Night of the Living Ted

by Barry Hutchison

  Each of the bear’s four paws ended in razor-sharp werewolf claws, while a little see-through ghostly tail curled out from roughly where its spine would have ended, if teddy bears had spines.

  Its clothing was a bizarre mishmash of vampire, pirate, warlock and alien. If the costume was a fashion statement, that statement would simply be: “Run away!”

  Lisa Marie realized she was still holding her mum and dad. She tucked them out of sight behind her back, just in case the teddy decided to eat them.

  “I like it,” said the bear. “I look like one scary dude!” It fixed the children with a demonic glare. “Which one of you meatbags put me together?”

  “She did!” said Vernon quickly.

  “What?!” spluttered Lisa Marie. “I did not!”

  The bear threw back its head and laughed. The sound seemed to echo around the room. “Nice try, kid. Devious. I like it.”

  “Wh-who are you?” Lisa Marie stammered.

  “Good question,” said the bear. It moved closer to the children and stared up at Vernon. “You didn’t give me a name. A bear needs a name.”

  Vernon gulped as he desperately tried to think of a name that might please the monstrous teddy. “Um … Duncan?” he said at last.

  The bear blinked. “Duncan? Do I look like a Duncan?”

  “Keith?” Vernon suggested, his voice coming out as a squeak.

  “Try harder,” the bear growled.

  Vernon swallowed. “Um… Um… Grizz?”

  “Grizz,” said the teddy, letting the R roll around at the back of its throat. “I like it. Grizz it is.”

  A burst of flame seemed to flicker briefly behind the bear’s eyes. “Now, down to business,” he said. There was a RRRIP as Grizz tore Vernon’s games console out from under his TV, snapping the cable. He looked it over, then shrugged. “This’ll do.”

  “Um…” Vernon mumbled. He wanted to protest, but something about the bear – or, more accurately, everything about the bear – told him he probably shouldn’t.

  Grizz tucked the console under one stubby arm, then winked at Lisa Marie and Vernon. “See you around, meatbags,” he spat.

  And then, with a flash of demon magic, he was gone.

  Lisa Marie had never seen anyone faint before. Not in real life, anyway.

  It was quite interesting watching her big brother’s face as he fell backwards on to his bed. His skin turned a shade of grey, his eyeballs sort of rolled up in his head and his tongue flopped out. Lisa Marie would’ve quite liked to have taken a picture, but she didn’t have a camera and her hands were full of slimy creatures, so she couldn’t.

  She leaned over and poked him with her foot.

  “Vernon? Vernon, wake up,” she said, but Vernon just snored in reply.

  There was no denying it – her brother had definitely fainted.

  “My hero,” Lisa Marie muttered.

  A less practical girl, confronted with the same circumstances, would have panicked. Lisa Marie did panic, but only a little, and not for very long. Panicking, she knew, got you nowhere.

  First things first, she had to put Mum and Dad somewhere safe. After that she could concentrate on the other problems – namely, her unconscious stepbrother and the evil witch bear who was probably still lurking right outside the door.

  Then there was the whole ‘teddy bears coming to life’ thing. That would be a biggie.

  Somewhere along the line she’d have to find a way to change her parents back to normal, of course – it was parents’ evening at school soon, and they could hardly go looking like they did at the moment. For now, though, she’d settle for finding somewhere safe to put them.

  She toppled Vernon’s box of old action figures with a kick, spilling the contents across the floor. Righting the plastic box with her foot, Lisa Marie gently lowered her mum and dad inside. Dad gave a loud “ribbit”. If Mum said anything, she didn’t say it clearly enough for anyone to hear.

  “OK, this won’t be for long,” Lisa Marie explained, looking around for the box’s clip-on lid. It’d had a crack almost from one side to the other since last Christmas Eve, when she and Vernon had used it to go sledging. The split was wide enough to let air in, so her parents wouldn’t suffocate.

  Before she closed the lid, Lisa Marie gazed down at the frog and the slug. They stared back at her. The frog had a sad, scared look on its face. The slug … well, the slug was just a slug. It wasn’t giving much away, emotion-wise.

