To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

  Yep. He definitely thinks you’re crazy.

  So! I hope you’re happy. I have fixed this as best I can, and remember: we’re just FAKE crazy now, okay?

  Okay.

  You can drive again.

  As Polonius leaves, your friends Rosencrantz and Guildenstern enter the room! What? You thought these guys were still back at university! This is awesome!

  » Greet your friends with high fives «

  » Greet your friends by slapping them on the back «

  » Greet your friends with hugs all around «

  ☠ Let’s not get carried away. Just walk up, say hi, and ask them how it’s going. ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  You’ve never been the slappy type, and this is actually your first time attempting this. Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are facing you, so how do you get them to turn around so you can slap their backs? It’s not like they’ll just turn around on their own mid-conversation, and if you try to manoeuvre around them, they’ll obviously keep turning to face you, because that’s what polite people do.

  Okay, maybe if you tell them to just — no, Rosencrantz, you’re moving the wrong way. No, TURN first, Guildenstern — no, you — okay, Rosencrantz, you’ve turned all the way around: turn back, start over. No, Guildenstern, we’re not trying to flip here, we’re — okay, sure, we’re flipping, but turn-ways. No, okay, Rosen...dude, no, let me show you. Okay. Look, no, you messed it up again. Dude, no, look, it’s not that hard. You’re obviously both doing this just to pi—

  You try to get them turned around so you can slap them on the back, but whatever it was that was going on there keeps happening. Time to cut your losses, and:

  » Ask them how they’ve been «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Oh. Okay,” said Guildenstern.

  “That’s cool,” said Rosencrantz.

  You share an awkward silence, which lasts until you break it by asking your friends about their trip over. Was the boat ride fun?

  “It was super fun! We met an AUTHOR on the way over,” says Rosencrantz.

  “An author!!” you say, excited. “I love authors! They’re such creative minds, and so handsome too, unless they’re women, in which case they’re extremely the female equivalent of handsome,” you say.

  “Sexy,” suggests Guildenstern.

  “Well, I mean, not to say the men aren’t sexy also,” you reply, “for we all know male authors are, without exception, and I say this with all my marshalled heterosexuality, also way sexy.”

  Rosencrantz and Guildenstern nod. Rosencrantz gestures for the two of you to come closer, so that he can tell you a secret.

  “When I stare at a male author, I can feel my heterosexuality crumbling,” Rosencrantz whispers.

  “Makes sense,” you agree.

  Anyway, at this point an author walks in the room!

  » Talk to author «

  * * *

  * * *

  Okay! I mean, you ARE already in your room so I guess that kinda makes sense. You decide that it’s nap rhyme prime time.

  Lying in bed, you clear your throat and hold one hand up above you.

  “Time for naps, hooray hooray / Naps are great, that’s what I say.”

  You fall asleep and wake up the next day with the outline of Christina’s book pressed into your face. Hey bucko! Looks like you slept through the whole afternoon, evening, AND night!!

  » Run to the royal court with the book «

  * * *

  * * *

  This is what you say to nobody in particular:

  To be? No, not to be, that is the answer:

  Whether ’tis Nobler in the mind to suffer

  The Slings and Arrows of outrageous Fortune,

  Or to take Arms against a Sea of troubles,

  And by opposing end them. Yeah, sounds good,

  To die, to sleep no more; and by a sleep, to say I end

  The heart-ache, and the thousand Natural shocks

  That Flesh is heir to? ’Tis a consummation

  Devoutly to be wished, which is why I just Decided to do Thatte,

  To die, to sleep, perchance to Dream. Ay, there’s the rub,

  For in that sleep of death, what dreams may come,

  When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

  May give some pause, but Not Me, I’ma find out Soon

  I guess that’s why the ladies love me, because

  The ladies love a man of action,

  And that’s what I am,

  Ladies.

  It’s a beautiful speech, and you’re not going to come up with any better last words than those. You chug some poison that’s sitting around, but unfortunately you choke on it a little as you drink so your last words are accidentally “Arrghah ggghhhhh bleh.” But nobody’s around anyway so no bigs, right?

  No bigs!

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  She looks at you for a long moment.

  “Okay,” she says, sighing, putting all the love letters you wrote her and the presents you gave her into your arms. “See you when I see you, I guess.”

  She walks out of the room, but she pauses at the doorway. Turning around, she says, “I always took our relationship seriously, and it really sucks that you never could.” And then she’s gone.

  That uh...didn’t go well?

  As you’ve just broken up with your girlfriend, you figure your plan to catch Claudius is pretty much all you’ve really got going right now, so you throw yourself back into it. There’s still a chance to make it work, you realize. You’ll just come back here tomorrow and get him to read the book then!

