Beat of His Heart

by Nickie Nalley Seidler

  I wouldn’t be able to afford this home, I wouldn’t be able to afford to keep my company afloat. It was too new for me to be able to depend on my sales to have kept it running. I didn’t know what I was going to do. Brad had everything figured out besides his life after death. We were so young, we weren’t thinking about death and what we do to help our loved ones in the event of it. Brad hadn’t started any type of life insurance, he had nothing. Olivia was sweet enough to cover the expenses of the memorial, and paid for half of his cremation, which we agreed to split, along with his ashes. Some would find that weird, but we lived on opposite sides of the country. She’d wanted a piece of him to take with her, as I had to have him with me. The urn sat on my kitchen table as I couldn’t figure out where to put it that would be an appropriate spot to keep a dead person. Why did people put it on their mantle? I mean, maybe it’s a decorative piece for some, but let’s be real. It’s a person’s ashes. There was nothing beautiful about that to me.

  I haven’t gathered up the courage to call the wedding venue. I knew I only had a couple weeks before I was supposed to meet there for the tasting and the second down payment. I had a little bit of time to decompress and try to realize that this wasn’t going to happen. That’s when it all hit me. I wasn’t going to marry Brad, I was never going to see him again. Ever.

  I ran upstairs to our bedroom and my hand slightly touched the door knob. Knowing his hand was there not long ago touching that same knob. My hand glazed the wall that led to the master bathroom. The wall that Brad many times pushed me against to make love to me. The wall we fought over big time whether or not we wanted a furniture piece there. I moved towards the bed and looked at the bed’s messy covers that I haven’t bothered to make up in days. The covers that Brad helped me pick out, even if he just agreed when I asked him if he liked it. The whole thought that he helped with everything I was looking at. This entire house reminded me of him. Something I’d love to keep but knew I couldn’t.

  I swung open our closet doors and dug through to the back of my clothes where I had that bag hung up closed for my deep secret to Brad. My wedding dress. I ripped it open as the tears started to fly. They were uncontrollable at this point. I slid the ball gown on and looked down at the puffy dress that was perfect. I fell backwards to the wall and mourned my fiancé for the first real time I knew that he wasn’t coming back to me. He would never see me in this dress. He would never come home to me and take me out of it. He would never live happily ever after with me. I cried, until I didn’t know I was crying anymore. I sat there in my wedding dress the only time I’d ever wear it. It scattered all around me on the floor. My tear stained dress was what it was now.

  My mother came in the bedroom. I didn’t even hear her calling out to me in the house before she reached me, a mess in the corner.

  “Honey…” She cradled me. She let me cry.

  2 - CHAPTER two

  Two years later…….

  The sun hit me and blinded my view as I walked to my car. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get used to this view. The water crashed up on the shore and my smile grew wider. Being in Florida was probably the best decision I had made. My mother got me settled into a nice condo off the water in Miami. I’m coming up to my two year mark living there. It was beautiful there. My condo was up on the tenth floor. It overlooked the ocean and I could see miles and miles away. It had all the amenities one could want. My mother paid for it till I could get on my feet. I was settled in quite well, and created a life for myself as hard as I thought that would have been two years ago. I was working at a hotel in management. It wasn’t my ideal job but it paid the bills and it kept me on my feet. I actually liked it, it was a nice pace and different than what I was used to. Plus, I was a manager, and that had its perks.

  I had a lunch date with my friend Shelly. I didn’t have big plans for the weekend other than relaxing by the water. Even though it was January, I took advantage of the nice weather to be out by the beach. Most other locals thought it was still a tad bit cold in the winter months, but if they only knew what cold was coming from Chicago.

  Shelly was a girl I met at my new job out here. I had actually gone through several till I found one I really liked. Unfortunately, it didn’t work out for me at the bakery in town, which is where I met Shelly, but her friendship to me in the short amount of time I was there was something I wasn’t going to let go. I hadn’t really had anybody out there except my mother and father, and I needed to make friends. Shelly was the best. Although, I did miss Sara so much.

