To Be or Not To Be

by Ryan North

  The door opens and who should enter but Corambis, Polonius’s twin brother! You recognize him from the royal courts.

  “I unlocked the door, so you can leave no—” he begins, but then cuts himself off. “Hey, what’s going on?” Corambis looks around. “Why are you acting so casual? How come you stabbed that curtain?”

  He looks behind the curtain and sees what you did. He begins to scream and scream and scream, and — whether you decide to kill him or not — a bunch of other people are running over here and you’re pooched.

  Claudius discovers your crime and puts you to death. Your last words are “Oh geez, if only I’d been better at covering up my murders; had I only the chance to do it again, I would most certainly dispose of that body differently.”

  “Obvs,” says the hangman.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You use up one of your turns observing the room extremely carefully.

  You see a medium-sized square room, with a curtain on the wall opposite the door. Light escaping from beneath the curtain suggests there’s a window on the other side. Pulling the curtain back, you see there is indeed a large window, big enough to fit yourself or a body through. Looking down, you see you’re about five storeys up from the ground.

  Turning back from the window to face the door you just locked, you see on the right wall a fireplace with what smells like a pot of stew simmering. On the facing wall to the left is a table upon which some twine and several tightly woven but light-looking bags sit. The room is lit by several torches on the walls. I think you’re in a kitchen!

  In your inventory, you have: the sword you just used to stab Polonius.

  Polonius’s body is here, behind the curtain.

  You have 4 turn(s) remaining.

  » Use sword on Polonius’s body «

  » Throw Polonius’s body out the window «

  » Jump out the window to escape «

  * * *

  * * *

  I don’t see an area!! here.

  You have 5 turn(s) remaining.

  » Look...enclosure? «

  * * *

  * * *

  You’re about to reach for a sword when a huge flash of purple-blue light appears, knocking you, Laertes, and everyone else to the ground. As you scramble to your feet, you look into the fading light and see a silhouette of...

  Yourself?

  “What year is this?” the other you demands. “The year!!”

  “Um, well, it’s sort of an anachronistic amalga—” Claudius begins to say, but the other you interrupts him. Hold on, I’m gonna call this other you “Hamlet 2” so things don’t get confusing. Alright, so Hamlet 2 begins to reply but — wait, you know what? I think I’m gonna call him “Hamlet 2000” instead, because that sounds way more badass.

  No, maybe it’s dumb. Okay, Hamlet 2.

  “Future Hamlet”? “Hamlets”? “Hamletter”?

  “Hamlettest”??

  Okay, okay. Hamlet 2. For real.

  “Wait,” says Hamlet 2000. “This seems familiar. You want to kill me, right Claudius? You and Laertes are here to kill me? I mean, us?” Claudius kinda nods and Futu-Hamlet looks down at his own body in approval.

  “Nice,” he says. Future Hamlet kicks one of the swords over to you and kicks the other one up into his hands.

  The two of you crouch into ready positions. “Let’s go,” Temporal Hamlet says. “Two against two.”

  “No fair!” Laertes says. “I only signed up to battle one Hamlet at a time, and it’s supposed to be two against one!”

  Hamlet of Christmas Yet to Come nods. “Right. Okay, I can fix that,” he says.

  He then spins in a circle, swinging his sword like a hammer thrower — you know the guys at the Olympics with a heavy ball on the end of a rope, and they spin and throw it as far as they can? That’s what Hamlet 2K is doing, only he’s keeping as much eye contact as possible with Laertes as he spins, so he looks a bit like a dancer, but when he lets go of his sword a few rotations later he sends it straight through Laertes’ head, grip and all, and it exits cleanly out the other side, where it embeds itself into the wall.

  Laertes falls to the floor, totally and 100% dead.

  “There,” Other Hamlet says. “Two against one.”

  “That’s even less fair than before!” says Claudius.

  Hamlet From a Future Time smiles at Claudius.

  “So kill me,” he says.

  » Attack! «

  * * *

  * * *

  You and Hamlet 2 rush at Claudius as he roars, his sword raised. He tries to stab it through you, and you cut his arm off. He punches at Hamlet 2 with his remaining arm, so Hamlet 2 cuts that one off too. Then the two of you team up and use your swords like giant scissors to cut off Claudius’s head.

  What just happened is so awesome I’m not sure I can properly convey it. Giant scissors cutting off a head. It’s — it’s amazing. Let’s linger on that image. I’m sincerely impressed with how awesome you guys were just now.

  Okay! Let’s move on!

  You look around at everyone who’d gathered to watch this fight, and they’re all pretty shocked and amazed at what they just saw.

  “Um, I’d like to introduce my friend,” you say. “I think he’s...me?”

  “Thanks,” says Hamlet 2. “Only I’m not quite you. I’m actually your ghost! But I figured out how to time travel in such a way that I got a new body too.”

  “So — I died?” you ask.