  » Do that thing I just said «

  * * *

  * * *

  “What?” she says, surprised.

  You repeat yourself. “I said a hip, hop, a hippie, a hippie to the hip hip hop —”

  Without missing a beat, Ophelia jumps in with “— and you don’t stop the rock it to the bang bang boogie say up jumped the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat!”

  You now know for certain she’s faking her craziness, because she’d never joke about tight rhymes. And she knows you’re faking it too, because while those rhymes were insane, you’d have to be in full command of your mental faculties to produce them!

  And it’s perfect, because anyone listening in would simply think you two are making crazy noises to each other! They would not realize that what they hear is just a test...of SANITY ITSELF.

  Ophelia has joined your party!

  » Tell Ophelia about your murder book plan «

  * * *

  * * *

  Sometimes I wonder why I give you these choices.

  Okay, you say those things, but you at least clarify that you think women just PRETEND to be dumb to get that sexing they so crave. You accuse all women of being unfaithful, and you say there should be no more marriages, because they necessarily involve women and women are awful.

  There’s — a couple of things wrong with that, actually?

  Anyway, you say that people who are already married can stay married, YOU GUESS, except for ONE VERY SPECIAL COUPLE IN PARTICULAR. You look at her to see if she’s getting what you’re hinting at. And she looks...super angry, actually!

  I don’t think you’re gonna pull this off, dude!

  This whole conversation is an unmitigated fiasco, and if she was just pretending to be mad before, she’s seriously furious now. Congratulations, Hamlet! You just broke up with your girlfriend because you were pretending to be insane and trying to talk in a stupid secret code! You can’t really say you blame her for leaving.

  All you have now is your plan to trap Claudius with a choose-your-own-path adventure book, so you go home, rest, and tomorrow, that’s exactly what you do.

  ☠ Try to trap Claudius with the book ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  You go to the king’s room, but he’s not there an
d the door is locked. On the door is a note:

  “Gone prayin’.”

  You deduce that Claudius is in the church, which means you could kill him in a church, which has got to be among the most badass places to kill someone. Just before you stab him you could say a one-liner like “REST IN PIECES,” or “YOU NEVER HAD A PRAYER,” or “GIVE US THIS DAY OUR DAILY STABS” — man, there are tons of options here! You decide you really want to explore them!

  » Go to the church to stab Claudius «

  * * *

  * * *

  You find Claudius engrossed in prayer, which is completely silent, so you have no idea what he’s praying about. Probably he’s feeling guilty about the murder he did, huh? The murder of your dad? The murder that makes you so mad you want to commit the murder act on him?

  You unsheathe your sword and raise it above his head.

  But wait! If he’s praying right now, then doesn’t that mean that — according to religion — his soul is pure with all its sins confessed? If you kill him, he’ll die with HIS soul more pure than that of your father when he died. Hardly seems fair, does it?

  Wait, is it still “cool” to murder a jerk if they’re praying? Is there a page in the Bible on that or something?

  ☠ Better not kill him now at this perfect opportunity, because it’s really important what happens to him after he dies ☠

  » Hah hah, nice try, Claudius; prayer doesn’t work that way. What time is it? Oh, wow, would you look at that, the day’s barely started and already it’s a quarter past STABS O’CLOCK «

  * * *

  * * *

  Okay. You walk away from the perfect chance for murder and go see your mom instead. Don’t worry — I get it. You’re afraid that if you kill Claudius the book will end, and you don’t want it to be over yet! I have nobody to blame but myself, I suppose. I wrote an adventure that was simply too awesome!

  Anyway — onward, to adventure!! To an adventure that is so awesome I hope it never ends and this book becomes a prison for both of us!

  ☠ Go talk to your mom ☠

  * * *

  * * *

  You open your mouth to say that, but whoever’s hiding behind the curtain is trying to save your mom, and in bursting out from behind the curtain somehow manages to impale himself on the sword hanging from your belt. He sort of rolls out and stands up and trips and anyway would you look at that he’s seriously hilt-deep in sword. By the time you notice him there, it’s already too late.

  “Polonius?” you say, looking down at your (ex-)girlfriend’s father. Wow. I’m serious, Hamlet; he’s really run the sword right through himself.

  “Lo, I am so darn clumsy,” he says. “Just like my twin brother, Corambis.” Then he dies.

  “Bleh,” he says.

  This is pretty messed up, and your mom is freaking out about this dead body. You promise to have someone come get rid of it, and on your way out the door, you bump into your bros Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. “You wanna get out of here?” you say, and they concede that they would like to party on a boat. You know what? That sounds nice. Sort of give everyone space, you know?

  “There’s a boat headed for England in just a few hours!” you say. You know this because boats to England are kind of a big deal.