  “Hey!” Shelly yelled from across the parking lot. She was still as gorgeous as ever. Long brown hair in wavy curls around her shoulders with the best tan in all of Florida.

  I waved to her as we met at the Panera.

  “Hey!” I smiled as I opened the door for us to walk in.

  “You look great, Amy! How have you been?”

  The question everyone always seemed to ask, as if they’d hear anything different.

  “I’m good. Thanks, just working my tail off. How are you?” We drifted to the counter where the lady behind the register stared at us as we overlooked the menu.

  She wrapped her arm around my shoulder. “Good, because I have some news.” She giggled.

  “News?” I looked at her, barely a smile. News intimidated me.

  We both ordered a salad and lemonade and grabbed a seat while we waited for it to be made.

  “I kind of met this man, and he’s really amazing. I want you to meet him.”

  I stood up and quickly went over to her end of the table and hugged her tight. I was so happy for her that she couldn’t even imagine my happiness.

  “I would love to meet him!” I shrieked. “Tell me more!” I went back to my side of the table and sat while our food was walked over to us by a nice older man.

  “His name is Kent. He’s so dreamy. Gah, I don’t even know where to start.”

  “Kent was a good start. What does he look like? What does he do?” I smiled, taking a bite of my salad.

  “He’s super tall, great thick beard, shaggy black hair, and the most stunning brown eyes, they just sparkle.”

  “Sparkle? What is he, Edward Cullen?” I belted out a laugh as I drank a sip of my lemonade.

  She laughed back. “Shut up, they do, or maybe I just think they do. But he’s so great. He’s a fireman.”

  “Oh, a man in uniform. Not bad, Shel, not bad at all.”

  “Good, because I want you to come out tonight and meet him and….” She coughed. “Noah.”

  I put my fork down. She had my attention now. “What? Who’s Noah? I’m not ready, Shelly…” I trailed off on how I was definitely not ready for some dating thing that I knew she had in her silly little mind.

  “He’s just a guy. No pressure, Amy. Seriously. I just didn’t want you to be a third wheel. So Kent invited Noah out. He’s super nice, you have no worries.”

  “He’s not just a guy, he’s a guy you’re going to sit me next to and he’s going to try to get in my pants. Like every other guy you have always brought on any of our outings. I’m not ready, Shelly. I’m sorry.”

  “Brad would want you to have some sort of life. He loved you enough to want you to be happy, Amy.”

  I shook my head and gathered my phone and wallet, putting it back in my purse.

  “Don’t go. Come on, Aim.”

  I huffed out a really big breath.

  “I’ll make sure Kent lets Noah know no date, just a night out.”

  “Thank you.” I half smiled. I still wasn’t sure of the night out.

  We finished our salads and talked more about work and I told her I wanted to tear up my kitchen and start a remodel. I’ve saved up some money to be able to do so. I was still agitated that she brought up this little date she tried to arrange. This wasn’t the first time, and it wasn’t going to be the last if I didn’t stop it from happening. I wasn’t ready to move on from Brad. What kind of woman would I be to move on so fast? It still hurt in my heart too much
to even think about another man. Although, I really didn’t enjoy being alone.

  We worked out the arrangements for the evening and headed out. I was really weary of meeting her at Club Tipsy but it was what it was. This poor Noah guy better not have anything up his sleeve because he’d be getting a rude awakening.

  Coming in the door to my condo I welcomed Jasmine, my pearly white cat. I got her to keep me some company here in Florida. Mom’s idea of course. It wasn’t actually a bad idea as I fell in love with this cat. She always cuddled with me and kept me going when I wasn’t sure I could. I walked over to my balcony door to take in the view of the gorgeous ocean. I loved my view and often just watched the water for hours in deep thought. My phone rang, playing that ringtone I was very familiar with.

  “Sara!” I answered the phone, excited. “Hey!”

  “Hey, how’s my Amy?”

  I always laughed when she called me hers. “I miss you, actually.”

