Q*pid

by Xavier Mayne

  Reid smiled a little awkwardly. “Yeah. I… I’ve seen you around campus.”

  Drew was mortified. He had no recollection of having seen Reid before five minutes ago, when he entered the café and got in line to order his drink. “You have?”

  “Yeah. You used to study on the fourth floor of the main library, in one of those carrels by the windows?”

  Drew laughed. “Only every single day the entire year. That was when I was researching for my diss proposal. God, that was awful.”

  “It was less awful for me when you were there,” Reid said shyly. “I used to sit at the desk in the corner so I could see you when I looked up. You being adorable is what got me through my prelim exams.”

  Drew felt the heat rise in his cheeks. “Wow… I….”

  “I saw you a couple of times outside the library too, but both times you seemed to be on dates.” Reid paused, chewing his lower lip pensively. “With women.”

  If there were a book out of the millions in the entire library that dictated how to respond to such a remark, Drew would gladly have spent the next month searching every single shelf for it. He was on his own.

  “I… um… have dated women, I guess.” Now he sounded like an idiot. Reid knew he had dated women—he had just said so. “Until… um… recently.”

  Reid’s eyes narrowed slightly. “How recently?”

  “You’re the… I mean, this is the first time I’ve ever… been on a date with—”

  “Fuck,” Reid said with a sigh. “Damn my luck.”

  “I’m sorry,” Drew blurted. “Did I say something wrong?”

  “No, I appreciate your honesty. Not every tourist provides that courtesy.”

  “I don’t understand. What do you mean ‘tourist?’”

  “It may surprise you to know that this is not the first ‘I’ve always dated women but I thought I might give guys a try’ date I’ve had. It always ends badly. Every damn time.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to do anything wrong.” Drew was confused and upset that he may have caused offense. “I only wanted to try—”

  “Stop,” Reid broke in. “Stop right there. You seem like a sweet person, Drew, but you’re about to say something that would make things a whole lot worse. Just so we’re clear, I’m not here so you can try something new. If you want to see what it’s like to get your ass pounded, you should have been using Grindr, not Q*pid. I’ve been there and done that—and I’ve pounded my share of straight ass in my day—but I’m looking for a relationship, not a hookup.” He paused and shook his head sadly. “I’ve always had a thing for the cute, smart ones. I was really hoping this would work.”

  “I wasn’t looking for sex,” Drew said, now wounded as well as baffled. “I really wanted to find out what it’s like to date a guy.”

  “What you’ll find,” Reid replied, “is that it is exactly the same as dating a woman. You find out if you have things in common, if you like the same movies or restaurants, if you can see a future together. The only thing different is the number of penises in bed. That’s what you need to get figured out. And I’m not looking down on you when I say you need to fire up Grindr and introduce your penis to some other penises. That’s a really important step in the journey you’re embarking on. Then, once you have that figured out, you can start looking for guys to date. Until then, you’re a tourist. And my stint as a tour guide is over—I’m looking for someone who’s serious.”

  Drew was devastated. He stared at the little puddle of milk he’d made earlier, feeling like an absolute cliché as tears flooded his eyes.

  “Drew, sweetie, look at me,” Reid said, his voice low and warm. “Good. Now, I’m getting the sense there’s more here than simple curiosity. Tell me what made you tap on my profile and set up this date.”

  “I met somebody. And I didn’t know what to do.”

  “You met a guy, right? A guy who made you think maybe you’re into guys?”

  Drew nodded. He wiped his eyes with a napkin.

  “Got it. We’ve all met that guy. Most people meet him before your age, but better late than never. Now, tell me about this guy.”

  “His name’s Fox.”

  Reid laughed. “Wow, that’s about the sexiest name ever.”

  Drew nodded. “We got matched up by Q*pid. Neither of us was looking for guys to date, but because of some computer glitch, we got matched. And I decided to send him a message.”

  “Wait, two straight guys got matched up? No way.” Reid laughed out loud. “Truth is stranger than fiction, I guess. What happened next?”

