“Well, he’s dressing a little differently, but he still looks nice, and I think he’s smoking a little more than when he first—”
“That’s not what I mean, Annie! It’s that book, that damn Road book. I should have sucked it up, forced myself to read it, told him I loved it, never mind I’d be lying. Stupid, stupid book.”
“It’s not about the book itself,” Annie said without thinking. As soon as the words left her lips, she wished them back.
“What do you mean?” Connie asked, her voice choked with emotion. “Do you know something? Annie, please, tell me. You have to help me.” Annie wasn’t sure what to say. To buy time, she pretended to have a tickle in her throat.
Finally, she said simply, “You need to talk to Parker.”
“Annie, I have talked to him. He says there isn’t anything wrong. He says he loves me, he says everything is fine. But…” she grabbed Annie’s hand, “I know it’s not. I can feel it, something’s different. Please, Annie, tell me.” She was obviously desperate and hurting.
“Well, the book,” Annie began, carefully choosing her words, not wanting Connie to know what she and Parker had done. “It makes you feel... It makes you look beyond what you’ve been doing all your life, to question where you’re headed. It makes you want... more.” Connie watched Annie’s intently, waiting. “I think Parker was really affected by it. I was. It is exciting, and it made me re-think staying for the rest of my life. Maybe Parker is just... I don’t know... Thinking about other options.” Not a good choice of words. Connie started to cry.
“So, other options like, other girls,” Connie sniffed through her tears. “Do you think he’s seeing someone else?” Annie felt stuck. What could she say? The truth would crush her. But what was the truth? She and Parker had kissed but, Parker didn’t say he was leaving Connie, just that he was frustrated. Did Parker want more than just a kiss from Annie?
“Connie, this school is ridiculously small, so if Parker was seeing someone else, you’d have heard about it by now, for sure.” Connie smiled slowly. “Look,” Annie continued, “talk to him, give him a chance to explain, to express things. I don’t think he wants to leave you, but I think he’s thinking differently about life from here on in.” Connie nodded. Then she leapt at Annie and hugged her.
“God, Annie,” she said through more tears, “what the he— I mean, what would I ever do without you?” Annie hugged back and then gently pushed her away.
“I didn’t do anything, Con, really, you’re just... You see your future clearly, and you don’t want anything to ruin it. But, I think you will feel much better if you just talk to Parker, and try to accept what he says.” Again, Connie hugged her, promising her she would.
Again, Annie was left with guilt and jealousy as her only companions. It was becoming a familiar situation.
***
I need to see you tonight, please, things are spinning out of control, and I need your wisdom.
Annie quickly crumpled the note. She meant to stash it in her locker, but in spite of herself, read it again. Parker had slipped it into one of the vents in the door. He wanted to see her, to talk with her. She felt a rush of sickness, guilt, worry…and elation.
Wait a minute. What was she doing? How could she do this to her best friend? She decided she would see Parker, but only to tell him they had to stop spending time alone together. Connie was his girlfriend, his future, and he needed to focus on her. If he couldn’t, if he weren't interested in her any longer, he needed to tell her. He owed her that much.
***
“We have to stop this, Parker.” Once again, they were back at the lake. Once again, Parker built a fire, lit a cigarette, held her hand. Once again... Annie let him kiss her. And she had kissed him back, intoxicated by his passion and his breath. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, Parker.” More to the point, Annie Stewart, what’s going on with you?
“Yes, you do, Anne.” He faced her, his eyes soft. “You, of all the people I know, know exactly what’s going on.” She smoothed her skirt, trying to steady herself. Her body tingled from his kiss, but her mind was racing, and her heart hurt so much. “Anne, I’m not the guy my parents want me to be, not anymore. I don’t want to study law, I don’t want to work for my uncle, I don’t want to be tied down here, and I don’t want…” He combed his fingers through his hair. She watched, utterly distracted by how he moved. Finally, she found her tongue.
“What don’t you want, Parker?”
He took a deep breath, then said flatly, “Connie. I don’t want Connie. I don’t want the life she’s mapped out and plugged me into.” Annie sat at his side, holding his hand, silent, looking out onto the smooth, onyx water.
Does he want me now? Do I want him? And did she actually want him, or was she just caught up in the passion of the moment? She decided to take a chance.
“Well,” she began solely, “maybe you don’t want the life Connie wants, but you still want her. Maybe, if you two talked, you’d find a way to change and grow together. So being a lawyer, working for your uncle here, isn’t the life you want, that still doesn’t mean you don’t want Connie, right?”
Parker was quiet. He dropped her hand and walked back to the fire. He added more branches and pine needles, then poked it with a stick, letting air in under the branches. The flames shot up, bright and fierce. Annie waited for him to speak. He stared into the fire, then up into the trees.