  “Yeah, um, a while back actually,” he says. “But that was another timeline. I think things are different here though. I think you won’t have to die to create me because another Hamlet already did that, and all possible timelines coexist at once in one giant timey-wimey jumble.”

  “It doesn’t have to be a jumble,” you offer. “I’m sure you could also imagine a universe of alternate possibilities nicely bound together in a book, presenting a well-organized choice structure.”

  Hamlet 2 smiles and offers his hand to you.

  “Yeah. I think we’re good,” he says.

  The two of you stand side by side and raise your hands up together, in front of your mother, your friends, and the cheering audience.

  You and Hamlet 2 rule Denmark together really well, with your youthful exuberance balancing out Hamlet 2’s literal millennia of knowledge and contemplation. When you’re not attending to matters of state, the two of you hang out and become best friends and even fool around a little but that’s weird, it’s weird, I don’t know why you guys have to be so weird.

  THE END

  P.S. For making out with yourself, you are awarded 1,000,000 autoperv points AND unlock the skill Mirrored Tongue Fencing! USE IT WISELY, MY FRIEND.

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Okay! The cannon fires and shoots you at Claudius, but the aim is a little off and you’re too high. That’s realistic, right? Don’t worry, it’s the last realistic thing that happens.

  As you fly over Claudius, you drop your hand down and grab him by his back collar, and the two of you fly over the castle walls together.

  “Hamlet! Let me go!” he screams, but by the time his shouts reach your ears it sounds exactly like “Hamlet! Use me like a skateboard!”

  “A skateboard?” you say, intrigued.

  “Hamlet!!” he hollers at you, but again, by the time those sound waves reach your ears they have amazingly been transformed into sound waves that instead form the words “It’s a plank with wheels on it!”

  “Neat!” you say.

  Anyway, eventually your momentum runs out and you land on the ground using Claudius as a skateboard. He squishes and dies. Just before impact though, you jump off the board, thereby cancelling out your downward momentum and landing softly on his gross corpse.

  How realistic!

  So you’ve succeeded in your mission and — oh heck, let’s say later on you marry a bear. />
  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  Okay!

  So here’s the thing. People really DO get shot out of cannons in real life, but those cannons aren’t as the same as a cannonball-cannon. They’re actually more fairly described as “giant slingshots specially designed to send people flying, with a tiny bit of gunpowder used only for visual effect.”

  On the other hand, you, my friend, have climbed into an actual cannon stuffed with lots and lots of gunpowder. When the fuse goes, you explode out of the cannon in a chunky red mist. This has the side effect of killing you.

  It is extremely realistic / gross. That’s what everyone says when they see it! “How realistic slash gross,” they say.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You jab and thrust towards Laertes’ lower body. He deftly parries, blocking your every attack and returning them with attacks of his own, using your own momentum against you.

  This isn’t as easy as it was on the pirate ship! It kinda seems like Laertes really knows what he’s doing?

  You continue fighting, and every time it looks like you might make a hit, Claudius seems really excited and raises his glass. Wow, that is one thirsty usurper to the throne!

  Finally, almost effortlessly, Laertes lands a glancing blow on your left shoulder. It cuts your shirt but barely breaks the skin, so, hooray for thickly woven shirts, I guess!

  You resume the match!

  » Attack his upper body this time!! «

  » Attack his lower body again!! «

  * * *

  * * *

  You aim for his upper body. He easily deflects your attack.

  You push forward, forcing Laertes to step backwards as he parries. You lock blades with him and with one final effort shove as hard as you can. Laertes stumbles wildly, but he only takes one or two steps before he crashes into a windowsill. This knocks his legs out from under him, and he falls out the window and disappears. Then: silence.

  You carefully approach the window and peer over the edge, but as soon as you do a hand shoots up and pulls you out. Laertes was hanging over the edge waiting for you this whole time! NICE. I mean it sucks because now you’re falling, but you’ve got to give it to Laertes: that was a sweet move.

  As you fall, you reach out and grab Laertes’ leg. The both of you hang for a split second before the weight’s too much for him and you both fall. You land in a rose bush, dazed. Stumbling to your feet, bloodied and bruised, you find you’ve both managed to keep hold of your swords.

  Laertes catches your eye and points a finger towards his mouth. You wipe your mouth there with your sleeve. It comes away wet. You stare at your nice clothes, now all sticky with your own blood.

  “Plenty more where that came from,” you say, grinning.

  Laertes charges at you, pressing hard, forcing you to jump backwards several times to avoid his attack. You stay close to the castle wall until you finally shout, “Enough!” and take several steps away from him.

  “Do you yield?” Laertes shouts.

  “Not even at controlled intersections,” you say, and run towards him as fast as you can.

  Laertes steels himself with a defensive stance. At the last moment, you veer slightly towards the castle wall, jump up, and run sideways along it. You pass clear over Laertes’ head, your blades meeting briefly in the air between you. As you land behind him, he spins around to face you.