  “I’m in fact planning a trip to come see you. I need a mommy break. And the husband has told me to take a mommycation.”

  “Wait, are you actually serious?” My voice became slightly high pitched in excitement.

  “Yes! I’m looking at probably a few weeks from now, what are your plans? Is Miami ready for Sara Colt?”

  “I’ll take time off, whatever you want. I’m ready for you I don’t care if Miami is.” I laughed. “I wish you could bring Miley with you though, I haven’t seen her since she’s been born.” I fake cried into the phone to show her my sadness. “I’m such a bad Auntie.”

  “No, don’t even say that. I talk about you all the time, we facetime, we do as much as we can, Amy. We’ll plan for you to see her soon. But as of right now, it’ll just be me unless he changes his mind.” She laughs.

  “I’m ok with that. I’ll plan some fun stuff.”

  “No, I really just want to chill at your place, and take in the beach, if you don’t mind.”

  “Perfect,” I agreed. We were totally homebodies. Which was why Sara and I got along so well growing up.

  “How you doing, Amy?”

  There it was, that question everyone always asked. Maybe it was genuine, or maybe that was their way for me to talk about Brad. Or maybe I was just assuming that’s what it meant. Maybe she really just wanted to know how I was doing.

  “I’m good. Dreading this night, though. My friend Shelly is dragging me out to meet her new boy toy and is bringing a friend.” I sighed.

  “Well, that sounds like fun, Aim!” She sounded enthusiastic. “It’s good for you to get out once and awhile.”

  “She’s bringing a friend to set me up, and is supposedly warning him I’m not interested but I don’t believe she’s going to do that.” I rolled my eyes as if Sara could see my expression.

  “Stop rolling your eyes. It’ll be fun. You need this. You know that Brad wants you to be happy, right?”

  The conversation went from light to heavy. Everyone always had to tell me about what Brad would want, as if I didn’t already know that. But at the same time, they wouldn’t know what Brad would want. Because Brad wanted me. It was supposed to be us.

  “Everyone needs to stop telling me what’s right. I’m just not ready.” I collapsed down on my white leather sofa and ran my hand through my long strands of hair that desperately needed to be washed.

  “Babe, it’s been two years. It’s ok, everything will be ok.”

  “I know how long it’s been, Sara.” I rolled my eyes again. I was done with this conversation if it involved moving on.

  “Then just have an open mind tonight. Nobody says you have to marry this man. Just have fun.” She yawned. “Look, I’ll catch up with you on more details of this trip. But Miley is calling me, so I need to get back to her. I love you so much, Amy. I can’t wait to see you.”

  “Love you, too, Sara.” We ended the call.

  Maybe she was right. I would just have fun. I needed to just enjoy myself. He was just a guy. I dealt with guys daily at my job. I could handle a night out with one for just a friendly evening. After all, it was about meeting Kent.

  I really missed Sara though. She was my homebody girl who didn’t go to clubs or bars. Well, she was married with a baby. The night Brad died, was the night Sara was going to tell us the big news of her being pregnant. Now Miley was almost a year and a half old. Time was flying and I felt so guilty for leaving my best friend to be close to my mother and father. All of which I’ve seen a handful of times since moving out here. But Sara was my rock. We talked weekly. I was beyond happy her husband was letting her come out here baby free. I sat out on my balcony and lit a cigarette. If there was a bad habit I picked up it was smoking. It calmed my nerves whenever things got too bad.

  After my cigg, I went to lay down on my bed. Collapsing into the white down comforter, I ended up falling asleep. I woke up to my phone going off. I quickly checked the screen, taking in my surroundings. It was dark outside and pitch black in my bedroom. I must have fallen asleep for a few hours. I looked back at the screen and saw Shelly’s name flashing at me to answer. Shit.

  “Hey,” I answered stretching as I slid out of bed.

  “Are you coming or what?” she shouted in the phone with a ton of background noise. “Shit, I’m sorry, Shelly, I’ll be there in an hour.” I apologized, glancing at the clock. I couldn’t believe I slept that long. I ran into the bathroom and started the shower. There was no way I was leaving without a shower.