“I love Connie,” he said, “and she’s...interesting and fun, and... She’s the first girl I’ve ever had sex with and...that’s been…nice.” Annie winced at the word. “She says she wants to leave the small town life but, the thing is, she is small town.”
No,” Annie protested, “I’m small town. Connie is big city. She’s adventure.”
“No, Anne, she’s not.” Parker finally looked at her. “Trust me, Connie Baker is not big city. She talks a good game, about getting away, but it’s for all the wrong reasons.”
“What do you mean?” He sat back down the log and took her hand again.
“Connie has no idea who she is,” he said, his tone serious, grave and...adult. “She thinks this town defines her, but, she has no definition. She thinks living in the city will give her an identity. It won’t, trust me. If she moved to a place like New York, she’d vanish. She has no clue who and what she is. She’s constantly talking about leaving, running away but from what? From the streets and the shops, from school, from Rockland? No. She’s running away from the fact that she knows she’s not—” He stopped abruptly.
“She’s not what?”
“She’s not special. Connie is sweet, and nice, and decent, and good, but she’s not special, and she knows it. Compared to you, to Ellen, to... Compared most people in this town, she’s not special. She feels average here, overlooked, and so she thinks leaving here will make her special. She wants to be a lawyer’s wife, to come back for reunions, and have people ask her about living in the city, city life... life outside of Rockland. That, she thinks, will make her special, but it won’t.”
This was a truth Annie had never imagined. She and her friends always saw Connie as more cosmopolitan, more forward-thinking. She was special to them. She knew the latest fashions, all the trends. Annie told Parker all this, and he snorted.
“That’s the way you see her. The way you all see her, but it’s not how she sees herself. She’s waiting to be discovered. She’s afraid, and it makes her cling to the idea that leaving here will change her.”
“I don’t understand, Parker. I think maybe you need to give her a chance.” At that, he faced her squarely.
“What about us, Anne? What about giving us a chance?”
There, he’d said it. Us. Her heart flooded, and to keep herself from jumping up and dancing, she squeezed his hand. Could there really be an us? What would it be like? To be Parker’s girl? Going on a journey with him?
But what about Connie? What about her dreams, her life? Could she truly do this to her friend?
She sighed heavily then said, “There is no us, Parker. There can’t be now. Not until—”
“Until when?”
“I don’t know. Maybe with time, with distance, but not while we’re still here. Not while Connie still loves you and looks to you as—”
“Her savior,” he said, curling his lip.
“No, as her boyfriend. She loves you. Is that really such a bad thing?” He worked his jaw. “Parker?” she pressed.
“It’s not bad, Anne, it’s just not... You.” She trembled, hoping he didn’t see.
“What do you mean, Parker?” Say it, Parker. Say—
“I love you, Anne.”
There it was. The moment every girl dreams of. The moment a boy says I love you. A fervent hope, a precious dream, and now, it happened for Annie. And it was all wrong. Well, not completely.
“Parker, you don’t love me, you love Connie.” She had to convince herself more than him. “You’re just confused.” He stood and moved to the edge of the circle of light thrown by the fire. Was he angry? She didn’t want to know. She just wanted to run.
“I was confused. Very confused. I was doing what I was supposed to do.” Annie recognized the line from Kerouac. “Then I went to New York, and I read that book, but not just that one. I read Burroughs, and this poem called Howl, by Ginsberg. I saw things in the city, and at Columbia, I felt humble, but not comfortable. It’s a great school. I know I can do well if I buckle down, stay focused, finish law school, pass the bar. I know I can do that. I know Mom and Dad would be thrilled, and Connie would love it. In my head, I know all that. But my heart… Here’s this terrific school in the middle of this fantastic city, and I’m going to go, and hide, and focus, and not experience any of it.”
“What exactly is it you want to experience?”
“The city. The world. What it would be like just to hitchhike across the country for a year. Work as a short-order cook in some diner in California. Live on the street in New York. Sure, I’m scared, and worried about the future, but that, Annie, that’s exciting. The future will be there no matter what, so why not take a risk, jump in, do something. I love Connie and Rockland and my folks. I’m not looking for an escape, just to...add to the experiences I’ve already had.” He got up and started pacing, hand behind his back.
“Parker, Connie wants to leave—”
“Connie wants to leave here and settle somewhere else. Anywhere. Anyplace that’s not here. She wants to settle—”
Down, thought Annie. Connie wants to settle—
“—down, and I don’t. Not now. Maybe not ever. Connie wants to settle down because she doesn’t know who she is. I don’t want to settle at all. You do, too, but it’s because you know who you are well enough to know what you want. Never mind everybody saying we have to go, we have to leave, you’re secure with yourself. You’re happy being you, being here, I love that so much.”
“But, Connie’s…you...” Annie fumbled for words. “She’s in love with you, Parker.” She didn’t know what she was trying to say. He had filled her with such feelings, she wanted him to say I love you again so she could say it back. “Parker, Connie is my friend. My best friend.”