  “We met for a drink, just as friends, just to talk about how weird it was that we got matched up. Then we went to dinner. Well, he took me to dinner, because he’s this successful marketing guy and drives a Beamer.”

  “For your first boy-crush, you killed it,” Reid said, holding his fist out for a bump.

  “Thanks,” Drew said grimly.

  “What happened next?”

  “Since he’d paid for dinner, I invited him to my place the next week, where I could cook and not feel so poor.”

  “And how did that go?”

  Drew couldn’t stop the smile from appearing on his face. “It was really nice. We got drunk, and we ended up falling asleep on the couch. He let himself out at like three in the morning, and then the next day, since I felt awkward about the way he’d left, I invited him to a concert on campus. He brought Thai food, and we went to the concert.”

  “I don’t know how to break this to you, Drew, but you and Fox are already dating.”

  “I was starting to think that too,” Drew replied. “Especially when he asked me to spend last weekend with him at this resort on the coast.”

  “Holy fucking shit,” Reid cried. “You tell me you want to try dating a guy, and then you tell me about how you’re already practically moving in with a guy more amazing than anyone I’ve ever met. Present company excepted.”

  Drew laughed nervously. “Well, it didn’t go so well last weekend. First, he was a frenetic ball of energy, like if he stood still for more than two seconds he would implode. So we had an exhausting day sea kayaking, bicycling, and walking for hours on the beach.”

  “Sounds dreadful.”

  “It seemed to me that he was purposely trying to keep us busy so we didn’t have to think about how we were basically on a romantic getaway—I mean, you should have seen this cottage we were staying in—so I kind of forced his hand. I ordered dinner to be served by torchlight on the terrace overlooking the ocean.”

  “Dude, that’s like the most romantic thing I’ve ever even heard of, much less experienced.”

  “It kind of seemed that way to me, and I thought to him as well. But he wasn’t at all thinking we were having a romantic weekend, because once we were in bed—”

  “Together?”

  “Yeah, together,” Drew replied. “It was this superdeluxe cottage, but there was only one bed in the place.”

  Reid laughed and looked at the ceiling. “And somehow this wasn’t a romantic weekend. Did you at least do the straight guy thing and make a row of pillows down the middle of the bed and sleep in your clothes?”

  Drew felt his cheeks fire up again. “Actually, no. We’d fallen into bed drunk the first night, so then the second night we sort of did the same thing. And we were naked.”

  “You are killing me right now,” Reid cried. “Don’t you dare stop.”

  “Lying there next to him, in the moonlight, it felt like a moment that was only going to come once in a lifetime. So I reached out and touched him.”

  “Ooh.”

  “A little touch. On the arm. He freaked out. He yelled and threw my hand off him.”

  “Oh shit.”

  “Yeah, oh shit. And I was stupid enough to try again. I was only trying to get through to him, you know? Just trying to reach him.”

  “Did it work?”

  “Not so much. He basically shoved me out of the bed.”

  Reid’s eyebrows peaked i
n sympathy. “Sorry. That had to hurt.”

  “I don’t remember if it hurt, honestly. Because as soon as I hit the floor I jumped right back up and launched myself across the bed at him. I crashed into his chest headfirst and started whaling on him.”

  “Holy shit!”

  “Indeed. He staggered back against the wall, taking a lamp out as he went, and then wrestled me back onto the bed in a chokehold. That seemed like a dirty move to me, so I basically flipped him and squeezed the air out of him until he gave up.”

  “Is it wrong that I’m completely erect right now?” Reid whispered.

  Drew smiled. “I was too, let me tell you. I was desperately trying not to whack him with it as we wrangled.”

  “Okay, so this is both the most romantic and the hottest weekend I’ve ever heard of. But from what you said earlier, the weekend must have ended on a sour note. What happened?”