  You send some servants to clean up crazy ol’ dead Polonius and apologize to your mother for you, and pack your bags. A few hours later, you and your bros are partying on a boat!

  » Party boat!! «

  * * *

  * * *

  “Hey Mom, what’s up?” you say. She jumps back from the curtain she was just admiring and not messing with at all.

  “Hey Hamlet,” she says. “Listen, you were a dick when you messed up Claudius’s reading earlier.”

  “I didn’t mess up anything!” you say. “He’s the one who read the murdery options! If anyone messed up, it’s YOU, because you married Dad’s brother and that’s messed up, MOM.”

  “What are you going to do: murder me?” your mom says. “ARE YOU GOING TO MURDER ME??”

  “What?” you say, honestly confused. “No, why would you even think that? I —”

  “Help!!” she screams at the top of her lungs.

  “Mom, calm down,” you say. “I’m not gonna kill you.”

  She looks at the curtain and then at you. “Why are you walking around with a sword then?” she says, eyeing you suspiciously.

  “I’M A PRINCE AND IT IS THE FASHION OF THE TIME,” you say.

  “How come it’s got blood on it though?” she says.

  “Um —” you say. “That’s not blood, that’s...stew?”

  “Oh. Weird,” she says.

  Wow! This whole castle is super credulous!

  Anyway, she tells you that she’s tired of covering for your crazy behaviour all the time, and you tell her you’re an adult and she’s not the boss of you anymore! She says as long as you live under her roof it’s her rules, so you shout that you’re going to go on a trip with your friends to do whatever you want, and she says she hopes you do, because she’s worried about you and thinks the travel could do you some good.

  I guess you’re going on a trip now! This is a good idea anyway, because they’re going to notice Polonius missing eventually, and if you’re not around you can avoid some awkward questions about where he is / who killed him / where the body is hidden. Plus your bros are always up for a trip anyway!

  You leave and find Rosencrantz and Guildenstern nearby and you tell them you’re gonna go party in England. And you’re going to get there by boat. And do they want to come? If they do, please could they say what sort of vehicle they will be riding to England?

  “PARRRRRTY BOOOAAAT!!” the three of you shout in unison.

  Several hours later, you are partying on a boat!

  » Party boat «

  * * *

  * * *

  As the boat sails for England, you catch sight of a huge army sailing towards Poland. There has to be an entire military corps on board! I’m serious, there’s got to be 20,000 people all crammed onto a single ship.

  The ship is too far away from you to communicate by talking or even shouting, but luckily you brought semaphore flags and are fully trained in their use. And, AS YOU KNOW, by holding up the two coloured flags in different positions, you can spell out letters of the alphabet! And in response, folks on the other ship can send messages back to you.

  “Hey, Hamlet here! What’s going on?” you say in semaphore.

  “Hey Hamlet, we were sent by Prince Fortinbras from Norway — he’s kinda a rough equivalent of you, come to think of it? Anyway, he’s on board and we’re all going to fight over some really terrible land that sucks,” comes the signed reply.

  “Really?” you signal.

  “Yeah it’s totally sucky land, but what are you gonna do? Fighters gonna fight,” he signals, “and we’re happy to do it.”

  “’Kay thanks,” you reply in flag-talk.

  Wow. Fortinbras and his army are ready to fight over something entirely useless, and the Polish are willing to defend it too! These people will fight and kill over NOTHING. And you can’t even kill your uncle even though you have totally valid reasons!

  Whoah dude, hold up! You start to feel inspired!

  ☠ Be inspired in free verse, kicking it old school ☠

  » Be inspired in rhyming couplets...AND EVERY COUPLET HAS THE SAME RHYME «

  * * *

  * * *

  You ask Rosencrantz and Guildenstern to drop a beat, and they oblige. You hold out two hands in front of you and start throwing up signs.

  This is the science you lay down on them:

  My name is Hamlet, yo, you better check this composition:

  Just peeped an awesome army boat that of its own volition

  Is led by my man Fortinbras (a man of great ambition)

  Who lessens me whenever we’re seen in juxtaposition

  And who’s taken for himself this chosen military mission

  But
also lacks my frankly odd particular condition

  Of being told just who to kill by ghostly apparition

  And being told to kill a man who by his own admission

  Has sent my dear departed regal dad to the mortician

  Now Fortinbras goes off to war and just to requisition

  Land so sad and barren that any given tactician

  Would think him crazy; well, you see that this new proposition

  Suggests to me quite clearly my apparent opposition

  To this Revenge Your Dad and Kill Your New Dad expedition

  When I have motives valid, beyond any inquisition

  Is weak and dumb, so I’ve got to end this predisposition

  Towards inaction that I have; my stupid inhibition