  Laertes presses his attack again, and it takes all of your skill to prevent him from landing any strikes. You’re forced to retreat, and passing a door, you kick it open and rush inside. There’s a stairwell leading up, but Laertes is right behind you, forcing you to take the stairs backwards as you counter and parry his attacks.

  As you climb the stairs, you realize you’re entering back into the hallway where this fight started. Laertes’ blade forces you back in front of the king and queen. He raises his sword to stab you but you shout, “Stop!” and raise your hands above your head.

  “Do you yield?” Laertes asks again, panting.

  “Nope,” you say. “You didn’t let me finish. I was going to say, ‘Stop! Stop decorating castles with chandeliers held up by ropes!’”

  With your arms still raised, you flick your wrist and send your sword flying towards the chandelier. It slices through the support ropes cleanly, and the chandelier right above Laertes’ head begins to fall. He looks up, sees what you’re doing, and stares at you angrily. Without breaking your gaze, he sidesteps to the right, and the chandelier narrowly misses him.

  “Nice try,” he says.

  “Thanks, but that wasn’t —” you begin, as you catch your falling sword in a still-raised hand, “— really what —” you say, flicking your sword downwards and nicking Laertes on his shoulder, “— I was going for.”

  Another hit!

  » Nice! «

  * * *

  * * *

  “WHAT?! You POISONED the cup?!” you yell. Your mother looks towards Claudius, shocked. “Get him,” she says, and then shoves her fingers down her own throat, trying to induce vomiting. It works. It actually works...explosively well?

  You advance on Claudius with your sword. “I came here to assume the throne and get distracted by swordfights,” you say, “and I’m all out of getting distracted by swordfights.”

  “It was an accident!” Claudius says. “I only meant to poison YOU!” He glances frantically towards Laertes. “Finish him!” he shouts.

  You spin and see Laertes looking at you, his sword still drawn. “Et tu, Laertes?” you say, and though you don’t know it, you’ve just approximately quoted another exciting book in this series, Cowards Die Many Times Before Their Deaths; The Valiant Never Taste of Death But Once! You Are Julius Caesar and You Must Now Choose Your Own Adventure While You Deal with That, available at a bookseller near you.

  Laertes hesitates. “Hamlet, the tip of my sword is poisoned, but it was Claudius’s idea,” he says. “Look, I think things...I think things kind of got out of hand. Claudius made me blame you for a lot of stuff that’s happened recently. He made me want to kill you. I don’t know.”

  He pauses, looking at your mother, who is on her hands and knees, now just throwing up bile.

  “I don’t think I feel that way anymore,” he says. He offers you his sword.

  “Keep it,” you say. Reaching into your pocket, you grab the cherry bombs you created secretly while on Calypso’s Gale. Yes, secretly! I didn’t even tell you that you’d created them, and you know why? Because then you would’ve wanted a “use cherry bombs on [WHOEVER YOU’RE TALKING TO AND/OR EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE ROOM]” option and we’d never have made it this far, and don’t even look at me like you don’t know that’s one million percent true, Hamlet!

  “Besides,” you say, as you light the cherry bombs and toss them out the window, signalling for Calypso’s Gale to start firing her cannons at the castle, “everyone knows you shouldn’t bring a sword to a cannon fight.”

  Claudius stares at you, uncomprehending.

  “Laertes! Horatio! Assorted bystanders! Now is a really good time to be somewhere else!” you shout as you rush towards your mother. Supporting her on your shoulder, you begin to lead her out of the castle. Claudius tries to push past you too.

  “No. You wait here,” you say, impaling him through the chest and pinning him to the wall. He tries to pull the sword free, so you pick up the other swords Osric offered you earlier, now lying forgotten on the ground, and stab each of his hands into the castle walls as well.

  You support your mother down the hallway. But as you reach the stairs leading down to the exit, your mother pushes away from you and stands uncertainly, finally supporting herself with one hand against the wall. She turns to look back at the impaled Claudius, and wipes the vomit from her mouth with the sleeve of her dress. Claudius looks up and meets her gaze.

  “Stick around,” she says, and y
ou love her more than ever.

  THE END

  * * *

  » Restart? «

  * * *

  You grab the left sword while Laertes grabs the right. In the flurry of swordplay that ensues, you cut Laertes on his leg while at the same time he cuts you on your leg too. It is a perfect symmetry.

  Unfortunately, Laertes’ sword had poison on its tip all along, and now you’ve gotten a double dose! Life’s full of surprises, huh? I guess the only problem is SOMETIMES these surprises are stupid and fatal.

  Gertrude collapses from the poison you ignored earlier, and seconds later you too fall to the ground as the poison destroys your body from the inside out. Claudius looks down at you both.

  “Gertrude collapsed because she’s a woman and faints whenever she sees blood, and Hamlet collapsed because he’s super wimpy and a tiny cut on his leg is enough to kill him,” he says, establishing an official history for the crowd.