Finn stared down at his feet. “You’re right.”
“I know I am,” James said. “Let’s … everyone just needs to chill.”
“I am chill,” Mandy said.
“You’re making things worse,” James countered. “I know you’re trying to protect Emma, and I love you for it, but Finn would never hurt her.”
“The doctor said Emma is weak,” Mandy said. “She doesn’t take in enough calories in a day, and she’s anemic. She needs rest and to bulk up. Emotional unrest is not going to help her bulk up. Between the morning sickness and all of this … crap … she’s going to fall over or something.”
“The doctor didn’t say that,” Emma argued.
“Yes, she did,” Mandy said. “You were too busy freaking out about how you were going to tell Finn to listen. I listened. I bought the book. I’m in charge.”
Despite the surreal – and tense – situation, James wanted to laugh. When Mandy took charge, she meant business. “Everyone is calm, baby,” he said. “You’re the only one still freaking out.”
“I am not freaking out,” Mandy said. “I am … okay, I’m freaking out a little.” Mandy bent down so she could look Finn in the eye. “You’re going to be a father. Man up.”
Finn sighed. “Thank you for the pep talk,” he said. “I’m calm. I’m … I’m processing. It’s not what I was expecting.”
“No,” Mandy agreed. “It’s better. Emma isn’t cheating on you, and why you thought that is beyond me. That’s not in her wheelhouse. Your family is expanding. This is a happy thing. Be happy.”
Finn nodded. “I’m just … surprised. We were always careful.”
Mandy glanced at Emma. “Accidents happen, even under the best of circumstances. It’s happened. This is where we’re at.”
“I understand that,” Finn said. “I’m not angry. I’m just … .”
“Processing,” Mandy finished. “I know. When you’re done, you need to be nice to her.”
“I’m always nice to her,” Finn said.
“Be nicer than that.” Mandy straightened and turned to Emma. “Are you okay if we go? I think you guys have some stuff to talk about.”
“I’m good,” Emma said, her voice small.
“Okay,” Mandy said. “How about we have lunch tomorrow? Are you having cravings yet? It’s your choice.”
“I’ll text you.”
Mandy nodded, reaching forward so she could give Emma a tight hug. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered. “Just let him process. It’s going to be okay.”
“Thank you for everything,” Emma said, her voice thick with tears. “You’ve been so good to me.”
“I love you, Emma,” Mandy said. “I’ll always be here for you.”
“We’ll both be here for you,” James said. He patted Finn on the shoulder. “When you want to talk tomorrow, you know where to find me.” He held out his hand. “Come on, wife. I’ll buy you that hamburger.”
“DO YOU want something to eat?” Finn asked.
After collecting himself – as much as he could – he’d watched as Emma collected her vitamins and scheduled a follow-up appointment. The ride back to Emma’s apartment had been long, and quiet.
Now that they were both home – and no one was cheating on anyone – Finn felt ashamed. He’d jumped to the wrong conclusion, and he’d terrorized the woman he loved in the process. He didn’t know how to make it better.
The whole “baby” thing was another hurdle – one he wasn’t sure he was ready to handle at the present moment.
“I’m not hungry,” Emma said.
“You’re supposed to eat, sweetie. How about some dry toast?”
Emma shrugged. “Are you just cooking because you don’t know what else to do?”
“Maybe,” Finn conceded. “I also want you to eat. What sounds good? Aren’t pregnant woman supposed to have wild cravings?”
“Not until later,” Emma said. “My stomach is upset.”
Finn ran his hand down the back of her head, unsure. He wanted to hold her. He wanted to pull her onto his lap and tell her everything would be okay. His heart was hammering so hard, though, he could barely hear what she was saying over the din. “Dry toast it is.”
Emma watched him as he moved through the kitchen. He refused to look at her. He was focused on his task. Emma wasn’t keen on making eye contact herself right now, but she needed something – anything – from him. Just a sign. He apparently wasn’t ready to give one.