  “Ok, I guess we will be waiting. Everything ok? You’re never late.”

  “Everything is fine, see you in an hour.”

  “All right, bye.”

  The steam started fogging my mirrors. As I undressed I glanced at myself in the mirror behind my door. This body made me blush. I was so impressed with myself and my workout routine that I started to see some major improvement in toning my muscles and getting rid of that extra fat I gained after Brad died. It took every fiber in me to get back into the gym, and I was so glad that I did.

  I knew I couldn’t continue to stress eat; I gained thirty pounds and only needed about five more to lose to get back to my normal self. Not that I was going anywhere to impress anyone tonight. I dragged out my jean skirt and a shiny white sequin halter top and was ecstatic to be able to fit back into it.

  3 - CHAPTER three

  The club was loud once I got past the very large bouncers at the door. The place was dark, with dim lighting, and some flashing lights by the dj stage. There were two djs that were bumping behind their tables as the music vibrated in the room. This wasn’t my scene, but at least good music was playing. Passing by the sweaty bodies on the dance floor, I spotted Shelly off in the corner at a booth in the VIP section. Kent must have some money to have been able to land that.

  As I was walking over, my eyes landed on the man sitting next to Shelly, the one not holding her close. My eyes grew wide as I took him in. I didn’t think I’d be attracted to someone by first sight, but holy shit. This man was tall, and holy handsome. I couldn’t even gather my thoughts. His white button down shirt was tight against his chest, I swear you could see his six pack through his damn shirt. My tummy got butterflies and I felt those tingles roaring through me. As I moved closer I noticed his baby blue eyes and wavy blonde hair that was pulled back in the middle with a pony tail. He was fucking hot. Sweat started to make its appearance on my forehead and I thought I was going to faint.

  “Amy!” I heard Shelly yell as she stood up to give me a hug. “About fucking time,” she sneered.

  “Sorry, I’m late.” I half smiled, veering my eyes towards this hot as shit man standing to Shelly’s side.

  I swore my panties were wet and I didn’t even have to try. “Amy, this is Kent.” Kent stood up. He was tall dark and handsome. Totally Shelly’s type. He was a little husky, but you could tell he still hit the gym. Shelly actually wasn’t joking with those sparkling eyes. I laughed as I remembered making fun of that fact.

  “Hey, it’s nice to meet you, Kent.” I
held out my hand and he firmly shook it.

  “My pleasure.” He had a thick accent.

  “You couldn’t possibly be from Florida with that accent.” I smiled.

  “Tennessee.” He chuckled, squeezing Shelly closely. “She loves my accent.”

  “It’s fucking hot.” Shelly tickled his side, making Kent uncomfortable.

  “Excuse my bad manners, Amy, this is Noah Hendricks, Kent’s friend. He actually lived in Chicago for a little while, too.” Shelly stepped aside as this mystery man leaned in to give me a hug.

  I was kind of taken back by the forward gesture, but I was so out of my mind with his looks and so fucking nervous, that I hugged him back and inhaled his masculine vanilla scent. Although, I swore it was Old Spice. His hand hugged around my waist tight, not tight enough to make it awkward, but tight enough to feel the click of sexual tension between us.

  “Great to meet you…uh….” I fucking forgot his name. My mind was so distracted on his fuck me against the wall looks, that I fucking couldn’t think of his name.

  “Noah,” he whispered in my ear. “Pleasure is mine, Amy.”

  Shelly looked away and huddled in the corner with Kent. Their lips started locking and I was all alone with Noah. I knew this shit would happen.

  “Don’t worry, Kent told me you’re off limits?” He smiled as his hand lowered to the middle of my back as he steered me over to the couch adjacent to Kent and Shelly.

  Sitting on the couch, I quickly wished my jean skirt was longer. It rustled up my leg, making me feel a tad uncomfortable showing that much skin.

  “Would you like a drink?” He snapped his fingers in the air, signaling a waitress to come.