She watched him visibly shrink, and her heart broke, but she’d had to say it. He stood a while longer, then slumped back down on the log next to her.
“I know. You’re a good person, Anne, and that’s why... well, you know.” He took her hand again, and they sat, listening to the crackle of the fire, the rustling of the breeze through the trees, the gentle movement of that breeze on the water. Then he let go of her hand and leaned forward, elbows on knees. “We do have to stop, don’t we?”
“Yes. We can’t hurt Connie. The future will happen, and maybe someday, something will happen between us. But for now, Connie comes first. You have to deal with that. You really do.”
“I know,” he scrubbed a hand over his face, “I know.”
The fire was dying, so she leaned into him for warmth. He put an arm around her shoulders, but not her waist, and did not try to kiss her again. She was thankful for his respect but couldn’t help wishing it could be her and not Connie.
All too soon, it grew dark enough that they had to leave. They drove in silence. At her house, he opened the car door for her. They stood looking at each other for a long time, sensing the end of something that never really had a chance to begin.
When she could no longer bear the silence, she said, “I’ll always be your friend, Parker.”
“I know, but I want so much more.”
They hugged, but held on a little too long, and their lips nearly touched as they separated.
“I’ll...deal with Connie,” he said.
“Thank you.”
“We’ll go to prom, we’ll finish the year, and then....”
“It’ll be okay, Parker, it really will,” she said, more for herself than for him.
They embraced once more, and then he drove away. She felt hollow inside, but she knew it was the right thing to do. Connie could have her dream for a while longer and then, Parker would leave, and then Connie would leave. They would all leave eventually, and Annie could enjoy her small town life without distractions.
That sounded just... fine.
8
Time passed, and things settled down, Connie was happy again. Parker was either happy or faking it really well. Christmas came and went, and he gave her a promise ring.
“I know they’re not real diamonds, but it’s five whole carats. Isn’t it gorgeous?” She showed it to everyone incessantly. “It’s exactly what I wanted.”
Annie had to turn away the first time she saw it. A halo-style “engagement” ring in cheap sterling with even cheaper stones. Full price at the super-store, it sold for less than forty dollars. She was mortified. How could fashion-forward Connie suddenly be so clueless?
But Annie’s the one who had counseled them to talk to each other, and it had worked. Hurray for Annie.
Annie and Parker were awkward with each other at first, but with time, they returned to being friends. Parker never asked to speak to her privately again. He didn’t show up at her house, take her for rides, or build fires for her at the beach. Everything was outwardly back to normal. Annie came to dislike normal quite a bit. Still, she felt good about her choice to be faithful to her friend. She never doubted she had done the right thing, and considering he and Connie seemed to be stronger together than ever, she assumed Parker felt the same way.
***
“His parents went away for the entire weekend, and I am not kidding, we barely left the bedroom!” Parker had given Connie a copy of the Kama Sutra for Christmas. “They’re not kidding, Annie. Those positions are…wow!”
Connie giggled and blushed, secure again, her dream for the future solid. Annie was pleased for her. Parker seemed outwardly happy, too, considering he couldn’t seem to be able to keep his hands off Connie.
Things were different, however. For the first time, Annie began to feel like a third wheel, but it wasn’t just because Parker stopped trying to make her feel comfortable and welcome. He never said a word, just went out of his way to make a show. He took to dipping Connie for kisses, then looking at Annie out of the corner of his eye. He’d nuzzle Connie’s ear, then slide his hand down to grab at her bottom at an angle he knew Annie could see. She refused to be rude, and couldn’t bear to point out his insincerity to Connie, so she said nothing.
He was also smoking close to a pack a day by then, and when Connie wasn’t looking, Parker would “accidentally” exhale in Annie’s direction, and then pretend to apologize. So she began to make up polite excuses to avoid being alone with the two of them.
***
At the school New Year’s Eve party, Annie was the only one in her group without a date. Connie promised to let Parker kiss her at midnight—after she had her kiss from him, of course.
The party actually was fun for Annie. She danced with a few guys she knew, laughed, and even had a little of the surreptitiously spi
ked punch. In spite of herself, she found herself staring at Parker and Connie whenever they slow-danced. They seemed perfectly happy, but Annie still couldn’t believe Connie—let alone the other girls—didn’t see through him. They all vied for his attention, and he flirted with them shamelessly, but always with Connie egging him on.
Towards the end of the evening, Annie walked out of the gym into the frosty night air to clear her head. The moon was full, and the blanket of snow on the football field glowed almost blue. She took a deep breath, smiled at the moon, and sighed.
“Well, good evening, Annie.” At the unfamiliar voice, she turned to see Paul Jenks standing behind her. He was also a senior, a photographer for the school paper, and a computer geek of some sort. He was completely outside Annie’s circle, but there he was. Lighting a perfectly rolled joint.
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