Finn slid the plate with the toast onto Emma’s lap a few minutes later. “Here, sweetie. Eat.” He settled on the couch next to her. It didn’t escape Emma’s attention that he wasn’t touching her.
“I’m not sure I’m hungry.”
“Eat it,” Finn ordered. “You have to keep your strength up.”
Emma bit into the toast and chewed, forcing herself to swallow at the appropriate time. “Do you want to yell at me?”
Finn jolted. “Why would I want to yell at you?”
“I didn’t tell you when I first suspected,” Emma said.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Finn asked, keeping his voice calm. He didn’t want to scare her. He’d done enough of that for one day. Heck, he’d done enough of that for one lifetime.
“I didn’t know what you would say,” Emma admitted. “We’ve never really talked about anything like this.”
“No,” Finn said. “That doesn’t mean I didn’t have a right to know.”
“I was always going to tell you,” Emma said. “I was just trying to build up the courage.”
“Because you were afraid of what I was going to do?”
“Because I was afraid of what I was going to do,” Emma said. “I’m scared to be a mother.”
“Because of your mother?”
“Because of my family,” Emma corrected. “I come from … bad stock.”
Finn’s heart pinched. “I don’t believe that for a second,” he said. “You’re the sweetest … and kindest … and warmest person I’ve ever met. You’re not bad stock. You had bad things happen to you, and your parents are assholes. That doesn’t mean you’re bad.”
“I hope not,” Emma said. “The thought that I could … be them … it just kills me.”
“Emma.” Finn reached over and pulled her to him, fighting off his own tears as Emma buried her face in his chest. “You’re so tired, sweetie. Come on. Let’s go to bed.” He scooped her up in his arms. “We’ve got a lot of stuff to plan for. We don’t have to do it all tonight. We don’t have to talk it all over tonight.”
“Do you hate me?” Emma’s voice was muffled against his chest.
“I could never hate you, Emma. You’re just exhausted. You’ll feel better in the morning. I promise. We both will.”
Finn carried her into the bedroom, tucking her under the covers before climbing in behind her. He wrapped her in his arms, holding her tight as her body shook.
“Sleep, sweetheart,” Finn said. “Everything is going to be okay. Just … everything is going to be okay.”
Nine
“So, how was Finn after the whole fiasco at the clinic?” Mandy asked.
They were in a small diner in downtown Mount Clemens the next day, and everyone was curious to hear how things had gone once Mandy and James left Finn and Emma to their own devices. Since they were gossipy, Mandy, Ally and Sophie had spent hours on the phone with one another the previous evening.
“He was calm,” Emma said, sipping from her glass of water. “He was very calm.”
“That’s good, right?” Sophie asked.
“I don’t think he’s done processing yet,” Emma said.
“How are you?” Ally asked. She was usually the excitable one, but now she was deathly serious. “You look tired. Did you sleep last night? You have to sleep. You need at least eight hours every night. Ten is better.”
“I don’t know why I bought that book,” Mandy grumbled. “I forgot we have the walking pregnancy guru in our midst.”
“You bought a book?” Ally asked.
“The doctor says Emma is anemic,” Mandy said. “She also said she’s not eating enough calories in a day – which I think we already knew.”
“I have to … .”
Mandy cut her off. “You’re a model, we get it. You’re also a person. You need to eat.”
“I ordered a salad,” Emma protested.
“You’re supposed to have fattier foods.”
“I’ll get fat fast enough,” Emma said. “Then things will be just perfect.”
“You’re not going to get fat,” Ally countered. “You’re going to have a baby. Stop being … obnoxious.”
“That’s rich, coming from you,” Emma shot back.
Ally arched an eyebrow. “I see the hormones are here.”
Emma sighed. “I’m sorry for snapping at you. That wasn’t fair.”
“I deserved it,” Ally said.
