by A. T Brennan
He was also feeling shitty for what he’d done to Kenzie, again.
He’d wanted to call her, to see if she wanted to get together, but he’d put it off because he didn’t know what to do. He had feelings for her, very strong feelings, and they scared him. He’d fallen for her in such a short time and he’d never felt this kind of connection with anyone else, and it was terrifying.
He’d spent years building up a false persona to keep people out. He was cocky, a bit of a jerk, and he flirted and teased, but he never opened up. He pretended he was fine and confident and happy when he was struggling with the simplest of things. He didn’t want to be the way he was. He didn’t want to live the life he was living, but he didn’t know how to change.
He wasn’t ready to give Kenzie what she deserved. It would be best for her if he just stayed away and let her find someone who was a better man than him.
* * *
The night of the party Tyler was feeling sorry for himself. It was Saturday night, and he hadn’t left his house for any reason other than to go to the gym or the grocery store in a week. He was supposed to go back to work the next day and he was doing a mid-shift, so he was working from three until eleven p.m.
It would seem the company was trying to ease him back to work after nearly being killed, so he was on five days of these eight hour shifts before they were moving him back to four days of tens and twelves.
That meant he didn’t have to get up in the morning, and he really didn’t feel like sitting in his apartment drinking by himself, again.
He was feeling bad about himself and he had two vices when it came to dealing with self-pity—booze and women. He wanted to call Kenzie to see her again, but he couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t toy with her like that, and he couldn’t hurt her again.
He was feeling like a complete bastard and he wanted to feel wanted. He wanted to prove to himself that he was still the cocky playboy he’d learned to project. He could still go out and get that gorgeous woman. That he could flirt and tease and get laid. He wanted to prove to himself that he was still the same person he’d been before he’d been shot at, and that he wasn’t in love with Kenzie.
He wanted to forget about her, how he felt, and how much he connected with her. He wanted to be shallow and reckless, and he wanted to stop feeling so much.
He showered and took a little extra time getting ready. He made sure to pick out a light green t-shirt that was just tight enough to show off his physique, but loose enough to skim his body instead of clinging to it, and a pair of worn, straight legged jeans that hung low on his hips. It was a casual outfit and it made him look as if he didn’t care and he wasn’t trying, which was exactly the look he was going for.
When he was ready to go he grabbed his phone and his keys, then checked his wallet to make sure he had enough cash on him for drinks and a cab before he headed out.
* * *
The bar he’d picked wasn’t packed even though it was a Saturday night. As he stood at the bar looking around and checking out the other patrons, he was grateful. It was early enough that it was between crowds. Those who had come for food and to sit in groups were gone and the live music hadn’t started yet so the dancing and music crowd hadn’t shown up yet. Right now was the in-between crowd; those that were left over from the food and sit in groups crowd and the early birds of the music and dance crowd.
There were lots of groups of women around and he checked them out. Some were way too young for him, others were too old. Some were a mix of average and gorgeous, and some just didn’t do it for him. There were a few groups that had some very attractive women in them. Quite a few kept looking at him, silently inviting him over, but he didn’t want to make the first move. He wanted a confident and aggressive woman, he wanted to be sought out.
He took a swig of his beer and pulled out his phone, pretending to look through it for a minute before putting it away and leaning casually against the bar as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Eventually someone would come to him. They always did.
Ten minutes later an absolutely gorgeous blonde in a miniskirt and a top tight enough to show him every inch of her body and obviously enhanced bust, and her equally gorgeous, similarly dressed and enhanced brunette friend came up to him with almost predatory looks in their eyes.
That was the look he’d been waiting for, and he gave them a lazy grin.
“My friend and I have a bet,” the blonde spoke up.
“Really, anything I can help with?” he asked casually as he made a point of looking each of them up and then down, grinning appreciatively as he did.
“I think that you’re waiting for your girlfriend,” the brunette spoke up.
“And I think you’re here waiting for your guy friends,” the blonde said as she stepped a little closer to him.
“Well, ladies.” He took another drink of his beer, making sure to flex a little as he did. “You’re both wrong. I’m here waiting for you.”
Everything about the exchange was cheesy and fake, but he knew it would work. The women just laughed and turned the charm up tenfold as they moved even closer to him. It was a game. Everything about this was a game, but the game got him results.
“I’m Tyler.”
“My name is Hailey,” the blonde said, putting out her hand.
“Hello, Hailey,” he said, making sure to put a little extra inflection on her name and to give her a private little smile as he shook her hand.
“I’m Janet,” the brunette spoke up when he let go of Hailey’s hand.
“Hi, Janet,” he said as he turned to her, giving her the same treatment as her friend.
“Can I buy you ladies a drink?” he asked as he looked between them. Either of them would do for the night and he didn’t want to alienate one of them and risk the other choosing to go with her friend. He’d do the dance, talk the talk and play the game until he decided which one he wanted more.