  “I promise we’ll change you back,” she whispered, adjusting her glasses, which had slipped down a little on her nose. “You won’t be this way for long, OK?” She gave them a warm smile and clicked the lid of the box into place.

  A second later, she opened it again. “Oh, and by the way,” she said, staring sternly at the frog, “Mum is not food!”

  With that taken care of, Lisa Marie moved on to priority number two – Henrietta. If she was left to her own devices there was no saying what sort of mischief the witch bear would get up to. Lisa Marie had made her, so it was Lisa Marie’s job to make sure she didn’t hurt anyone else. Besides, if there was a way to turn her parents back, Henrietta would probably know it.

  Grabbing Vernon’s tennis racket from the floor, Lisa Marie edged open the bedroom door and peeked out. Her eyes swivelled as she scanned the hallway. Henrietta was nowhere to be seen.

  Cautiously, she pulled the door open further and stepped out on to the landing, the tennis racket poised and ready to start swinging. Nothing. No evil cackle. No bolt of magic. No Henrietta.

  At the top of the stairs, Lisa Marie paused. She could hear movement down there. Thudding. Muttering. The sound of someone trying to move something heavy.

  Glancing back to check on Vernon, Lisa Marie rested a hand on the banister, and slowly began to creep down the stairs.

  The closer she got to the bottom, the louder the sounds became. The muttering voice was Henrietta’s, she was sure of it, but what was the witch bear doing?

  Slowly, with the racket held before her like a shield, Lisa Marie leaned around the door frame. Henrietta was half carrying, half dragging the TV across the floor, trailing the power cable behind her.

  “P-put that back,” Lisa Marie instructed.

  The television toppled sideways as Henrietta clambered out from beneath it. Screeching, she launched herself at Lisa Marie, spitting and snarling. Lisa Marie swished wildly with the racket, but the witch bear was too fast. Henrietta shrieked with delight as she caught hold of Lisa Marie’s bunches and swung around on to the girl’s back.

  Yelping in shock, Lisa Marie twisted and turned, trying to force the fuzzy witch to release her grip, but Henrietta hung on tightly, howling with laughter as she f lailed around and around and around.

  “Get off!” Lisa Marie yelped.

  To her surprise, the witch bear did just that. Henrietta stuck a paw in her mouth and let out a shrill whistle as she tumbled through the air, summoning her broomstick. It zipped out from its hiding place behind the couch and caught her, mid fall.

  “Impressive, huh?” the bear cackled.

  The broomstick banked left before curving around and down and clipping Lisa Marie on the back of the knees. Lisa Marie squealed as she was thrown off balance and landed hard on the floor.

  Frantically, Lisa Marie spun on to her back. Henrietta leaped from her broomstick and dropped on to the fallen girl’s stomach, knocking the breath from her. The witch’s wand bristled with energy in her paw.

  “Now, my little goody two shoes,” Henrietta spat. “Let’s see if we can think of something really disgusting to change you into!”

  “Help!” Lisa Marie cried, unsure of what else to do at this point. “Vernon! Anyone! Someone, help me!”

  “There’s no one coming to help you, little girl,” hissed Henrietta. The witch leaned in close and grinned, revealing a mouth full of brown and black teeth. “You hear that, my pretty? No one is coming. No one is coming to save—”

  Thump. A sudden sound from the cupboard
cut Henrietta’s sentence short. The witch bear frowned.

  Thump. Both she and Lisa Marie turned their eyes towards the cupboard door.

  Thump.

  Thump.

  THUMP!

  On the fifth thump, the door swung open and a gift-wrapped box toppled out. It landed on the floor and lay there, motionless. Henrietta eyed it suspiciously. Only when she was sure it had stopped moving did she turn her attention back to the girl.

  “Now,” she said, sneering. “Where were we?”

  Suddenly, the box began to bounce violently up and down. It shook and shuddered this way and that, as if controlled by some crazed, invisible force.

  “Are you doing that?” Henrietta scowled.

  Lisa Marie shook her head.

  “Well someone’s doing it!” hissed the witch. “And it isn’t me!”