  “We had breakfast in bed Sunday morning and talked about what we were doing and where it was going. And even though I thought I had gotten through to him the night before, by daylight he was back to talking about us as friends. Then we went for a hike, and we stood on a cliff looking out over the ocean, and he thanked me for all I’d done for him that weekend. Which was, apparently, making him see that he needed to get back out there and date more women. We came back to the city, he dropped me off, and that was that.”

  Reid shook his head slowly. “Men,” he swore under his breath.

  “Tell me about it. So out of the wreckage of that weekend, I figured I would try to at least get my own shit figured out. And I wanted to test whether I could really be attracted to a guy, or if I had gotten so lonely that I had developed a weird hang-up on this one guy in particular.”

  “That’s completely insane.”

  “Why? Doesn’t it make sense to see whether I’m actually, you know, gay?”

  “Drew, I’m gonna level with you. What you call yourself doesn’t matter. And you can throw yourself at guys day and night, and all that’s going to get you is a new reputation and maybe a couple of STDs. It will not show you what you really need to see, which is that you have fallen in love—real, romantic, I-would-do-anything-for love. With Fox. There is nothing that the two of us could do tonight that will tell you anything you don’t already know about that. Do you want to suck a dick? Who cares—Fox has a dick, and you’ll figure out what to do with it when the time comes. Relax about the body parts and trust that your heart will not lead your body astray. And you know what your heart wants, don’t you?”

  Drew bit his lip.

  “Don’t you?”

  Drew nodded.

  “Excellent. Now, as much as it pains me to say this to the man I spent months dreaming about jumping in the stacks of the library, I want you to go hatch whatever kind of romantic-comedy plot is necessary to convince this Fox guy that he has already fallen in love with you. Because he has. He just needs you to show him.”

  Drew was silent for a long moment. “I don’t know how to thank you,” he finally said.

  “No thanks required. Everyone’s coming-out story is different, and this is yours. It’s a good one.”

  “I only hope it has a happy ending.”

  Chapter SIXTEEN

  “DREW, MY darling,” Mrs. Schwartzmann cried. “A lovely surprise this is.”

  “You called me, Mrs. Schwartzmann,” he said, because that was the next line in their Sunday morning script. “You said there was a problem in your kitchen?”

  “Yes, a problem there was,” she said, with a gleam in her eye. “My chair was wanting someone to sit in it. So please, can you help me?” She led him into the kitchen, her soft, dry laugh rasping along behind her.

  He shook his head but followed her obediently, taking his appointed place at her table. He laid the packet of sausages on the table. “I brought you these.”

  “Oh, did you have them lying around?”

  “No, Mrs. Schwartzmann, I made a special trip to the German butcher, like I do every week. I bought these for you, because I want to be sure you have something you like to eat. I worry about you not getting enough to eat.”

  She sank slowly in her chair, a frown forming on her face. “The truth we are now to each other telling?” she asked.

  “It’s something I’m experimenting with. I hope it might help me resolve things with Fox. But please, you are under no obligation to start telling me the truth. About anything. I would never want you to be anyone but who you are.”

  The bright smile returned to her face, and she nodded to silently acknowledge his permission. “A gentleman you are,” she said warmly. “Now, this Fox.” Without warning she grabbed up a fearsome knife and hacked a sizable chunk from the ring of pastry on the table. “Let us consider how to handle him.”

  “I would very much appreciate your advice,” he said. He’d never been so earnest.

  She nodded. “And my advice you shall have,” she said, rising from her chair. She picked up the butcher’s packet and walked to the stove. “First I will make these sausages cozy together in the pan. I think some sausages are happier when they are next to other sausages, don’t you?”

  “I think I’ve come to the right place for advice,” Drew replied.

  “HOLY SHIT,” Chad said by way of greeting as he rushed into the diner. “You look like hell. Did you sleep at all last night?”

  “No.” Fox didn’t look up.

  Chad slid into the booth opposite his friend. “So I take it the date last night didn’t go well.”

  “No.”

  “Mm-hmm. Want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

  “Then why are we here?”