* * *
Ever since she’d spoken with Melissa, Kenzie couldn’t get their conversation out of her head.
She wasn’t good at confrontation. She wasn’t good at telling people what she was thinking or feeling, and she really wasn’t good at putting herself out there, but she wanted to change.
She was passive aggressive, she knew that and she’d always been that way. Add her social anxiety and her shyness to the mix and she was pretty much unable to reach out to people or say the right things when they reached out to her, but she didn’t want to be that way anymore.
Melissa had not only hit the nail on the head, but she’d also hit a nerve when she’d said she was letting people walk all over her. She’d tried to fool herself into thinking that she was just being easy going and accommodating, but it was true. She let people take advantage of her, and she did it because she’d been abused.
When she’d been living with her ex she’d learned to be invisible, to blend in and to be neutral as a way to survive. If she did what he wanted and acted how he expected then he didn’t focus on her and he didn’t hurt her because of anything she did, only when he needed an outlet. After five years of being in survival mode it was hard to shake the habit, and she’d pretty much been acting the same way with everyone she met.
She’d always been shy and awkward, but her anxiety hadn’t been nearly as bad until she’d been abused. She’d been alone and lonely but she hadn’t been invisible, and she hadn’t wanted to be.
She knew it would take time to change how she felt but she’d spent a year in therapy, she knew all about pushing herself outside of her comfort zone to make things that caused her to be anxious seem less threatening. She knew all about cognitive behavior therapy and learning to link her feelings with her thoughts and emotions. If she could change how she thought about something then she could theoretically change how it made her feel. She knew all of this, but putting it into practice was difficult for her.
She needed to take baby steps, and the first thing she had to tackle was what was going on between her and
Tyler. Even if he never wanted to talk to her again she needed that resolution. She needed closure. She needed to know one way or another that it was over or there was still a chance, and if there was a chance then she had to know he was telling her the truth and not just what he thought she wanted to hear.
She wouldn’t be able to look at any other part of her life until this was resolved. She had to talk to him.
It was Saturday night and she was sure he’d be busy, but that was actually the ideal time to try and get hold of him in her passive aggressive mind. If he didn’t answer she could leave a message and then he would call her back. If he didn’t then she would have her answer, and if he did then she would get an answer.
It was the perfect way to reach out to him and not have to actually be the one to put herself out first.
She waited until it was after eleven. It should be early enough that he wasn’t in bed and it should be late enough that he’d be out or in the middle of something. He wasn’t supposed to go back to work until the next day. It was as good a time as any.
It took her a full minute to gather the nerve to call him, and even as it was ringing she could feel her pulse racing as she fought the overwhelming urge to hang up.
After seven rings an electronic sounding voice told her that the person she was calling was unavailable and their voicemail was full so she should try again later.
As she hung up the phone she just stared at it. That had not gone how she’d expected. He would probably see that she’d called, but without leaving any sort of message she couldn’t be sure he would check his logs or that her call would register.
She just tapped on his contact info and switched to a text message. She would just message him.
* * *
Tyler was in the bathroom leaning against the counter as he looked at himself in the mirror. He’d done what he needed to do and he was stalling going back. He’d been gone for longer than he could explain, but he needed a few more minutes. He was trying to get his head straight, and he was trying to make sure he could keep up his act. He didn’t feel all that great about himself, he was feeling like an ass of the worst kind.
He took a couple of deep breaths, then left the bathroom and headed down the hall, adding a little swagger to his step and letting a carefree and confident look fall over his face. It was all an act. Everything about tonight was an act.
“Miss me?” he asked Hailey teasingly as he came into her room.
She was still lounging in her bed where he’d left her and she had her phone in her hands as she looked up at him.
“Was beginning to think you got lost,” she said with a grin.
“Someone call?” he asked as he sidled up to the bed.
“Nope.” She grinned and put her phone back on her night table.
He sat down on the bed with her, but kept about a foot of space between them.
Hailey had been the one he’d picked. She seemed to have a slightly sharper sense of humor and her flirting had been a touch more aggressive than Janet. He’d told them he worked in security, and when he’d said that he was a veteran and had been injured in the service they’d both been all over him. He hadn’t told them about his leg, and he’d told Hailey he was in a temporary place while he was looking to buy so she’d immediately suggested her apartment.
It was all part of the game. It was half-truths and whole lies and it did the trick. They’d cabbed to her place, but after only a moment of kissing he’d had to pull back. Something felt wrong.
It wasn’t right. He didn’t want another empty night of meaningless sex. He didn’t want a random hook up, and he didn’t want to go through the motions anymore. Even now that he was sitting on Hailey’s bed and looking at her, he felt nothing. She was gorgeous and aggressive and everything he usually wanted, but she wasn’t Kenzie.
Kenzie was the woman he was thinking about, and he didn’t want anyone else.