  With a final bounce, something furry and sparkling erupted from within the parcel. It somersaulted in the air, before landing near Lisa Marie’s head.

  With the moonlight glinting off the sequins of his suit, the newly arrived teddy bear ran a paw through his thick quiff of jet-black hair and curled his upper lip into the beginnings of a playful sneer.

  The bear gave Lisa Marie a short but friendly nod. “Well hey there, little darlin’,” he drawled in a deep American-south accent. “Looks to me like you could use a little help.”

  Number three on Lisa Marie’s top five list of favourite words was ‘agog’. It meant ‘awestruck’, or ‘eager and excited’. She loved the word, but didn’t believe she’d ever actually been agog before.

  Until now.

  “Elvis!” she gasped, staring wide-eyed at the teddy.

  “Bearvis!” hissed Henrietta, jumping off Lisa Marie and on to the carpet.

  The new arrival glanced between them both. “How about y’all just call me the King?”

  Henrietta narrowed her eyes and growled. “How about we call you Dead Ted instead?”

  Giggling wickedly, she gave her wand a flick. A shimmering ball of magical energy zipped from the end. Quick as a flash, the King held up a paw. The magic bolt hit the shiny gold rings he wore on his stubby fingers, bounced back and blasted Henrietta across the room.

  Lisa Marie found herself holding the witch’s tiny wand. It tingled with magical energy.

  She sat up and watched as the witch began to change. The green fur that covered the evil teddy from head to toe was falling out in chunks as she began to take on a sickly, slimy appearance.

  “I’m moulting! I’m moulting!” Henrietta wailed, the final tufts of her fur drifting down on to the living-room carpet. A scant second later, the bear was gone. In her place a plump, see-through jellyfish wobbled gently back and forth.

  In the silence that followed, the King gave a low whistle. “Well now,” he said. “That sure ain’t somethin’ you see every day.”

  Lisa Marie scrambled to her feet and backed away from the shiny-suited bear. “You’re alive!” she cried, then a thought struck her. “Wait. You’re on my side, right? You’re not going to change me into something slimy, are you?”

  The King’s furry face took on a puzzled expression. “Darlin’,” he replied, “I wouldn’t even know where to start. I ain’t one for magic, but I guess I could sing to you.”

  “Sing to me?”

  “Well sure thing, honey, since you asked so nicely. How’s about ‘A Little Less Hibernation’? You heard that one?”

  “What’s going on?” asked Vernon, appearing in the doorway. He yawned and stretched. “I just had a really weird dream about—”

  He stopped when he spotted Bearvis. The little bear tapped a paw to his brow in salute. “Hey there, son. Y’all look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

  The King and Lisa Marie both watched in silence as Vernon’s eyes rolled backwards again. He landed with a thud in the hall.

  “Uh, is he OK?” the King asked.

  Lisa Marie sighed. “Yes. He does that.”

  She lowered herself on to the arm of the couch and looked Bearvis up and down. He wasn’t very tall, so this didn’t take long. “You’re alive,” she said.

  “Sure looks that way, honey,” Bearvis agreed.

  “But how?”

  The King shrugged his fluffy shoulders. “Can’t say I know the answer to that. I wasn’t alive, and now I am. That’s about all I can tell you.” He frowned. “Although I think there was some kinda machine involved? I don’t rightly remember.”

  “TEDDIES!” roared Vernon, jumping awake.

  The sudden shout took Lisa Marie by surprise. She turned round, startled. The abrupt movement somehow made the wand go off in her hand. A bolt of energy streaked across the room and hit Vernon right on the end of his chin.

  There was a flash and a puff of smoke. Lisa Marie gasped as Vernon flopped backwards on to the floor again.

  “Whoops!” she whispered.

  “Uh, did you mean to blast that guy with magic?” the King asked.

  “He’s my brother. And no,” said Lisa Marie.

  “Right. Right,” replied the King. “Because you did. In case you hadn’t noticed.”

  “I noticed,” said Lisa Marie. She crept closer to her brother. “Uh, Vernon? Vernon, are you OK?”

  Vernon groaned and sat up. “I’m fine,” he said. “What hit me?”