  Fox stared at his coffee long enough for the waitress to bring Chad a cup of his own and for Chad to drink half of it.

  “We’re here,” Fox finally said, “because you called me three times in the space of a minute, and when I finally answered, you shrieked like a little girl and said I had to meet you here right the fuck now or you would come to my house and drag me here yourself.” He looked up at Chad acidly. “That’s why I’m here.” He tossed back the last of his coffee and slammed the mug down at the edge of the table, causing the waitress to jump up and hustle over with the pot. “Why you’re here, I couldn’t say.”

  “I’m here because last night was supposed to be Fox getting his groove back, and instead it turned into Fox getting his ass handed to him by a cruel and unfeeling world. That’s why I’m here.”

  “So you can watch the world hand me my ass? Nice. Thanks for the support.”

  “No, so I can shake you the hell out of whatever hellscape of dysfunction you’ve landed yourself in. Something’s seriously wrong.”

  “That much I’m clear on, but thanks for coming all the way down here to confirm it. I now have independent testimony that my life is completely fucked. Thanks.”

  “Your life is not what’s fucked,” Chad countered, dead serious. “What’s fucked is the entire fucking universe. If Fox Kincade is miserable and alone then there is no fucking justice for anyone. You’re the best person I know, and you cannot be sitting in front of me with your ass kicked by love. I cannot believe the universe is that broken.”

  Fox shrugged.

  “So tell me about your date last night. I want to understand what happened.”

  “What happened,” Fox said slowly, “is that I asked a ninety-three to my house for dinner, and she shat all over me.”

  “Not… literally?”

  Fox grunted disgustedly. “No, not literally.”

  “Good. Because I read about that happening to a guy, and it was—”

  “Shut the fuck up, will you? You asked me what happened, and I’m trying to tell you. Now shut up.”

  Chad nodded silently.

  “She was a psychotherapist, super successful, gorgeous, and about the nicest person you’d ever want to meet. Until after dinner when she goes off on me. Like, just opens up on me.”

  “What did she say?”

 
; Fox sat frowning for a long moment. “She said… well, she came up with this whole theory that I was in love with Drew.”

  Chad nodded, eyebrows up in expectation of more. Fox stared at him.

  “That’s it. That’s what happened.”

  “Okay.”

  Fox, baffled by Chad’s lack of outrage on his part, stumbled through the rest of the story. “So she tells me this, and then she up and grabs her coat and leaves. Oh, and she has the gall to congratulate me on finding a great guy.” He dropped his gaze back to his coffee. “Fuck.”

  Chad took a calm, measured breath, and exhaled slowly through his nose. “So what’s the problem?”

  Fox gaped across the table at his supposed best friend, who had suddenly lost his fucking mind. “What’s the problem?”

  “Yeah, what’s the problem? You’ve been seeing a lot of this guy, and you two ran off last weekend for a romantic getaway on the coast—”

  “It was not a romantic getaway on the coast.”

  “I wouldn’t know, since you haven’t told me anything about it. All I know is that you went away for the weekend with him. When you came back, you were ready to get back on the dating horse, but apparently you still have some issues to work through. Which, honestly, don’t sound like issues to me. It seems like a therapist would be able to recognize the signs of someone who has fallen in love, and in her opinion, you have. With a guy you’ve been seeing a lot more of than any woman you’ve dated in the last year. So I have to ask again, what’s the problem?”

  “I’m not gay, and I’m not in love with Drew.”

  “I never said you were the first one, and I have to agree with your therapist that you’re simply in denial about the second.”

  “She never said I was in denial.”

  “She said you were in love. If you say you aren’t, then you’re in denial. That’s what denial means.”

  Fox sighed in frustration. “I’m not gay.”

  “Why do you keep saying that? Who cares what you call it?”

  “I care, because I’m still 100 percent straight.”

  “Now you really sound like Thomas. Though I think he stuck with ‘99 percent straight’ so he didn’t sound like he was exaggerating defensively.”