“No, you didn’t,” Emma said. “You’re so sweet. You’re always so sweet.” Her eyes filled with tears.
“Oh, hormones,” Ally said, patting her hand. “You’re going to be fun for the next eight months.”
“Ally,” Mandy scolded. “She’s been through hell over the past twenty-four hours.”
“She’s been through hell her entire life,” Sophie corrected. “Both of you need to back off. She needs space, and understanding.”
“Thank you,” Emma said.
“It’s going to be okay,” Sophie said. “Just remember, everything you’re feeling is exponentially more … flighty … than it normally would be. Just keep telling yourself that.”
“Oh, well, that helps,” Ally said.
Mandy rolled her eyes. “Are you taking your vitamins and iron supplements?”
“Yes, Mom,” Emma said. “Mom … do you think my mother is still in town?”
“I don’t know,” Mandy said, sipping from her soft drink. “Do you want us to find out?”
“How can you?”
“I can find out,” Sophie said. “I can do it with one call. Do you want me to?”
Emma faltered. “No. I … I can’t deal with her right now. It’s too much.”
Sophie nodded. “If you change your mind … ?”
“I know who to call.”
Mandy and Ally exchanged worried glances.
“You still haven’t really talked about how Finn reacted once you got home,” Mandy prodded.
“He tried to feed me dry toast.”
Ally giggled. “He’s just trying to make sure you eat.”
“I don’t need food,” Emma said. “I need … him.”
“He’s there,” Ally said. “He’s just in shock. He’ll be better tonight. You’ll see.”
“He … he was on the opposite side of the bed when I woke up this morning,” Emma admitted.
“I … where does he usually sleep?” Mandy asked.
“Right next to me. He’s always touching me. I … I don’t think he wants to be with me anymore,” Emma said. “I think he’s disgusted to touch me.”
“He didn’t say that, did he?” Ally’s shoulders were squared.
“No,” Emma said. “He didn’t say anything. I tried to talk to him, but he just kept asking why I didn’t tell him.”
“He has to know you were scared,” Sophie said. “He has to know you weren’t trying to hurt him.”
“I think he’s done with me,” Emma said. “He’s just trying to figure out how he’s going to walk away without looking like an ass.”
“He’s not done with you,” Ally said. “He loves you.”
“I asked him if he hated me last night,” Emma said. “I was hoping … I was hoping that he would tell me he loved me. I gave him an opening. I was desperate.”
“What did he say?”
“He said he could never hate me,” Emma said.
“That’s it?”
“That’s it,” Emma confirmed.
Ally was on her feet.
“What are you doing?” Emma asked, worried.
“I have had it with my dimwitted brothers,” Ally said. “I just … I’m going to beat the crap out of him.”
“Ally,” Mandy warned. “Don’t make things worse.”
“I’m not making things worse,” she shot back. “As always, I’m going to fix everything.”
“HOW are you?” James asked, looking Finn up and down. “You look like you’ve seen better nights.”
“I’m great,” Finn said, staring at the wall behind James’ head. “I’m going to be a father. I’m … .”
“Terrified?”
“I’ve never been this terrified in my whole life,” Finn said, leaning forward in his chair and fixing James with an unreadable look. “I’m … freaking out.”
James sighed. “I understand that, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I felt caught. I wanted to tell you, especially when you were so worried about Emma’s feelings, but Mandy convinced me that it was Emma’s secret to tell.”
“And if you had to do it over again?” Finn pressed.
James wrinkled his nose. “I would still let Emma tell you.”
Finn growled, rubbing the back of his neck as he scanned the room. “I knew you would say that.”
“Mandy is emotional sometimes, especially where Emma … and Ally … and Sophie, for that matter, are concerned,” James said. “That doesn’t mean I think she’s wrong this time. Emma was terrified, man. She’s afraid you don’t love her. She’s afraid you’ll try to stay just because of the baby. She’s scared.”
“I love Emma,” Finn said. “I’ve always loved her.”