He couldn’t do it. He wasn’t exactly sure how he was going to get out of it, but he would find a way.
One of the reasons he’d wanted to go to her place wasn’t just because his place was a bit of an embarrassment, but because it made it easier to leave when he wanted to. He’d already dropped a few hints that he had to work the next day, leaving out the part about how it wasn’t until the afternoon. He would find a way to leave without being an ass or making her feel rejected, then he would wish her well and head home. He had a six pack in his fridge waiting for him and no reason to wake up before noon.
* * *
Kenzie was shocked when her phone beeped about a minute after she’d texted Tyler.
She’d written the first thing that had come to mind and she’d hit send before she could chicken out. She hadn’t even double checked her spelling or see if it had been autocorrected, so she actually couldn’t be sure her message had said what she’d meant it to.
As she picked up her phone she was confused. He’d answered her text in less than sixty seconds but he hadn’t answered her call? Was he somewhere like the movies where he couldn’t talk but could text?
She just went to her messages and clicked on the new one from him.
She almost dropped her phone at what she saw, and she could barely stop the tears that sprang into her eyes as she looked away from the screen.
She’d expected him to say that he would call her later, or give her a time to call him. Maybe even tell her that he didn’t think calling her would be the best idea. She’d never expected a picture message.
She took a deep breath and looked at the message that she’d sent him, wondering what had actually been sent.
Hey Tyler, call me when you get a chance. I think we should talk.
Simple, right to the point and no weird autocorrect or spelling or grammar mistakes. She then looked at the message that had been sent back to her.
Sry hun tylers bsy
The message definitely had spelling mistakes and no grammar whatsoever, but it got the point across just as well as the photo of the gorgeous blonde smiling at her in a room that definitely wasn’t his.
Tyler was busy alright, he was with someone else. Someone she could never be.
She just backtracked out of her messages and put her phone down as she fought the tears in her eyes. She managed to keep them back for about ten seconds before they started to fall and she just gave in to them. Tyler had moved on. He wasn’t even thinking about her.
Chapter Fourteen
Two days later Kenzie was miserable. She was supposed to go back to work the next day, and she didn’t know how she would spend twelve hours pretending that she wasn’t hurting. She hated to do it, but she called Melissa to see if they could talk.
Melissa had invited her over at eight-thirty again, and when she’d gotten there Melissa already had two glasses of wine poured out for them.
“Sit, drink, then talk,” Melissa instructed as soon as Kenzie had kicked off her shoes and come into the living room.
She sat, took a very liberal drink, and then sighed. “I called Tyler.”
“He didn’t want what you were hoping for?” Melissa asked when she paused.
“He didn’t answer.” She pulled out her phone. “So I texted him and I got this in response.” She opened the message and handed the phone over to Melissa.
“Whoa.” She stared at the photo. “Ouch.”
“Yeah.” Kenzie nodded. “And he didn’t even text back himself, or call later. He let her tell me he wasn’t interested. He couldn’t even tell me himself that I was a fool to think he could ever want more than just a lay.” She shook her head.
“That’s not a reflection on you,” Melissa said softly. “That was his choice. If he decided that was how he was going to handle things, it doesn’t have anything to do with you or what you’re worth.”
“I want to believe you, but I’m having a hard time remembering why I ever thought he’d want to be with me.”
“Kenzie—”
“Not just because he’s handsome, but because I’m s
o fucked up.” She sighed. “I’m shy, I’m awkward, I’m no beauty and I have enough baggage to fill a warehouse. Why would anyone want to get mixed up in that?”
“Everyone has baggage. Everyone has things about them they don’t like, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less worthy of being happy, or of finding someone who makes you happy.” She paused and looked at Kenzie. “Your ex, how did he abuse you?”
“In every way possible,” she said after a pause. Before her talk with Tyler she never would have been able to tell Melissa the details, it would have been too hard, but now that she’d faced the pain once she was able to lay out the truth without any shame or panic. Tyler might have hurt her with his rejection, but he’d helped her face her biggest demon.
“He belittled me, yelled at me and used my insecurities against me. He used psychological torture. He’d slam the door to let me know he was angry, leave knives around the house to threaten me and make me wonder what he was going to do when he came home. He cheated on me and never bothered to hide it. He isolated me and controlled every aspect of my life, from what money I had access to right down to what kinds of clothes I could wear. He hit me, bruised me, broke my bones and he cut me. He raped me and he’s the reason I can’t have kids.” She sighed as she looked into her glass. She’d never spelled it out like that before, and even listening to herself made her wonder how she’d survived his abuse for five years.
“You were tortured by this man, for years,” Melissa said gently. “How did it end?”
“He went to jail.” She looked up. “Someone else called the police and they found him beating and cutting me.” She looked away for a second. “Even after all of that, I couldn’t leave him, someone else had to step in and end it.”