  Lisa Marie stared. She knew it was rude, but she couldn’t help herself. Behind her, she heard the King let out a low whistle.

  “The bear!” said Vernon, pointing to Bearvis. “The bear’s alive!”

  “Yes,” said Lisa Marie, her eyes widening. “But he’s on our side.”

  “On our side? So … what? This isn’t a dream?”

  “No,” said Lisa Marie.

  “Why are you staring at me?” asked Vernon, finally spotting the look of wonder on his sister’s face. “What’s wrong?”

  “Your head,” said Lisa Marie.

  “What about it?”

  “It’s … big.”

  Vernon stood up. This was quite difficult because he was finding it tricky to balance properly. He stumbled past Lisa Marie and looked at himself in the mirror above the fireplace.

  He screamed.

  “My head!”

  “I know,” said Lisa Marie.

  “It’s huge!”

  “You can say that again,” said the King. “That’s the biggest head I ever saw. And it ain’t a close-run thing.”

  Vernon’s head had inflated like a very large, very round balloon. It was easily three times as big as normal, and wobbled unsteadily on his normal-sized neck.

  Lisa Marie bit her bottom lip. Vernon’s huge face had gone that ash-grey colour once more, and he looked like he might be about to faint again. “Don’t panic. Deep breaths. It’s fine,” she said. “It looks … good.”

  “Good?!” Vernon cried. “It’s the size of the moon!”

  “Actually, the moon has a circumference of almost seven thousand miles—” Lisa Marie began, but the scowl on her brother’s massive face stopped her. “I take your point.”

  “How did this happen?” Vernon groaned, turning back to the mirror again.

  Bearvis stepped forward. “Well you see that wand there?” he said. Lisa Marie gestured for him to be quiet but it was too late.

  “You did this?!” Vernon spat. He wobbled towards her. “Then fix me!”

  Lisa Marie looked down at the wand in her hand, then back at her humongous-headed brother. “I don’t know how to.”

  “Then figure it out!” Vernon snapped. “I can’t be stuck like this.”

  Taking a deep breath, Lisa Marie nodded. “OK. I’ll try. How difficult can it be?”

  “Well actually,” Bearvis began but Lisa Marie ignored him. She raised the wand and flicked her wrist. A bolt of blue energy hit Vernon’s mega-sized forehead.

  “Ow!” he protested, stumbling back. He placed his hands on his head and laughed. “It’s working! It’s working!”

  And it was. Vernon’s head was already shrinking. It
took just a few seconds to shrink back to its normal size.

  Unfortunately, it didn’t stop there.

  “Make it stop!” cried Vernon, his voice now squeaky and high-pitched. His head was the size of a grapefruit, and still shrinking.

  Lisa Marie flicked the wand again. There was a flash and a bang, and Vernon’s head snapped back to the correct size.

  That was the good news.

  “It’s back to front!” Vernon protested.

  That was the bad news.

  “Hold on, I’ll get it this time,” Lisa Marie said. Before Vernon could stop her, she gave the wand another flick.

  When the flash of light had passed, Vernon’s head was the right size and facing the correct way. He prodded it cautiously, as if scared it might explode.

  “OK. OK. Thank you,” he wheezed, once he was sure his skull was back to normal. He breathed in through his nose and pulled himself together. “Now put that thing away before you do any more damage!”

  Lisa Marie decided this was probably sensible, and tucked the wand into the waistband of her pyjamas.

  “Good,” said Vernon. “Now can someone please tell me what’s going on?”

  The King was over by the window, only his bottom half visible beneath the curtains. “Well, son,” he said, stepping out and pulling a curtain aside to reveal the street beyond. Hundreds of bears swarmed along the darkened road, each dressed in different Halloween costumes. “It’s funny you should ask.”

  There was silence for several seconds as both Lisa Marie and Vernon gazed at all the furry figures running, shuffling and flying around outside.

  A moment later, the silence was broken by a soft thud as Vernon fainted, face first, on to the carpet.

  Although watching her brother faint the first time had been interesting, it was rapidly becoming annoying. Lisa Marie fetched a glass of cold water from the kitchen and poured it over Vernon’s head.