“I know that,” James said. “Emma doesn’t.”
“How can she not know that?” Finn felt like something was crawling through his chest and trying to escape.
“Because you’ve never told her,” James said.
“Why can’t she say it first?”
“Because she’s only loved three people her whole life before you,” James said. “One of them raped her and took her innocence. He beat her down until she was just a shell. The other stood by and watched. The third did the very best he could – and yet he failed to fix … anything. If you fail her, she’ll never believe in love again.”
Finn opened his mouth … but no words formed.
“You were raised in a good family, Finn,” James continued. “Emma was raised in filth, both emotional and physical. You have got to be the one to say it first. She needs it, and she needs to make sure that you mean it. Saying it now … after the baby … it’s never going to be the same.”
“What?” Finn was confused.
James chose his words carefully. “If you had told Emma before the baby, it would have been easier,” he said. “Now she’s always going to wonder if you just said it because you found out she was pregnant.”
“How can you possibly know that?”
“Because something blonde enlightened me the other night,” James said. “Listen, Mandy is always going to be insecure where I’m concerned. I’ve never loved anything in this world like I love her. I still abandoned her after that first night. I’ve tried to make up for it so many times I’ve lost count. It still happened, and it still scarred her.
“Now, in the weirdest times, she questions my love,” James continued. “I can never take back what I did. I have to reassure her. It’s the one thing about her that drives me crazy. I know how much I love her. Sometimes she doesn’t. You’re going to deal with the same stuff with Emma now. It just is what it is.”
Finn swallowed hard. “I’ve screwed this all up, haven’t I?”
“You haven’t helped matters,” James said. “Emma has people in her corner, though. We all love her. We’re all going to fight for her.”
The two men jumped when they heard the front door of the building fly open.
“Finn!”
James cringed. “And here comes someone fighting on her behalf right now.”
Finn swiveled, shrinking in the face of Ally’s fury as she stalked i
nto the room. “You’re a dick!”
Ally’s hair, always wild, seemed to be standing on end. James raised a hand to try and placate her. “Ally, don’t … .”
“You shut up,” Ally said, pointing at him. “You’re the good one today. You get to escape my wrath.” Ally smacked Finn on the back of his head. “You’re on my list.”
“James and I have been talking, Ally,” Finn said. “I know I’ve been a shithead.”
“You’re the king of shitheads,” Ally said.
“How was lunch?” James asked, leaning back in his desk chair.
“I don’t know,” Ally replied. “I never got to eat anything. I was too busy dealing with a crying pregnant woman.”
“Why was she crying?” Finn asked, helpless. “What’s wrong?”
“You’re wrong,” Ally said.
“I’m sorry,” Finn said ruefully. “I know I’m being an idiot.”
“You’re a total idiot,” Ally agreed. “I was the one on your side.”
“What happened to change that?” James asked.
“Well, let’s see,” Ally said stalking across the room. “Emma says that Finn was very calm last night. She says that she gave him an opening to tell her that he loves her, and he didn’t. He just said he didn’t hate her.”
“Nice, man,” James said, shooting him a thumbs-up.
“She also said she woke up to find you on the other side of the bed this morning,” Ally added.
“I didn’t sleep well last night,” Finn protested. “I didn’t want to wake her up. She needs her sleep.”
“Yeah, well, she took it as you being too disgusted to touch her,” Ally replied. “For a woman who spent her entire adult life thinking no man would ever want to touch her because of what her father did to her, that’s pretty devastating.”
Finn scowled. “I was trying to be considerate.”
“Try better,” Ally said, smacking the back of his head again. “You guys are so clueless sometimes.”
“Hey, what did I do?” James asked.
“You did the same thing with Mandy when she was going through that whole body-image crisis after the explosion,” Ally shot back. “When in doubt, cuddle your women! You guys are morons.”
Deadly Addition (Hardy Brothers Security Book 9) Page 7