it’s fine. I have a change of clothes in my car.”

  Garrett walked to the parking lot and was back at their table in less than a minute. He held a tank top and gym shorts under his arm.

  “I was going to the gym after this anyway.”

  Vivien remained sitting. “Well, again, I’m sorry. Don’t know why I’m so clumsy.”

  Garrett glanced around to make sure nobody was watching and in one swift move, he took off his tan shirt to reveal an even tanner body.

  Look at his face. Don’t look away from his face.

  She tried to focus on his eyes, his chin, anything.

  Goddammit, you sick bitch. He’s a child. Keep your eyes on his face.

  She couldn’t help it. Her eyes found the sumptuous sight of Garrett’s hairless chest. His body screamed perfection. From neck to belly button, he was a wonder to behold. Garrett stretched for a quick second, allowing just enough time for Vivien to catch a glimpse of the hair resting inside his armpits.

  And then Garrett started to undo his belt.

  Please, no.

  She could hear the sound of the prison bars clanging shut.

  You sick horny bitch. Stop it.

  She couldn’t help it. She imagined a car coming up behind him, splashing his whole body with water. She imagined he would then be convinced to remove all his clothes, revealing his tighty whities, and his large, pulsating penis.

  He undid the belt.

  Vivien couldn’t believe she was the only person in the vicinity with a vagina witnessing this moment.

  She cleared her throat. “So. Do you work out a lot?”

  His phone started vibrating. “Hold on. Give me a minute.”

  Garrett walked inside the cupcake shop, presumably to use the bathroom. Vivien looked out on the busy street, wondering if she should just make a run for it, knowing that this general meeting couldn’t get any more awkward, or more incriminating.

  Finally the boy returned, said he had to run to meet with his agent at Creative Artists Agency, and gave Vivien a goodbye hug. She hugged him back, not like a woman nearing an orgasm, but as a mother wishing her son a great first day at school.

  Before he left, Garrett ran to his car and brought Vivien back his glossy piece of advertising material. His picture on the front was serious and mature, and all the credits on the back were up to date.

  “My newest headshot. Enjoy.”

  “I will,” she said.

  -7-

  Vivien was shoving a plate of sweet potato fries in the oven and trying her best not to think about Garrett Sexypants when her son walked in the front door hand in hand with a girl.

  Buster started barking, and Vivien turned to her right. Kendyll was lighter-skinned than she expected. She looked like a young Halle Berry.

  “Mom,” Gavin boasted proudly, as if he were showing off his own Academy Award, “this is Kendyll. Kendyll, this is my mom.”

  Kendyll nodded. “Hello Mrs. Slate. It’s very nice to meet you.”

  “Pleasure.”

  Vivien walked back to the kitchen, wanting to avoid any further conversation with the temptress. But Kendyll followed. Gavin kneeled down and started playing with Buster.

  “What are you making?” the girl asked.

  “Oh, nothing special. Just some turkey burgers with avocado—”

  “So Gavin tells me you’re a casting director?” Kendyll blurted out the question without any transition or hesitation.

  Vivien chuckled. “That’s right, dear.”

  “I was wondering if you could possibly help me get an acting job?”

  Vivien just stared at her, dumbfounded at the girl’s tenacity. “I beg your pardon?”

  “You put actors in movies, right?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Well, I want to be in a movie.”

  Vivien had to keep her hand on her spatula to keep from bringing her fist against the obnoxious girl’s face.

  “Well, do you have an agent?”

  Kendyll jumped up on the kitchen counter and started dangling her feet in the air as if she were relaxing by a summer pool. “I have a
commercial agent. But I think I can do better.”

  “I’ll have to look at your reel. Do you have a reel?”

  “Duh.”

  Gavin thankfully appeared to take the annoying girl away. He grabbed Kendyll’s arm and pulled her out of the kitchen. Vivien gave her the evil eye as Gavin guided her toward his bedroom. She didn’t appreciate being taken advantage of, especially by young girls who were already taking advantage of her own child.

  I swear, if she hurts my little boy…

  The front door opened again, and this time the dog didn’t bark. That meant Daddy was home.

  “Hi Dad!” Gavin called from the living room as he took Kendyll into his bedroom, softly shutting the door behind him.

  Vivien threw her spatula on the kitchen sink. “Hey! Gavin!”

  There was silence for a moment, and then some giggling.

  He poked his head out of his bedroom door, just as Patrick entered the living room. “Yes, Mother?”

  “You keep your door open, you hear me! You keep it open!”

  Patrick appeared to Vivien’s right. “That’s right, boy. Listen to your mother.”

  Kendyll waved to Patrick. “Hi Mr. Hess.”

  “Hi Kendyll. Nice to see you again.”

  Patrick grabbed a slice of cheddar cheese and started nibbling on it. Vivien picked up her spatula and turned it toward Patrick as if it were a weapon.

  “Wait a second,” she said. “You’ve seen her before?”

  Patrick leaned against the kitchen counter and smiled. “Honey, don’t get mad. I’ve been meaning to tell you. She’s come over a few times. In the day.”

  “What!” She was shocked.

  “It’s fine. It’s innocent. Gavin brings her over to study. That’s all.”

  “To study? What are you, a fucking moron? My God, I can’t believe I’m hearing this!”

  Patrick just laughed. “Don’t worry. I checked in on them on my lunch break. They’re playing by the rules.”

  “Yeah, but what happens when you’re not on your lunch break?”

  “Gavin’s a good kid. You need to start believing that.”

  “When he’s eighteen, he can do whatever the hell he wants. Right now? He has no right to have girls over unsupervised!”

  Patrick reached for one of the sliced avocados on the kitchen counter when Vivien slapped his hand away.